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men coming back into child's life and dictating contact!!

(25 Posts)
no73 Tue 29-Dec-15 17:30:31

AAAAAARRRGGGHHHH!!!!!!!! Need a rant so I don't go to work angry!

Why oh why do they think that after years of no contact they can come back and dictate how contact is going to be and state what is best for their child they have chosen to ignore for over 3 years!!!!

I'm fuming, only had 3 hours sleep post nights and working tonight and woke up to some crappy solicitors letter dictating contact arrangements after over 3 years of no contact.

Plus the lies in the letter stating the reasons why he stopped contact. You stopped contact because you are bloody arsehole and wanted to have an easy life with OW (now wife). Not because I called you an arsehole over text/email (so abusive according to him hence why he had to stop contact!) when you yet again failed to turn up for our son and broke the contact order that you wanted repeatedly.

I've had 3 easy years of not dealing with the prick and now it has to start all over again. Funnily enough I'm not going to agree that my 6 year is taken out by a stranger and then introduced to your wife after only 6 hours of contact!!! Grrr!!!!

Selfish, selfish man. You only want contact because all your siblings have now got kids and you are missing out on playing happy families in front of them. You just want to go 'oh look at me I'm a fabulous Dad' in front of them for those 6 hours a month you want to see your son for!!!

and breath..........

UmbongoUnchained Tue 29-Dec-15 17:36:17

This sort of thing terrifies me. My ex hasn't seen our daughter for almost a year now and doesn't seem to be interested although he tells everyone that I'm not letting him see her which is rubbish. He's exactly the kind of person to rock up in a few years and start dictating things as that's the reason he stopped seeing her in the first place, because I wouldn't allow myself to be bullied by him anymore and told him that it's my way or he can fuck off.

mamas12 Tue 29-Dec-15 17:39:32

The solicitors letter is not an order you don't have to do anything he says.
Let your anger run its course and then present a real alternative suggestion to him

MumOnTheRunCatchingUp Tue 29-Dec-15 17:40:49

So he broke original contact order?

Why did he need to seek a contact order in the first place?

Fourormore Tue 29-Dec-15 17:52:35

He can dictate all he likes. I suggest you write back proposing mediation as a starting point.

no73 Tue 29-Dec-15 17:58:55

Because he wasn't turning up and telling people I was stopping him and he also wanted me to drive DS to him and I refused to do it as a) I couldn't afford to and b) I was't the one that moved away.

Luckily I had kept every text of him turning down contact and stating he wasn't going to be seeing him at prearranged times. I also offered more contact than he wanted.

He wanted to make out to other people it was me hence the court order. The judge was not very happy with him and told him to buck his ideas up.

I've already replied stating:

1) letters initially for first few times months

2) contact in my house without me in it so that my son feels safe and can show him his toys etc or he can choose a contact centre for the first few times (3 months). That he needs to build a relationship with his son before he introduces anyone else into it.

3)next 6 months he can take him out for 4-6 hours depending on what my son wants (he only wants 2-3 hours but if you are taking a kid somewhere then 2 hours isn't that long here the 4-6 hours). He only wants to see him once a month so it will take time to build a good relationship.

4) telephone and Skype only after contact has been resumed as DS doesn't know who is and forcing a child to talk on the phone to a stranger at 6 years old is not fair.

5) if he turns when he states and doesn't let him during the previous months then he is free to see him when he wants and with whom as long as it is at least once a month.

6) he is not to text/email me about pre arranged contact unless its to say he is not coming. I had lots of problems with him continually texting me emailing about contact that had already been arranged and if I ignored texts/emails, despite em telling him I did not want him to contact me as there was no need, he then used it as an excuse to not see DS.

This is a man that told his DS on his 3rd birthday he was never going to see him again and all because I text him to say 'the least you could have done was get your sons birthday card to him on time' apparently that was so abusive he needed to stop contact and also told his family to stop contact so they could support him in his decision. His real dad refused and carried on seeing DS so ex now has no contact with them or his half sister.

no73 Tue 29-Dec-15 18:03:05

Oh and he didn't break the contact order just the once but on about 10 occasions. There was many weekends written into the contact order that he failed to turn up for.

