A long post: intense anxiety over potential problems

[newdawn]

Hi

I am new to this site. I hope no one is going to judge me.

I am typically a bit of a worrywart but since I got pregnant it's become ridiculous. I always suspected it would be - as it's the ultimate loss of control for me and I've run my personal life with immense control for years, in order to deal with some difficult personal stuff.

I was very surprised to fall pregnant as I was told I was perimenopausal (high FSH) beyond my years (40). However, the same month I got the diagnosis I got pregnant.

I should be happy - I am happy when I can access that place - but the preoccupation with worries is driving me to bad and dark places. At first I was sure I'd miscarry given that the supposed quality of my eggs is compromised. But I'm nearly at week 11 so although I know it's still possible, time has moved on...

So now I just worry about everything else. The list is endless. Most recently - and most obsessively - about things after the birth that I can't control. Like what if my age and my fertility problems create problems for my baby, like autism or related ASD. The idea of autism really terrifies me which sounds awful so please don't judge me. I go to terrible places with all these possibilies, spend ages on the internet look up stuff that feeds all my anxieties (I know I'm not helping myself but it's like a scab, I can't help but keep going back to the ineternet and the fact is that there is always some negative fact or posting to back up your negative thought process) and then I feel like I'm living the problem already - or the perceived, imagined problem.

I know I sound nuts, but I just feel scared that I'm going to be unlucky and this wasn't right.

I really want to try and relieve myself of all this as it's just horrible being in my head. And because I have the capacity for joy and I'm not experiencing it now. My boyfriend and I have a wonderful relationship. He brings huge relief to me, but I know I'm difficult. And I feel so guilty because it's meant to be his amazing experience too.

I hope this posting hasn't offended anyone. I just wanted to know if anyone has any advice or had similar experience.

Thanks for reading.

[sunshiney]

hi newdawn

you sound very upset and anxious - on reading your post it occurs to me that the 'pregnancy' board might not be the best place for your post. it may be that you'll get more or better advice on a board more geared towards supporting sufferers of anxiety elsewhere on mumsnet Talk...?

sorry, i don't for a second mean to make you feel like you're post isn't welcome here, it is.

hope the situation improves for you really soon and good luck with your baby.

[lilmissmummy]

Hi newdawn I think your worries are totally reasonable and normal when you are pregnant. It feels too good to be true.

I do however think you need to discuss these worries through with your midwife or someone at the NCT to stop you stressing about them. I reckon google is a pregnant womans enemy . Just take it one step at a time. So at 11 weeks you have to get to 12 weeks and have the scan and that will eliminate the first set of worries. Then you need to get to 14 weeks and be safely into the second trimester and so on. Just take little steps and try not to worry about everything all at once (I know it is hard to do )

It will get easier with time. When you have a big bump and backache and heartburn and baby will not stop moving then it will seem more real and (hopefullly) will make you feel less nervous.

ps. most pregnant women are difficult! Ask my hubby!!!

[theslumbertaker]

Congratulations on your pregnancy, but sorry to hear how you are feeling. I think pregnancy can generally be a time of worry for most people, it is filled with uncertainty, especially in the earlier months. I guess if you are predisposed to anxiety in general, this will only be exacerbated. All I can suggest is just try to keep things in perspective - as I am sure you are aware, worrying and obsessing about what might or might not happen to you/baby will not affect the outcome at all, so just try to relax as much as possible. Depending on how much this is affecting you already, would it be worth mentioning this to your GP or midwife? I think that antenatal anxiety and depression are often overlooked, and there is possibly help and support available.

