Grandmother undermining me already... help!

[Haleana]

Hi,

I have a four month old son who is already learning how to get people to pick him up if he cries. This is beginning to be a problem and I have been trying to teach him that I will not just pick him up if he doesn't need something as soon as he makes a whimper.

Recently I have been leaving him for longer periods in his pushchair if he is not fussing and then waiting until I know he really needs something before I pick him up.

My mother-in-law owns the local hairdressers and I was in there for a wash and blowdry on Friday. I left my son in his chair at reception under the watch of some of the girls. I instructed all of them including my MIL that he was not to be picked up unless he was screaming his lungs out and upsetting customers.

By the time I had got to the basins and had my hair washed, my MIL had taken him out of his chair and was walking him around the salon.

She knew that this was not what I wanted because she kept saying to him 'Ooh Mummy's going to be angry with me now because I picked you up'.

When I asked her why, she said that he had started to cry and she didn't know what to do. He hadn't, I would have heard from where I was. I told her that she was weak. She then said 'Well if it's any consolation he gave me such a big smile when I picked him up'! I couldn't believe it! I said 'THAT IS THE PROBLEM! THIS IS WHY I'M TRYING TO LEAVE HIM FOR A BIT!' She just laughed it off and then walked away with him, leaving me surrounded by gobsmacked staff in my chair.

There have been other occasions where me and my husband have tried to tell her how we want our son raised and about things we would and would not tolerate and she has gone against it. We said that we never wanted him to co-sleep with ANYONE. She replied by saying it was 'what grandparents do' with their grandkids and that she should be able to. In the salon she told her customers that we were being unfair and that it is her 'right' as a grandparent to share a bed with her grandchild!

How on earth do I deal with this? She lives a few hundred yards away from us and expects to see us at least 1-3 times a week (my parents see him maybe once a fortnight if they're lucky). I don't want to ruin the relationship but at the same time I can't deal with her being like this. She's not trying to be difficult, I honestly think that she is just completely obsessed with her first grandchild but I'm worried it will have an impact on how we want to raise him.

Anyone been in this kind of situation before? If so, what the hell do you do???!!!

[MrsWobbleTheWaitress]

Um...well I would deal with it by CUDDLING MY CHILD!!!! Why on earth don't you want to cuddle him? Why did you have him?

Sorry to reply stroppily, but I'm in a bloody grumpy mood and I just cannot understand what the problem is with a child, baby, toddler, adult wanting a cuddle!

[Haleana]

Excuse me but what the hell right do you have to question what I do with my child?! Your worse than her! If you have nothing useful to say then please... take your grumpiness elsewhere! How rude.

[morejuiceplease]

Yabu re cuddling him. What's wrong with her wanting to cuddle her grandson?
Yanbu re co sleeping.

[Haleana]

And for the record, I do cuddle my child plenty. DO NOT IMPLY THAT I DO NOT LOVE HIM.

[lal123]

Jesuz! Babies don't have hidden agendas you know?? What's so wrong with picking him up? You told her whe was WEAK???? Its not a competition between you and your child re who can hold out the longest? 1-3 times a week isn't unreasonable as she lives so close? I learnt early on with my children that they do not BELONG to me, that they have wider family who love them too and who want to be part of their lives.

P.S. I'm not even in a grumpy mood - well I wasn't til I read this

[MrsWobbleTheWaitress]

Um, you asked a question on a parenting website. If you don't want answers that you don't agree with, then don't post!

But why won't you cuddle him? Poor child

[morejuiceplease]

Calm down haleana. You asked for advice. You got it. Just because it's not what you want to hear there's no need to throw your toys out the pram.

[MrsWobbleTheWaitress]

And I didn't imply you didn't love him, I just can't understand the idea that babies are manipulative and will come up with any way they can to get their parents to give them a cuddle. They need cuddles, FFS!

He hasn't 'won' if you give him a cuddle, you've listened to his needs and responded to them!

[lal123]

Also - You leave him til you know he really needs something - I take you don't think that him needing a cuddle/needing to be close to you is important to him?

[oranges]

I think most people would struggle to leave a baby that small to cry, to be honest. I don't think that makes your mother in law weak. So if you really want him to 'learn' that no one will come to him unless he screams his lungs out, you may have to resign yourself to the fact that you can't leave him in anyone else's care.

