8 months pregnant and the father has a spiteful stance.(25 Posts)
This is more of a rant. I am currently 8 months pregnant. Father of the baby let me know pretty early on he did not want this situation and would not be supportive to me. I decided I would carry on with pregnancy with or without his support. 8 months in and it's starting to get difficult to put it bluntly. I have gone through entire pregnancy alone both emotionally and financially provided everything that my daughter will need for her first 6 months in the world. I have spent a lot of money buying all good quality things for my baby as she deserves so not complaining at all.. however the father is lingering around neither committing nor completely leaving me to handle things, ultimately leaving me in a state of uncertainty and frustration. I have not asked him for a penny financially, and also have been clear that I do not plan on claiming child support from him as I would not want money to be a source of resentment for him towards my innocent child. Money is not the most important thing. That's not what this is about. I was contacted by the father asking if there is anything I need for the baby as he was encouraged to do so by his family. I told him I had gathered everything that the baby needs, but the only things she still needs are loads of pampers nappies and a few toys and books suitable for 0+ . He said that's fine. I don't think I'm asking a lot at all. Soooo I received a delivery yesterday. 1 box of pampers nappies ( should last a week and a half max) and 1 piece of junk tricycle for a toddler. It clearly states on the box 12+ months. I took the tricycle out of the box and the handle does not even stay on and would need to be glued on for safety. Quite simply it is a badly made toy that is completely unsuited and any idiot can see this. The father is 34. Hes not a stupid man. He has a good job. This toy is a complete insult. And I'm really f**** angry. In short. I take this as a sign of his willingness to use my daughter to get at me. He really hates me for keeping this baby. Mainly because it wasnt planned and shortly after we split he had gotten back with his ex girlfriend. I am in a difficult situation to say the least. I need to protect my daughter from a man who is only going to begrudge her existence and be spiteful and difficult just to get at me. I have blocked him from contacting my phone because 8 months in I need to protect myself and build up my strength to be a great mum to my little girl. He has proven that he is not willing or able to be fair or even communicate with me without insulting me. He has also shown no interest in contributing anything positive to this situation. So at this point i feel that I need to let him alone and focus on myself and my daughter. And if he does decide at some point that he wants to be involved he will need to go the legal route because quite simply I am not going to put up with his games or stress. I may be painted out to be the bad guy for not welcoming him with open arms from the start but unfortunately I'm in between a rock and a hard place. I'm scared that exposing myself and my daughter to this man may be more damaging.
As you kept the baby despite him not wanting you to (totally your choice) I think you need to accept you will doing it on your own. Ime men who don't want the baby from the begining tend to disappear completely eventually. For now he will be in and out as he probably feels abit guilty but I don't think he will stick around.
Thanks for your reply 🙂 what about his family who want to be involved? Is it wise to see how he proceeds first before allowing them access. I'm worried it will make things more confusing/ complicated for everyone. I don't him to use my daughter to hurt me and I wouldn't put it past him.
I know it's difficult but I wouldn't rush to make any decisions just now. Although it's frustrating, I'd just wait and see what happens after the baby is here.
You're fully entitled to rant though
, you've done so well so far on your own
Oh does he's family want to be involved? That certainly makes it more difficult (my ex doesn't have any family so he pretty much has disappeared of the face of the earth) do you get on with his family?
Thank you for the advice. I want to try and wait it out and play it by ear but I feel this could be detrimental to my mental health and emotional well-being as I'll be emotional, exhausted, and being messed about. It's just not going to work for me.
I don't know the family really.. just a few conversations on the phone. The dad will then throw things in my face and try to create issues. Eg " I think you are (insert insult) and my sister agrees." I also feel they support and justify his victim mentality and selfish stance.
I'd just disengage from him totally. Don't ask him for anything and don't contact him bar the minimum necessary with respect to your child. So I would simply text him to inform him of the birth and no more. I wouldn't speak to him or see him in person.
I'm puzzled by the decision not to expect him to contribute to his child's upbringing? Even if you just put the maintenance money into a savings account for your child. He's getting away with shirking his responsibilities otherwise.
I would block him and block the family. He might be 34 but it doesn't sound like he's mature enough to be a father. You have no legal obligation to have his family in your life. I'd move (if possible) and not tell him where. If he really wants to find you to be a part of his child's life he will... but I'm betting he won't.
