SAHM and need relationship advice. I can't live like this any more

[weirdalien]

I've NC'd for this. I'm really struggling with 'D'H at the moment. I'm a SAHM, was made redundant when I was pregnant with DS. It was always the plan that I would either stay at home and we'd manage for money or I'd work very part time for a bit extra cash. There isn't much work out there, part time or otherwise, so I am working freelance (for peanuts) in the time that DS naps or after he's in bed and I have cooked, and cleaned up, so by that time I am knackered anyway and struggle to get much done.

Arguments over money have escalated into him basically yelling that I have the life of riley and 'spending' money coming out of my ears and that I am leaving him with nothing every month. He gives me £550 per month for food for all of us, clothes for me and DS, fuel/insurance/tax for car, birthday and Christmas presents for DS and for family, pet food x3 and any vets bills. And in normal months I do, through bloody good management and some creative cooking and making, manage fine on this amount. He has £200 ish per month, sometimes more, to spend on himself (his lunches are covered by family food shop).

He's very resentful of every penny we're 'costing' him and says I just take take take from him. I so far have spent £400 of my freelance income on a holiday for us, but haven't touched the rest as I was saving to move house (together). I only earn a max of about £400 a month and have only done three months so far. I was also not spending any more of it as we had been trying to get pregnant with DC2. He now says that I need to use this money for bills so that he has more money for himself.

The last straw has been the fact that we have no money (from the monthly 'pot') left for food/nappies this month after spending too much on the holiday I wish we'd never had, and now I'm scrimping and saving trying to afford Christmas, when he announces that he is spending yet more money on his classic car and on going to the classic motor show next month.

I've recited all the arguments about my value as a SAHM but it makes no difference to him. I feel like I'd rather be on my own that face the tirade of 'I'm so sick of having no money to spend on myself - you have plenty of money.'

Tell me I'm being silly and this isn't as bad as I think... (sorry so, so long. Was trying not to drip feed but will probably happen anyway).

[joanofarchitrave]

'was made redundant when I was pregnant'

I'm presuming this was part of a big redundancy? have you considered employment law advice?

From what you've posted, yes he does sound unreasonable, but also it sounds as if your financial goals have become completely separate - what does he say about moving, about Christmas? Are you into the classic car scene? That needs talking through a lot, or else you are going to become permanently resentful of each other.

[CailinDana]

Would it be worth sitting down and sorting out a budget together, so that he sees where the money actually goes? He seems to be under the impression that you're spending tonnes when clearly you're not. Why do you think he sees it that way?

[weirdalien]

The redundancy has been dealt with - not part of a big redundancy no, but sorted now thanks Joan.
He does want to move and will also be expecting Christmas to be provided as usual. I'm not into cars no :)
Cailin, we do have a budget, it is perfectly reasonable and not in the slightest bit extravagant. He has no idea how much things cost, even though I tell him regularly. I also tell him that many others find it very hard to manage and most of them don't have 200 to spend on themselves a month - he just thinks that he should have more money than he does.

[wannabedomesticgoddess]

Do you show him how much all the bills cost or is he handng over the money and wildly under estimating how much food etc is?

Could he be in debt that hes keeping from you?

He sounds abusive and I dont think you are overreacting. But if this has only started recently then you have to look at what external issues might be driving it!

How is he with helping around the house? Does he spend time with DS?

[Floralnomad]

The main question here is why are you even considering having another baby with such an unreasonable person? Swap roles for a month - you still do the cooking , cleaning and child care but make him do the shop online and sort the menus , buy the clothes and pay the bills with the amount of money he gives you normally . You have his spending money to do as you please ! See how well he manages. What an arsehole . I'm a SAHM all our money is paid into one account over which I have total control , works fine , he gets what he wants and so do I .

[CailinDana]

So where do you think his rantings about money come from? Do you think he resents you being at home? Or that he genuinely feels he should have more money? It doesn't sound like you discuss things much as a team - it sounds like he just expects you to take care of the details while he suits himself. Is that fair?

[weirdalien]

and moving won't be to something bigger or better - it'll be a downgrade of area to get extra space and reduce the 'unreasonable' 90k mortgage that we have. His words - this house is too small. I'm sick of having nowhere to put things. But the house must have a garage, where nothing other than the car is to be stored.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"He's very resentful of every penny we're 'costing' him and says I just take take take from him."

As sole wage-earner the deal is that they earn the money that the family spends. If he hasn't got his head around that simple concept he'd be pretty stupid. As I don't think he's stupid I think he's merely being insulting and controlling.

