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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel sad that I have to work full time?

26 replies

Dranktoomuchpepsi · 09/05/2020 08:20

I have 1 DC. He will always be my only. He has suspected ASD so quite a few appointments etc. He's utterly gorgeous and I love being with him

However, it has become very apparent that in order for us to save for a mortgage, I need to return to work full time. I currently do 2 days a week.

My type of job only really 'pays out' for full time. Let's say 30k. To do something a bit similar, but part time, you wouldn't get 30k pro rata. You'd get about 18k Pro rata!

So a big jump. AIBU just to feel a bit sad about it all? It isn't even about the current time. Just thinking of when DS starts school. I won't be there to pick him up. I loved my mum picking me up and always felt a bit sad for those who's parents weren't there at pick up it's just an early memory I have.

OP posts:

grecianwomen · 09/05/2020 08:24

Of course you are not unreasonable to feel sad about it.

Though personally I hated the school drop off and pick up - the cliques- I was delighted when I started work to only have to do it once a week, and the only good thing about the shut down is that I never have to do it now.. I much prefer picking my children up from the after school club - no cliques, no pushing through crowds, no standing in the rain.
So much more relaxed and pleasant.

Burplecutter · 09/05/2020 08:25

I work full time and still pick DD up a few days a week with weekends off. I start work very early and leave at 2pm 3 days a week to do the school run, so it's possible. When schools return I'm hoping to work from home more often too so can potentially pick her up 4-5 days a week.

Find an employer that allows flexi hours and or some days working from home. The latter will possibly be much more common in the future because of covid 19.

Original poster

Dranktoomuchpepsi · 09/05/2020 08:29

Thank you. Really hoping I can find an employer who could be open to flexibility with hours or working from home. But I just don't think it'll happen.

I had a thread running about a job that's miles away so I couldn't do it. Because of where we live, our local town (its huge, more like a small city), is really my only realistic option. And my job title only has about 1 job like that advertised per month... If you're lucky maybe 2. If unlucky then maybe 8 weeks!

OP posts:

PubsClubsMinistryOfSound · 09/05/2020 08:41

I think that's perfectly understandable. Would agree your best bet is to try and negotiate some wfh and flexi hours if possible.

Lionsleepstonight · 09/05/2020 08:48

How old is he? Do you have a couple of years to find the full time job, establish yourself and get yourself in a position to be able to work flexibly? COVID 19 is likey to change how we work and potentially offer more WFH jobs, however not many will let you trot off at 2.45 til 3.30 to do the school run. Also, many employers wont let you WFH with small children so he'd have to stay in after school club maybe?

feelingcrook · 09/05/2020 09:09

I was in the same boat as you.

I managed to agree that instead of 37 I'd do 35 hours and then work 8-3 with one long day a week which means I can pick up DS 4 days. It works well and starting work at 8 means I get a lot of the boring admin out of the way before people start to bother me!

The school breakfast club is good and DS loves going; it's a win.

There are lots of flexible employers out there- good luck!

boylovesmeerkats · 09/05/2020 09:13

It's how you feel. I've been part time for many years but going full time now. My kids love the after school club and it's really good for them, we don't have any family around and I think they really like having other adults in their life that aren't teachers and aren't parents they're playleaders and young and fun. Then they started tennis too so I didn't need to pick up at school time on any day. I don't miss it much but my job will be flexible hours so if I really wanted to I could work 7-3 and drive quickly up the road. But I don't think I'd want to be up that early.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 09/05/2020 09:19

I’m sure lots of men don’t relish full time work either and would rather be doing fun stuff but they just have to get on with it.

Having your own home will mean a more stable base for your family than renting as you won’t have to move whenever the LL says so etc.

Not being picked up after school isn’t a big deal so I wouldn’t worry about it. Most do clubs etc anyway so stay later as they get older.

LannieDuck · 09/05/2020 09:51

Is your DH around? Is his work more flexible around PT?

Perhaps he could drop to 4 days a week, so DC will be picked up from school gate once a week?

BanginChoons · 09/05/2020 09:57

I work full time and felt like this, but it turns out I do still pick up my kids, from after school club. They are just as happy to see me then.

EmpressJewel · 09/05/2020 11:42

With all due respect, many people are in a similar situation. They aren't working full time because they want to, but because they have to.

Growing up, my parents worked full time so my Mum would take us to school in the mornings and we would go to a childminders after school. I did miss not having a parent pick us up from school and it was something that I was conscious about when I had my own children.

