For not forcing my child to hug someone

[imoverthis]

My husband and I have had a very lengthy argument because I told him not to force our daughter to hug her auntie if she doesn't want to.

Our daughter was pushing herself away from her auntie and her auntie was holding onto her, my husband was saying over and over again "hug auntie hug auntie" and I told him not to force her if she doesn't want to.

Her threw a fit in front of everyone and when they left we argued. He said we should make her hug and kiss her family because we never know what might happen. My argument is we shouldn't force her to hug or kiss anyone as in my opinion it's teaching her she should do things to keep others happy no matter how she feels about it.

AIBU?

[4PawsGood]

You are not being unreasonable. It’s good to teach children that they don’t have to hug people they don’t want to.

[mbosnz]

You are not being unreasonable. A child has as much right as anybody, only to touch or be touched by others to the extent they wish. And it's actually very important that they learn that they have the right to make these boundaries, and to have them respected and enforced - and of course that everyone has this same fundamental right.

(I had the same argument with my family. Tough shit, as far as I was concerned, given that it was my family that made me so aware of how very important it is!)

[Sirzy]

Nobody should be forced into any physical contact with someone else unless they are comfy with it. To me that is an important message to teach from a young age.

[pepsicolagirl]

Of course YANBU. What does the alternative teach about consent? pretty obvious that children should be able to choose who they have that sort of contact with

[JanFebAnyMonth]

Look at the NSPCC advice on this, it’s very important to take your position for teaching body autonomy. (No one has the right to force you to do something with your body - except medical professionals /care givers and they should explain what and why etc- )

[amijustparanoidorjuststoned]

You are SO NOT unreasonable. You sound like a wonderful mother and I wish my mother had been more like this.

This is the first lesson in consent and autonomy - give children the right to say "no!" Your husband was being a dick. Hope you and your daughter are okay

[ViolaValentina]

I NEVER force my children to hug, in fact I've trained my family to ask the children if they'd like a hug rather than asking them to give a hug (subtle difference but important).
We should all be teaching our children that you don't do anything to another person's body without their consent, and nobody has the right to do anything to yours either.

[Twizbe]

You're not being unreasonable. By all means say 'do you want to hug auntie bye bye?' If she says no offer a wave / blow a kiss and let her be

[CanofCant]

YANBU and his reaction was completely uncalled for.

[poppycat10]

You are right OP and DH is wrong. You don't force kids to hug relatives. They should say a polite goodbye (or hello) but bodily contact is not required!

It applies the other way round too if child is huggy and aunt is not. Child should also be taught to respect other peoples' space.

[DinosaurDiana]

No, you need to allow your child to choose who she hugs/kisses and who she doesn’t.
You never know what has gone on. Children need to be empowered to say no.

[user1493413286]

Yep for me it’s about teaching children autonomy over their own body and that you don’t have to have physical contact if you don’t want to rather than being forced to over come those instincts. My kids have to be polite and say goodbye but it’s up to them if that’s a hug, high five, wave or just saying it

[Unreasonabubble]

YANBU. My DS never wanted to be cuddled or kissed by anyone other than his parents. His DGM was always so upset and rude to him when he said "no thank you". He was not being nasty. He just really did not like being held.

[TestingTestingWonTooFree]

YANBU

[Babdoc]

There is a difficult conflict of interest here. On the one hand, you want her to be polite to relatives and not hurt her aunt’s feelings.
On the other hand, you want her to develop strong boundaries, and know that she is entitled to refuse any bodily contact that makes her uncomfortable.
I would maybe aim for a compromise, such as shaking her aunt’s hand and responding politely to conversation, while being very clear that no-one should be forced into unwanted hugs.
Surely her aunt would not wish to distress her niece by imposing on her personal space anyway. You do not want to groom your daughter to accept unwanted attention, or you will do her no favours with potential future abusers or pushy boyfriends.

[Almostlegible]

I agree with you.
It’s important that adults show children that it’s ok to reject unwanted bodily contact from another person.
The parents should show the children how to politely and confidently state that the contact is unwanted.
Each child will have personal preferences (e.g. some hate to be tickled) and it’s important they see that their wishes are respected.

[PivotPivotPivottt]

Not unreasonable. I remember as a child and teenager having my mum's elderly aunt forcing kisses and cuddles on me and I hated it. In fact when I was about 21 the same aunt tried to force me to kiss her similar aged cousin. I don't kiss anyone other than my children I don't want to be kissing grown women (or grown men but it's women in my situation). I will never make my children kiss or cuddle anyone. It's probably the forced cuddles as a child that have made me an antisocial anti hugger today. Or should that be non auntie hugger

[PyjamaFan]

YANBU at all. I completely agree with you. Your daughter is allowed to choose who touches her and who does not.

It's the basics of your daughter learning about consent.

[PaperMonster]

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. First lesson in bodily autonomy for a child - you don’t hug anyone you don’t want to. End of.

[LolaSmiles]

YANBU
Forcing children to ignore their bodily autonomy and have their boundaries eroded isn't healthy.

[modgepodge]

@Babdoc

There is a difficult conflict of interest here. On the one hand, you want her to be polite to relatives and not hurt her aunt’s feelings.
On the other hand, you want her to develop strong boundaries, and know that she is entitled to refuse any bodily contact that makes her uncomfortable.
I would maybe aim for a compromise, such as shaking her aunt’s hand and responding politely to conversation, while being very clear that no-one should be forced into unwanted hugs.
Surely her aunt would not wish to distress her niece by imposing on her personal space anyway. You do not want to groom your daughter to accept unwanted attention, or you will do her no favours with potential future abusers or pushy boyfriends.

I think my child’s right to body autonomy and teaching them to keep themselves safe is more important than nothurting an adult’s feelings. How old is the child OP? Sounds young...if so any adult should understand toddlers don’t mean to be rude/impolite and shouldn’t be offended. If old enough to understand they can be taught how to say no politely, possibly with an explanation (‘I don’t feel like a hug right now, thanks’) and this shouldn’t cause offence.

[AmyLou100]

Yanbu. My dh and I stand firmly on this. My ds does not like to be hugged. A very forceful relative insisted on doing this. I addressed this in front of my ds and relative when this happened. Dh backed me up. Relative was very offended. I could give two shits that you are offended, I care more about my ds feeling he can say no and his parents will back that up.

[UnsolicitedDickPic]

Not unreasonable in the slightest. Same goes for tickling. It's my DD's body. If she doesn't like something it's ok for her to say no. Similarly, if she says yes at the start but changes her mind (like when she's being tickled), I tell her it's perfectly acceptable to decide no after she's said yes.

Your DH is being unreasonable.

[joystir59]

I was sexually abused because I was taught to respect and comply with family adults.

[Chloemol]

YANBU. Your husband is being unreasonable. No one should be forced to hug anyone, the child doesn’t want to, end off. All that will happen is they will start to hate visiting auntie whoever as they are being forced to do something they don’t want to