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AIBU?

Texts from ex girlfriend

105 replies

Marshallorchase · 08/03/2021 15:23

Nc for this and not enabling voting as already think I am probably the unreasonable one here.
For context, dh and I have been married 5 years and together 12, we have 2 dc, the youngest is 3months.
Last night dh received a text at 11pm (why so late?) from an old girlfriend, his first love that he dated over 30 years ago now. It was a short message, just asking how he was and had 2 kisses at the end. He showed me first thing this morning as, coincidentally, he had mentioned her the other day and he was surprised to hear from her. I asked him if he was going to reply. I wish I hadn't. Jealousy is my worst trait. It doesn't show often but when it does I dont think as rationally as I should. He said he was as it was like catching up with an old friend, that she checks in every 10 years or so.
I dont think he should message her back. I wouldn't message any of my ex partners our of respect for DH. I dont think anything untoward is happening but we are so tired with the new baby and toddler and I dont have much energy past a quick hug and a chat right now. I don't want him to think the grass is greener.
Also, it's been years, what could they have in common now? It's not like catching up with a mate at the pub, it's talking to someone you were once intimate with. I know I'm showing my ugly flaws here, I'm overthinking and showing some insecurities but would you be ok with it?

OP posts:

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twelveblackboots · 08/03/2021 15:30

YABU. Like he said, it’s just catching up with someone a lifetime ago

Youllbeoldertoo · 08/03/2021 15:31

It’s been 30 years!!! He’s been honest with you. Yabu. Work on your trust issues. Hopefully it’s just down to lack of sleep but come on op!

GreenlandTheMovie · 08/03/2021 15:32

I think its nice to catch up with people and not lose touch with everyone from your past; it shows humanity.

Chloemol · 08/03/2021 15:34

YABU. It’s 30 years ago, just grow up

gamerchick · 08/03/2021 15:34

It's 30 years. If you honestly think he's going to do a runner, grass is greener style then you have bigger problems OP.

Marshallorchase · 08/03/2021 15:34

Thank you, I I definitely need a shake (and some sleep!) I think we just differ on what is acceptable but I know theres no ulterior motive.

OP posts:

RampantIvy · 08/03/2021 15:37

I don't think you have anything to worry about, but why does she even have his phone number? People didn't have mobiles 30 years ago.

tracker222 · 08/03/2021 15:37

Sorry, but I think YABVU. There's absolutely nothing wrong with catching up with an ex like this.

Marshallorchase · 08/03/2021 15:55

@RampantIvy

I don't think you have anything to worry about, but why does she even have his phone number? People didn't have mobiles 30 years ago.

Dh has had the same number for years. I think the last time she got in contact, we had only just got together. He bumped into her in the street and I didn't have a problem then. I wonder wtf is wrong with me now!

OP posts:

Newfor2021 · 08/03/2021 16:01

I’ve had the same mobile number since 1997!

OP, it’s ok to feel jealous..... just don’t act or behave from a jealous place! Maybe talk about this to DH and use it to open up about how much he obviously means to you

Shahira78 · 08/03/2021 16:03

I'm going against the grain here and feel this is a bit weird. What is it she would like? What is it she wants to know? She reminses about them, wants to stay in his life. Wants him to think about her. I dont think you're being unreasonable at all. I would be very pissed off. You are YANBU at all. You are just being wise and others perhaps being a little naive.
I wouldn't dream of contacting my ex every 10 years, unless I felt a little insecure and needed to be in his life and know his business. It's that simple.

suspiria777 · 08/03/2021 16:04

@RampantIvy

I don't think you have anything to worry about, but why does she even have his phone number? People didn't have mobiles 30 years ago.

wow it must suck to be so paranoid.

the OP says they make contact every ten years or so. it's quite conceivable one of them bumped into each other or rang each toher's landline in 2001 and they swapped numbers. I'm still on the same mobile number as in 2001.

RampantIvy · 08/03/2021 16:23

Not paranoid at all.

