Webchat about bullying with Liam Hackett, founder of Ditch the Label - Wednesday 5 April, 9-10pm

[RachelMumsnet]

We’re running a webchat on Wednesday 5 April at 9pm with Liam Hackett, founder of Ditch The Label who will be answering questions about all forms of bullying.

Ditch the Label, a leading anti-bullying charity based in the UK. They are also specialists in cyber-bullying. They recently launched an international campaign #TalkToYourBoys which aims to encourage young males to discuss their feelings or issues they are experiencing with parents or peers and how effective communication can be in helping boys navigate issues of bullying, poor self-esteem and mental health issues.

Join the webchat with Liam Hackett on Wednesday evening (9-10pm) or if you’re unable to make that time, post a question for Liam on this thread in advance.

I might be able to join but just in case.
My daughter has had nearly a year old bullying which finally ended with me removing her from school this month. She is 15, it has totally changed her life. She was on track for great grades but will now struggle to get many as I'm home educating.
Luckily she has talent so will be able to attend a vocational school next year but not all kids have this option.
My question is, how do we get schools to take a more proactive and diverse approach to tackling bullying? Clearly punishments and segregation don't work.
Our school didn't once try mediation or restorative practice despite my pleas and even offers to fund it!
We seem happy to talk to them
About sex and relationships but are reluctant to do anything to reduce the alarming amount of bullying which goes on.

Why are you called 'Ditch the Label'? I couldn't find it on the website. Apologies if I'm just missing it.

I also wondered about the 'ditch the label'

Oh goodness I really hope you can help
I moved my son from a school last October as he was being violently bullied (he's 9) and now this boy has just joined the new school and will be going into his class. The new school are fully aware of this boys history and he's on a "sale
Or return sort of scheme where they can send him back" which I bloody hope they do
The school have been good in that they won't sit them together and they can stay apart at playtimes

He's been so anxious and upset how can I comfort and reassure him better as he is so frightened

I would like to know why children become bullies. My DS is being tormented by a popular child who everyone seems to admire. Why is this child knocking mine over and kicking him when he's down?

So my second question is what do you actually do on an individual basis for people? I had a look at Twitter and the website and there's a lot of partnership working and inspirational memes but is there 121 or direct support or is it a charity looking to improve attitude and support on a wider basis? If that makes sense?
Not that either one is better it's just not clear.

I think some kids just don't get that they're the bully, they're full of excuses, especially around 12/13 years old. I know some girls who I haven't seen saying anything kind to anyone for their entire school career, they just go around making everyone miserable. As a teacher, I don't know what to do about them, and there's nothing in place School wide to fight this constant sneaky nastiness day in day out.

I was bullied as a teenager and the legacy - a lack of self-confidence particularly about my appearance has stayed with me ever since.

My 11 year old is bullied for being very slim with super long legs - this is denting her self-image already. She talks about eating 'junk food' to put on weight so she's not so svelte. To her credit she has stood up to the bullies at school and reported their nastiness (and it was dealt with by the Deputy Head) but it rumbles on.

It strikes me that bullying is and always has been endemic, with girls more the 'perps' than boys (is there any research to support this or have I got a skewed view?). For all the anti-bullying work and awareness done over the years it still seems to be rife (indeed more so than when I was a tween/teen. Isn't it just part of nasty human nature? I am not excusing it but really think it's an uphill battle which will never be won. I would like to think I'm wrong but...

Also what is the psychology behind bullying? Jealousy, power, being 'top dog'? When I look and think back to the girls who bullied me (and the same is true for my DD's bullies) they were neither the clever ones, the pretty ones nor the sporty ones. In fact with the benefit of hindsight they probably really had less going for them than I did (I came from a relatively well-off background whereas they weren't).

Thank you.

My nearly 11 year old daughter is being bullied. She's in her final year at primary and the girl who is doing the bullying has been so sly and secretive about the bullying, gathering in all my daughter's"former" friends and turning them against her. She seems so expert at manipulating situations. It's upset me that the form teacher didn't believe my daughter, or us, when we told the school. My daughter has been so stoical about it, wanting to just get through her SATS and get out but we're not sure we will even get to that point.