Now, I have school aged children, I still work full time, but I have negotiated flexible working so that I work from home one day a week and can do the school run one on that day. I plan my week around any school events, so that I can attend school assemblies. I also make a point of ensuring I am involved in the school community. I attend assemblies,sports days and help out with school fairs by swapping my work from home days and making up the time. I make sure we participate in non uniform days, charity events etc. I organise play dates and we had whole class birthday party's in the early years so that we could get to know other parents.

My children have sometimes moaned about going to childcare, but we keep telling that we have to work to provide for them and they know that we do it best to support their school lives.

Many employees are now becoming more flexible and I think lockdown is going to mean that flexiblity on both sides is going to continue.

Original poster

Dranktoomuchpepsi · 09/05/2020 12:24

Empress Actually every parent of an ASD child I've met so far have told me they don't work, or only work PT

OP posts:

Waveysnail · 09/05/2020 12:28

Working with asd child really depends on the child. After much fighting mine are fully supported in school so that's fine. They cope ok with breakfast club so I can.use that. However they dont cope well in afterschool clubs. A childminder would probably be.more appropriate but I chose to adjust my hours so I work over weekends etc to make up time

Mary46 · 09/05/2020 12:45

Hi op not easy. Will school be nearby could you take later lunch to collect? Our boss desperate zero flexibility. Even my days off a major deal

Gemma2019 · 09/05/2020 13:34

It can work well if your son is quite mildly affected and can attend mainstream before and after school clubs and holiday schemes. If he is on the severe end of the spectrum there is zero provision for holiday care, and if you do find some it is so expensive it costs more than you earn. Plus they used to send my son home from school every time he so much as coughed so I would have to rush home to collect him.

I've worked evenings and nights for the last decade so I don't need childcare and it's only in the last year where my DH's job has become more flexible that I have moved back to working more normal hours. I'm lucky that I work for a US firm so can work around the clock.

SoloMummy · 09/05/2020 16:20

I replied to your other post.

paintedfences · 09/05/2020 17:13

Why don’t you think it’ll happen to find a flexible employer? Most large organisations are now - don’t forget when they’re interviewing you, you’re also interviewing them. Read their website and their social media thoroughly before even applying, so you get an idea of who they are.

The3Ls · 09/05/2020 17:16

I work nearly full time and so does husband both 33 hours. But we ve negotiated flex to do most pick up drop offs as I was a in a childminders every morning and after school and I loathed it. Me and my parents are still jot close as if I was upset about something from school I d already talked to childminder. I didn't want that for my kids

Grasspigeons · 09/05/2020 17:38

I think lots of parents, male and female feel sad they cant spend more time with their children and its ok to say that. I would say childcare is easier for younger children (if expensive) and employers are more likely to be flexible around time for school plays if you have a good reputation over a couple of years so my instinct would be full time now might pay dividends in the future not just in terms of savings.

Cam2020 · 09/05/2020 17:47

I felt the same way about working full time OP and I still do, although it does get easier. Unfortunately circumstances dictate I must, so I console myself with knowing I'm doing what's best for my family. Is there any chance you might be able to work one day from home? At least once you'll be able to do the pick up and drop off. My daughter's time is divided between nursery and my mum at the moment, but I can totally relate with what you say about your own memories of being picked up by your mum.

EmpressJewel · 10/05/2020 12:45

OP, I hope you didn't think I have having ago at you. My response wasn't in relation to your child's ASD, it was about your question regarding full time work.

You wrote in you original post that in order to save up for a mortgage you will need to work full time. I was trying to point out that many people have had to make that choice.

I try and focus on what I'm trying to achieve, not what I'm missing eg financial security for my family.

It's not easy.

Papergirl1968 · 10/05/2020 12:53

Have you looked into carers allowance and DLA/PIP?

Original poster

Dranktoomuchpepsi · 10/05/2020 13:10

Empress Oh not at all! Sorry if I came across as snappy

Paper I think that'll be a good shout and may well bridge the gap between paying for after schools etc whilst FT and just working PT. The aim is of course to give DS as nice and comfortable a life as possible.

Since its ASD related though, I doubt there's much point in applying until he's 3. Because you may sound a bit silly at age 2 explaining what extras you have to do, since that's still almost a baby. But at 3, it's more apparent that you really wouldn't be doing that for a neurotypical 3 year old

OP posts:

LockUpYourDrawers · 10/05/2020 13:17

It's hard. The plan to buy a property is a good one but it puts pressure on you. You hope to reap the longer term benefits of being on the property ladder but there's a price.

AnnieCartwright · 10/05/2020 13:19

YANBU to feel sad.

YABU to imply that the rest of us have a choice on whether to work outside the home. We would all dearly love to spend more time with our children, but like you, we have no choice.

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