To refuse to speak to FIL when at DSS wedding

[Loyalorstupid]

OK, so name change for this as might be outing.

My FIL, who has always been very selfish and uncaring to both my DH and SisIL, will be going to my DSSs wedding, taking his second wife (who is same age as SisIL) with him.

His 1st wife (mother of DH and SisIL) died earlier this year after being in a care home with alzheimers for 3 years.

FIL had moved the now 2nd wife into marital home 2 years before first wife died, which none of the family approved of. He also took other actions regarding her that were, in the family's view, completely inappropriate. As a result both DH and SisIL cut contact with him.

Also, before going NC with his DF, DH borrowed money from FIL to finance something they both knew I would strongly disagree with if I knew about it. I have dealt with DH about that, and the matter is settled between us, but I am still absolutely incensed that FIL lent this money, and kept it a secret, even though he knew how totally this would damage mine and DHs relationship.

For reference this was potentially a marriage breaker but DH has worked hard to apologise, regain my trust and get our relationship back on a good track. So all good there now.

So, DH is now saying that he will have to speak to his DF and the 2nd wife when at the wedding for the sake of his son and bride, which I totally get. If he wants to do that it is his choice, I won't try and stop him doing that.

But ... AIBU if I still refuse to speak to either FIL or 2nd wife as I am still massively upset at how he behaved re late MIL, and still furious he aided DH in deceiving me which could have ended my marriage.

I adore my DSS and his future bride, and won't cause any scene at the wedding, but I just cannot imagine even bringing myself to even be coldly polite to such a complete * (fill in the word here, you get the gist!).

Give me the benefit of MNs wisdom please ..

YANBU = Don't speak to the FIL and 2nd wife
YABU = You should speak to them for sake of DSS and his wonderful bride to be.

Third option would be I get conveniently "quarantined" the day before the wedding, but I would hate to miss it as I do love DSS dearly.

Help!

[DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult]

With regards to the money that was all on your dh, he was the one who decided this, and I'm not sure someone that uncaring would have lent the money tbh.

The new wife is a tricky one. Having a partner with alzheimers is really tough, you grieve a person even though they are still alive, I don't think I could bring myself to judge him for moving on while she was still physically here.

There may well be other reasons you don't like him, but based on these two ywbu to ignore him imo.

[Fullofglee]

Having worked with people with dementia often or not they say the person they were died well before they physically died, that's not to say he didn't love his first wife however in his eyes she died long before her body did,she was no longer there in spirit and mind. Regarding money issue that's on your dh your married into the family it's not up to you to take issue with your fil actions that's completely down to your dh and his sister. You can have an option and voice it to your dh but that where its stop its a wedding its unfair to the bride and groom to create tension and a hostile environment by ignoring them both.

[ChicChaos]

Wrong to blame your FIL about the money when your DH has been forgiven for the same matter!

Your DSS has invited his grandfather and his wife to his wedding, so I think you should respect his wishes on the day. 'Quarantining' would be really obvious and incredibly petty of you.

[Loyalorstupid]

Thanks, I needed someone to give me perspective. I just have this real anger that FIL helped to nearly end my marriage even though yes, I agree, it was on DH because he asked for the money. The FIL is uncaring because he always just throws money at any problem ... sort of like buying himself out of trouble. I know it could be seen as generous, but it's not ... in this case, he 'bought' DHs silence over the then OW (who became 2nd wife). The fact his relationship with the OW finally came out a different way was nothing to do with DH ... they were each keeping the others dirty secret.

[ItsSnowJokes]

What the hell did your husband buy that nearly ended your marriage? That sounds quite extreme.

[Loyalorstupid]

It wasn't something he bought, like a physical item, it was to pay rent for a flat I knew nothing about and which someone else was living in.

[gogohm]

Yabu. It's dss's day just exchange pleasantries for a few hours, the weather is always a good option

You didn't agree with his new relationship, a common issue with children in these circumstances, I look at it from his perspective, he cared for his wife who got sick, eventually too sick to be at home, he deserves to carry on with his life

[Faranth]

If there's a 'receiving line' or whatever it's called where you arrive and shake hands with the b&g and both sets of parents, then I don't see how you can avoid speaking to them. What would you do? Stand mute and stare at them? Turn your back until you can move past them to the next person?

If it's just a case of not speaking to them in the general flow of the party then I think that's doable.

Have you seen a seating plan? You're not going to be expected to sit at the same table as them are you?

Do DSS and his wife to be know you're not on speaking terms?

[WeHaveComeSoFar]

You didn't agree with his new relationship, a common issue with children in these circumstances, I look at it from his perspective, he cared for his wife who got sick, eventually too sick to be at home, he deserves to carry on with his life

Totally agree.

[MarleneDietrichsSmile]

Rent for a flat…. His mistress lived in?

The issues are with your DH, not your FiL

[Blossomtoes]

@WeHaveComeSoFar

You didn't agree with his new relationship, a common issue with children in these circumstances, I look at it from his perspective, he cared for his wife who got sick, eventually too sick to be at home, he deserves to carry on with his life

Totally agree.