The school finally took us all seriously when there was another incident, but their approach has been almost to punish my daughter by keeping her in at breaktimes and lunchtimes, allowing the bully out and seemingly going unpunished. It doesn't seem right or fair to me, especially now that the weather is warm and sunny and she has to stay indoors. At least she is relatively safe at these times, but not in class where the bully can get to her still. I don't know how else we could handle it, other than take her out of school completely and home educate until secondary in September. Frustrating.

Do you have any tips for how to reply to bullies? My 9 year old daughter is called "weird" & "teacher's pet" & "cry baby" (even though she hasn't cried at school for years) & I wonder what she should say back to them without sinking to their level?

Do you have any advice for parents of bullies? I'm pretty sure that my close friend's son (in same school as my kids) is pretty unkind to other kids in his year. I've seen him behaving in quite an intimidating way to other after school and wonder what advice I can offer to my friend to help her stop him doing this?

A warm welcome to our webchat guests this evening - Liam Hackett and a couple of his colleagues from the anti-bullying charity Ditch The Label. Liam it would be great if you can start by telling us a bit about Ditch the Label and the work you do. Welcome to Mumsnet...

Hi everybody,
Thank you for the warm introduction Rachel! We're really excited to be here this evening to hopefully answer as many of your questions as possible.

For those who are less familiar with Ditch the Label, we are one of the largest anti-bullying charities in the world. We work mainly online and help thousands of young people aged 12-25 to overcome bullying and related issues each week. We also produce leading research and campaigns to help us innovate and create societal attitude shifts.

I'm joined by my colleague Sue and Ellie who is one of our Digital Mentors to make sure that we can give you the best advice possible. We know how scary it can be for parents to see their child involved in bullying somehow, so we're here to help.

There are no right or wrong questions so please feel free to ask away. Alternatively, we have a ton of advice and support available at www.DitchtheLabel.org outside of this session.

Thanks for having us and let the questions begin!

• Liam

Hello. My eldest ds was the subject of some cyberbullying. He coped with it very well and even comforted the main bully when he got into trouble over it. The problem I have had (and I don't want to make this about me) is that whilst he seems to have got over it I am finding it hard to forgive the bullies. Their parents have been vile about it, even though their children have apologised to my ds. I feel like it has robbed me of my peace of mind. I worry constantly about him at school. It's a horrible, insidious thing to go through.

@Ledkr

I might be able to join but just in case. My daughter has had nearly a year old bullying which finally ended with me removing her from school this month. She is 15, it has totally changed her life. She was on track for great grades but will now struggle to get many as I'm home educating. Luckily she has talent so will be able to attend a vocational school next year but not all kids have this option. My question is, how do we get schools to take a more proactive and diverse approach to tackling bullying? Clearly punishments and segregation don't work. Our school didn't once try mediation or restorative practice despite my pleas and even offers to fund it! We seem happy to talk to them About sex and relationships but are reluctant to do anything to reduce the alarming amount of bullying which goes on.

Hey Ledkr,
Firstly, sorry to hear what your daughter has been through and I empathize with how life changing it all is but great to hear that you have found another option for her.
I agree that schools need to keep striving for a much more proactive and diverse approach to tackle bullying but getting them there is a challenge.

Here at Ditch the Label we believe that bullying is a behavior and not an identity. Therefore, a bully isn’t a villain to be punished, bullying behavior is a red flag that something isn’t right with that child and they need support and better coping strategies for dealing with their emotions. Which ironically is all to do with emotional awareness and how we interact with one another in relationships.

Have a read of this guide it goes into a bit more detail about our approach and the message we are passing onto young people.
www.ditchthelabel.org/new-way-end-bullying/
Hope it's helpful

Ellie

@noeuf

Why are you called 'Ditch the Label'? I couldn't find it on the website. Apologies if I'm just missing it.