Marshallorchase · 08/03/2021 16:32

Even though I split with my exes amicably, I have no desire to contact any of them. If I bumped into them on the street (which did happen to Dh and I had no problem with.) then I would say hello etc but I think to text them is different. I remember DH saying one of the times they made contact, he had just got out of an 8 year relationship and she was trying to leave her partner. I didnt ask what happened then but it was before my time!

OP posts:

Marshallorchase · 08/03/2021 16:33

@Newfor2021

I’ve had the same mobile number since 1997!

OP, it’s ok to feel jealous..... just don’t act or behave from a jealous place! Maybe talk about this to DH and use it to open up about how much he obviously means to you

Thank you for your kindness

I will talk to DH but need to just let the feeling pass. We never place demands on each other so it would be silly if me to start now!

OP posts:

Norwaydidnthappen · 08/03/2021 16:35

I wouldn’t like this either OP. 30 years is a long time but I’m curious as to how she even has his number if they split so long ago! Also would be weirded out if an ex from so long ago randomly got in touch, it doesn’t seem to make sense. If they’d maintained a close friendship since splitting then that would be different but messaging an ex out of nowhere after decades of no contact is a bit weird.

VickyEadieofThigh · 08/03/2021 16:47

@RampantIvy

I don't think you have anything to worry about, but why does she even have his phone number? People didn't have mobiles 30 years ago.

That was my first thought.

Marshallorchase · 08/03/2021 16:47

@Norwaydidnthappen

I wouldn’t like this either OP. 30 years is a long time but I’m curious as to how she even has his number if they split so long ago! Also would be weirded out if an ex from so long ago randomly got in touch, it doesn’t seem to make sense. If they’d maintained a close friendship since splitting then that would be different but messaging an ex out of nowhere after decades of no contact is a bit weird.

He's had the same number for years and I assume he passed it on or when passed hers on one of those times he bumped into her. When I flip it round, if I recieved the text, I would be intrigued but they are not in each others lives so what is there to catch up on? I don't know!

OP posts:

Jumpers268 · 08/03/2021 16:53

Nah I don't think he should reply to her. I mean what's the point? It's not like they're close, especially if they speak once every 10 years. So no, I wouldn't be okay with it!

RosieLancs · 08/03/2021 17:00

My (now ex) husband had an ex girlfriend from 22 years earlier get in touch just to catch up, I wanted to appear to be a cool girlfriend not a paranoid one so I was all for them catching up, short end to the story is he left me to shack up with her when I was 5 months pregnant with twins.

Yes it sucks to be jealous and paranoid but sometimes it is your instincts telling you something is up.

Eugenieonegin · 08/03/2021 17:02

As it’s such a long time ago it may be that the catch up is about someone they both knew a long time ago. I had an ex contact me that someone had died tragically that we knew, and he didn’t want me to find out on social media, or from the inquest report. It was appreciated, we caught up and that was it. So it can just come from a genuine good place and be treated as such.

Marshallorchase · 08/03/2021 17:09

@Eugenieonegin

As it’s such a long time ago it may be that the catch up is about someone they both knew a long time ago. I had an ex contact me that someone had died tragically that we knew, and he didn’t want me to find out on social media, or from the inquest report. It was appreciated, we caught up and that was it. So it can just come from a genuine good place and be treated as such.

That's an interesting perspective and something I hadn't considered. I dont think they have any mutual acquaintances anymore but could be wrong.

OP posts:

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Outbutnotoutout · 08/03/2021 17:09

Seems a coincidence he mentioned her, then up she pops on text.

I wouldn't be happy with him making contact, especially while you are both in the throws of small people tiredness, "grass is greener" "memories of a simpler time" "reminiscing of their romance"

Nah

Marshallorchase · 08/03/2021 17:11

@rosielancs that's horrible, hope you're ok!

OP posts:

BIWI · 08/03/2021 17:12

@RampantIvy

I don't think you have anything to worry about, but why does she even have his phone number? People didn't have mobiles 30 years ago.

Yes we did! I got my first one in 1996 - 24 years ago!

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