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How to correctly punctuate/phrase this sentence?

(17 Posts)
Redroses11 Wed 24-Feb-16 16:20:02

A highly competent, motivated and enthusiastic Buyer: with ample experience of proactively working, as part of a team in a busy office environment.

Would it read better as follows:

A highly competent, motivated and enthusiastic Buyer with extensive experience of working proactively as part of a team, in a busy office environment.

Sorry - I didn't compose it, but it just doesn't flow to me.
Also - is ample incorrect here? (I'm thinking bosoms!)
Is it correct to say 'proactively working' or should it be the other way around i.e. 'working proactively'

Thanks for any help and or suggestions/corrections.

DadDadDad Wed 24-Feb-16 17:25:19

Straight off, your second version reads much better. Certainly the comma after "working" in the first version looks wrong.

I do think "extensive" and "working proactively" sound better. Extensive suggests the person has covered a range of different experiences, whereas ample just suggests lot of experience, which could mean they've just the same thing for years and years.

Sgtmajormummy Wed 24-Feb-16 17:36:16

I'd keep your second sentence but remove the comma.
(Not a professional "pedant", just giving an opinion).

DadDadDad Wed 24-Feb-16 17:38:43

There are professional pedants?! confused grin

ghostoftheMNchicken Wed 24-Feb-16 17:53:08

Second version reads much better, although I would add a comma after 'buyer' and remove the comma after 'team'.

'Extensive' is MUCH better than ample, which in this context sounds like you're saying 'enough' experience, rather than 'lots', at least that's how it reads to me.

The colon in the first example is just wrong.

Sgtmajormummy Wed 24-Feb-16 18:00:32

On MN there are, Dad!

CadburysTastesVileNow Wed 24-Feb-16 18:04:03

'How correctly to punctuate ...'

Since you asked ;)

GrouchyKiwi Wed 24-Feb-16 18:06:43

I agree with Sgtmajormummy.

A comma after "buyer" isn't necessary - it's a style choice - but the one after "team" is wrong, IMO.

DadDadDad Wed 24-Feb-16 18:14:35

No, Cadbury, "to correctly punctuate" is perfectly acceptable English.

CadburysTastesVileNow Wed 24-Feb-16 18:17:15

<<faints>>

SwedishEdith Wed 24-Feb-16 18:19:01

'How correctly to punctuate' sounds really awkward. If you were going to insist that you can't split an infinitive, 'How to punctuate correctly' would sound better. But, since that's a bonkers rule, the OP's title is fine. I'm not a pedant though.

notagiraffe Wed 24-Feb-16 18:23:48

The second sentence is better. Just get rid of the comma; it's incorrect.
(Professional English tutor with pedantic twitches.)

thenewaveragebear1983 Wed 24-Feb-16 18:27:51

In reality the only comma you need is after competent. The rest flows perfectly well without the additional commas. I would be wary of splitting infinitives, I'm not sure if they're frowned upon per se, but they do lend a poetic nature to your sentence which perhaps is unnecessary in a job application/ CV (I'm assuming that's what this is?) - and definitely lose the italics.
(I'm a professional pedant/ grammar geek BTW, I teach English language)

CrotchetQuaverMinim Wed 24-Feb-16 18:28:51

I'd also get rid of the capital letter on Buyer, unless it's some really specific jargon (a bit like how lawyers always capitalise You and Us).

It's also obviously not a sentence the way it stands - if it's part of a list of bullet points, then they should match, so it might depend on what comes before or after it.

Or if it's the only point, you could just write the whole thing as a sentence and forget about bullet points etc.: "Company xx is seeking a highly competent...."

You also don't have to decide whether to have a capital A to start it off, if you write it as part of the whole sentence like that.

Redroses11 Wed 24-Feb-16 19:17:30

The italics were to emphasise what I had changed in the wording!

Redroses11 Wed 24-Feb-16 19:20:22

Thanks for the help!
It is indeed a bullet point on a CV. I will change it to the amended version leaving the second comma out.

DadDadDad Wed 24-Feb-16 20:08:55

A professional pedant knows what a split infinitive is and knows that the rule banning them is a load of old cobblers, based on a misguided early grammar that modelled English on Latin, where the latter has single words for the infinitive, so obviously can't be split. smile

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