Since 2009, I’ve worked as a counsellor, supporting parents who have experienced traumatic pregnancies and births. I have listened to bereaved parents talk about their anguish and shame, as they describe the chaos, paralysis and isolation that can come with losing a child.
Even for experienced professionals, it can be difficult to know what to say to bereaved parents. How do we support people who are feeling extreme emotions? Here are a few pointers:
- Ask the baby’s name and use it when talking about him/her. Make a note of the name and remember to use it in the future.
- Refer to the couple as parents. They may have experienced the birth of their baby and they have probably held them.
- Think of the things you might ask a couple following the birth of a living child and then adapt this to respect the loss of the baby. If you show you’re interested, the parents may want to tell you about their baby.
- Show you are interested in how they are feeling but don’t try to fix or rationalise what’s happened.
- Avoid making comments that try to be optimistic. “You can try again” and “At least you know you can carry a pregnancy” are no-nos at this point.
- Some couples appreciate offers of practical help. However, don’t be offended if they don’t want to see anyone or speak to anyone or find social situations difficult.
- It’s usually difficult for bereaved parents to be around pregnant women or other people’s babies. Respect this, be sensitive and avoid putting them in situations that may be upsetting.
- Don’t forget dads. Often the attention is all on the mums, but dads are grieving too, often in a different way that can be hard to pick up on.
- Ask if there is a charity they’d like you to donate to in their baby’s memory.
- Try to remember significant dates, e.g. the date the baby was due if the baby was miscarried or premature, or the anniversary of the baby’s birth. These days will be painful reminders for bereaved parents for many years to come.
These are all simple things that can make a big difference to someone whose life has been shattered by the loss of a baby.
Helping a bereaved couple reconnect with their lives and their relationships is an essential step towards recovery. Here are three key messages that may guide you:
Empathy not sympathy. Sympathy can feel patronising. As one bereaved mum said to me: “I dread the ‘poor you’ look as I walk in the room.” Genuine empathy can feel painful for us, as it forces us to connect with our own fears about loss and imagine how we might feel if we too suffered in this way. Try saying: “I am trying to imagine how you must be feeling and it feels really tough, really painful. I‘m so sorry you have to go through this.” This is an empathetic response, and shows you care and are interested in how they feel.
Understanding without fixing. When we hear someone we care about struggling with their emotions, it’s natural to want to make them feel better. But we cannot fix grief. Grief is a state of loss and all we can do is bear it, learn how best to cope with it and find our own way through it. A bereaved parent needs understanding, and we can do that by saying: “I wish I could make this better for you, but I can’t. What I can do is listen so if you want to talk to me about how you are feeling, I will be there for you.” Remember, listening without judging is a valuable gift for a bereaved parent.
Engagement not avoidance. As a society, we are afraid of grief. We struggle to talk about death and we are often uncomfortable around the bereaved. One of the most common themes of my work with bereaved parents is isolation, the feeling that they have lost their ability to connect with the people around them. It is so important to reach out to a friend who is feeling this way. Walk towards the grief, not away from it. Say something really simple like: “I am here for you if you need me – I will help in anyway I can.” This shows support, but doesn’t intrude.
Karen Burgess appears in a new documentary Child of Mine which will be aired on Channel 4 on 18 October at 10pm