I'm pregnant and I'm absolutely terrified

[Anon12344556]

I found out that I'm pregnant last night and I'm absolutely terrified. I honestly don't know what to do, my mum is my best friend I knew I had to tell her. I got straight in my car and drove a pretty emotional 20 minutes to her house, where I burst out crying saying I was pregnant. She took it really well and explained all the pros and cons of having a baby, and that I had to speak to my boyfriend about it.
I'm 19 years old, just got accepted into Exeter University to study Law and I don't know what to do!!
Today has been a lot more emotional, I went to the doctors and she gave me a phone number to an abortion clinic. I made an appointment for an initial consultation so I can get a scan and see how far along I am and discuss my options- but I don't know how I'm going to be able to go through with either decision.
Since getting home I have been frantically googling (not a good idea) and crying my Absolute eyes out.
I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years, I live with him (rent), both have quite good jobs and I'm doing an online law degree. But I'm terrified that I'm not ready for a baby of my own but also it keeps running through my mind that I have something growing inside of me with a heart beating, and I'm not sure I can just get rid of it.
I don't know what to do, crying seems the only option. I'm so scared to have a baby because I care a lot more than I should about social judgement but I don't know what's best for me and if it's really fair to bring a baby into this world when I'm so young and there is so much we want to do before having a family.. I wish there was a right thing to do, but I'm so upset and confused and I don't know what to do :'(

[DippyHippy2016]

I saw your post and didn't want to just read and run. You seem remarkably mature for your age. What has your boyfriend said? You both have to be comfortable and able to live with whatever decision is made.

I became pregnant at 20 despite using contraception and had our eldest at 21. I look younger than I am. I felt judged. I thought I went to a public school, went to university (had to leave due to a familial breakdown and subsequent lack of student finance) I am an educated good human and people are just going to assume things about me when they don't even know me.

My best advice is regardless of age there are some people who will always be ready to think the worst. It says more about them than it does of you. You can't please all of the people all of the time so do what's best for you and your family unit and surround yourself with positive supportive people.

Best of luck and congratulations on getting onto you degree. If you decide to continue with your pregnancy you can always defer.

[1moretime]

Didn't want not to reply.
I agree you sound really mature. It's a tough decision for you to have to make. Have you spoke to your boyfriend? See how he feels.
It's good you have told your mum and she can offer you support whatever your decision.
I don't have any suggestions hun...All I can say is go with your heart.
xxx

[Anon12344556]

Thank you so much for your replies, it really means a lot to me.

I feel like I have no proper friends to speak to and its so hard.
But my boyfriend is such a kind person, at first he said that he doesnt approve of abortions, but now he's on the fence and leaning more towards not having the baby. But he said he will support my decision 110% as both my mum and dad have said they would too. My boyfriend has cuddled me when I've cried and told me we can get through it. Which I know we can, whatever the decision is.
I've read so much on the Internet about how the baby has a heart beat and peoples abortion stories- I'm petrified.
I've always wanted children and I love babies so much, I know I could do it but I don't know if it's fair on my child and if I could do a better job when I'm slightly older and can be so proud to announce my baby instead of being petrified of what people (mainly my mums side of the family) will say? xxx

[DippyHippy2016]

That's what MN is for!

I agree with 1more that you have to go with your heart.

Things can be difficult with a baby regardless of age, status, finances etc.

Try not to Google. It sounds like you have great support

Please let us know how it goes either way

[Liss85]

I wouldn't worry about judgement - people will always judge you for something and 19 isn't that young to have a baby these days. If you didn't want to keep the baby but don't want an abortion you could look at other options like adoption. When my sister got pregnant at 19 my mum offered to bring the baby up instead, my sister declined but her and her boyfriend moved in with us so she had support. Perhaps you could work out going to university and having your mum look after the baby if she's able? On the up side, my sisters kids are pretty grown up now so she's got more of a social life than she did before kids, whilst still only being 38. Having kids doesn't mean the end of opportunities to do stuff plus plenty of people still do university, travel etc with Young kids. Saying that, I'm pro choice because I would rather a baby wasn't brought into the world than live in poverty, with bad parents, or with parents that will resent them for what they had to give up (obviously, I'm not saying that would be the case with you).

I think its always a case that there's never really a good time. I think the most important part is that you're in a stable relationship with a good person. I waited until a good time and it turns out we're still going to struggle financially (even though I have two degrees and my husband works in law) and ideally I'd like to have been a bit younger (I'll be 31 when the baby is born).

