One mixed baby one white baby close in age(18 Posts)
I need some advise and perhaps comments from other parents who have the same or similar situation.
I was with my ex for 3 years and had my son with him who is now 16 months old. He is beautiful, white with blue eyes and dark blonde hair. His eyes are piercing blue. I split with my ex just a few months after he was born as he wanted us to relocate to Ireland, a decision I didn't want to follow.
I then started seeing someone July last year. It wasn't anything serious and I was on the pill as did not imagine having any babies with him anytime soon. I fell pregnant in October with him but before I found out our relationship fizzled out gradually (was long distance) we still get on now, there is no hard feelings between us. He says he will be there for the baby but with him being so far away I'm not confident he will be involved like how I want him to be involved.
He is black (Jamaican) so I assume daughter will have dark hair dark skin dark eyes. Obvious difference between her and my son.
My sons dad is involved (he pays me child support, skype calls his son every week) but that's about it. My daughters dad I hope will have more involvement but I'm not confident.
I'm really scared how people will look at me as a single mum with two close together in age and of different races. Especially people like doctors, health visitors etc
Am I looking to much in to it and caring too much about what people think? It's just a real big fear of mine at the moment. I love my daughter regardless of her colour and I do not care at all that she will be mixed race. What I'm concerned about is people's opinions and reactions.
Well you're worrying about the wrong things then OP! It would be very unprofessional of doctors, HVs etc to make disparaging comments or to judge you. I expect you'll get questions and curiosity but really, it's not anyone else's business. Also, there will be 2 years between them so I would say that's a pretty normal age gap.
Maybe prepare some stock answers, so that if anyone does say something you will have an answer ready.
"Yes, they're brother and sister. I'm lucky to have a blended family."
"No - they don't look alike do they? It runs in the family."
There are people who are racist, there's no point pretending racism doesn't exist, even in 'professionals'.
Rise above them.
It's entirely possible to have a children of mixed heritage where one looks v white and the other dark. There was even twins who looked v different. You could say they have the same Dad if that makes you feel better?
I'd be surprised if HCP judged you or at least you could tell they were, they might in private though. I think the biggest problem you might face is people judging you for being single and having two young children from different dad's. The fact that the children will look so different will just alert people to this fact so people you don't want to know about your private life will.
What can you do though op? Rise above, ignore. Congratulates on your pregnancy, enjoy your little ones
One last thing op, don't let worrying about what people will think keep you away from playgroups and toddler activities. There are plenty of lovely people in the world to make up for the bad ones, just hang out with them.
We are both white and have two children, the older is white and the younger is mixed ethnicity. So I have no idea if people think DH is my third relationship in five years or if he and I split and got back together. I could clarify the whole situation by telling everyone in the street that both my children are adopted from X country and have Y background and Z ethnicity. But it's none of their business, it's my children's story to share if and when they wish.
People do say "oh DC2 has lovely colouring" to which I generally reply "yes it's lovely".
HCPs do have to know and they will need to know about your children too but it's medical information. Not gossip.
Congratulations. Don't parent through fear. Ask yourself, honestly, if the chance of meeting a racist wazzock has any bearing on the way you'll raise and love both of your children. Nope. I doubt it.
Mine are 16months apart one is very white, green eyes (whiter than her white dad) the other is south American colouring, dark eyes, curly hair (same as me).
They have the same parents so if you don't want people to know about the diff dads just don't tell them.
People comment but its never been negative more wow your kids are so different kind of thing.
Although I'm prob thick skinned as I'm one of five kids and we all pass for diff nationalities and got a lot more comments about it back in the 80's.
While it's not the same my husband's family is Mediterranean and I'm very pale, white white skin, blue eyes, blonde hair. My two sons are dark, look nothing like me at all. Several times I've been asked in public "oh what lovely boys, are they yours?". Sometimes it's said nicely with genuine interest and other times there is an implied nosey manner that says everything they might be thinking (in the summer my eldest goes very brown and he can look darker than he is naturally). The nice ones I answer, the grumpy ones I give sarcastic comments "No, I stole them...". There are idiots everywhere. Who cares what they think?
I dont think people will judge you! Many people have different looking kids. I have one child with dark, almost black coloured eyes and dark brown hair and the other child blonde hair and blue eyes. I used to get asked if they were brother and sister or if they are both mine. I didnt mind the questions. People were just curious. I have dark hair and eyes and my husband blonde w blue. Hence the two different looking kids
HCP are the last people who will comment or 'think' anything
Amongst the general public people say the daftest things even making general chit chat . My DS is not the same colour as me and if I take him out with one of his white friends they assume I am mum to friend.
But you know, people have all sorts of families , boy and girl , twins , one disabled one not , step kids, half kids, foster families, and a mum with two kids who are half siblings . It's no big deal.
Don't pretend the children have the same father , it will raise more daft comments, confuse the children and make it look as if you have something to hide. Which you haven't.
Worry more about maintaining contact and financial support from the dads!
My first is blonde, blue eyes, poker straight hair and very pale skin, my second has dark olive colouring, tight ringlets and dark brown eyes. They do look like they have different fathers. 17 months between them.
While I get comments like "wow, they're so different!" they've been kindly meant. No one's ever asked if they have the same father. (they do, as it happens)
HCP's will have nothing to say about children who are loved and cared for.
My Dd's have the same parents, but one looks Arab and the other looks white, they don't look like sisters, that's just the way genetics go sometimes. I've yet to have any snotty comments.
I have two white DC and a mixed race youngest DC. There's about two years age gap between each of them. I've only met one person who didnt have enough social awareness who asked me outright (quickly resolved with a blunt 'and its your business because?..') I did worry that it might be more when I was pg with dc3 but honestly a) I couldn't give a fuck about other people opinions on my family are and B) it didn't actually happen. Everybody just treats us as a family.
Enjoy your new addition to your family. It's nobodies business but yours
i used to know two sisters less than two yrs between them they had the same parents their mum was white their dad mixed race [afro carribean] the older girl was dark skinned like her dad with afro type hair the younger sister was white with very pale skin red hair and green eyes genetics are a funny thing!
It's no-one's business is it? You can't stop people judging but as long as they keep their opinions to themselves, it won't affect you.
x2boys I know a family like that as well. I know also know two different families where both girls are pale, blond and blue eyed like their mother. My friend has two boys close in age. The first was her ex's and looks like her ex blond and blue eyed, the second she was expecting to look like his father who is mixed race (his mum is white Irish and dad is black Jamaican) but her second son was just as blond as her first son (my friend has dark brown hair) and has big green eyes like his grandmother. I have four children, my husband is Brazilian and a bit of a mixed bag, I'm blond with green eyes. One looks like he's just stepped out of the rainforest, two look southern European and one has bright blond hair and green eyes. The only time anyone in healthcare in the UK said anything was when I was at a scan with my then two year old blond child. My husband was late and asked which room his wife was in, the receptionist looked at him and said "oh is she the woman with the little blond boy?". Here in Brazil anything goes and everyone is so mixed up that no one knows what the baby will come out like. I know siblings that all have very different genetics.
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