[cardamomginger]

Hi newdawn,
Sorry you are having a tough time of it - well done for posting!
Yes - all sounds familiar to me! Like you, I have a fear of losing control in my life and a fear of losing my identity for various reasons that I won't go into here. Have been married for 3 years now - and making that adjustment and realising that even though I am someone's wife, I am still me, was not straightforward. Motherhood (am 21 weeks with our first) was something I wanted badly, but this is not to say that I was not conflicted about it as well because of the realisation that it will mean such huge changes in my life. And it's not that I am too selfish to make these changes. It's just scary sometimes.
Like you, I am older (38). We'd been diagnosed with fertility problems and were about to start our first cycle of IVF when I got pregnant. Cue immense joy and relief! But also some confusion and a lot of fear over what would happen if I had a MC (had bleeding at the beginning so was very scared). Would I have to go ahead with the IVF, which I had been dreading?
Like you, I am scared that something will be "wrong" with the baby (just cos we don't want our children to have autism or Down's or whatever it doesn't make us Nazis!). We opted not to have the screening knowing that we would go ahead with the pregnancy no matter what. This remains the right decision for us, but I am still anxious! Am having my anomaly scan on Tuesday and am REALLY scared they will find something dreadfully wrong. Chances are they won't - all these things are rare. But my anxiety isn't coming from an intellectual place.
Like you, also worried about the impact age may have on the health of the baby - I'm 38 and DH is 48 (and paternal age does impact on both maternal and the child's health). But neither you nor I have any choice about that. We didn't get pregnant earlier in our lives. And if we had, we wouldn't be having these particular babies. And our babies will be FAB and it will be such a joy to get to meet them! I think we need to hang on to that when panic about age sets in.
Feel for you. Have you thought about finding someone to talk to who can help you manage these anxieties - counsellor, therapist? Don't know how you feel about therapy type things. Some people are very anti, others not. I think it can be a wonderful thing to have someone who is 100% there to listen to you, who is otherwise completely unconnected to your life and who you can say anything to knowing that it will be treated in absolute confidence. If you wanted to find someone on the NHS, GP would be a good place to start. If you wanted and were able to go privately, then British Association of Counselling and Psychotherapy.
You are completely normal. Good luck! XX

[newdawn]

Thanks all for replying. Maybe this wasn't the right place for the post Sunshiney. You're right it's very specific and a bit intense and apologies if it was too miserable! But thank you all for reading. Cardamomginger - thanks for taking the time to write such a detailed reply. It sounds very familiar to me. Really pleased to know I'm not abnormal! But equally, still need to address the anxiety so I don't screw myself, boyfriend or baby up. I was seeing a therapist (totally rate it) and will make a call today to start seeing her again. You're right. Thanks again. Lots and lots and lots of luck with the scan on Tuesday. Will you let me know how it goes?
xx

[cardamomginger]

Will definitely let you know - thanks! Glad you have an existing relationship with a therapist - totally the right thing to give her call. We won't screw anything up - it's going to be fine . XX

[seasister]

Hi Newdawn,

I'm sorry it's such a struggle for you at the moment. I really think (from my own very limited experience at 10w and from lots of my peers, also around late thirties, early forties) worry in pregnancy is totally normal. It's so loaded. And such a life changer, especially at this age.

But it's what you do with the worry that will cause you more anxiety. What I mean is, I think letting worries in, then making sure they leave is the key. Have you tried meditation? I have gone back to meditating and it really calms me. It's just a way of reminding yourself that you're here, right now, in today, and there's nothing to worry about right now.

The mind is a right bastard and if you're bright and analytic it can turn on you in a second. So maybe it's necessary to find things to do which turn your brain off. Cognitive therapy might be helpful too.

And stay away from Google. It's a cess pit of information.

The likelihood is you'll have a beautiful, healthy baby. And if you're a control freak like so many of us, you'll get through this challenge and it will be the best and most rewarding medicine for you because it will show you the beauty and rewards of letting go of control.

