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My daughters father wants access after 8 years of no contact

(26 Posts)
Cumber Tue 09-May-17 12:33:53

Hi I'm wondering if anyone has any advise about this. I have an 8 year old daughter and after 8 years of her father wants access after 8 years of nothing. I told him when I was pregnant as I thought he had a right to no even though we had never been in a relationship it was just a one off thing that happend. He said he wasn't intrested and that I should get on with it. Anyway I to cut a long story short I landed up back with my ex partner and even though he new my daughter wasn't his he wanted to take her on as his own and be her father so when she was born I contacted her real dad and told him what I was going to do he said yes let ur partner bring her up as his own put him on birth certificate because I don't want any part of it. So that's what we did we desided that it was best for my daughter that we would explain this all to her when she is older. However since then every time he splits up with his wife he contact us and says he wants access then goes back with her and stops contacting us. Yesterday I got an email from him saying he's seen a solicitor and they are going to find out were we live through social services and get a court order I'm beside my self with worry can anyone give me advice on what to do ??

Orangebird69 Tue 09-May-17 12:38:45

Wait and see if he does actually go through with it. As he currently has no PR, he would have to obtain the court order first. Social services have no proof he's either the father or indeed any link to your dd so I can't see how legally they'd be able go give info about you. IANAL though so I may be wrong..

ShiningArmour Tue 09-May-17 12:43:54

This has nothing to do with SS. Wait and see what happens, hopefully someone in the know will be along soon flowers

Marmalade85 Tue 09-May-17 12:51:56

There's no proof that he is the father and he hasn't got parental responsibility OP since he isn't on the birth certificate. He would have to take you to court for access which can be a long process. Do you think he would bother?

ImperialBlether Tue 09-May-17 12:53:25

I would be going for supervised access visits anyway - who the hell does he think he is, coming back after not being bothered all of her life?!

Marmalade85 Tue 09-May-17 12:53:34

Also his email to you doesn't make sense and it doesn't sound like he has seen a solicitor. Social services would not be involved in this.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks Tue 09-May-17 12:55:48

He would have to put a case forward to a court before a judge would order dna testing.
He won't get anywhere without one so delete and ignore.

Cumber Tue 09-May-17 13:00:15

I'm not totally sure weather he would go through with it or not. But at this time I'm thinking he will as he said to me yesterday that if it cost him 20 grand he's going to do it. I'm just so worried about what to do

Justmadeperfectflapjacks Tue 09-May-17 13:05:43

He would have to show he has tried to contact you over the years to try and see his child - and paid cms.
Have you evidence of past messages where he gave up his rights so to speak?
Did you know it was against the law to name someone who isn't actually the biological father on a birth certificate?
If he had so much money he would have supported his child over the years wouldn't you think? He is full of shit trying to scare you. . Block all contact and when he makes up with his wife I doubt you will hear from him.

Orangebird69 Tue 09-May-17 13:08:27

There's nothing you can do right now so try not to worry. But there's an awful lot of things he would have to do before he could get anywhere near your daughter. He's not on the birth certificate and he has no PR. Let him spend his '£20k'.... and don't respond to anything else he sends you. If he has seen a solicitor (highly doubt he has), deal with them only as and when they contact you.

RebootYourEngine Tue 09-May-17 13:15:15

It is against the law to knowingly put another persons name on the birth certificate.

I would just wait and see what he does. However your daughter may have a right to know the truth.

HopelesslydevotedtoGu Tue 09-May-17 13:16:13

Does your daughter know that her dad isn't her biological dad yet? Assuming you are going to tell her, she may be interested to meet him, although possibly her expectations will be different to his.

At the moment he would need to obtain a DNA test (court ordered if you don't agree) and then request access, the request would be decided in what is your daughter's best interests (not his or yours).

Just do think what her reaction will be if she one day finds out that he wanted to see her and you blocked it. He might contact her through social media when she is a teenager for example. I'm not saying rush him in with open arms as obviously you want to check that he isn't going to be inconsistent and disappear from her life when he meets someone new. But if he does want to have a relationship with her and is willing to fight for it then perhaps you should cautiously welcome this?

prh47bridge Tue 09-May-17 13:27:19

and paid cms

Rubbish. Contact and maintenance are separate issues.

At the moment your ex does not have PR. However, as the father he does not need PR to apply for contact. If you deny that he is the father he may be able to get the courts to order a DNA test to prove that he is the father of your daughter.