Thanks for the question! The story behind Ditch the Label started in 2005-2006. I had personally been bullied for 10 years and I turned to MySpace to talk about my experiences. I was 15 at the time and completely overwhelmed at the response I received. Literally hundreds of people messaged me over night to tell me that they were being bullied or to give me advice, or even asking me for advice. I learnt early on that this was an issue that was much broader than my own experiences and set up a separate MySpace page and decided to call it 'Ditch the Label'.

I chose the name because I felt like it was empowering - regardless of the labels society puts on you, you can be whoever you want to be. Things like your race, sexuality, appearance or a disability, for example shouldn't define.

Ditch the Label remained more as a concept as I went on to study and then upon graduating from the University of Sussex in 2012 I decided to go for it and now we work across the UK, USA and Mexico - helping up to 150,000 teens each month.

• Liam

@StuntNun

I would like to know why children become bullies. My DS is being tormented by a popular child who everyone seems to admire. Why is this child knocking mine over and kicking him when he's down?

It’s such an important question StuntNun. If we don’t understand fully the problem of bullying, we won’t know how to make a difference in dealing with it so it's important to tackle the root causes.
From our research we know it boils down to a few key factors; people reacting negatively to stress and so by default bullying others as a coping mechanism. They themselves have been bullied and are trapped in a cycle of negative behaviour. A difficult home life or they could be experiencing a traumatic even such as a bereavement.

I recommend having a read of this article to answer your question in more detail: www.ditchthelabel.org/why-do-people-bully/ - Sue

I find it hard to understand how bullies are often described as having been bullied or having a difficult life. The boys who bullied my ds were not bullied themselves and are the 'golden' boys of the school.

@mermaidsandunicorns

Oh goodness I really hope you can help I moved my son from a school last October as he was being violently bullied (he's 9) and now this boy has just joined the new school and will be going into his class. The new school are fully aware of this boys history and he's on a "sale Or return sort of scheme where they can send him back" which I bloody hope they do The school have been good in that they won't sit them together and they can stay apart at playtimes

He's been so anxious and upset how can I comfort and reassure him better as he is so frightened

Hello mermaidsandunicorns

It’s heartbreaking to see the impact bullying has on our children. We can definitely help with some suggestions and tips on how to reassure him in the face of this boy returning to his class.

In exactly the same way we look to cabin crew for confirmation not to panic when we hit turbulence children look to their parents to see If it’s an emergency. It’s essential when you talk about it with him you are calm and collected and let that be reflected in everything you do in relation to it. Avoid letting him hear your fears when talking to other people. If you can model calmness it will unconsciously give him permission to slowly, slowly relax. Experiencing violence leaves you feeling powerless, so perhaps consider a strategy in case they accidently do end up next to other, giving him choices of what he can do in that moment to feel safe and ok. For example letting a teacher know etc.

Have a read of this guide as well It’s got some fantastic tips of what to do and what not to do in terms of communication.
www.ditchthelabel.org/what-to-say-someone-bullied/

Sending lots of positivity your way.
Ellie

@noeuf

So my second question is what do you actually do on an individual basis for people? I had a look at Twitter and the website and there's a lot of partnership working and inspirational memes but is there 121 or direct support or is it a charity looking to improve attitude and support on a wider basis? If that makes sense? Not that either one is better it's just not clear.

Hey Nouef,

Thank you for your question! Well we are a digital anti-bullying charity, so most of the support we provide is online. Aside from getting help from us via social media, online games and email - we have 3 core ways to help people on our website:

1.) We recently launched our ‘Community’, which is an anonymous, safe space for young people aged 12-25 to post any and all questions about what they are going through be it directly or indirectly related to bullying. This is managed by our community of experts and real people, committed to giving advice and support to young people.

2.) We have literally hundreds of support guides, interviews, stories and tips available on our website covering a range of different issues - everything from how to speak to somebody who is bullying you, to coming out and boosting self-esteem. On our ‘Get Help’ page, you can browse by different categories or type in a question and our website will search for the most suitable support materials.

