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Who is the nonresident parent in a shared parenting set-up?

(15 Posts)
coparenter Fri 03-Apr-15 22:33:27

Apologies if I'm on the wrong thread. I am a single parent but my ex and I have shared care.

I have read a lot of threads on shared parenting and most of them are negative about it ( that's a different question) but a lot talk about the NRP. Surely if you have shared care, there isn't a NRP. I mean we do a 4/3 night-time arrangement and then switch to 3/4. I was the primary carer and still do most of the drop offs/pick-up/ after school care. In holidays it's more even.

I moved out of family home but children see both homes as their home. In this case I don't see there is a non resident parent.

Also probably semantics but should I be calling myself a single-parent when in comparison to others my ex does his share of the parenting- more now than before. Is a lone parent someone who has no support from their ex-partner or no ex-partner.

I don't know if any of this matters- just curious about the terminology,

OP’s posts: |
Starlightbright1 Fri 03-Apr-15 22:40:26

Do you know it is different for everyone. Don't get hung up on labels. You will find people whose partners work long hours think they are like a single parent.

Do what is working for you

coparenter Fri 03-Apr-15 22:50:55

I know. I shouldn't get hung up on labels. Just don't like the term non-resident parent I suppose.
Maybe I'm sensitive to it as I'm the one who had to move out.

OP’s posts: |
SunbathingCat Fri 03-Apr-15 22:52:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

coparenter Fri 03-Apr-15 23:05:55

Ok. I get the benefits, in lieu of the fact I work the least hours to be able to provide the term-time flexibility. And there is no maintenance so ex is happy for me to keep benefits.

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CardiffUniversityNetballTeam Fri 03-Apr-15 23:11:08

Hey coparenter.
I'm in a very similar situation to you. I have DS 4 nights almost every week, except occasionally when ex has him for an extra night on an ad hoc basis.
I managed to stay in the family home although I had to pay the ex off to get him to leave. hmm
I guess I agree with previous posters, that we shouldn't try to put labels on ourselves. It's a tough situation to be in a lot of the time. I've been doing it about six months. How long since you split? How are you finding the shared residency arrangements?

coparenter Fri 03-Apr-15 23:25:16

Split in july- lived in the same house until Dec (hell).

Moved out just before Christmas. It's going ok. I am finding the holidays stressful. He is often having them in morning and I'm having them in the afternoon (I work mornings). They were coming back wild and manic and sometimes very whiny. I find it difficult when I tell him they are tired and could they have a quiet day, he then ignores me takes them out and I have a terrible afternoon with them. In term time, I have a routine that works well and there are not so many transitions.

I find the handovers difficult as ex often says he's had a lovely time and they save a lot of the upsets for me- in turn if I mention it to ex- he blames my home environment-

Basically this was the prob in our relationship- different styles of parenting-and me finding things really hard whilst he seemed oblivious to any issues and seems to find parenting a breeze- blaming any difficulties I had on my parenting.

Children a bit clingy this week and not sleeping well ( I automatically think must be seeing more of ex- I shouldn't but I can't help it)

How is yours going?

OP’s posts: |
coparenter Fri 03-Apr-15 23:26:40

( I automatically think must be seeing more of ex- I shouldn't but I can't help it)

Should read I automatically attribute this to them seeing more of ex

OP’s posts: |
CardiffUniversityNetballTeam Fri 03-Apr-15 23:37:01

Very similar. Split in Sept and he moved out end of Nov. Those couple of months were absolute hell!!
I try to be grateful for the fact that ex wants to be involved and isn't an absent father. But sometimes it just seems like he hasn't got a clue. Bed times and meal times when DS is with him are dreadful. I don't think DS gets to bed much before 9pm if not later most of the time when he's with his dad, which isn't really a problem in school holidays but during term time is a disaster. He's only seven and when he comes back to me he's just exhausted.
Ex was EA when we were together and I am still finding it difficult to challenge him on his parenting. Fortunately ex-mil is a great help as a go-between for me.
I just keep reminding myself that even when things are tough, it's still so much better than when we were together.

