This is a Premium feature
To use this feature subscribe to Mumsnet Premium - get first access to new features see fewer ads, and support Mumsnet.Start using Mumsnet Premium
Contact arrangements(22 Posts)
Me and my partner of 6 years have recently split up. We are now in the discussion of the contact arrangements between us for our three children. I offered for him to pick them up after school on Fridays and have them until Monday mornings so he would have the whole weekend with them.
He won't accept this and wants them 50/50. It's making it all complicated and he is being very pushy. He also keeps talking about who is going to get the tax credits for them. He is the one moving out.
There was two suggestions of three and a half days a week or one week four days and another week three days.
I don't know what to agree with. Kids have routine and the two youngest will both be in school soon.
I broke up with him because he became controlling and vindictive. Putting me down and making me feel worthless.
As he is moving out does he have somewhere he can go and take the children? where they have a bed overnight for example?
Will he take on board the routines of the children? After school clubs / activities?
By 50/50 what is he suggesting? 1 week with him and the next with you as to be honest the option of 3.5 days a week will certainly get confusing for you all (not to say it doesn't work for some people)
I hope you can sort this out!
He said he wants to move to his mum's until he gets a place. 50/50 like three and a half days with him and three and a half days with me or four days one week and then three days another week with him.
He will take on all the responsibilities as a dad. He is a great dad but was unfortunately not a great partner.
I am not sure what the right thing is to do for the kids though.
who has been doing the majority of the childcare so far?
how old are the children?
where is his mother's in relation to school.
I would maybe suggest to him that the children stay with you most of the time (meaning he still sees them but as you first suggested from Friday - Monday) just until he finds a place that he can accommodate them more. After a few weeks you can look at the situation again and see if the 50/50 would work depending on work / school commitments.
You children seem very young so stability is the key here for them - don't feel the need to rush into anything here or give in to what he wants (regardless of the tax credits) as you have a home for them in the short term it would make more sense for the children to stay there but of course have access to their father when arranged between you both
I brought them up while he worked since they were born but then I worked for a year last year to do an apprenticeship and he stayed at home with them and went to work in the evenings.
Our Youngest is almost 3 and I also have a four and eight year old. The oldest is not his but my ex is basically his dad since my eldest was 2 years old and I would happily let him have my eldest the same as the youngest.
I said to him i need to to consider it all but then he threatens with courts if we can't agree in mediation.
His mum's place is two busses away from my eldests school.
I think you have to think about what is in the children's best interests.
why is 50 50 better?
why is staying with you during the week better?
think about bed times. access to school, nursery, is there room at yours/his mums for them all to have a bed?
think about the advantages of your house. what would he say the advantagess of his set upa re?
what will happen when he moves?
If he is controlling and vindictive I wouls aim for more time with you to limit the damage he could do. depends what he is like with the children.
OP was your suggestion for him to have them every weekend Friday to monday or just every other? quality time needs to be shared between both parents so if you were suggesting every weekend I don't think that would be good for you.
50/50 can work but if does depend on how well you can work together as parents. obv his living situation would need to be more settled. would he be driving the eldest to school or getting two buses with him? when he gets his own place will this be closer to the school? is 4 yo at school yet if not have you applied for place? does he have parental responsibility for eldest child
regarding tax credits it's the parent who claims child benefit who can claim tax credits. the person who claims CB is the parent with the most day to day care of the child. where this is genuinely 50/50 then you could consider each claiming child benefit for one child and then deciding who claims for the third and then presuming your individual incomes are low enough you could both claim tax credits
I originally suggested he have the every weekend (Friday night to monday morning) but He wants 50/50 contact.
There is not really any room at his mum's at all and the kids will either be sharing a bed or sleeping on blow up beds which is not ideal so that's another concern of mine.
He will take his stuff and some appliences with him when he does get a place. E.g. the tumble dryer.
He wants to get it all sorted staight away so he can move out (he is impatient and pushy)
He has no parental responsiblity for my eldest but has been a good dad to him since he was two and treats him like he does his other son's.
The reason I though it was better for me to have them during the week is so I can get them to school. I know I wouldn't really of got much quality time with them from this but school is important and I'd get quality time during the holidays with them.
He said he will get a place that is no further then a bus ride away (15 mins bus ride away from the school) but the council have told him he will only get a two bedroomed house at the most. He doesn't drive. We have applied for school for our four year old.
But what I'm i suppose to do in the meantime when he hasn't got a suitable place? He stays hear until he does and we become to hate each other more as we are always getting into disputes which sometime the kids see which is unhealthy or he stays at hus mum's where the kids will be staying in a cramped situation.
I'm not sure if it's controlling but I split up with him as he was getting me down so much I became depressed. He said I looked like a prostitute when I would wear a pencil skirt and shirt to my administration job. When he began looking after the kids more, when I went to do my apprenticeship, he began to make out a was a rubbish parent and he does a better job and once in a blue moon he would tell the kids I was a bad mum. He has recorded our arguments sometimes behind my back and told me he did it to show me how stupid I sounded. He then sent one if the recordings to his brother even when he oromised he hed deleted it. Then after a big bust up not long ago, i found out his mum had recorded us arguing on the ither end of the phone which he probally set up. He would say it's my own fault my eldests dad beat me up. I began to resent him and I wasn't perfect either.. in the end we became verbally abusive towards each other. I began to struggle to get out of bed in the mornings as I knew I'd be waking up to him starting on me as soon as he saw me.
I can't do it anymore. It is not healthy for either of us or the children. I use to think it was best for the parents to stick together and I put up with it for a while but then realised this is no way to live for any of us and he agreed to move out though he said I was making a mistake doing it. I don't feel like I'm in love with him anymore and we can't give each other what we need.
