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I told the school today-didn't get the reaction I'd hoped for

(105 Posts)
Ivegotaheadache Thu 28-Aug-08 21:26:11

I posted a little while ago about my dd1 (8yo) who was being bullied last school year (thank you for your replies), well I told the headmaster today as it was the first day back, and I'm not really sure what to think to be honest.

He said it would be difficult to speak to the girl as it was done last year, it's much better to keep an eye on the situation and if anything else happens then they will say something to her.

I can sort of see where he's coming from, but I feel that she's just got away with this behaviour and there's nothing to stop it from carrying on- actually I saw something today when I dropped dc's off at school. My dd was talking to her friend, this girl came up and totally ignored my dd and pulled the other girl away.
So it's still there.

Anyway, I just feel that as well as getting away with it, we have to wait for my dd to get upset before something is done. I can't really cope with that and I don't see why that should happen.

And shouldn't the parents be told of this? If it were the other way round, I'd definitely want to know.

Also, he suggested that my dd come and tell him when something happened, rather than me and she shouldn't be encouraged to tell tales, wtf does that mean! I don't call speaking up about bullying type behaviour, telling tales.

He also said he'd have a word with their new teacher and they would do circle time where they talk about excluding people ect. I had to remind him that it seemed to be a lot more than that deliberately targeted at my dd.

I sort of get the feeling that he doesn't want to do anything about it, though of course I could be wrong. But I was going to see him again and voice my concerns tomorrow - or should I wait til after the weekend or not say anything at all?

Not sure what to do, my said dd had a good day. But then thats what she said even when it was happening, so what should I think?

Thanks if you got to the end of it!

forevercleaning Thu 28-Aug-08 21:36:00

sorry you and your dd are going through this.
we have been in that unfortunate position ourselves.

I would recommend though, that you keep a diary of events. This is very important if and when you need to speak to the school again.

Fingers crossed that things settle down, and if they don't then best thing is to keep going into the school until you are satisfied it has been dealt with correctly.

Ripeberry Thu 28-Aug-08 21:37:41

Bullies are everywhere, feel sorry for your DD as i was treated like that when i was young.
An 11yr girl in our street thinks she's "IT" and always has other kids hanging around her, she always seems to be the one being pushed on the bicycle or getting the first go at anything.
Today, my DD2 who is only 6yrs old, wanted to play with her friend a boy who is the same age and this 11yr old girl told her to "Go Away" and kept telling the boy to be nasty to her.
He is scared of her so he obeyed, by the time i'd found out about this they had gone.
But this girl is really vile and an old man down the road even told her in the street that she is a nasty piece of work and he is usually quite tolerant.
I've had a few run ins with her, but i know her little game, she thinks she is safe as she is an only daughter and has 4 older brothers who are thugs.
Karma will seek them out.

Soprana Thu 28-Aug-08 21:38:49

Oh that sounds horrid, IGAH. Your dd's school almost certainly has an anti-bullying policy (and if it doesn't it bleeding well should have!!). You should ask to see it so you can see how the school itself says it deals with bullying issues. At the moment it all sounds a bit ad hoc when there should be a proper procedure to be followed.

I hate stuff like this cos I was bullied at school and know exactly how miserable it can be. I would come down like a ton of bricks on anyone bullying my dd, I know...

Have you talked to any of the other mums? It's likely the bully will have tried it on with other children too.

Hope you get something sorted.

Ivegotaheadache Thu 28-Aug-08 21:54:18

Thanks, I haven't seen an anti bullying policy and the head didn't mention one. But as it was last year, what can be done apart from telling the child that we know there was a problem last year, it has to be different this year sort of thing.

It just makes me mad that nothing will be said to her, even if it was last year. Thre's nothing to stop it carrying on.

I don't want to rock the boat too much, at the same time protecting my dd, because My dd is seeing a CAMHS psychologist as she can't leave me and go into school on her own (no bloody wonder!!) and also she pulls her eyelashes which now I'm wondering if thsi bullying has anything to do with it.

