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This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

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This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

Pregnancy choices

Early pregnant, partner doesn't want it

101 replies

LeAmEl19 · 03/02/2019 07:43

I have only just found this part of mumsnet! I am about 5 weeks pregnant, my partner doesn't want it at all. Openly said I'd be selfish to keep it and that there would be feelings of animosity toward me 😥
However I have started bonding with this baby. I had a termination before in 2015 and while I'm "okay" now, I'd love to go back and change my mind.
I am booked in to speak with somebody from the nhs about a termination, but I already know I can't do it.
But then I run the risk of my partner leaving, not bonding? Not coping? Resenting me?
I'm so confused

OP posts:

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JiltedJohnsJulie · 03/02/2019 07:52

I can imagine that you're in turmoil right know OP

Would bringing up the baby on your own be an option for you?

You suggest your partner would resent you and possibly the baby. What steps has he been taking to ensure that this didn't happen?

Unless you are absolutely sure you don't want to continue with the PG, could you end up resenting him if you had a termination?

cushioncuddle · 03/02/2019 07:58

Unfortunately your relationship is probably over.

If you terminate you probably will never forgive him for pushing you down that route.

If you keep it he may leave you.

It's a case of you're doomed if you do and doomed if you don't.

I feel in this scenario you must do what's right for you and only you. You need time away from other people opinions to work out your own feelings.

shiveringtimber · 03/02/2019 07:58

My XH asked me to "get an abortion" when I told him I was pregnant. We had an enormous row, with me throwing my wedding ring at him. He left for a few days on a business trip (how convenient) and when he returned, nothing was said.

Looking back, I wish I'd left him but we did end up having DD and then DS. He was a shit father, though. Far too old for a second family, which he should have realised (and I should have, too!)

shiveringtimber · 03/02/2019 08:00

No real advice for you, OP, except keep your baby. The man is secondary. Dump him if he's a nuisance.

LeAmEl19 · 03/02/2019 08:04

I did say he could leave and I wouldn't hold it against him but we've 3 other children so he said no.
I don't think he'd ever take steps to stop resenting me or the baby, it would just naturally stop I guess?
He didn't want our 3rd and it took him a long time to bond, he used to say our baby hated him and he didn't know what to do with her but 5 month on that's gotten better.
I do feel as though we are over, we are at a standstill and both so stubborn

OP posts:

helpmum2003 · 03/02/2019 08:07

If you had an unplanned 3rd did he/you not take precautions?

LeAmEl19 · 03/02/2019 08:08

Yes I was on the pill

OP posts:

TaimaandRanyasBestFriend · 03/02/2019 08:10

He can not want it all he wants. He needs to get himself snipped if he doesn't want any more kids. Don't have a medical procedure on your body that you don't want. Just don't.

LeAmEl19 · 03/02/2019 08:12

He did go to the drs after our 3rd was born but they pretty much said no, as he is so young.
Because this will be my 3rd csection I think obviously cannot be 100% sure, but I think I'm likely to be sterilized afterward

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littlemisscynical · 03/02/2019 08:12

Is your youngest only 5 months OP?

LeAmEl19 · 03/02/2019 08:15

Yeah I did take the morning after pill, but I think because my cycles are still all over the place that there was always a higher chance of it not working. But I needed to at least try it, it's not exactly like this was on my agenda

OP posts:

JiltedJohnsJulie · 03/02/2019 08:18

So if you took the morning after pill,did you use any contraception to stop you getting PG?

He's being a fool if he didn't take steps himself to ensure you didn't get PG and is then saying you should terminate.

I agree with the PP though, whether you keep this baby or not your relationship is probably over.

LeAmEl19 · 03/02/2019 08:22

No I never took anything, my reasoning is because I have tried a few things and it's never agreed with me or I've used them and got pregnant.
I was waiting on an appointment for the coil, I was due to get that in next week but have obviously had to cancel it.
I realise it was soooo reckless, tbh I don't even remember having sex this month, nor does dh!

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LeAmEl19 · 03/02/2019 08:22

Is it over?
I don't know if I'd cope with 4 on my own, especially as I'd need a c section

OP posts:

Tiredeyes21 · 03/02/2019 08:27

You need to weigh everything up, if you think your Oh will leave- can you handle being a single parent? Can you afford another child? What are the finances like at the moment?

Would your relationship survive a termination? Would you be able to forgive him for putting you in the position where W you have gone through with it?

littlemisscynical · 03/02/2019 08:27

OP is he usually supportive? It is probably a massive shock for him too and maybe he is worried about finances and how you will all cope with another baby?

LeAmEl19 · 03/02/2019 08:37

Thank you tiredeyes that's the exact questions I need to be asking myself!
He is sometimes, he was more accepting of our first two children (wouldn't let me drink any alcohol or even walk past it 🤣 would grab heavy stuff for me but now just let's me get on with it) so it seems like he doesn't care at all

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anniehm · 03/02/2019 08:39

In your circumstances I think your partner has a point, you have three kids including a baby of just 5 months. The pill isn't unreliable (user error is the reason for failure). Can you really deal with another child? Or at least can you deal with one now - it's a huge step from 3-4, can you afford another kid, a larger house, larger car, more childcare? Perhaps 4-5 years down the road might be a better time?

LeAmEl19 · 03/02/2019 09:00

I didn't say the pill was reliable? I'm not currently taking it, but I got pregnant on it in 2017 with my youngest dd.
No partner never wants another baby

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helpmum2003 · 03/02/2019 09:04

Unfortunately the relationship may be over, whatever you decide about the pregnancy.

So I would make the right decision for you but make sure you do the best for your pre-existing children.

Good luck.

NotStayingIn · 03/02/2019 09:10

Oh OP what a tough situation to be in, hope you are OK.

I completely get that you would like to have the baby, but I do think given the updates that you need to think about the impact this would have on everyone else in the family too.

I have some sympathy for your partner, it sounds like he would not cope with this happening again. He already had a baby you wanted and he didn't, with mixed results. Asking him to do that again seems off somehow. By doing that you are in effect taking his existing family away from him, as you know he might not cope and stay in the relationship. I will probably get flamed for thinking this though, and obviously, I do know it's also his own fault for getting himself into this situation. You are both equally rubbish at contraception.

It's very tricky as it could have large implications for you (potential single mom), your partner and the children. Good luck OP, I am really sorry you are in this difficult situation.

littlemisscynical · 03/02/2019 09:18

@NotStayingIn I agree with you.

I am sorry you are in this situation also OP but I feel for your partner too.

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LeAmEl19 · 03/02/2019 09:21

I understand, but annoyingly when we had sex (last month if I remember) he refused to wear a condom so it literally has been all put on me and now there's a baby, I have to get rid of it and act like it never happened it's quite sickening

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littlemisscynical · 03/02/2019 09:32

OP I am sorry if this sounds harsh. You says you both don't remember having sex this month... yet you got the MAP. Which is it?

And you are both equally responsible for contraception. You can't just blame him. You had a choice. You my DH said he wouldn't wear a condom there would be no sex...

LeAmEl19 · 03/02/2019 09:34

I gotta map last month.
I'm not blaming him, but instead of acting like an adult and not having sex, I am now the one pregnant and basically been forced to kill it, with threats of animosity towards me. Hardly sounds fair

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