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Feel bullied into abortion

(16 Posts)
spaceyface89 Tue 03-Nov-15 16:15:55

I need some help and advice.

I'm 12 weeks pregnant with a man I've been seeing for around a year. I was initially uncertain what I wanted to do and discussed all options with the baby's father who seemed to be supportive and understanding. I courted the idea of abortion for a while, but also the idea of keeping it and had never committed to either option

The baby's father, assuming I'd have an abortion, and therefore there would be no implications on his life, decided to tell me he didn't want to see me again, and there was no contact for several weeks.

During this time, I'd had scans and seen the baby and gradually came to the conclusion I would continue with the pregnancy, knowing that I would raise it as a single parent.

I informed the father of this decision, I believe, kindly and respectfully as adult should do. He then decided to crash back into my life. He phoned me at work demanding that I have an abortion or he'd tell all my friends and family what had happened. Which isn't much of a threat as they'll find out at some stage but was so hurtful and delivered with such spite.

He shouted down the phone about the life my child would have, that I would be an awful parent, etc , that he wanted no contact, and in the same breath he'd tell me that he hopes I know he'd be round at my house every day exercising his rights to be a parent (which sounds far more like a threat than his desire to be involved).

He flits from telling me he has to be involved as per his rights, and when I articulate my feelings, he tells me he doesn't want to know.

I was so confident in my ability to raise and love this child and I know that it can get love from the many of my family and friends and sources other than that of a father.

Now I feel like maybe I'm selfish, that I'm ruining his life, that maybe I shouldn't have a baby against the wishes of the father. But I'm also struck with how selfish he is, walking away from me when he thought I'd have an abortion and he'd got away with it and then suddenly making demands on me when he might be affected by what I do.

I don't know what to do. I had a scan and it felt like my baby, regardless of who its father is, it's mine. And now I feel so conflicted.

Any advice greatly appreciated.

Sighing Tue 03-Nov-15 16:23:20

Well, be glad you're out of a relationship with him.
You've told him your decision. He cannot control your decision re going ahead.
Take a clear step back. Cut contact for now. You can advise him of birth but you don't need this escalsting threatening behaviour.
Do tell friends and family, I am sure they'll be supportive. Get the support network you will use as a parent going now. Invite a close friend / parent to future scans. Consider a maternity/ birth partner to share things with.

bugista Tue 03-Nov-15 16:24:10

He sounds completely toxic and horrible, I'm so sorry that he's harrassing you like this - he has absolutely no right to make you feel like this. YOU have every right to do what you feel you would like to do in this situation - his choice is either to support you or to walk away...he has no right to try and pressure you into making the choice he wants you to make. He's bang out of order and this is not ok.

Can you ignore his calls - send him a message saying your decision is final and his arguments/calls are upsetting you. If he continues to harrass you then tell him you're going to go to the police. I really hope you're able to ignore him and get on with your life - what an arse. xx

capsium Tue 03-Nov-15 16:26:23

I would go NC with him as he sounds aggressive. Then I would find out what my legal rights would be if he were to try and get contact and regarding restraining orders.

Don't get an abortion if you are not at all sure about it.

GrizzlebertGrumbledink Tue 03-Nov-15 16:30:45

As the other have said, stop contact. He has no power over you or your body, he gets absolutely no say in whether you have an abortion or not - that's up to you entirely.

Keep any evidence of this behaviour - threats etc. in case you need it later

Autumn2014 Tue 03-Nov-15 16:38:38

Definitely bring it up with your mw at your next appointment.

spaceyface89 Tue 03-Nov-15 20:02:18

Thank you all for your comments. I know his behaviour isn't ok and is full of contradictions, it's just so hard to see that in the midst of all his nastiness.

I don't know if I'm the selfish one forcing him to become a father and making a baby grow up potentially without s dad

roseformyrose Tue 03-Nov-15 20:14:35

I'm so sorry you're going through this when being pregnant should be a happy time and ideally shared with someone who loves and supports you. I really feel for you.

I was in almost exactly your situation 2.5 years ago and it was really tough. I eventually decided on a termination as I couldn't bear the guilt of making someone a father when they didn't want to be. However, it was a decision that led to a lot of mental pain for me and my decision was by no means an easy option. I think once you've come to terms with the idea of a baby it's very hard to let that go without serious consequences for your mental health.

