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Urgh...I feel so mean for saying no to DH :(

(106 Posts)
Moaningmeanie Thu 04-Jun-20 19:47:31

I'm sat here feeling guilty and really mean for turning DH down tonight. He was being very sweet about it and basically said he wanted to have sex. I wasn't mean to him but just politely told him to go and get on with his big night he had planned downstairs as I wanted to watch some netflix (a lie).

He looked really hurt (or maybe shocked because I never turn him down) sad

Back story - we had words last night about him being obsessive about his hobby and he could never make time for me. Tonight he maybe did make time for me, but just for sex, he was planning on spending the evening alone afterwards.

I don't know whether I feel empowered that the tables have turned or just really, really mean sad

OP’s posts: |
AMileInMyShoes Thu 04-Jun-20 19:48:47

What do you mean, "He planned to spend the evening alone after"

Moaningmeanie Thu 04-Jun-20 19:50:01

I mean he wanted to do his hobby stuff and relax in his own downstairs.

OP’s posts: |
Microwaveoven Thu 04-Jun-20 19:50:45

I find this very strange. Don't feel guilty for not wanting sex. It's fine. There's always tomorrow. Or later!! Plenty of time and chances basically.

Did you just not feel in the mood or is it something else? Hence you feeling guilty and lying about 'wanting to watch netflix'?
Why lie?

Moaningmeanie Thu 04-Jun-20 19:51:11

*on his own

OP’s posts: |
Quartz2208 Thu 04-Jun-20 19:52:12

WHy are you feeling mean for basically telling him you did not just want to have sex before he disappeared off downstairs to his hobby

You should be turning him down and stop him taking you for granted. He wasnt sweet you told him you wanted him to spend less time on his hobby and more time on you and he went to sex. Doesnt sound very sweet

Ginkypig Thu 04-Jun-20 19:52:22

So are you saying you had an argument about him never spending time with you and his response the next day is to want a shag from you then still not spend time with you?

WellIdidthatwrong Thu 04-Jun-20 19:52:31

This is odd, I wouldn't like it either. He planned a big night on his own? For after you had sex? Huh?

Quartz2208 Thu 04-Jun-20 19:53:05

why did you lie what did you want? Him to spend time with you

Nihiloxica Thu 04-Jun-20 19:53:13

So he wanted his end away before spending the rest if the evening without you?

That must make you feel so sexy. How could you turn down an offer like that? wink

Moaningmeanie Thu 04-Jun-20 19:53:25

I said it further down, we argued last night that all he seems to want to do in the evenings is spend time on his hobby and he doesn't really want to do anything together. I knew tonight that he would just be asking for sex and then be off downstairs, without spending time together.

OP’s posts: |
ECBC Thu 04-Jun-20 19:53:29

Are you trying to give him a taste of his own medicine by choosing not to spend time with him?

Wearywithteens Thu 04-Jun-20 19:54:53

You are not a sex doll. You should not have to feel guilty or ‘mean’ because you have a mind of your own.

TeddyBeans Thu 04-Jun-20 19:54:57

Making time for you and making time for sex are two completely different things. I would feel completely used in your situation. He's practically saying the only thing worth doing with you is getting into your pants. Don't feel bad for saying no.

Alyssum34456 Thu 04-Jun-20 19:55:19

It is completely normal to not want sex. If this is new to him then he is very lucky and should learn to be ok with it? Being guilted into sex is horrible.

WellIdidthatwrong Thu 04-Jun-20 19:55:21

I'm curious about what the hobby is. Especially if it's something like gaming with friends online, not because I'm dead against gaming but because it's quite sad that he can't spend time with you, and be present for you, but will with others.

I wouldn't feel like a shag either tbh.

Moaningmeanie Thu 04-Jun-20 19:55:50

@ECBC sort of, yes. Also, to make him realise he can't just use me for when he wants me and then get rid of me when he doesn't. I still feel mean though...his face just dropped. He's so used to getting what he wants.

OP’s posts: |
Alyssum34456 Thu 04-Jun-20 19:56:15

It's concerning how many women think their job is to please their partner... it's a mutual thing.

Alyssum34456 Thu 04-Jun-20 19:56:46

The more you write, the more awful he sounds!

Ipadipod Thu 04-Jun-20 19:56:51

So he was nice to you because he wanted sex , with plans to then get on with his hobby ? He’s not really understanding the point is he ?

Nihiloxica Thu 04-Jun-20 19:57:27

Does he feel mean for actually being mean?

Or do your feelings not count?

Ginkypig Thu 04-Jun-20 19:57:52

You shouldn't be feeling bad you should be angry at his treatment towards you moaning!

You are not a sex doll that he can pick up when he needs then set aside when he is done with you!

You are his partner and sex is the result (normally) of a close intimate, affectionate relationship with someone who you spend time with.

He is not being a very nice partner to you at all.

Moaningmeanie Thu 04-Jun-20 19:58:24

But then it's the other side, where I carried on about him not having time for me, but then when he makes a bit of an effort I shut it down.

OP’s posts: |
nikkylou Thu 04-Jun-20 19:59:12

No, don't feel guilty.

You know, it sounds the same here with my DP. Spends his time doing his own thing, leaving me feeling ignored. Have a chat about it. Makes a vague display of 'effort', like initiating some action or coming to curl up on the sofa, then he feels annoyed/disappointed that I'm not in the mood for watching TV/having sex/whatever.

It's like they think the chat fixed things, they then just need to do this one action to 'spend time with you' then go back to their regular life.

So no, don't feel guilty. Insist on real change and effort. Not a singular action that, let's be honest, gets what they want anyway.

Healthyandhappy Thu 04-Jun-20 20:00:51

What's that phrase. Lie bk and think of England? - my mum says this and I dont agree. If u dont wanna u dont wanna but when u say no they take hump and causes more friction. I said no st weekend and he moaned and moaned. Your body your feelings tell him what's point your head isnt in it so u wont enjoy it unless he goes down on u for 15 mins see what he says lol

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