I think you just need to forget about pros and cons and focus on what your gut is telling you if you can. Think about what you feel rather than the practicalities because I think if you really want this baby then you can make it work but even if you were in the best position, if you didn't really want the baby then it's never going to work out well. Good luck with your decision.

[naomijd19]

Hey, I can actually relate so much with you right now!

Like yourself I am also 19 years old and I have recently pretty much a month-ish ago, discovered that I am pregnant! I literally panicked, the same as you I was so emotional and couldn't stop crying - I found it difficult telling my Mum, but she has been so good with me.
Telling my boyfriend was also scary - he reacted badly at first (though I think that was just shock), we both have good jobs - he's a manager and I work for the NHS.

Due to thinking about our futures, we considered abortion firstly, had the consultation booked, and he turned to say that he didn't want to go, he didn't want to attend that appointment at all - he said he'd rather see a midwife and think positively.. We both went and the midwife wanted to check if there was a heartbeat as I had issues with dating, she found a heartbeat and he became instantly very teary and we were both hit by the realism of it - he came to me and said I can't do an abortion - he said he'd love to have a baby and that we could make it work and be a perfect family - ever since our relationship has been so perfect! We've never been so happy, I am now 12+1 and I'll attach the scan photo, I bought a babysuit for him and a little hat for baby which says 'I love Dad' and they are so adorable! His eyes lit up so much!

I'm so in love with him and happy that I am sooo excited!! And from seeing the scan now, we are so happy we never went through an abortion, seeing little legs kicking about on the ultrasound melted our hearts.

I think personally - you do what's best for yourself, I think the importance of it all is that you're both in it together, in all honesty I couldn't do this on my own. Being with him makes this all good, he's said he's excited for me to get my bump and he attends all appointments with me, midwife, scans, blood tests.. & is all of a sudden over protective and soppy!

You still have time for your future, I'm starting a new job after my pregnancy and am still working towards my dream career, life's just what you make it! And if you ever need someone to talk to, it would be good to get into contact, your story was pretty much my situation.

Just remember the choice is yours, and nobody should be judgemental regardless!
Naomi x

[Blue2014]

You know, I know this is a minor point and not the point of the thread but depending on how far along you are there may not actually be a heartbeat there yet.

Take care, and it sounds like you have a great mum

[BeautifulMaudOHara]

Poor you. Remember that if you have a baby you and your boyfriend will be in each other's lives for ever. That might be fine, it might not.

It might be the right thing to do to have an abortion, especially if you hadn't intended having children yet. Personally, I think I was too young at 19. I had an abortion in my early 20s and it was the right thing to do. I don't regret it at all, not even a teeny bit. I just thought I'd share so you see that point of view too. Good luck.

[JayDot500]

I wish you all the best with your decision.

Didn't want to read and run, but my MIL got into a very good law school in London after just having her first child (then went on to have 2 more over the next 3 years). This was in the 70s where things were much harder.

She deferred her placement for a year, then started in earnest. She was married to a great man who bought her a car to make things easier, but she still had to sacrifice a lot to make it work (especially sleep!). She graduated with top honours and became a very esteemed barrister.

It can be done, but it's not easy. I've got a son and I can tell you first hand that deferring your placement is probably a sensible option (my brain was mush those first months), but the option to turn it down and seek something more practical (such as part time or online) are still there if higher education is something you want for yourself.

Otherwise, there are still other pathways into a career, you just need to research.

Pregnant at 19 is something I have no experience of, but wish you all the best

[Lolimax]

Hi anon. Mum of a first year student here. Just something to throw into the mix. I'm not sure where home is (near Exeter?) but could you defer for a year then go next year taking baby and boyfriend with you? It won't be easy but the uni will support you and will have some kind of childcare provision...or you withdraw and go to a uni nearer home or one that is more family friendly. Others have done it. There's a girl in DD's year pregnant, she's taking a year off then joining the year below her.
I know you're panicked, it's NOT the end of the world, it sounds like you have good support around you. Make whatever decision you think is right for you. And good luck chick.

[2under2aagh]

Hello

I've been in your situation well almost
I was already at uni in second year and engaged and 19
I went to uni straight from alevels though.

It won't be easy every relationship is put under strain once you've had a baby but my son is 10 now

If you have lots of family support to babysit you could complete first term do your exams in Jan 17 then take time off and go back to finish the next year

Honestly you can go back and finish your degree at any time

I finished mine and went on to do a masters but it wasn't easy I would get home do dinner, clean up,help with homework then be up to 2-3 in the mornings sometimes up all night to finish assignments,

But it's not forever it's only for a few years!