Good luck. Hope you find some peace. And good luck Cardomginger with your scan.

xx

[cardamomginger]

Hi newdawn,
Hope you are feeling a bit better today and that you managed to get in touch with the therapist.
Just come back from the scan - and am pleased to report everything is bang on normal. No sign of any problems whatsoever. And placenta in a good position too! PHEW!!!!!
You must be coming up for your dating scan?? Good luck!
It's going to be fine for both of us .
XX

[newdawn]

Hello Cardamomginger

I was thinking of you this morning in bed - was going to DM you, but didn't know whether to, or whether it would be invasive. Woo hoo! I'm so thrilled all was fine. What a great landmark. What a relief . Excellent news.

Yes, I've got my scan in two weeks. I'll let you know. I feel better too. Have a wonderful acupuncturist who got her money's worth yesterday when I vented all my anxieties.She's a fertility specialist so it wasn't anything new for her (possibly a little more extreme than the average) and she was really smart and incisive in how she unpicked the worries. I called the therapist too and I'll see her next week. And I'm meditating again. So, I'm trying really hard to help myself and I will find a level, I'm sure. The reality is there's no going back now, so I may as well find a positive way forward.

Thanks so much for letting me know your news!

xx

[Gherkinsmummy]

Hi Newdawn,

I totally empathise and am very glad you are feeling better today - just talking to someone can really help. I'm 42 and was very surprised (and pleased) to get pregnant so easily, but since then has been a rollercoaster ride of anxiety. I've been worried that my fibroids would impact on the baby's growth; that I'd have to have a C-section; that the 20 week scan would reveal some awful problem (I paid for a private scan, I was so worried and couldn't wait any longer); that I, or DP, or both of us might die and the baby would be an orphan and no-one would love him/her like I would. Recently I've been worrying about where s/he will go to secondary school. According to my friends with kids its normal.

It will be fine and soon you'll have a beautiful baby. Good luck! xx

[lelarose]

I can totally relate to your original post. I'm 37 and 19 weeks into my first pregnancy. I spent my entire adult life dreaming about being pregnant, and was totally unprepared for the emotions it can bring up. It is as you say the loss of control I think that is hardest to adjust to. Also if you doubted whether it was possible or not it can be a huge shock, no matter how much you wanted it to happen.

I'm obviously not that much more experienced than you but I have learnt an awful lot over the last 4 months, and I hope some of it may help you out a little bit. First, this kind of anxiety is normal and very common, especially in us "older" first timers I think. Second, googling stuff is a really dangerous habit to get into, it generally does nothing but fuel your fears often totally unecessarily. Ask yourself as I did, what can I actually constructively do with half of that information I am seeking out except completely freak myself out?

In the days leading up to my 12 week scan I was a barely functioning wreck as I was so terrified of being told there was a serious problem, a lot of this was based on my fears re my age. The scan will really put your mind at rest I hope- there is so much they can tell you from that. The midwives were fantastic with me, they see very anxious women every day, and one of them spent ages giving us a clear advice on what further tests were available to us. I also paid for a private nuchal scan (as its not available here on nhs, think it is in England though), which was the best money I ever spent, but please note that this is purely my personal opinion and I would not dream of advising you on this.

Speak to your midwives, be honest about your feelings they will understand and advise. There are services for pregnant women struggling with anxiety etc, so if it continues to be a problem, try not to be too proud to ask for this. I've also had hypnotherapy to help with the whole feeling out of control/obsessional health fears thing, and am going to do hypnobirthing classes to help with the birth too.

One more thing (sorry to go on and on just I wish I'd known these kind of things months ago)- you may find that ppl on the mental health threads on this site are a lot more supportive and less judgemental than elsewhere- and it doesn't mean you have a mental health problem!

I still have my moments (20 week anomaly scan next week) but am so much better than I was at your stage, so I really hope this has helped at all. If you want to ask me more about anything I've mentioned please do. Above all, remember that in the first stages of pregnancy you are also MASSIVELY hormonal, and generally it does get easier. Take care and best of luck.

