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to ask what you think about this situation that my colleague is going mad about?

(51 Posts)
BanKittenHeels Thu 28-Nov-19 15:33:57

I haven’t heard the end of this for the last few weeks, so had to ask your opinions.

My colleague, let’s call her D, was married for around 12 years and split up with her husband 3-4 years ago. They have three children aged 5-10.

Her DH (an ex colleague of mine) has since married the OW (also an ex colleague of mine) and now they have a baby on the way.

They were all at some big family event or another and D over heard her exDH and OW talking about names with a family member.
D immediately pulled exDH to the side to say how the names are completely unacceptable and inappropriate, as they don’t go with their children’s names and that he should take into account their names before picking the names for his new baby.

FWIW she told me some of the names they were discussing and they were all flower names and whilst not necessarily something I’d choose, they all seemed fine to me. D prefers traditional names and all of her children have names Kate and William and the Queen have chosen (plus floral middle names).

She kept going on and on about sending him a list of names that she thought would work, to the point another colleague took her phone off her during our last shift together. grin
But she sent the email anyway.

BanKittenHeels Thu 28-Nov-19 17:41:03

I feel so bad for her and can’t get her to see she is being unreasonable. She thinks we are siding with him because we know him too.

saj90 Thu 28-Nov-19 17:44:08

This is ridiculous! But also quite sad sad
You're right, she definitely needs another outlet.

Hidingtonothing Thu 28-Nov-19 17:48:49

Would she care about the idea that OW will obviously think she's batshit (because she is) and that she and exDH are probably laughing their heads off at her? Just trying to find an angle that might shock her into sanity!

VanyaHargreeves Thu 28-Nov-19 17:50:01

How they name their child is none of her business, however, oddly, I know of two ex wives in my own circles who have had a gob on about what their ex named a subsequent child with someone.

In one case it was because he carried on her middle name tradition with his next child

In the other it was because the childs name was too overtly similar to a cute nickname she used for her child eg if she called him My Bonny Wee Lad, they called daughter Bonnie

BanKittenHeels Thu 28-Nov-19 17:59:07

Would she care about the idea that OW will obviously think she's batshit (because she is) and that she and exDH are probably laughing their heads off at her? Just trying to find an angle that might shock her into sanity!

I actually think that might be a way to go. I’m back in work tomorrow morning and she is on the same shift, so I will try this route.

Aquamarine1029 Thu 28-Nov-19 18:01:25

She is making an absolute fool of herself. I would tell her that, too.

Lllot5 Thu 28-Nov-19 18:05:23

Oh I feel a bit sorry for her. Must be hard listening to your ex thinking of baby names with the woman he left you for. ( I wouldn’t socialise with my ex if you paid me).
Having said that of course she can’t dictate the name. Telling her they’re laughing at her might work. It would just make me angry though.

Countryescape Thu 28-Nov-19 18:07:27

Batshit

wineisnecessary Thu 28-Nov-19 18:09:51

You and your colleagues are clearly not as direct as me as I'd have laughed then when realised she was serious told her quite firmly no love this is seriously not right and definitely not the correct environment to discuss .
Yeah she's making herself look ridiculous.

beminetonight Thu 28-Nov-19 18:11:23

Would she care about the idea that OW will obviously think she's batshit (because she is) and that she and exDH are probably laughing their heads off at her?
OW and XH never respected her. They've been laughing at her well before her marriage ended. I feel sorry for her. She's still not over her XH and now there's a new baby in the mix. While her behaviour is unreasonable, it is understandable. Try to be kind to her.

Beveren Thu 28-Nov-19 18:21:09

Have you asked her how she would feel if it were the other way round and her ex was telling her what names she could and could not use?

Hidingtonothing Thu 28-Nov-19 18:27:27

I feel sorry for her too Bemine, I guess I was thinking cruel to be kind with my suggestion as I would hate to see my friend making a fool of themselves like this. I think I'd thank someone who did it for me too, although later down the line obviously!

Likethebattle Thu 28-Nov-19 18:56:36

She has no say whatsoever as she isn’t the parent and she’ll need to start understanding that pdq x

Fleamaker123 Thu 28-Nov-19 19:10:57

She's not batshit... She's just been treated very badly and this is the consequence. I feel so sorry for her

TheWaiting Thu 28-Nov-19 19:22:32

I think the Ex DH and his OW should both have changed jobs. How awful that your colleague needs to face either of them daily.

About 15yrs ago I taught in a school where one of the dads left his wife and two young daughters for one of the mums in the class. She left her husband and kept her daughter with her. They moved in together and he would sometimes turn up to pick up the daughter of the girlfriend as he was now living with her shock His own daughter on a couple of occasions got excited to see her Daddy only to realise he’d come to pick up her classmate instead. sad These two girls will both be adults now and I sometimes wonder what sort of relationship that little girl now has with her dad.

Winterwoollies Thu 28-Nov-19 21:49:21

I too, feel very sorry for her. We’ve all acted a bit irrationally when our hearts are broken. Having to have a permanent connection to him via her own children and having to see him and the OW at events while they plan their future children would drive a fair few people potty. She needs kindness and support and gentle guidance. She’ll heal and get beyond it.

BanKittenHeels Fri 29-Nov-19 00:17:11

I think the Ex DH and his OW should both have changed jobs. How awful that your colleague needs to face either of them daily.

They are both ex colleagues.

Beveren Fri 29-Nov-19 07:48:58

She's not batshit... She's just been treated very badly and this is the consequence.

We don't know how she's been treated or, in particular, whether it was one-sided.

BanKittenHeels Fri 29-Nov-19 12:08:27

She was treated very poorly in the fall out of her husband cheating on her with her colleague/friend. She has kept things together very well until now, although she had a lot of support until recently when two of her closest friends moved away.

I think it can be easy to get fixated on seemingly small things but most of us keep it in check and in our own heads. I’ll be trying to talk to her about it today. He ex husband doesn’t work on our ward anymore but he works in the same hospital and I just hope it doesn’t become gossip.

Bluntness100 Fri 29-Nov-19 12:15:32

She's not batshit... She's just been treated very badly and this is the consequence. I feel so sorry for her

As much as I agree with the latter part of your statement, that she's been treated badly. I think simoly that the pregnancy has deeply unsettled her. She's clearly not coping with it, so she's trying to take control so she doesn't feel pushed out. She wants to feel she's a key part of it. But the truth is, she's not.

But sadly the behaviour is batshit. There is no way round that. Her marriage ended years ago, she can't be trying to name their kid. No matter how badly she was treated.

GruciusMalfoy Fri 29-Nov-19 12:23:09

Hoooooo boy.

She's clearly still hurting, and I feel for her for that. But this is not normal, and she needs somehow to come to terms with the fact she has no input into this baby's life. It's going to be very hard for her come to terms with her children having a sibling who has nothing to do with her, but she needs to accept it at some point. Like you say, OP, I'd be worried about her reaction becoming gossip.

PicsInRed Fri 29-Nov-19 12:28:25

“complete with functioning hinges"

I'm stealing this. 🤣

I would imagine that she experienced a profound trauma and is regularly re-exposed to it at work (as they all worked together), including when thoughtless prats invariably ask after ex/OW and that this is the manifestation of that ongoing trauma.

MorganKitten Fri 29-Nov-19 22:31:49

She’s mental

BarrenFieldofFucks Sat 30-Nov-19 08:56:14

He sounds like an utter arsehole,having that conversation in front of her. And for numerous other reasons too obviously.

testing987654321 Sat 30-Nov-19 09:20:20

I would suggest to her that she doesn't socialise with him and the new woman. Why put herself through that?

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