Is this bullying or should I let it go? Genuinely don't know if I'm BU

[user09123870823823082]

Brief background.
Daughter is 13, about to be 14.
She had a terrible time in Year 8, lockdown played havoc with her mental health, she has intrusive thoughts / OCD, had panic attacks etc etc.
Her friendship group, which is already a fragile thing for many in Year 8, really started to crumble and she found herself having lunch in the toilet for a week.
She was 1 of 9 in the friendship group, the other 8 all had a bestie within that group, she was always a bit of a floater within the group.
her 2 best friends both left the school in Year 6.
Her personality must have changed a bit due to the OCD / anxiety and I know that she will have made mistakes, got upset / sensitive, been moody etc.

She tried to break into another group with some success, then that group suddenly said they didn't want her in their group and the main girl she was friendly with just ghosted her. She was at a loss as to why.

Cut to back to school in Year 9.
The girl that ghosted her started to let her in a bit. She then tells my daughter the reason she did that was that the old friendship group had approached her and told her that my daughter was a racist. They said they had proof and had a screen grab of my daughter saying "I would never let a person of colour into my house".

This is a lie.
I don't want to sound as if I think all my geese are swans. They are not. My daughter is a grumpy little sod sometimes, can be quite dismissive sounding sometimes and has many many little faults. But racist she is not. I'm not going to sit here and tell you all the reasons that I know she is not, that's not necessary.

However incase you need to know, my daughter is white. Her new best friend is black and her other new friend is Iranian.
Out of her old friendship group, 7 of the girls in the group are brown and historically my daughter has had 1-2-1 friendships with all of these girls, they have all been to our house, had sleepovers etc.

So, IF this was said, IF these girls did make up this story and are pretending there is proof and trying to make sure that she is unable to make new friends etc, I would like the school to look at this.

My daughter had a meeting with Head of Pastoral Care and spoke to her about all this.
This lady told my daughter that she wasn't going to do anything about it as it happened at the end of the academic year in Year 8 and now she is in Year 9 and that she didn't think it should be bought back up.

I disagree. Quite strongly.

I would like this investigated, to see who really said what, and IF there is anything in this, let the girls know they have been found out, (perhaps, maybe, be made to speak to the people they told this lie to and admit they were wrong) but basically do what they can to try and ensure that this sort of thing doesn't happen again. It feels really wrong that girls can accuse someone of being racist, spread lies about it, try and stop her making new friends, and get away scot free, just because it happened 4 months ago not 4 days ago.
For me, this is bullying pure and simple.

If someone was racist I would expect it to be dealt with but I expect the same if someone is accused of such a thing and it's not true,

But AIBU?

Is my judgement being clouded by being a protective Mumma Bear?

Please try and remember to be kind in your posts back to me.
I've seen how things can take a turn on many threads that I read.
I'm just a mum trying to do her best by her daughter who has a LOT to deal with right now without people going round accusing her of being a racist. It's really upset her.
I'm asking if my judgment is clouded or if I'm right to push the school to investigate.
Thanks.

[RedHelenB]

Wonder if they pastoral person thinks new year clean sheet? Might be worth a try? And if her current friend is telling a lie to cover her own back for not wanting to be with your d's last year it could just make matters worse.

[EvenMoreFuriousVexation]

Yanbu and I'm really shocked the school would take this view. You would think they'd be duty bound to investigate any claims regarding racial issues, no matter who has brought the issue up.

I would personally call the school and perhaps speak to head of year rather than pastoral team.

[INeed2P]

An outsiders view:

• if it happened 4 months ago, likely the girls will have deleted / said they have deleted the evidence or cannot remember the conversation

• if it is investigated now, more people will find out about it (rumours spread quickly in schools) rather than just the small group now

• I understand you know your daughter, you will always want to think the best of her and believe her, however in this case it quickly becomes "they said she said" at school where little can be proved

• if by any chance it is investigated and it turns out your daughter did say it, things will become a lot worse for her

• can your daughters mental health deal with being investigated by the school and questioned about this?