He puts his kids first even when was was together and is very protective of them. He wlrries about the slightest things and lets things bother him more then the average person. It was that bad that he stopped showing me any affection and i took a back seat. I tried talking to him but with no success. He is an amazing dad but not a good partner.
Below in the pictures show the are suggested contact arrangements. The first picture is what he wants with his day being the blue and my days being the green. He has done his so he can work around his work times.
The second picture is what I suggested to him with his days being the blue and my days being the pink. I've done mine so then the kids have a whole quality weekend with each of us plus it's more of stabily with us having them the same time during the week especially ready for when they are all in school.
The lines represent pick up times after school/drop offs.
I made my suggestion and compromised from what I originally suggested of Friday night to Monday morning contact because he wants 50/50 contact (shared care) but it's his way or no way. He said if I don't agree he will take me to court and get a good lawer and apply for full custody. He then called me a scammer as I'll be getting money from the government from not working. I will be going back to work when they are all in school?
P.s. Another contact arrangement idea I've created. The 3-2-3 contact. Again I know he will disagree with this as he wants 50/50 contact but I can only try and make a plan that with suit the kids the best. I want it so we are more or less picking up the kids from school on the same days par friday nights as that will be the alternate weekends unless he decide he would rather pick them up on the saturday morning instead. It is going to be hard enough as it is for them without needing to add more confusion.
He wants to keep his full days of Sunday and Monday hours at work.
I really am trying to compromise with him hear but he wants it his own way or nothing 😢 it feels like he is doing it as what will suit him best and not the kids. He says I am trying to ruin his life. I have given it my full consideration and taken my time to think about what best for the kids first. He wanted me to agree to his contact straight away and keeps on my back about it 24/7. I feel very intimidated and its giving me anxiety.
I think you need an interim arrangement until he has a suitable place for them. So eg every other weekend now, with a view to going more towards 50/50 once he has his own place. The exact format of 50/50 will then depend on practicalities of where he lives etc. Don't be bullied by the court threat - I suspect any court would support an interim arrangement to ensure stability whilst he gets suitable housing sorted.
Btw there is no such thing as full custody, he's talking bollocks trying to frighten you. The most he would ever get is 50/50 with your history. Can you suggest mediation (which has to be tried before court anyway, he will discover). Would help protect you from the relentless bullying ...
Yes it is going to have to go to mediation. He said he wants to claim for one of the children so he can get working tax credit as he works less then 30 hours a week.
I said I would give him money for food for when they are there but he won't do the either. I said to him about one week he have them Wednesday after school till Friday morning one week and Wednesday after school till Sunday morning another week but he says he would want to drop them of on both Saturday mornings while I'd like to wake up with them on my Saturday and it would be less hassle for them too traveling back and forth and it would be easier for us all for me to pick them up from their school on my weekend.
I'd like that too for the kids until he gets a place but he will never agree to it and would rather live in our house where there us tension and disputes all the time until he gets a place. I'm trying my best to egnore him when he starts being nasty but it really gets me down.
agree mediation is the way forward. sounds like he is being unreasonable and inflexible. you both need to have clear weekends with the children so dropping off on a Saturday every week isn't ideal. it can take children a while to settle back in when they go from one parent to another and I think your idea of collecting them from school on Friday would be better for them as it's often the handover that young children find the hardest.
I think if hes going to have the children half the time or nearly half the time then letting him claim CB and tax credits for one child and you for the other two is probably reasonable. good luck it sounds like you are trying your best to compromise. a mediator might make him see he needs to do the same
Thank you GreenGoblin. That's what I think too but I am never good at explaining myself. The mediator is booked now.
I just want him to move out as soon as possible. Expecially now he is already meeting up with another girl already and I can't be doing with it.
Remember 50/50 contact means he doesn't pay child support. Could this be why he wants it?
Get legal advice now. Please stop offering him concessions. This may be why he is threatening this. x
Just a quick thought... If you do end up agreeing to let him claim tax credits for one child, make sure it's not the youngest. Otherwise you may find yourself struggling more than you need to in the future.
REading this it sounds all about money 50/50 so he doesn't pay maintenance . New girlfriend now is good.( although aware it won't feel like it) It will show how he is going to treat the children once a woman is involved.
I think you need to look at an arrangement for while at mums first..
Remember 50/50 contact means he doesn't pay child support. Could this be why he wants it?
Remember 50/50 contact means you won't receive child support. Could this be why you don't want it?
50/50 works because both parents make it work.
Going to court and you will both end of with an order neither of you want.
Mediation is the way to go. He may have to realise a dose of reality.
Unfortunately he says he can't live at his mums now or it will effect his elegibillity to get a discount where he uses the right to buy scheme when he buys his new place and apparently he won't get a place quicker if he goes to his mum's. I told him he won't have to tell them he is stopping there but he says he is not living there while paying the rent on this place.
I have now let him claim tax credits for our eldest child. To be honest I don't know if he is thinking about child maitanece payments as he is not he brightest spark.
He said he wants to claim for one of our children, so he can get working tax which he said will enable to him to provide for them when they are staying at his.
We almost agree on the same contact apart from he wants to drop them off on the Saturday morning it is meant to be my satirday but on the other hand I want to pick them up from school on my weekend on that Friday so I can settle them back at home.
He then says well if that the case then he picked them up my weekend on the Tuesday and his weekend on the Wednesday but I want it to be more of a routine of being picked my every Wednesday by him. He won't give no leeway at all. For him it's straight down the middle or court.
OP you are being really fair and it must be difficult given that he is being so stubborn. you are clearly thinking of what's best for the children. mediation really might make him see sense on this. would be a shame to go to court when you are so close to agreeing and they will make you do mediation before court anyway
regarding his housing situation he is really being unrealistic if he thinks he can stay with you until he buys somewhere. that could take months!
Please login first.