As others have said he may not follow through. If he does you should consider mediation. If you and he cannot agree the courts would have to decide what is in your daughter's best interests. It is usually regarded as best for children to have contact with both their parents but every case is treated individually. Given the history of this case any contact he does get is likely to be fairly limited initially.

Cumber Tue 09-May-17 13:36:59

So should I contact a solicitor or just wait to here something. Does anyone no if they can actually find out my address through social services ?

LauraMipsum Tue 09-May-17 13:43:25

Social services are not going to give your address out willy-nilly to a man who pops up and says he is your child's father but hasn't seen her in eight years. No way.

In the very, very unlikely event that he has actually seen a solicitor, he would need to make an application for contact, first he needs to establish that your child is his, then he may be able to get indirect contact and work up from there.

What you need to do - nothing at all. Block his email address. IF he then applies for contact then obviously co-operate with the proceedings, but I can't see the court being particularly sympathetic to a man who repeatedly contacts then vanishes. If the first time he'd done this, you'd broken the news to your daughter that she had a biological dad who is not her psychological dad, and he wants to see her, then he'd vanished again, that could have been quite damaging.

prh47bridge Tue 09-May-17 13:43:54

I would wait and see what happens at this stage.

Social Services won't give out your address. That doesn't mean he can't trace you but he will have to use some other approach.

NanooCov Tue 09-May-17 13:43:55

At the very least I would contact a solicitor for advice as you and your partner have actually committed an offence by supplying false information on your daughter's birth certificate as you knowingly said your partner was the natural father when he is not.

TheMerryWidow1 Tue 09-May-17 13:45:17

call his bluff, tell him to give your email address to your solicitors so they can contact you direct to arrange supervised visitation, bet he does nothing.

HappyFlappy Tue 09-May-17 13:55:07

What Merry says - but add that your solicitor will want statements of his earnings so that you can apply for child support, and are also looking into getting it backdated..

It's such shame that rather than putting your DH on the birth certificate, he didn't just apply to adopt her legally while your ex was in one of his "do what you I like I couldn't give a toss" phases. Obviously it would have been drawn-out and possibly difficult, but if you had succeeded it would have saved all of this distress. However, hindsight is always 20:20, and I would probably have done the same in your position.

I do hope you get this awful man to stay out of your lives - it must be so worrying for all of you.

Cumber Tue 09-May-17 14:03:42

Thanks all for ur advice I have read and to it all in. I'm still in 2 minds what to do for the best. Especially co cidering my daughter also suffers from ADHD it's hard to deside what's right or wrong for her. We also have 5 other grown up children between us and they are also worring about this situation for my daughters sake it's a nightmare

Cumber Tue 09-May-17 14:25:34

Ok I have an update on this. I just emailed him and said for him to have his solicitors contact me via my email. He said they can't do that they have to go through your solicitor. So I think I am safe in saying he's bluffing am I not ?

megletthesecond Tue 09-May-17 14:33:49

I had a word about this after five years of zero contact (it's now eight). The solicitor I spoke to said my xp would have to go via the courts and a contact centre to regain contact with the dc's. They don't tend to hand children over to strangers.

It's scary but hopefully he's just all talk flowers

HappyAsASandboy Tue 09-May-17 14:54:25

He's certainly talking rubbish about his solicitor needing to talk to your solicitor rather than you! You're not obliged to have a solicitor - why would you have one at this stage? You're not involved in any legal proceedings and could decide to represent yourself anyway hmm

I think you can be seen to be cooperating by suggesting he/his solicitor contact you by email. Take it from there if they do contact you.

TheMerryWidow1 Tue 09-May-17 14:59:44

that's what I thought he'd say, pretty sure he's bluffing, he's an idiot, a solicitor will just do what you are doing but charge you for it!!

user1466690252 Tue 09-May-17 15:06:21

this is my worse nightmare, so placemarking and sending you positivity. DS1 has had no contact with biodad ever. he didn't want to know. I went on to meet DH, married, have more children. we are happy and dh and ds1 have an amazing relationship. he knows in an age appropriate way dh isn't his bio dad but is in everyway that matters. this scenario of ex popping up out of the woodwork and throwing a bomb in our life and the stability I made for DS makes me feel sick. good luck OP. I hope he fucks off and doesn't mess with an 8yr olds emotions

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