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To be p****d off that DH is a much better parent than me!

(110 Posts)
Mooncupflowethover Thu 22-Oct-09 20:50:20

This wasn't how it was meant to be surely? DH spends so much time with DS1, he just ENJOYS being with him/playing with him etc. He has patience, he cooks proper meals for him, he cuddles him non stop.

Tonight DS1 (who can be a serious handful, he's 2.6) was playing a board game with me and when I told him it was time to call it a day he threw a paddy and chucked the pieces everywhere. I'm sorry to say, I saw red, and dragged him by one arm very roughly to the time out corner, whilst he screamed the place down. I want to point out that I feel pretty awful about this, made worse by DH shouting 'For God's sake, put him down!'

I stormed off into the kitchen in a fury and stood there with steam practically coming out of my ears, and I could hear DH soothing DS.

DH put DS to bed as usual, and I could hear him reading a story, then I heard heard him talking to DS, asking him what he'd been doing today, and telling him what a lovely day they were going to have tomorrow, all the stuff they were going to do etc.

I went outside for a good cry, feeling like a totally shit parent (which, lets face it, I was). When I came back in DH bollocked me gently, pointing out (as if I didn't know!) that I was completely over the top, and under no circumstances was I to do it again.

I wanted so much to be a great mum, but I get so bored/frustrated/annoyed. I give him ready meals (ok, Annabel Karmel ones, but still), I hate playing games, it all feels like I have to force myself to do all this. Surely it should come naturally, like it does with DH?

So DS is lucky to have his Dad, but WHY can't I be as good at parenting as he is, it's not bloody fair, I'm jealous, so I guess I ABU aren't I!

prettyfly1 Thu 22-Oct-09 20:53:05

You sound like me a lot of the time and do you you know what. When dss dad isnt around i am so much better at parenting. I try harder because i HAVE to. Have you got anything that you do just between you too? Maybe you could take out story time from your dh - i love my snuggly time with my little boy.

diddl Thu 22-Oct-09 20:58:10

That´s probably how I would have reacted.

And if my husband spoke like that to me I would have smacked him one, tbh!

ShinyAndNew Thu 22-Oct-09 21:03:39

He bollocked you for being upset? He didn't give you a cuddle then and reassure you? What a twat.

As far as him being a better parent, I bet he doesn't have all day everyday with ds does he? It can get wearing. How about asking him for some 'me time'. Then when you are home you will be happier, calmer and more patient.

fernie3 Thu 22-Oct-09 21:06:16

You probably spend more time with your son. It is easy to be a good parent when you are only around a child an hour a day but all day everyday means you get all the whining all the tantrums and hassle. Dont worry you ARE a good mum!
ask your husband to take him out so you can have some time to relax alone.

nooka Thu 22-Oct-09 21:06:23

Maybe you will be fantastic when your ds is a teenager and your dh will be the rubbish one then? I think you should be glad that your dh is good with your little one, and stop beating yourself up. Not everyone is great with babies/toddlers (I know I wasn't!)

You might find if you relax a bit and recognise that many of the things you feel you "should " do with your ds are not things you enjoy you might be able to find other things that you do enjoy doing together, and that might improve the way you feel about parenting. Personally I found being at home with my two when they were small really boring and frustrating and we all used to wind each other up, so I took to taking them out and doing things with them (helped that I lived in London at the time, with many options for trips etc) which we all enjoyed. dh still said he was the better parent, and probably was (bloody annoying though!)

fernie3 Thu 22-Oct-09 21:07:31

I have to say Im impressed you son was playing a board game at all mine would have eaten the pieces or something lol so you must be doing something right!

diddl Thu 22-Oct-09 21:12:08

Well, looking at it another way, how is he a good parent when he´s shouting at you "for god´s sake put him down"

And soothing your son.

So, your son paddies and gets soothed & you get shouted at-yup, that´s great parenting.

And then telling you under no circumstances to do it again, sorry, but did you put your son in mortal danger?

AitchTwoToTangOh Thu 22-Oct-09 21:13:58

what was your own childhood like? do you remember playing with your folks? (and ready meals are expensive shite, tbh, annabel karmel or not. 2.6 is old enough to sit on the counter and chat and eat carrots while you make some toasted cheese or something simple for tea).

AitchTwoToTangOh Thu 22-Oct-09 21:16:08

god, i COMPLETELY disagree with you diddl. the op says she dragged him roughly by one arm, that's out of control, it's completely fair enough for the other parent (male or female) to stop that sort of behaviour. and he gently bollocked her, according to the OP, and she deserved a gentle bollocking. it's not okay to drag wee kids around in a manner that you know hurts them.

diddl Thu 22-Oct-09 21:19:24

I think the OP overreacted, but so did her husband.

He could have stepped in and dealt with it without shouting at OP.

And then "bollocking" her when she obviously felt bad about the situation.

WhereYouLeftIt Thu 22-Oct-09 21:19:52

You're feeling down because you're not an earth-mother type to who the whole mothering bit comes instinctively. Well, neither am I, and it doesn't mean that either of us is a bad mother. My husband was also a much better parent than I was when our DS was that age. Much more patient and better at not letting his buttons be pushed. But you know what, my DS got older. He found the boundaries and usually stays inside them now. As he learned self-control, I felt less tense. Now, I feel just as good as parent as my DH.