Personally I'd not push the school on it, a lot of time has passed and I don't think the outcome you want will happen.

[user09123870823823082]

Thanks @EvenMoreFuriousVexationvenMoreFuriousVexation. It's good to hear that a least one person in the world thinks I'm not being OTT. It's easy to have a clouded judgement when it comes to being protective over your own child.

However, yes @RedHelenB, you do make a good point and one I hadn't actually considered. Hmmmmm. However, if this is the sort of lie she is prepared to tell then do I want her being friends with my daughter anyway?! Something to think about though, thanks for that perspective.

[LampLighter414]

You seem very focused on clearing your daughters name and getting the other girls punished. But what if it's the inverse and this screenshot is indeed genuine and your daughter has said such things? What then?

[Somethingsnappy]

YANBU. I had lies told about me at school, at a similar age. Just one girl was behind it, but I was bullied for a while because of it. I still remember it clearly because of how awful it was. Telling lies about someone deliberately to prevent her making friends is definitely bullying and victimising behaviour and needs looking into. Especially with the rasism accusation element. That bully obviously picked one of the worst things she could think of or one that would get the most negative attention. Horrible. Teenage years are hard enough.

[Somethingsnappy]

P. S. But I see the points others have made too. It's indeed a difficult one.

[user09123870823823082]

Thanks @INeed2P,m that's exactly the calm. considered post that is really helpful. You do raise some really good and valid points. and I will absolutely consider them.
Hmmmm lots of food for thought here.

I feel as sure as anyone can be sure that she din't say what she is accused of. She came home in such a state about it, and has gone to head of pastoral care herself already about it. If there was any truth she would have kept quiet. I know she's not prefect, but she didn't say what they said she said. I've never been more sure.

Can her mental health deal with an investigation. Good point and I thank you for it. I think yes. I think she could handle the investigation better than she can deal with people thinking there is any truth in this rumour.

The thing I really need to think carefully about is more people getting wind of it. That is a very, very good point and is probably the one thing that will stop me pursuing this. Thanks for bringing it to my attention, i truly appreciate that.

[MagnoliaBeige]

Other than clearing your daughters name (which I totally understand the desire to do that), what do you want to achieve? How are her friendships now? I tend to agree that you’re unlikely to get closure on this given the passage of time so I’d be tempted to focus on supporting your daughter to make connections with girls she can trust and wants to build friendships with.

[Seeline]

I agree with everything Ineed2P says.

Keep an eye on things going forward, and deal with anything new. Don't go opening up things from the past.

[user09123870823823082]

@LampLighter414, of course I want to clear her name, I'm a mum, its natural no? But I haven;'t mentioned the word 'punished', or haveI? It's not what I want. I want it to stop, I don't want them to think they can say things like that, about ANYONE, and get away with it. Just to realise that they have been caught is 'punishment' enough.

As I said in a previous post that I think crossed with yours, - I feel as sure as anyone can be sure that she din't say what she is accused of. She came home in such a state about it, and has gone to head of pastoral care herself already about it. If there was any truth she would have kept quiet. I know she's not prefect, but she didn't say what they said she said. I've never been more sure.

[Doomscrolling]

Streisand effect, OP.

Do you really want a lot of attention and focus on this issue to be stirred up all over again?

[user09123870823823082]

@MagnoliaBeige

What do I want to achieve? - Well, I would like bullies to understand that it's not ok. i would like them to realise that lies get found out and to make them think on their actions so that they don't do it again.
If your son or daughter was bullied, what would YOU like to achieve from it?

How are her friendships now? - Not great. She has found 2 girls that are kind and allow her to hang out with them. They are kind but they are not who my daughter would have chosen as friends were it not for the who friendship mess she is in. Ultimately, she is not happy.

Meanwhile I am supporting her as much as she will allow me to.