He has stopped contact three times and agreed to restart with less and less contact time so he would hopefully still see DS. This time its been over three years. The couple of times previously were from 3-6 months.

The court order stated every other weekend from Saturday to Sunday and 1 week in summer. He refused all over offers of contact. He couldn't manange so stopped contact and then asked to resume and I agreed to one weekend a month in the hope he would actually make that as he said he couldn't manage 2 weekends a month. Its now down to him requesting 6 hours a month.

no73 Tue 29-Dec-15 18:06:14

forgive the typos

megletthesecond Tue 29-Dec-15 18:20:42

This terrifies me too. I had an appointment with a family solicitor after 5yrs and at that point she said that if XP appeared initial contact would happen in a contact centre. 7yrs on I've still got texts and emails just in case.

Why do some parents have to dick around with seeing their kids? Hope you get it sorted or he buggers off again.

amarmai Tue 29-Dec-15 18:22:54

he sounds like a control freak and into extremely harsh punishments if he is not obeyed. I wd change the wording of #5 - take out 'when he wants ' and with whom' as that gives away the store. Better to get an official /legal order re contact as you then have recourse to action if he breaks it.

Homely1 Tue 29-Dec-15 22:50:08

I feel your anger. I'm in the same situation. Is he wanting if have you suggested overnight contact?

no73 Wed 30-Dec-15 08:54:04

Thanks for replies. I know its is awful not least because I despise the man and it has been great not having to deal with him.

He is one of those manipulative people that con you into thinking he is really caring when in fact he is just out to get what he wants.

I have already sent the email to solicitors as didn't want to be worrying about while at work. I worded number 5 that way armrmai because he will never agree to my proposals and will take it took and I don't want to appear the unreasonable one. However, I am now regretting that as it will give him too much lea way with contact. We already have a formal contact order and he kept breaking it. It means nothing and he will still keep on getting contact no matter how many times he breaks it, it appears that men can treat their children how they like despite it being bad for their mental well being.

Homely1 no not asking for overnight contact just once a month for the day which will no doubt be about 6 hours. Overnights will interfere with his social life! There is no way he will get here for early morning and DS will need to be back home by 17:00 at the latest so he can get ready for school etc.

The mans a prick and it still really pisses me off that he tells such lies and paints me out to be the bad person when he was the one that had an affair and fucked off then repeatedly failed to turn up for DS.

starry0ne Wed 30-Dec-15 13:01:45

I have a few concerns about your reply...Firstly I would not allow him in your house without you there..I would consider either contact centre or drop and collect from Soft play...

I also think you are doing too long term planning..At 6 how your Ds copes with it all could be very variable..

I also would not be rushing a response...He can worry about it all

no73 Wed 30-Dec-15 16:53:11

I sent another email to solicitor amending point 5 and taking out the part about him seeing him when he wants. Thank you amarmai for pointing that out.

He would not be alone in the house as I have a lodger and also friends that have offered to be here so I did not have to be. I don't feel a soft play is a place where you can get to know a child, they are noisy and it would just be 2 hours of my DS running about.

I have been told restarting contact by letters initially then leading to contact over the space of a year is appropriate after such a long time of no contact and due to the fact DS has no idea who he is as he last saw him aged nearly 3. You have to remember it is only once a month so not even every other week, I fully expect their will be times when twatty ex will be going 6-7 weeks without seeing him. So over that time frame it will be at most 9 times he will have seen his son for that to me really isn't a lot. I think it would progress quicker if it was every other weekend but ex refused that.

I have had to plan it long term like that as in is solicitors letter it was planned very similar apart form the letters and him wanting to bring his wife along very soon into re establishing contact. I felt that he needed to build a decent relationship with him first.

I would have loved to make him wait starryone but the solicitors letter demanded a reply within 14 days and it was sent before Christmas plus I don't want to be seen as obstructive.

Fourormore Wed 30-Dec-15 17:20:56

Who has given you that advice? Letters for months certainly isn't something I've ever come across and I can't imagine it would be much help to a young child.

no73 Wed 30-Dec-15 18:23:42

Child support worker that has helped me deal with DS behaviour and also previous solicitor when I asked what to do when he stops contact again and then restarts like he has now.

My son has no recollection of ever having this man in his life so to suddenly expect him to go our with him for a few hours to me is unreasonable.