[missdt]

Hi newdawn and congratulations! I am 37 and have suffered anxiety problems in the past. Although delighted I freaked out completely and had a panic attack when I found out I was pregnant and was immediately terrified of miscarriage, down's syndrome and any other anomalies I could think of. The doctor was very unhelpful and just told me to be happy and stop worrying. What I needed to hear, and I guess you do too, is that it is so normal to feel anxious - many many women do in various degrees, and that hundreds of women are having healthy babies every day so why shouldn't you?

It's hard not to in the early stages, but if you can keep yourself from googling everything then do. Information overload does NOT help. But coming to a site like this and sharing what you are feeling, realising that other people have gone through it too, I found to be the most helpful for my state of mind. I'm happy to say that I am now (at 15 wks) much more relaxed, happy and optimistic. I actually feel the delight that I know was hiding for a few unhappy weeks.

Lots of my friends have already had their healthy beautiful children and I was convinced I'd be the one who it all went wrong for but that has passed as my anxiety has dissipated and my confidence has grown. After the scan I really turned a corner and I hope you will too. Don't be too hard on yourself for feeling anxious and not feeling the joy right now - it's the hugest thing that will ever happen to you and takes some getting used to.

I really wish you all the best and future happiness.

[JennyPiccolo]

i'm 17 weeks and only 25 so i know you'll be thinking i've nothing to worry about, but trust me, any worry that could have crossed my mind, has.

Feeling much better about it as the pregnancy goes on, and i'm sure you will too.

[LucyT66]

Hi newdawn.

This is absolutely the right place for this post.

I can completely identify with your initial post and with others who have responded - carda, lelarose, missdt and others.

I'm 8wks, had mc last Nov and am now 39. I share all those worries. It was getting so bad that I was beginning to think (and then feeling tremendous guilt and shame) that I wished I wasn't pg.

Like a previous poster, I had imagined being pg most of my adult life. But the reality is quite terrifying. I worry about all those things - something being wrong, not bonding. I also have this fear of not being able to work ever again. And I'm taking it all out on my DP.

After a lifetime of avoiding commitment, I suddenly realise that someone is going to be completely dependent on me and I'm so scared that I'm not going to be able to do the job properly.

The physical feelings - of nausea, tiredness, weepiness - don't help.

I feel awful being so negative when I feel as if I should be singing and dancing with joy. Oh deary me.

[newdawn]

Thanks to all you of you who have so honestly responded to my posting. I don't think these are easy thoughts to share.

I can really relate to missdt's comment; I, too, have a ton of friends of various ages (right up to 45) who have had beautiful, strong kids and if I let myself go there, the anxiety in me is that I'll be the unlucky one. The sun will roll right over me and leave me in the shade...

But I also realise that these fears are irrational. Every minute thousands of women around the world have healthy babies and there's no reason why I shouldn't be one of them.

So I know that I have to do a lot of cognitive work and change those thoughts - they don't help, they don't add value, and really they don't make any difference to what is happening.

I do feel better - trying to just stay in the moment with everything.

Actually, yesterday I had such a good day and I was meditating and had not only a surge of excitement but also this really strong feeling that I want to let go of as much of the anxiety as I can; that it will be a relief to do so.

If that makes sense! xx

[lelarose]

So glad you're feeling better newdawn. *Lucy T66- just wanted to say you're not saying one thing I haven't thought myself and I felt hideous guilt and shame too.

Most of my close friends have never been pregnant and have the same idealistic image of the whole thing that I did. I felt so confused and ungrateful being so negative, I would never have imagined feeling the way I have.

I think the thing to remember is that worrying about your child's health and if you are going to be able to cope with motherhood is really just because you care so deeply about it, so try not to beat yourselves up for it. No one knows what its really like til they're in it. The first bit is particularly hard I think. I admit I am scared about my 20 week scan next week but nothing like as bad as I was before the first one.

Keep posting if you need support guys.

[cardamomginger]

Well done newdawn - glad the meditation and acupuncture's helping and the therapist is in place for next week. Have no idea how I would have known if I'd been DM-ed !
Good luck with your scan lelarose.
Ladies - we will all be fine and our babies will be amazing!
XX