3.) We are about to launch an instant messenger service on our website which will enable our most vulnerable users to speak with one of our mentors instantly and privately.
This is in addition to the world-class research we produce and our campaigns. Some of you may have seen our recent ‘Insta Lie’ video which was made to show the reality behind ‘perfect’ photos posted online. It’s had circa 17 million views so far - if you haven’t seen it, definitely check it out!

• Ellie

My daughter hasn't been exactly bullied but has recently been pushed out of her 'group'. She's devastated. They are in Year 8 at secondary School and so she feels like everyone else has made their friends now and it's impossible to join another group. I keep thinking things will get better but it's been getting worse since Christmas and she was so happy to be on holiday last week because she can get away from it. I find it difficult to know how I can help. She's desperate for me not to go up to School as she's worried she'll be seen as 'snitching' and it will make it worse. I can see what she means - I can't force this group of girls to like her if they don't. I do know one of the parents but am worried that if I contact them about it it will get back to my daughter and make things worse. Can you offer any advice for how to help her? It's causing so much stress and upset.

@MooPointCowsOpinion

I think some kids just don't get that they're the bully, they're full of excuses, especially around 12/13 years old. I know some girls who I haven't seen saying anything kind to anyone for their entire school career, they just go around making everyone miserable. As a teacher, I don't know what to do about them, and there's nothing in place School wide to fight this constant sneaky nastiness day in day out.

Hi MooPointCowsOpinion

Thank you for your post. I appreciate your honesty it can be very painful for parents when teachers deny or minimize bullying behaviour. Understanding why people bully is critical to being able to make a difference in preventing and dealing with it. Have a read of this guide it highlights some key points that I think could be useful: www.ditchthelabel.org/why-do-people-bully/

The other issue is supporting the individuals on the receiving end as they are incredibly vulnerable to a whole host of damaging coping strategies such as self-harm, eating disorders and depression. We want to empower young people who are on the receiving end of the bullying to find better coping strategies and reach out for support and get rid of damaging myths such as being bullied is your fault. This all comes down to people having access to support and information that is honest, direct, not patronizing and from a source they can trust which is who we are striving to be for them. Here are some of the guides I am talking about.

www.ditchthelabel.org/top-10-tips-of-overcoming-low-self-esteem/
www.ditchthelabel.org/top-10-tips-for-overcoming-bullying/
www.ditchthelabel.org/what-to-say-someone-bullied/

Great talking with you.
Ellie

@teddygirlonce

I was bullied as a teenager and the legacy - a lack of self-confidence particularly about my appearance has stayed with me ever since.

My 11 year old is bullied for being very slim with super long legs - this is denting her self-image already. She talks about eating 'junk food' to put on weight so she's not so svelte. To her credit she has stood up to the bullies at school and reported their nastiness (and it was dealt with by the Deputy Head) but it rumbles on.

It strikes me that bullying is and always has been endemic, with girls more the 'perps' than boys (is there any research to support this or have I got a skewed view?). For all the anti-bullying work and awareness done over the years it still seems to be rife (indeed more so than when I was a tween/teen. Isn't it just part of nasty human nature? I am not excusing it but really think it's an uphill battle which will never be won. I would like to think I'm wrong but...

Also what is the psychology behind bullying? Jealousy, power, being 'top dog'? When I look and think back to the girls who bullied me (and the same is true for my DD's bullies) they were neither the clever ones, the pretty ones nor the sporty ones. In fact with the benefit of hindsight they probably really had less going for them than I did (I came from a relatively well-off background whereas they weren't).

Thank you.

Hi teddygirlonce, thank you for your post - you raise some really interesting points. From our research paper, The Annual Bullying Survey 2016 we found that twice as many boys as girls bully. (66% of males vs. 31%) How bullying takes place does definitely differ between the genders so maybe that lead to a different impression. This article explains the psychology behind bullying: www.ditchthelabel.org/why-do-people-bully/

You'll see it's not too far from the reasons you attributed to bullying behaviour. Ultimately bullying is a sign that something is not okay with the child’s wellbeing and they haven’t learned other coping skills to deal with the stress. This stress can come from a variety of places for example a bereavement in the family or a parental separation/divorce. - Sue