Plus its only months because ex doesn't want to see him anymore than that so the letters are in lines with how much contact he wants i.e. once a month for a few hours.

I find it bizarre that you think letters would not help why do you think that?

no73 Wed 30-Dec-15 18:24:37

I really am puzzled why you think that receiving three letters before seeing someone is not acceptable?

Fourormore Wed 30-Dec-15 20:23:37

I didn't say it wasn't acceptable. I just can't imagine a letter being much use in terms of a young child getting to know their father. I mean, even as an adult I can't imagine a letter would much help me properly get to know someone or feel safe around them.
It's just my opinion, but I'd start off with a contact centre, and probably a supported rather than supervised one.

starry0ne Wed 30-Dec-15 21:52:48

What behaviour problems does your DS have?

My Ds hasn't seen his Dad since 3... He is now 8... He only has one vague memory but does struggle with his Dad doesn't want to see him...

I would too be bloody furious if after abandoning my child for 3 years.. he decided he could walk back in..

I have thought about this a bit today and I think I would want mediation...Because I know how damaging it can be just been let down and if he is going to continue to do that again I would do everything in my power to block him..

We do have questions from my Ds.. up until a few months ago he would say he would like to see him..Now he said he would like an hour with him to answer his questions ( although I realise he would never get the answers he wanted.)

Obviously you know your child best ..I wish him luck

no73 Sun 03-Jan-16 21:33:54

DS can be very very aggressive towards me which thankfully is now easing off however, any kind of emotional issues/upsets and he will lash out.

I've actually spoke to DS today about this as he mentioned to his cousins that he doesn't see his dad etc and we had a chat about how that might change. He was very upset about the though of having to see him without me there but I explained why I couldn't be. Although not happy about me not being there he has agreed to see him in the house without me as long as someone is there i.e. one of my friends or his godparents and only after he has been sent a few letters.

When I mentioned that after a few visits in the house he could go out with his dad he became worried and I had to reassure him that it will be taken at his speed and if he felt like it was too soon to go out without anyone else present then he wouldn't have to.

He's an outgoing, loud and lively boy but he worries about meeting new people and doing new things so it is a big thing for him and I can see he is already nervous about it.

starry0ne Mon 04-Jan-16 13:00:57

I would be furious too... If I had been dealing with all those problems and now settling ... now he is going to upset the apple cart again...

no73 Wed 10-Feb-16 18:13:57

So after receiving some letters DS now feels more comfortable with meeting his dad and wants to see his dad in the house and then go out to dinner.

I emailed ex to tell him this and said what he wanted but if he was to take DS out I would need his full contact details as I would never DS go anywhere with someone without knowing their address and phone number.

Ex has refused. I am not sure what he thinks I'm going to do by having his address as have no intention on turning up there but I;m not happy for DS to go anywhere without me knowing where he could possibly end up.

I'm getting so fed up with this already and he has't even seen him yet and the agro over it has been back to the usual shite I had to put up with.

AIBU to want contact details before he takes him out the house??

starry0ne Wed 10-Feb-16 20:51:44

I have no idea what the law is on this.. but without even a mobile number I would say no..

I think the where he is , is more difficult.. First time in 3 years I would want to know however he has a right not to tell you his every move...

He does remind me of ex who even lied about his address on court papers.

no73 Thu 11-Feb-16 11:34:16

Its not about him telling me where he is going but more if anything went wrong or he didn't bring him back I wouldn't know where he lived. I'm not interested in knowing where he takes DS as DS will chat about it anyway and as long as DS is happy I don't care I just want contact details for ex especially after more than 3 years.

I would not let DS go with anyone who would not give me their address let alone someone so opposed to giving it. The same as if I was looking after someone else child I would automatically give them my address and phone number. Why would you not just give it?

He's been difficult about everything when really he should be doing everything possible to resume contact. I feel that it will end up back in court which is ridiculous really and something I'd like to avoid as we should be able to sort this out.

lunar1 Wed 17-Feb-16 06:48:09

You have sole responsibility for your ds. It would be completely irresponsible of you to send him somewhere, with a stranger who you have no contact details for. He's a stranger to you and your ds, I'm guessing he has your address, how can he see it as different!

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