Don't let it get to you, it's not a reflection on you. This stage will pass.

fernie3 Thu 22-Oct-09 21:24:59

AitchTwoToTangOh I agree it isnt acceptable to drag a child like that. I think the OP sees that though and probably needs to know that she isnt actually a terrible mother for one outburst like this. I also agree with the ready meals point and would never buy them myself BUT I dont think feeding you child a reayd meal make you a bad parent! (as the OP seems to think)

SarfEasticated Thu 22-Oct-09 21:25:05

My DH is a bloddy saint too, and I tend to be a bit hot-headed, whereas he is calm and reasonable and kind (pig grin),
Do you think that your son loves your DH more than you, or that your DH loves your son more than you (I worry about this sometimes). Is there some resentment that you need to work on?
Even if you do find it hard sometimes, I think you have to remember that your LO is still only a bubba, and needs you to be kind to him. If he is loving spending time playing with you and then that is cut short he is bound to be frustrated.
This parenting malarky is tough isn't it, don't beat yourself up about it, just try to work out what is really winding you up and try to sort it out.

fernie3 Thu 22-Oct-09 21:25:43

sorry typing got a bit rubbish there - trying to do it while feeding my baby lol

TheBlairSnitchProject Thu 22-Oct-09 21:28:17

I feel like this a lot of the time too. As others have said, it's easy to be an amazing parent for an hour a day - and all but impossible to do it 24/7/365.

I'm sure if you added up all the good time you guys have together, it would be way more than your DH does per day

overmydeadbody Thu 22-Oct-09 21:28:32

I have to say I completely disagree with you too didl.

The OP knows she over-reacted. Her DH was right.

Shiny I don't think he bollocked her for being upset, I tihnk he bollocked her for rough-handling their DS.

Mooncup please don't dispair, the good thing about parenting is that as children get older you have to adapt and change. As nooka said you may find you become a 'better' parent when your DS is older.

There are some things I will not do with DS, like play hide and seek, and he knows this. I don't think this makes me a bad parent.

overmydeadbody Thu 22-Oct-09 21:29:53

The OP said he 'gently bollocked' her, making it sound like he wasn't horrible at all.

AitchTwoToTangOh Thu 22-Oct-09 21:30:19

disagree with you diddl. the op hurt his two and a half year old son because he behaved like a two and a half year old. she needed to be stopped, and quickly.

and she doesn't say bollocking, she makes a distinct point of saying 'gentle'. her behaviour, while entirely human and often understandable, was wrong, she has to suck up being told not to do it again.

you can learn to be better, mooncup, it's not all nature at work. but you might be being ambitious in expecting a child of his age not to have a tantrum over a board game, particularly in the evening when he's tired. do you think you might be expecting too much from him? how much time have you spent with other kids?

AitchTwoToTangOh Thu 22-Oct-09 21:30:23

disagree with you diddl. the op hurt his two and a half year old son because he behaved like a two and a half year old. she needed to be stopped, and quickly.

and she doesn't say bollocking, she makes a distinct point of saying 'gentle'. her behaviour, while entirely human and often understandable, was wrong, she has to suck up being told not to do it again.

you can learn to be better, mooncup, it's not all nature at work. but you might be being ambitious in expecting a child of his age not to have a tantrum over a board game, particularly in the evening when he's tired. do you think you might be expecting too much from him? how much time have you spent with other kids?

AitchTwoToTangOh Thu 22-Oct-09 21:35:20

i just loathe all this 'you're a great parent' when the only information we have so far is that the OP herself thinks she isn't and is bored, frustrated and annoyed, gives him ready meals and has to force herself to do even this.

none of this is fatal, we are all more or less motivated at times, but the OP might need to do some work on herself if she really does want to spend happier times with her son and a catch-all 'oh but you're great, don't worry' is not helpful advice imo. in fact, unless you know more than the op is telling us, it's a fantasy tbh.

diddl Thu 22-Oct-09 21:37:41

We obviously disagree.

Yes, the OP was wrong, but I also think her husband was.

Maybe ib future the OP can just walk away & let her husband deal with the paddies.

AitchTwoToTangOh Thu 22-Oct-09 21:39:59

and how is that helpful to her actual problem, which is that she feels a lesser parent than her dh?

OP, where are you? what do you know about kids? what was your childhood like?

fernie3 Thu 22-Oct-09 21:40:55

tbh though doesnt everyone have to force themselves sometimes? I know I do - I had to force myself to read "mr big" ten times today to my 2 year old and then I had to force myself not to lose my temper when my 5 year old tried to make a hat with my half made baby blanket.Ok I managed to force myself but perhaps if I was a little down or depressed I wouldnt have! I have never lost my temper with my kdis to the extent of grabbing them like that but I have shouted at them a few times and regretted it later.

AitchTwoToTangOh Thu 22-Oct-09 21:42:55

of course we do, but we don't post on mn about it because we feel that there is a bigger picture to our parenting, whereas it seems that this op doesn't.

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