You can put the baby in daycare and get help towards the costs and also get the parents learning allowance

They have online calculators you should check out

It will be so much easier to study and get some uni work done before the baby is born so do as much as you can before its born

[Annabrooke90]

Hi,

It is a difficult situation and only you can decide what your heart wants. People can advise you but ultimately nobody knows your true feelings better than yourself. Right now you will be of course thinking allsorts (that's normal), explore the options go to the clinic, it may help you realise what you truly want.

I was 17 when I found out I was pregnant with my first, been with my first ever partner for just 5 months and I had a Part-time retail job,he had a better job. It was terrifying and scary and like you I have massive issues with thinking too much into societies judgments. I had my baby, went back to work when mat leave finished and everything ended up fine.

Fast forward some years, I am now 25, still with the same partner have four children and pregnant with my 5th. Ive been back at college for the last three years to achieve better grades and a diploma in access to Higher education, my baby is due in September and I've been accepted onto a nursing degree at university. It's not been easy (far from) but it all worked out for me. I'm 19 weeks now and not told anyone I'm expecting due to the judgements (which I very much will get with having 5 children at 25).

That's just my experience though. I hope you make the right decision for you .

[babynumber3eek]

I remember that feeling of panic from when I found out I was pregnant with my first daughter, now 19. I was 18 and in my final year of A'Levels (incidentally at an all boys school that only took a few girls in the sixth form... ).

My parents were not in the slightestbit supportive and initially my then bf thought it would be better if we didn't have the baby but I knee I couldn't go through with a termination. It is a very personal decision that no one can make for you. We decided to keep the baby and I have never regretted it for a second. I now have a wonderful family, five A'Levels, a first class degree and a perspective on life and it's twists and turns that I might never have had otherwise.

I am not saying you should keep your baby, but just that there is never a right time and that having a baby doesn't have to stop you achieving your goals in life. For me having my daughter made me FAR more determined to achieve them and to prove my doubters very very wrong!

[Nickname1980]

Oh I really feel for you. I got pregnant at 18 when I was in my first year of university. I was 19 when he was born.

Honestly, it was incredibly hard. I was someone (not anymore) who cared a lot about what other people thought... And people were pretty horrible and judgemental. I really didn't want to stay living where I grew up, so I stayed at uni so I could have choices (baby was born in the summer so I could, and went back when he was tiny). I wish I could tell you that life has been roses and easy... I'm in my 30s now and life is good, but it was incredibly hard when I was younger. I missed out on things like traveling and freedom and living in shared flats. I gained an amazing child who I'd never swap for anything but I felt like two people, split, one a mother and one a young person trying to get on at uni and in work. None of my friends had children and I never made friends with any new mothers my age. I felt a different generation to my child's friends' parents. My mother helped me a lot, but that was fraught as neither of us knew our role.

I feel like I've been so negative and I actually wanted to make you feel better! I suppose what I'm saying is: it will turn out fine. And whatever decision you make, you won't regret - don't let yourself - because you'll have made it for the right reason.

[Becciilouisex3]

Hi chick!

I wouldn't like to tell you what to do either way, go with your heart.

What I will say though is to make sure you base your decision ONLY on what is best for you, your life and your situation because at the end of the day, this decision is going to affect you most of all whichever one you come to.

Please don't allow social judgement or anything of the sort influence your decision. Believe me I understand caring about it more than you wish and like to think you do but you do learn to think scree you!

I found out I was pregnant at the beginning of February and I was terrified. I'm only 21. It took me so so long to actually become happy and excited about it. I had huge dreams I hadn't had time to achieve and they meant so much to me. Before I'd got pregnant, I'd look at girls my age with my dreams who got pregnant thinking "what are you doing, you have a life to live, what have you done ruining your life getting pregnant"!

All I can say is that when it becomes you, it's different. I knew I personally couldn't go through with an abortion ( nothing against anyone who does I just knew personally I would feel too much guilt ), I rent my own place with my partner, we have good jobs him especially and I knew we could do it and in the end I realised I have a little baby inside me and now I'm so happy! My plans have COMPLETELY changed but that's absolutely okay with me now and it shocks me because if you'd have asked me even the day before I found out I was pregnant id have said anyone getting themselves pregnant early is silly! I know awful, ignorant attitude I had!

Basically, do what your heart tells you. If you're just scared you can't do it I'm positive you can, it's normal to doubt yourself! But if you really don't think you can and you decide to go through with the abortion, never feel like a bad person because you need to do what is best for you and your wellbeing and no one knows that better than yourself!

You seem incredibly intelligent so I'm sure you will have no problem in making the best decision for yourself!

Good luck whatever you decide lovely!