Adding it up you say there's £550/month 'housekeeping' and he keeps £200 for himself. A take-home of £750/month means he gets an annual salary of approximately £10,000. Is that accurate?

[Floralnomad]

Get rid of the bloody car ! It will free up some cash .

[weirdalien]

domestic - he doesn't have a clue how much things cost, no. And this isn't really a recent thing. No debt AFAIK. Helps occasionally - does his own ironing, washes up, but complians he shouldn't have to. Spends some time with DS before drifting to the garage.

[AThingInYourLife]

He's a cunt.

He is financially abusing you by keeping you short of money so he can spend on his hobby.

It's appalling.

Have a check and see how much better off you'd be if you weren't "costing him money".

He'd still have to give you money, but you wouldn't have to spend any of it on him.

Or listen to his childish moaning about how he wishes he was richer.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Or does he pay the mortgage and bills out of his salary? Do you qualify for tax credits?

[CailinDana]

He's not sounding great to be honest. How is he towards you generally?

[AuntieStella]

Reading your post, my first thought was that this isn't about money, it's about control. You can make changes to the budget all you like, but that won't change his underlying attitude that you are a (costly) burden, and that he wants the family resources to support his leisure; as opposed to working out how to pay for the necessaries, then splitting the disposable resources fairly between you (not necessarily penny for penny, as different choices of activity cost different amounts, but in a way that you both get a fair crack at the things you want to do).

[weirdalien]

Floral - believe me I am reconsidering!
cAILIN I do think he resents me being at home, and has said so.

Cogito - he has not got his head around that concept. And no - he hearns about 33k. He pays household bills and I get the 550 for the things I listed above.

Floral - if he got rid of the car I'd be accused of taking teh only thing that provides him with any fun. Apparently I have made him stop all his other hobbies.

[wannabedomesticgoddess]

He sounds like he expects you to do everything for him. Yet you are a burden.

Do NOT have another baby with this man! You need to look at getting out of this relationship. He will wear you down over time and your life will be miserable.

[solidgoldbrass]

He's an abusive man who thinks women are less than human: you're his servant and therefore should be able to provide all the food, domestic work etc out of thin air. He spends money on himself while his child goes hungry and thinks there's nothing wrong with that because he is the only person who matters.

See a solicitor, find out about tax credits etc, get rid of this prick.

[CailinDana]

So that's what the money thing is about then. He sees you as sponging off him. I'm not sure what you can do to remedy that really, other than going back to full time work but it seems silly to be pushed into that if you don't really need to do it, just to suit his ideas. What do you think?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

OK... on £33k he's bringing home about £2000 - £2100/month after tax. You get £550. He gets £200-ish. So does the mortgage and bills take up everything that's left?

[weirdalien]

Cailin - Generally if he isn't tired, stressed, busy or tired, or stressed... he's fine.

AuntieStella - that is what I think, but I can't seem to get it through to him. We have the same argument again and again
AThing - that is how I feel when I am angry about it, but I'd like to sort things out (I think)

[Floralnomad]

In that case I'd be doing one of two things
1 get a full time job and renegotiate the family finances

1. Leave the bastard !
   

I know which I would do but only you know how much quality he brings to your life . Also what hobbies do you have ?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

BTW... if you are earning £400/month I think he's got a point that you need to tip more up into the pot. At the moment it sounds like he retains £200 personal spending money and you get £400 personal spending money which you're saving up rather than spending. Or am I reading that wrong?

[weirdalien]

Cogito - there's some tax things with his company car, his pension, etc. He brings home about £1900. Mortgage (stupidly high fixed about to come down) of £650, critical illness £50, all the other usuals. WHen the mortgage comes down he's putting the rest into his savings tho :(

Cailin, yes he sees me as sponging and doing nothing all day.

Domesticgoddess and solidgold - this is what worries me

[weirdalien]

I can see what you are saying Cogito but it is spent on family holidays, and meant to be for treats and extras. I have to pay business expenses out of that as well, so apart from the £400 on the holiday, £400 is in my business bank account. I need to backdate and pay class 2 NIs and pay for some software. I've only done 3 months and only been paid for 2 of them so far. Plus the £550 a month doesn't always cover everything and I had to stump up for extra for vets bills last month. I don't want to sound whiny but I'd rather it went on family stuff, when if it frees up money for him, that gets spent on a car we can't even go in together

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

But I can see this from his point of view. It's almost like you're saying 'what's mine is mine but what's yours is ours... ' If you put all your income into the pot it would seem fairer to me at any rate and maybe allay some of this resentment.