It's difficult because I would feel guilty if the family want involvement but sounds like it not gonna be without problems, so if he wants to contact let him take you to court (don't think that will happen.) and I would absolutely contact Cms when the baby is born.
It doesn't sound much to me like the family want to be involved, or that they should be. I would focus on the LO and stop contact
Ok. Thank you everyone. You are all reaffirming what I have been considering. Maybe I should let him take me to court and prove he wants involvement and minimise stress and confusion for my child. I may possibly apply for child support .. I'm not sure if this is fair as he did not want the baby. But then again I could put her money in a savings account and give it to her when she's 18 for a car or something. I will probably regret it one day if I do not make this move.
It sounds like he needs to get out the picture. Full stop. He is obviously not committed, and even has immature spitefullness and weird mind games. Your seem organised and very loving. You and little lovley baby do not need weird spiteful father hanging around. You could even get a police order on him to not come certain miles to your house if, should you talk to him as an adult in a mature and reasonable way, about wanting him out the picture. All best bless to you xx
I am genuinely fearful of what he might do to my daughter in order to spite me. I don't think I have a choice.
Note to self - learn to proof read before kick starting my world domination.
He should pay child support. Why should he shrug off all responsibility. I would definitely get this in place.
Thanks everyone. I've decided I will be claiming child support from the beginning, although i hear from his mother that he's been so depressed he's not been working ( he does contract). All the same, I'll take his contribution and put it in a bank account for her that she can have access to when she's 18.
Oh by the way.. just came from kiddie care and bought LO a lovely variety of (appropriate) toys. I can't wait to see her beaming little face.
It sounds full on for you at a time when your emotions are in mainly running the show.
My insights maybe clouded by a difficult ex who continues to cause upset and confusion. BOUNDARIES... is the key, be clear where yours are and why you have them in place. Thought it best to say that.
I would decide what you (think you) want for the first 6 months and write it down. Be clear and detailed about what contribution you feel you can cope with, time wise, emotionally, contact by phone and gifts, financial contribution. Then give it to his family and him. With the premise that it's a demanding (& amazing) time when you have a child you need to feel secure to take care of you and the baby. If they can respect your boundaries, you can use that as a starting place for negotiation if you all want to.
Big hug and you sound like you will be a wonderful mum. Hope it all works out.. it is an exciting time I hope you get to enjoy it x
Thank you @Nikkisquares
I have such conflicting feelings towards the situation. The compassionate side towards him as someone I cared about and his family who want to be involved. The other side is upset and I've been treated with complete apathy throughout my entire pregnancy. I'm suprisingly strong. No support emotionally, physically or financially the ENTIRE pregnancy. The father's mother has expressed disapproval at the babies middle name hat I have chosen and has said "I will help you" and get back to me with alternatives. How helpful! Just the type of help I need! Thanks so much for all the help!
Can I suggest if the CHild maintenance is £300 you put a different figure into savings from your account and use the CM for everyday things. Say £250 or £350 on your payday.
Just so if he sweeps back into her adult life she doesn’t think he is the reason she has £50k in a bank account. His contribution is towards living costs, you are Choosing to save.
This is what exactly happened to me! My son is now 2 months old. Baby’s father was awful throughout pregnancy, didn’t tell his family until I was 9 months pregnant! And still was spiteful till this day.
My baby’s father is more bothered about going out and getting drunk. He was out drinking the night my baby was born. He makes half arsed effort, sees him when it suits him for an hour? I let his family see the baby and bring him over to them once a week. But I can’t help but get so frustrated and angry at him as all I get is a load of shit from him saying I, restricting him from his son. Even though he’s bailed on him numerous occasions and only offers to see him for an hour or two. He doesn’t give me money or anything either. He seems to live the life of Riley and has no thought for his son.
I just am biting my tongue at the minute and have said if you don’t step up them you’re not seeing him.
You just need to remember you are doing the best for your baby, and no matter what shit he gives you you will always have this beautiful baby you will have a bond like no other. They are the ones missing out! And maybe one day they will regret it, but you are strong mama and are better than a pathetic low life. Xxx
Thank you all for youre replies.
I am fighting worry and anxiety with the fact that I do not know what he is planning to do in terms of visitation / involvement. He might throw a curve ball at me and take me to court for part custody so he can play happy families with his current girlfriend. One thing is for sure. This man has no intention of being civil with me or discussing anything with me.
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