This.

If you can’t be civil for a few hours to oil the wheels at someone else’s wedding, don’t go.

[Loyalorstupid]

Yes, DSS know that DH and SisIL are NC, and understand why. DSS invited FIL, but not 2nd wife, but FIL says he won't go if 2nd wife can't, so DSS gave in.

It's an informal wedding, so I guess I can just keep my distance as much as possible.

[Loyalorstupid]

Wasn't a mistress, but someone DH had agreed he wouldn't see (male friend who was a very bad influence)

[SW1amp]

So your DH had an affair and wanted to move his OW in to a little shag pad, but didn’t have the money, so his dad subbed him the cash to have somewhere for the OW to live?

And you found out about it and have forgiven your husband for having an affair, having repeated sex with a other woman, setting her up in a flat, visiting the flat for sex, lying to you about it and exposing you to STDs

But you don’t want to forgive your FIL for the loan and not telling him no, you shouldn’t be putting your OW up in a flat..?

If you forgave the situation, you forgave the situation
(Which is probably your mistake)
You can’t hold a grudge against the person with 1% involvement but forgive the person with 100%

The 2nd wife thing is a distraction
If the family was that outraged, he wouldn’t be invited to the wedding

[ineedaholidaynow]

The money is purely down to your DH. I assume FIL would not have known about the issue unless DH had gone to him about it Depending on what the issue was he maybe should have talked your DH out of it, but your DH should never have put him (or you) in that position

[dryasaboner]

@SW1amp

So your DH had an affair and wanted to move his OW in to a little shag pad, but didn’t have the money, so his dad subbed him the cash to have somewhere for the OW to live?

And you found out about it and have forgiven your husband for having an affair, having repeated sex with a other woman, setting her up in a flat, visiting the flat for sex, lying to you about it and exposing you to STDs

But you don’t want to forgive your FIL for the loan and not telling him no, you shouldn’t be putting your OW up in a flat..?

If you forgave the situation, you forgave the situation
(Which is probably your mistake)
You can’t hold a grudge against the person with 1% involvement but forgive the person with 100%

The 2nd wife thing is a distraction
If the family was that outraged, he wouldn’t be invited to the wedding

Love the little fantasy you have created in your head here...

[Loyalorstupid]

Just to repeat, no mistress, a male friend who always brings trouble and who always scrounges of DH because he knows DH is a soft touch.

[WeHaveComeSoFar]

@Loyalorstupid

Just to repeat, no mistress, a male friend who always brings trouble and who always scrounges of DH because he knows DH is a soft touch.

So you forgave your DH over this, but your FIL is totally off limits?

Right ...

[ineedaholidaynow]

Why have you forgiven your DH but still not speaking to your FIL about giving money to this person? If DH didn't ask for the money I assume the FIL wouldn't have given the money direct to that person.

[RedMarauder]

As long as you are not on the same table as your FIL then just go to the wedding. Don't make a big issue.

If you come across him the first time say "hello, how are you?" and if he tries to engage you in conversation make up a reason why you can't stop to talk to him. Then politely acknowledge you have seen him when you see him again but make up an excuse of why you can't stop to talk to him every single time.

It's not exactly like he can follow you in to the ladies toilet unlike if you didn't get on with a female relation.....

[Loyalorstupid]

But, I do see what everyone is saying, and I agree, I am just going to have to do it and be cool but polite for sake of lovely DSS

[Loyalorstupid]

I think the reason I find it harder to forgive FIL is because this money thing was just one item in a whole list of things he has done to totally disrespect me, and to try and break up my marriage to DH. Which DH sees now, and understands why I find it so hard to forgive FIL when I did forgive DH.

[SheABitSpicyToday]

I think yabu.
It’s ok for people to live their life and his loyalty is to his son not you.

[Sceptre86]

@SW1amp interesting story you've written there. Did you not read the thread!

If you love your dss then you need to grin and bare it. Ignoring them reflects on you negatively and has the potential to distrupt their day. You can air your grievances on another day. For now do your best to behave, you don't have to go out of your way to make conversation but likewise don't need to blank them either.

[harverina]

I feel your anger is misplaced. DH presumably asked his DH for money, his dad gave it to him. Your DH is responsible 100%.

You’ve either moved on from it or you haven’t. I would suggest you haven’t and that you are still angry - this needs to be addressed with your DH not your FIL.

Ok. So you don’t like the man - but if it were me I would make an effort to say “hello and how are you” - basic chat for the sake of DSS. I actually it will take less effort than ignoring them completely - once it’s over with you can all enjoy the day. By ignoring him it will be on your mind all day and dominate the wedding. Plus if your DH speaks to him and you don’t, it will be really obvious given it’s a small wedding.

Don’t understand why the new wife wasn’t invited initially either - it’s not really her fault that her husband moved on so quickly and if DSS wants FIL there he needs to accept that his nee wife is a part of his life.