BertieBotts Fri 03-Apr-15 23:45:27

NRP applies when there isn't 50/50 care I think. And remember people tend to post when they are having problems, and will be more likely to post on a parenting site as the RP than an NRP, so it will seem as though there is a negative bias towards NRPs but this isn't necessarily the case in reality. I'd say you are still a lone/single parent but if you wanted to clarify you could say you are a lone parent with shared care.

In my experience it's very common for DC to be unsettled and behaviour to be affected when they come back from the other parent's house. I haven't had experience of shared care, though, it must be harder when you have them for a shorter period. How old are they? I'm not sure what's usual in these situations but would it be better to do a straight one week on/one week off kind of thing or would that be more difficult in terms of working?

Remember it is still early days really. A big life change can take 6 months or more to settle down behaviour wise for DC. Is the rules/atmosphere very different at the two houses? Are you able to be civil to each other or is there any tension there still?

I know that there are other MNers who do shared care so hopefully they'll be able to answer more easily but my gut feeling is that it works most smoothly when the parents are able to be reasonable (big onus on him here really - him blaming you for behaviour issues doesn't really sound so good to me). You've got to be prepared to adjust things if it's not really working out.

BlackeyedSusan Sat 04-Apr-15 00:20:03

children need consistency so that needs to be worked into your particular schedule...whatever that is. I am not so sure the one consistent and one all over the place parent is particularly good for the children, but getting that through to the inconsistent one is another matter.. <eyeroll>

there probably has not been a label invented yet as the shared 50/50 ish is relatively new in the scheme of things.

there probably has not been enough studies on the outcomes for shared care compared to eow compared to never seeing a nrp to irregular contact. itwould be interesting to see what the results would be, though just because there is a trend would not mean it does not suit individual children.

blaming behaviour on the other parent is fecking annoying. school do that... if the child has issues in school it is because of parenting, and we are supposed to send them in school ready, but if the child has issues at home after school, then it is still the parents fault, and absolutely nothing to do wth school causing sensory overload and masking. (can you tell I have a child with asd?)

HJGranger Sat 04-Apr-15 00:29:55

I've been doing 50/50 care with my ex for the last 10 years (although he's recently changed jobs so it will be 70/30 now)

I'm just about to go to sleep but wanted to mark my place to come back to tomorrow.

coparenter Sat 04-Apr-15 09:01:47

Thanks for all the responses.

I'm afraid one week on one week off wouldn't work and I wouldn't like it anyway. This is way at least during term time I see them every day. my children get very clingy when I don't see them for a day so think it's better if my contact is virtually the same as pre-split with the exception of less time with them at weekends.

The rules are different in both houses but at least he is trying to stick to bedtimes. I am more consistent with meatimes etc. I just don't like it when I tell him they are tired and he says " that's bollocks I'm afraid you are always saying they are tired".

Well I have a DD who is exceptionally sensitive ad I'm afraid she does suffer from sensory overload and need more sleep than most.

The fact that he refuses to believe there are any issues at all beyond my own imaginings is frustrating indeed.

I am hoping things will improve. We try not to discuss our differences in front of the children . I do have to let go of some of the control I feel I want/need .

It's just difficult to go from doing everything for children whilst we were together and now having to accept, he's doing some of it now but perhaps differently to how I would like. But I accept I can't have it both ways

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STIDW Sat 04-Apr-15 19:18:15

Strictly speaking "non resident parent" is a term used in child support legislation and it only applies to child maintenance. Under the Child Maintenance Service rules which applies to all new child maintenance cases neither parent is the non resident parent when care is shared exactly 50:50.

Also the law changed to do away with residence and contact orders in private cases so no one is a resident parent.

There is nothing wrong with shared parenting 50:50 per se but, although some routines have to change when parents separate, children need many of their routines to remain the same to feel secure. Therefore it's important to mediate arrangements and any changes taking the children's need into account rather than starting of from fixed positions. Children's needs tend to vary as they reach different developmental stages and they require some flexibility.

TrueColour5 Sun 05-Apr-15 10:44:36

We have dss 50% of the week, he loves it, a much happier little boy. For dss shared care is what he was wanting. I can see him at some point in the future being with us a lot more.

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