So I take my dd to the head's office every morning and he takes her in to her class, adn we get on well and he's good to my dd BUT this bully's mother is the school governor so I'm not sure how much that fact has to do with his reaction.

It shouldn't make a difference but in reality who knows what he thinks privatelhow I feel in the morning.

I think I'll sleep on it and see

Ivegotaheadache Thu 28-Aug-08 21:56:35

Sorry, that should read ...who knows what he thinks privately.

....adn see how I feel in the morning.

I'm pressing all sorts of keys, not that great a typist!

edam Thu 28-Aug-08 21:59:52

The school MUST have an anti-bullying policy. Did you raise any concerns last year? If so, I can't understand why it hasn't been mentioned. Would make me doubt how seriously they take it, tbh.

Suggest you google - there's a charity that is basically anti-bullying for children. Kidscape? Anyway, they'd have all the relevant info about what schools HAVE to do according to Dept for Children, Schools and Families and Ofsted rules. As well as offering you support and so on.

hotbot Thu 28-Aug-08 22:00:21

could you write him a letter thanking him ofor his kindness with regard to yuordds isssues with bullying, and that you appreciated his support when you talked to him that morning - bit of a double bluff, as he will have to act on something in writing?

AbbeyA Thu 28-Aug-08 22:14:37

The school has to have an anti bullying policy. Ask for a copy. Take it home and read it.
Make notes of the parts that are relevant to your DD and hold him to the procedures in the policy. If he can't produce one, take it to the governors.(regardless of the fact that the bully's mother is a governor).
I also suggest that you keep a diary of all incidents, as mentioned by forevercleaning.
Don't put up with it.

WickedBitchoftheEast Thu 28-Aug-08 22:54:13

Now I know you are going to think I am nasty, but a girl 14 was bullying my nephew 10 constantly and although my sister spoke with her parents several times and spoke to the school as well nothing was done about it, in fact it only got worse especially as my nephew started to keep the bullying from us for fear of recriminations from this girl and her group of friends.

Now believe it or not her father joined in on the act too, I know this for a fact as the girls sister told me herself, saying she did not know what to do for my nephew as she could hardly go to her father! angry

So I decided to take matters into my own hands, so I actually joined an evening class to gain access to her school and wrote some 'not very nice things' about this girl on several of the toilet doors.

Well pretty soon she was more concerned about the people bullying her than picking on my nephew, and when I saw her mother she told me of the terrible time this girl was having at school, my reply was 'now she knows what it feels like'.

I am aware that this is not the best solution, but when all else fails including the system that is supposed to protect them, you have to look after your own.

So I say nip it in the bud now before they make your childs life a misery.

WickedBitchoftheEast Thu 28-Aug-08 22:56:21

If that is not your cup of tea then tell the child if she so much as looks at your daughter you will beat the crap out of her mother ! grin

Ivegotaheadache Thu 28-Aug-08 23:07:05

Wicked- I totally know where you're coming from and I'd love to do the same believe me grin.

I thought I'd go down the school route first as it seemed the best thing to do. But if I don't get any joy from them I'll be speaking to the girls mother-in front of the girl-and making it clear it will not be tolerated.

I'm trying to do the right thing first (hopefully it's the right thing for my dd), but I will not let my child suffer if the school fails to act and puts a stop to it.

pointydog Thu 28-Aug-08 23:22:08

Confronting thde mother is unlikely to benefit your dd at all.

You should monitor and make teh school act if the problem does continue this year.

StarlightMcKenzie Thu 28-Aug-08 23:32:47

Message withdrawn

Ivegotaheadache Thu 28-Aug-08 23:35:44

I wouldn't confront her in a threatening way, like 'your dd better stop or I'll kick your head in' way.
But a 'thsi is what your dd is doing, are you aware and what are you doing about it' sort of thing.

Though that's not what I want to do, the school should be doing it all. But what if they don't? Do I spend my time fighting to make the school do something and all the while my dd suffers.