God it's all so hard though :-(

[user09123870823823082]

@Doomscrolling - I have never heard of Streisand effect. i shall google,

Do I want it stirred up again - no, not really. But I also don't want girls to bully and get away with it. It's an awful thing to go round saying. What's next? What's the right amount of time between incident and dealing with it? It's only 4 months because it happened at the end of the academic year. My daughter saw NO -ONe over the summer holidays because of their cruelty. I'm not sure that should just be brushed under the carpet because it happend in June / July! ??????

[Cadent]

They haven’t been spreading it around that she is (allegedly) a racist, are they?

For whatever reason, they think she has said something racist and called her out on it.

They are not obliged to be friends with her. She needs to just move on from this group.

[Gorl]

It’s very difficult OP. You’re absolutely not wrong to want a resolution to this and for your daughter to be cleared - that is natural and normal. But I agree with others that dragging it all back up now and having an investigation just when things have settled a bit might not be best for your daughter.

What does she want? Is she very keen for it to all go away? Or does she want her name cleared and the truth established?

I would be inclined to follow her lead on that, but keep a close eye on any further incidents.

[user09123870823823082]

@Cadent - that's EXACTLY what they ARE doing. Spreading a lie (and other less serious ones) around about her.
They have told a number of people apparently.
They are trying to prevent her making any new friends.
I don't think they are calling her out, they are saying she wrote the words "I would never let a person of colour through my front door". They said they have a screen shot but no one has seen it.
My daughter came home very upset about it and has gone to a member of staff about it when she discovered it.
These girls are not obliged to be friends with her, no. But they are also not obliged to spread lies and try and prevent her being friends with others.

[user09123870823823082]

Thanks @Gorl. She very much wanted her name cleared, which is why she went to the member of staff herself. The staff member isn't keen to do anything about it and I'm trying to open my mind to why that might be best (if indeed it is) before I meet with her.
Some of the posts here and have given me food for thought and will help me decide what I want to do. Lots to think about.

[Maves]

"Out of her old friendship group 7 in the group are brown" and you believe she didn't write it?.....apple and tree n that

[user09123870823823082]

@Somethingsnappy - thank you so much. Sorry it happened to you too. It's not something you get over easily is it. The injustice of it, being wrongly accused, thinking that's what people might think.
I appreciate your post xx

[Quartz2208]

I think refocusing your thinking maybe helpful. There is (quite understandably) a lot of anger directed at these girls and in everything you say you want to achieve punishing them/calling them out is front and centre.

But that cant and shouldnt be your priority. Getting your daughter happy and settled is - if as a consequence of doing so they get punished then that is fine but that cannot be the aim of what you want to achieve.

So what will help your daughter - work with the school in order to get her settled and happy again because that your role here, that is your priority. Help follow her lead and I think try to let go of your anger because that isnt helpful and isnt going to lead to a resolution that you want

[user09123870823823082]

@Maves - I'm sorry???!!!! OH!!!!! I was giving people info, so they could see the picture and understand who was saying what, I thought it was important. What a terrible thing to say. Yes I do believe her but I'm shocked at your post. I shall engage with you no further so no need to post again.

[user09123870823823082]

Thank you @Quartz2208, I'm not sure 'punished' is a word I feel comfortable with, but yes, perhaps I am angry. You are right, the focus should be making sure my daughter is happy and settled and letting her lead. Thank you for refocusing me.

[Cadent]

As they are spreading that she is racist then definitely raise it with the Head.

I think saying 7 out of 9 are brown is a bit of a generalisation. Is one of them black? Is the Iranian girl brown? Iranians tend to be fair skinned.

[soapboxqueen]

YNBU to want something sorted but I also don't think it's realistic.

After 4 months it's unlikely anyone is going to remember who said what and the culprits are unlikely to just fess up. So you're going to be left with your dd saying she didn't say something racist and potentially another girl or girls saying she did. No punishments there.

Or worse, they actually have proof or 4 girls say she did say something racist and that is taken at proof even if they are lying. Your dd is branded a racist.

Even if someone does admit making it up, there won't be an announcement to clear her name. It'll just quietly disappear.

I think as long as the school are aware, even if nothing is done now, means that future incidents will be viewed differently.