I would agree with others that this is a decision you have to make without constant distraction from him, so backing off contact for now is a good idea. You may find that he becomes more reasonable once you've made a final decision either way - his current terrible behaviour may be partly panic and desperation to force you into making the decision he wants.

I don't think you would be selfish to intentionally be a single the parent - the baby would be loved and wanted. However, if you have the baby you will have to find a way of potentially having this man in your life forever, and that doesn't sound like an easy prospect.

bugista Wed 04-Nov-15 11:41:37

You're not being selfish at all, hun. You aren't forcing him to be a father (you've made that clear to him). There are lots and lots of kids that grow up in single parent families for loads of reasons and are happy and healthy. Make the decision that YOU want to make and ignore this moron. Best of luck!

Sandsnake Wed 04-Nov-15 12:09:41

1) flowers
2) Talk to your midwife about it ASAP.
3) Document everything he says to you - every call, every message. This might be important if there is a dispute about your baby in the future.
4) Judging by everything you have said in your OP you clearly want this baby. Don't let anyone let you feel bullied into an abortion. You are not being selfish - your ex is trying to make you feel that as he seems to be a bullying and controlling prick.

PavlovtheCat Wed 04-Nov-15 12:16:06

You are not forcing him to be a father, he made that choice when he had unprotected sex with you.

You didn't make this baby alone.

You are not selfish for wanting to keep a baby that you are feeling emotions for now. You acknowledge that you have love and support from other sources, and so call upon those sources now, tell them what great news you have, and also help them protect you from this horrible man.

Keep a record, as mentioned, not just for future issues if they arise, but to evidence any escalation in harassment. His own issues about having an unplanned baby are no longer yours, as made that choice when he ended the relationship. You no longer have to consider him while he remains so hostile and aggressive.

Further down the line, if he wishes to seek contact, he can use the power of the courts to support in him that, unless of court between now and then he realises what a fuckwit he is and decides to be a decent man.

Good luck with your pregnancy.

May09Bump Wed 04-Nov-15 16:55:08

Congratulations on your pregnancy, it sounds to me that you have decided to go ahead after seeing the scans. Don't let anyone change you mind - it is your decision.

Tell your midwife, then write him an email saying you wish no further contact until after the birth as it's causing stress, given his behaviour. Then state you will involve the police if it continues. Tell him you are blocking all his correspondence, and you have his number / will notify him of the birth. Further contact re the baby, can be dealt with afterwards.

BryonyBirdy123 Wed 04-Nov-15 18:13:54

Unless he actually signs the birth certificate he has no paternal rights.You won't have to have contact.Try to focus on mothers who are gay/straight/etc who use sperm donation and how the father doesn't have to be important or his views feeling can get a do not contact order fro the police to help prevent the threats and harassment continuing which should helpsmile

Scattymum101 Thu 05-Nov-15 10:07:00

Oh how horrible for you. That's the last thing you need while pregnant and fragile.

You are NOT being selfish. He is. He's only thinking about how this impacts on him, not you or the baby.

Take him out of the equation. Would you want the baby? You've already answered that in previous posts. Ask yourself which one you would regret - a termination because you feel guilty about a man you'll probably never see again if you end the pregnancy?
Or having a baby you've bonded with and doing your best to love and care for them despite making mistakes like any other parent ( because we're all scared of that).

I'm totally pro choice and if you were saying you didn't want this baby then I would be agreeing that termination is the best option but it doesn't sound like that's how you feel. Xx

spaceyface89 Thu 05-Nov-15 18:55:01

Thanks for such lovely support. I'm trying to be rational and level headed. I'm scared that I'll ruin the father's life and trying to balance my right to control my body and his not to become a father and it's difficult to grapple. If I was only more selfish like he seems to be I'm sure I wouldn't be tying myself in knots.

Scattymum101 Thu 05-Nov-15 19:14:04

You will not 'ruin his life'. He doesn't have to participate if he doesn't want to. However he does need to provide financially. He is not behaving in a way deserving of your guilt right now xx

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