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AIBU?

To wait to see if this relationship improves after lockdown?

27 replies

Mummieswork · 04/05/2020 04:31

I am divorced and met someone really nice before Christmas.

I am kind of a loud, outgoing, party girl. He's a shy, quiet, homebody. We're completely mismatched in every possible way but it just worked.

At the point we met, I didn't have any interest in a serious relationship. We went on 5 or 6 dates before I even realised I quite liked him and even then, when very straight with him that I liked my single life and wasn't at the point where I wanted a serious partner.

Conversely, he was very forthright about his feelings very early on. He told me he loved me after 2 weeks (to which I laughed and said not to be ridiculous), he talked about our future together, gave lots of compliments.

On both of our parts, the chemistry was mind-blowing.

After spending a lot of time with him I realised I did want a relationship with him, which was awesome. We were having the best time.

Then COVID-BLOODY-19 hit and things changed.

This isn't my home country (it is his) and I am a single parent, far from my family, so I was quite shaken up. I became a bit more emotionally needy and I guess I went from chilled out, fun girlfriend, to being occasionally anxious and upset. He didn't seem to deal with this well at all. He would completely shut down when I got upset and couldn't hide his irritation with it.

We've now been in lockdown separately for a month, with at least another month to go (we're not in the UK) and really from the day we were no longer able to be together physically, I've noticed a shift. He just stopped making any effort. Never said he missed me, no compliments, completely ignored any reference to the 'physical' side of our relationship (which was always fantastic). He isn't really into virtual date nights so that hasn't helped.

Eventually I had enough and asked him what was going on. He said he still wanted to date me exclusively but he didn't know if he wanted me to be his girlfriend (I'm not sure what the difference is??) and that he felt things had changed between us and he wanted them to go back to how they were before COVID-19 (erm yes mate, you and the rest of the world!!).

I told him I wasn't prepared to be demoted so we'd have to break things off entirely if that's what he wanted. I did say that if that were the case then I didn't want to stay in touch, because I'd find it difficult to move on. Eventually after many hours of discussion, he said that wasn't what he wanted and we stayed together (whatever that means when you're in separate lockdowns!).

We're now several weeks later and things are better but not the best. I am finding myself increasingly insecure. I notice things I'd never have noticed pre-lockdown, like how often he's online (always!) but not replying to me, and wondering who else he's talking to. All things that feel very 'teenage-girl', that I'd never notice in normal life when I was always busy and having fun.

I've checked in with him a few times to ask how he was feeling about things and although he doesn't give much away, he always says he wanted to keep being 'together' with a view of picking things up once we can see each other in person again. I'm still not getting anything back when I compliment him or talk about how I miss hanging out with him. That said, we do chat on the phone every day and it is always lovely.

My closest friends are mystified about why I'd want to be with this emotionally unavailable man who wasn't willing to take the rough with the smooth. To be honest I'm not really sure some of the time either. But then we'll chat and it'll be lovely and I'll remember how nice things were before lockdown and I'm hoping I'll get the old version of him back once we're reunited in person.

I don't want to make any hasty decisions while the world has come to a stop, but also I don't want to be messed around or led on. Patience and relinquishing control aren't exactly my strength so I am trying to just ride it out and see what happens.

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Am I being unreasonable?

13 votes. Final results.

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You are being unreasonable

62%

You are NOT being unreasonable

38%

ShallallalAa · 04/05/2020 04:38

If a man makes you feel anything other than cherished, the prize, the light of their eyes... You walk away, whatever the circumstances. Never, ever sell yourself short ie give your self to a man who is unsure, demotes you, is cold etc etc. Dump him, block his number and delete.