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Just need to get it out... last night

(97 Posts)
Katkins1 Sat 21-Jun-14 10:44:31

Last night (well evening) I was getting ready to go out and freaked out a bit. I'd been hearing a voice all day, seeing giant spiders everywhere and just struggling in general. This is a new thing, have mental health issues, but never like this before. Just depression usually. The voice is like ny thoughts, but separate. He tells me all sorts of not very nice things, but most of the time, I can control it. Have heard it for three or four months now, but only just told some one these last few weeks (a friend and my doctor).I have 20 mg Prozac, bit it doesn't seem to be working much. Have been taking for three weeks. Last night, the voice was telling me it didn't like me, no one liked me and that I shouldn't tell any one what it was saying or it would make me suffer more. I told my friend, and it kept saying "what have you done?" And telling me that no one cared and so on.
My friend took me to the out of hours doctor, he was really dismissive and didn't believe me. My friend tried to get a referral for assessment, but he wasn't helpful. I left feeling as though I was making it all up. The voice thought it was great, that he had won and it was just me and him and he's untouchable. He started asking my friend questions when we were in the car;why was she helping me? So we had am odd conversation between me, him and her. It sounds weird written down. Anyway, I'm back at home now. In bed and daughter just woke up after a late night.She's watching TV. I've got a redecorating project to get on with over the weekend, but dint want to get up just yet. So tired and my arms really ache. Sorry, I just unneeded to say all of that.

Katkins1 Sat 21-Jun-14 10:45:01

Needed even. Typing on my kindle.

desertgirl Sat 21-Jun-14 11:15:24

That sounds very stressful. Can you get an appointment with your usual doctor fairly soon?

Katkins1 Sat 21-Jun-14 13:39:00

Sorry, fell back to sleep and only just woken up. I think so. I feel so stuck, because I know all of these things aren't real (ie. They are bits of my imagination) but at the same time, they feel quite real. I have been feeling suicidal. I just don't know what to do.

SilverStars Sat 21-Jun-14 13:53:03

Hi, just because that dr did not give you the treatment you wanted does not mean other dh's will not. An out of hours dr can onky get you assessed by your local crisis service as usual mental health teams need referral from your gp. But if you feel that you are in immediate risk and in danger do get yourself to an out of hours gp and ask for immediate medical help, which may involve a mental health assessment. Depending on your presentation depends on what you get from them - it will not necessarily jump you up queues for seeing outpatient consultants or therapy lists but it will treat any life threatening injuries and assess your state and perhaps medication needs.

A and E places often have mental health staff attached to them - though waits can be horrific, whereas an out of hours dr can usually onky refer you to a crisis service ( and if you not at risk usually they do not refer you).

Well those are my experiences anyway.

Worth seeing your gp next week to talk about the spiders etc.

TheReluctantCountess Sat 21-Jun-14 13:54:42

That is really stressful. I'm glad you acknowledge that the voice isn't real, but that doesn't make it any less disturbing. It's good that you have a friend that you are open with.

Stick with the medication - it is early days. Keep telling yourself that this will pass. The voice will get quieter and you will see light at the end of the tunnel. I promise.

TheReluctantCountess Sat 21-Jun-14 13:56:00

And the voice is wrong anyway. Your friends likes you and cares about you. I don't know you, but I care too.

Katkins1 Sat 21-Jun-14 14:00:44

Thanks silver. I didn't even want any treatment, I contacted my friend because I was terrified of what the voice was saying to me, and how it was saying not to tell anyone anything. It was saying what it wanted to do all of the little girls in my daughter's class when I was watching them at sports day. My friend had to phone in the end, because I couldn't and didn't want to do it. I feel as though I've been told I'm making it up and trying to get attention, but that's not true. I'm so scared.

Katkins1 Sat 21-Jun-14 14:07:45

Thanks Reluctant. I can barely go outside at the minute, unless it's my freelance work (which I'm not meant to be doing) or taking my little objector school because there are so many spiders, and I keep staring to see if they are real. Everything aches, I can barely get up and I need to do all of the housework, school uniforms and ironing and so on. Was planning on finishing some redecorating tomorrow, too. I'm usually so full of energy, and now I just physically can't do anything.

TheReluctantCountess Sat 21-Jun-14 14:11:33

Don't do anything that doesn't really have to be done.

Katkins1 Sat 21-Jun-14 15:10:57

Thanks. I have just got up started stripping beds and stuff, putting washing on. The radiators have started signing to me. I am thinking about getting everything that really needs to be done sorted (laundry, cleaning carpets, myself dressed) and if it doesn't stop, then taking myself to a walk in this evening. I actually went in and touched the radiator. I thought it needed to be 'healed' in some way. My whole body is shaking, because I know it's not teal but just for a moment, it feels so very real. I want to stick it out first, tidy up and get everything sorted, then see how I feel.

SilverStars Sat 21-Jun-14 19:10:01

Can you get a dh's appointment for Monday and then tell them exactly what you posted here - about the voice telling you what to do to those girls? If you are tell them what is going on for you then the dr can work out if it is the drug causing these problems for you or if it is something else. Onky your dr can do that and needs as much detail as you can tell them.
Hope the weekend ok. Agree onky do what needs to be done.