If the school really were crap and it didn't stop, then I would see the parents myself. I don't think in years to come my dd would thank me if I didn't do everything I could to stop it.

But anyway, I'm not at this stage yet! And hopefully never.
I see the head everyday anyway, so I'll get to speak to him about it and I'm sure something will be done. It is a good school, though I hope he's not thinking that it's such a good school that no bullying goes on there!

tootyflooty Thu 28-Aug-08 23:36:20

I wouldn't hold your breath for a quick soluton, My dd has been bullied for 3 years by the same girl.the school are very keen to says its 50/50 they even called in an expert, and when i requested a meeting with her was told they can't change the other girls behaviour so my daughter needed to change the way she reacts!!! so the out come is my daughter suffers in silence the bully gets away with it and the school think there is no problem. problem solved ... NOT, I have little faith in schools sorting these sort of things out

Ivegotaheadache Thu 28-Aug-08 23:45:13

That's just what worries me Starlight. What if it 'stops' but it 's still there, the subtle bullying is just as upsetting and it breaks my heart that my dd may suffer like that.
And what if the girl gets more nasty when she knows my dd has told?

I've got all sorts of scenarios and what if's in my head.

I really, really hate that girl. I wish she would leave the school. And I feel like beating the crap out of the mother and telling her to sort her child out.

God, all this has turned me into a lunatic.

Ivegotaheadache Thu 28-Aug-08 23:46:31

That's just awful tooty. I would just go mad if the school said that to me.

That's when I'd go see the parents.

StarlightMcKenzie Fri 29-Aug-08 00:00:32

Message withdrawn

AbbeyA Fri 29-Aug-08 07:39:14

I can see what led WBoftheE to her solution but I still think that it is better to go through the proper channels. Get the anti bullying policy and make them adhere to it. Put everything in writing and keep an incident diary.
Going direct to the parents can misfire. If they deny point blank that their DD is a bully (many parents absolutely to see any fault in their DC),there isn't much you can do.

Anna8888 Fri 29-Aug-08 07:43:15

I'm very sorry that your daughter is having problems with another child at school but I agree with Starlight that you should be trying to teach your daughter to defend herself, not just trying to get the school authorities to deal with the other child.

In the real world there aren't authorities to take up your case - you need to make your own way and to learn to defend yourself. No better time to start than right now.

gagarin Fri 29-Aug-08 07:50:01

IMO the headmaster can't really do much more than he's done at this stage.

You can't really haul a child in on the first day of term and tell them off about something they did last term.

I think keep a diary of events is a really good idea. It will back you up if needs be.

The talking about excluding people in her class is also an excellent idea - you never know this girl may never be destined to be a friend - but there might be other people in the class or school who can be.

Talk to your dd and invite some other the other quieter and more timid kids round for tea etc? You could work hard to actively create a few more social networks for your dd so that this girl is not so important.

Anna8888 Fri 29-Aug-08 07:53:27

"The talking about excluding people in her class is also an excellent idea - you never know this girl may never be destined to be a friend - but there might be other people in the class or school who can be."

I completely agree with this. But I think there could also be an open conversation about how not to become a victim and about how to integrate effectively into social situations.

I am guessing, from the info that the OP has given, that the headmaster fears that the OP's daughter is suffering from "learned helplessness".

AbbeyA Fri 29-Aug-08 07:56:39

I have just read back through it and would agree with gagarin. September is a new start and you can't call the girl in and go back over what happened 5 or 6 weeks ago.
I think garagin has excellent advice.
Teaching your DD to defend herself is a good idea but some children just can't do it, building up a social network is an easier solution.

lou031205 Fri 29-Aug-08 08:11:24

I'm really sorry you have this worry, but I do think that you are expecting too much. You obviously didn't think that the incidents were serious enough to raise last school year, and now you want the head teacher to deal with them as if they were yesterday.

Having said that, I think that a record of anything that happens this term should be kept, and raised with the school.

I think, under the circumstances, the school have been very reasonable.

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