[dutchmanswife]

Have to agree with the other posters. You can't spoil a baby by picking them up and giving them a cuddle. If he's fussing to be picked up it's because he needs it.

[Haleana]

What does yanbu mean? Sorry not up on the lingo.

Maybe I wasn't clear here. I give my son plenty of love and attention but he is beginning to become extremely demanding 24hrs a day. I know that he is completely fine in terms of being fed, clean etc but he is beginning to 'shout' at me if I do not pick him up instantly. I worry about this.

About the grandmother, I want her to have a healthy relationship with my son but she will hold him for hours and hours at a time and refuses to hand him back or to ANYONE else including his grandad and other members of the family. However, the point here is that she has deliberately undermined me straight away.

I kind of feel a little under attack here people...

[PrettyCandles]

I think you have a serious case of PFB Syndrome.

Fine to set some boundaries with the GPs, but you have to allow some leeway. You have a long and complex relationship ahead of you, make the best of it.

Babies need comfort and contact. I totally understand what you are trying to do with your ds, but you aregoing about it the wrong way and it will backfire on you. A baby needs to know that his needs will be met and that his adults - particularly you ! - can be trusted absolutley to keep him safe. If you force him to be screaming with distress before you meet his needs he will either disconnect from you and become a cold and controling child, or he will go the other way and become an anxious, clingy child. To teach him self-sufficiency and self-confidence, meet his needs before they become extreme. A baby's cry is speech. He has no words. Answer him!

[HumphreyCobbler]

He does need something when he cries.

He needs you to pick him up.

[lal123]

Reminds me of that heartbreaking NSPCC advert where hte wee boy has learnt not to cry because no-one comes to him when he does...

[MrsMargate]

Ooh love, wrong audience.

Try Gina Ford's site - folks round 'ere pick up and cuddle babies when they whimper.

RUN FOR YOUR LIFE

[MrsWobbleTheWaitress]

And how would you feel if you found that you had to be actually sobbing your heart out to get a cuddle from someone? What if you just wanted to be near someone you love?

Read Why Love Matters by Sue Gerhardt or What Every Parent Should Know by Margot Sunderland and you'll soon realise how wrong your thinking is about crying, emotional needs, babies, cuddles...

[MrsWobbleTheWaitress]

There is nothing wrong with being demanding except that it's hard work for you. there is nothing wrong with a baby who is going trhough a phase where he needs his mum's comfort more than other times. It is totally normal and you will bring up a more emotionally secure child by responding to his needs and allowing him to cling when he needs to.

[Pootles2010]

blimey can't believe you called her weak and she laughed it off! She must be pretty laid back.

YANBU about co sleeping thing though - i would be pretty hacked off about that.

[chihiro]

Well I think a lot of people will take issue with your first sentence - 'I have a four month old son who is already learning how to get people to pick him up if he cries'.

No, you do not. It is simply not possible for a four-month-old to manipulate its parents this way. Children do not and cannot learn to do this until they are much, much older.

If your baby is crying, then he has a need, and you should respond to it.

[Bechka]

He is too young to be 'learning' how to get people to pick him up, ie manipulating people. He is a tiny 4 month old baby! He needs to be cuddled and held and loved, end of.

[Haleana]

Pleeease, it's not that I don't want to cuddle him. Of course I do, I love him to pieces. It's just getting to the point where I can't do anything in a day because he want's to be cuddled literally all day long! Is that normal? Because if so then I apologise, I have got it wrong.

And I was only chucking my toys out of the pram originally because of the tone of the first response. No need to get bitchy with me, I'm a first time mum in need of advice. If I've got it wrong then fine and thank you all for helping me out. I don't believe that my son is manipulative, that's just ridiculous! And I was only joking with her when I said that she was weak but I was more pissed about the fact that I'd asked her to do something and she'd deliberately undermined me. Does that make more sense?

[PrettyCandles]

It is absolutely normal to carry and cuddle a 4mo. The truck to teaching them to be contented alone is to pick them up before they ask to be picked up. If you do this in a considered way, you will see that, over the weeks, he will be happier alone for increased periods.

BTW you do know I hope that in a few months he's going to start separation anxiety. This phase can last a long time , and you will be very happy if there is another adult to whom he will go contentedly!

[lal123]

Yes - it's pretty normal for a 4 month old to want all your attention - have you tried a sling?

[OhExpletive]

YES IT IS NORMAL!