Katkins1 Sat 21-Jun-14 20:06:05

I told the DR in the out of hours. My friend is a DR herself (in sciences) and her partner is a physc. She had to almost pull me out of the car, and argued with the DR a fair bit. They both think I need help and an assessment. It was when I said I think she should take DD away that she worried, because I won't let her out of my sight usually. I'm paranoid that some-one will take her away. She was trying to explain, then the voice said he had won and it was just me and him and no-one else in the world. I asked him to go so I could be a good Mum, and he turned gentle and said that he would help me be a better Mum.
Sorry, I phrased it wrong. The voice was saying what he wanted to do to the girls (as in abuse them), not me. He tells me not to tell anyone about him, and says I will suffer more if I do. He was only sort of there today: and I tried to get rid of him by saying 'bye' and telling him he wasn't welcome. Even as I type, he's a bit grumpy about me writing about him. I gave him a name when he first appeared in April- I didn't even think it was odd! I've only had the prozac for three weeks, he's been there for a bit longer. There was a woman, and they used to talk to each other, but she's gone now. It's been a bit quiet today, I can hear people whispering, but only heard a couple of times and he's in the background, but I've done the cleaning and stuff and ordered pizza for me and DD. The computer was talking to me a bit earlier as well.I ignored it. I think having a day at home (and with sleep) helped, and not doing too much. Sorry I know I'm talking loads, it's really helping.Please keep talking to me. I feel more real if you do.

CeliaBowen Sat 21-Jun-14 20:13:52

OP, it sounds very upsetting. I have no experience, but I care about you, and so the voice is wrong again!

MNers are here for you, so please get the RL help you also need, as soon as you can. Is it just you and DD at home?

Katkins1 Sat 21-Jun-14 20:21:55

Hi, yes it is. We are just eating pizza then she will go to bed.

SilverStars Sat 21-Jun-14 20:44:57

Hi - your own gp, or one in your own Gp practice is the one that can refer you for assessment. The out of hours dr can only refer you for immediate treatment by the crisis team which is slightly different. The fact he did not think you were in immediate danger is good.

But if things are still the same, perhaps present at A+E if you need immediate help.

Can you do anything positive to turn the voice down as it were - distract with rubbish tv, magazine, listen to music, do something productive with hands (a craft for eg)?

CeliaBowen Sat 21-Jun-14 20:52:27

Have you got something to do after she's in bed? Feel free to carry on MNing grin there will be someone here to chat!

desertgirl Sat 21-Jun-14 20:52:50

The voice sounds a bit full of himself, of course it isn't just him and you, look at your lovely friend who took you to the doctor today. I don't have experience either but do think you need to get to your own doctor as soon as you can, you shouldn't have to put up with all of this.

Be kind to yourself - the redecorating etc can wait, if there is anything you can do that helps your mind to calm itself and to shut out the voice, that seems more important just now.

Thinking of you.

Katkins1 Sat 21-Jun-14 20:53:19

Thanks, yes. My friend said to write it all down to take to doc- so I'm going to do that in a bit. Also waiting for my order of online groceries (I can do some stuff and function). DD has just gone to bed, and I'll do some stuff for my freelance work and then write everything down.
My DD was in the kitchen, tapped me and her face turned into the voice's face because he was talking to me. Just for a moment.
It's absolutely terrifying.

Katkins1 Sat 21-Jun-14 20:56:24

She's in bed , Celia. I'm a multi tasker! I've just finished a degree with a 1st, got onto a PhD as well. But I'm deferring and maybe doing the Masters I've applied to instead. And thank you. Yes, this voice is a bit... he says if I tell anyone his name he will disappear and I need him. I sort of miss him when he's not around; feel a bit lonely.

desertgirl Sat 21-Jun-14 21:06:09

You don't need him; he doesn't sound very nice underneath. I'm sure there are lots of relationship red flags going on even without the not existing and taking over your daughter's face malarkey. Do you want to tell us his name and see if that does make him go away?

Katkins1 Sat 21-Jun-14 21:15:28

Yes I' pretty sure he's not real. When he first appeared I called him 'Bob' because it was a bit comical, and I wanted to take the mickey a bit out of myself. Sometimes 'Brian', but I think that's another, much gentler voice I started to hear yesterday. He says it's Ok to tell you his name, he doesn't mind and Bob is a bit rubbish. I feel as though I am making them both up though. Just playing childish games to get attention.

LEMmingaround Sat 21-Jun-14 21:15:49

Katkins I am sorry you are going through this flowers. Very scary for you. I just wanted to invite you over to a thread on mental health. Sorry I cant link but if you look for a thread about "the village" youll get alot of support. A few of the people on there hear voices so may be able to offer some tips. So heres a big feck off to your "voice" he is a bully and you are so much stronger than he is.

LEMmingaround Sat 21-Jun-14 21:19:17

It is ok to give him a name. Tell him that he can only stay if he is nice. The miniute he makes you feel bad he has to leave. He represents your self esteem. So make him behave!!

Katkins1 Sat 21-Jun-14 21:34:12

Thank you Lem. I will look in a bit. It's not a voice (auditory) but part of my external thoughts, if that makes sense.

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