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To not want to be banished upstairs?

(124 Posts)
mahoganies Tue 12-Nov-19 21:07:32

My boyfriend and I live together. He hasn't seen his friends (or me) in two weeks as he's been away, he got back on Thursday. On Friday he had his best friend over because he needed "one on one" time with him and "lad" time. He'd promised we'd have a night in together, but his friend arrived at 3pm and didn't leave until almost 1am. He said that he's make it up to me by having a night in the next night, which we did. He initially asked me and my son to go out whilst he was over, but I refused, so I had to stay upstairs instead. My mum has my son that night so it was just me upstairs. Then on Sunday, he had the same friend round again and another friend because he needed that time with them for the sake of his mental health, I again, had to stay downstairs whilst they were here for hours. He then informed me around an hour or so ago that his friend would be coming over tonight (the friend that came on Sunday, not his best friend) because he needs one on one time with him, meaning again I'll have to stay upstairs in the bedroom. His best friend is now currently over, he's apparently only popped over for a cigarette. I'm upstairs now again, because they are having time downstairs.

I've been a bit put out by this but he thinks I'm being unreasonable and that he would do the same if I wanted friends over. AIBU for being annoyed by this? I'm upstairs now pretty pissed off as I have to be upstairs now, then I can go back down, then I'll have to be back up when his other friend is here later.

HeronLanyon Tue 12-Nov-19 21:10:01

YANBU. Slightly in jest I’d say he sounds like a dealer there’s so much toing and froing and you banished upstairs !
Out your foot down, reclaim your house. Suggest he go out if he needs to meet on own with his friends so often !

mouse26 Tue 12-Nov-19 21:10:56

Seriously? If he wants 'lad' time can't they go somewhere else? I wouldn't dream of expecting dp to stay upstairs if a friend came round.

EKGEMS Tue 12-Nov-19 21:11:01

Since when did you sign up to be a second class citizen? They can go out someplace if 1:1 time is needed. You live there you have rights. Tell your BF to shove it

ShawshanksRedemption Tue 12-Nov-19 21:11:58

I would not be happy with this if I were in your shoes. Could he not go round to his friends instead or go out?

Is his mental health an issue OP, as you say he needs this time with friends? How is your relationship otherwise?

mahoganies Tue 12-Nov-19 21:11:57

His reasoning behind not going somewhere else is because we live with his parents and they are away on holiday. He said it's nice to use the space and that usually he's go out somewhere.

Butterymuffin Tue 12-Nov-19 21:12:24

I'd say 'I'm tired of being stuck upstairs, so I'll stay here thanks, but if you want a private chat you can always go out somewhere'.

Was it previously just his place and then you moved in? It's still rude, but more understandable. If not then it's outrageous.

coconutpie Tue 12-Nov-19 21:12:41

Tell him that if he wants 1:1 time, they can go out to the pub or wherever. He does not get to banish you from part of your home. I suggest you reconsider this living arrangement.

mahoganies Tue 12-Nov-19 21:13:33

His mental health isn't great, but also not terrible. His childhood pet died and he's feeling like his life is boring at the moment, he's away a lot and hasn't made many friends so he's feeling lonely at times.

In terms of our relationship, I don't know. I'm at a point where things don't feel good and I am not as happy. I'm hoping it's just a phase. He thinks we're stronger than ever.

ShawshanksRedemption Tue 12-Nov-19 21:13:38

It's nice to use the space

But you don't want to be sent to a different room. Have you told him how you feel?

mahoganies Tue 12-Nov-19 21:15:29

I could go to the other sitting room too but it's just the whole idea of not being allowed in another room I object to. He said he'd be fine with me popping in to get a drink and having a ten minute chat.

I mentioned that I'm not a fan of it, but he said if I said "please fuck off out, I want some time with my girlfriends" then he would do it. He said he doesn't understand my standpoint because he wouldn't feel the same if the roles were reversed.

MorrisZapp Tue 12-Nov-19 21:16:14

How old is your son? How long have you lived with your boyfriends parents? This all sounds weird as hell.

ShawshanksRedemption Tue 12-Nov-19 21:16:47

It does sound like he wants a bit of a double life - time with his mates being a lad with you banished, but with you to fall back on when they are not around.

Also as it's his parents house I'm guessing he feels it's more his space than yours (and you may feel like that too, or you'd assert yourself more and not take yourself off when his friends are over).

What do you want from the relationship going forward OP?

mahoganies Tue 12-Nov-19 21:16:51

My son is one. I've lived with him and his parents for two months.

CalmdownJanet Tue 12-Nov-19 21:18:32

Did he actually use the words "one on one time" confused and ^ that many times. Very strange, not just the wording, which seems a bit odd/intense for me but how much one on one time can he possibly need that you can't even be around on your own home? Very odd. Yanbu

Ragwort Tue 12-Nov-19 21:19:32

Do you live together or are you just sharing a bedroom at his parents’ house?
Where does your DS live?
How long have you been together?
Sounds a very odd set up, did you have your own home before you started living with your BF & his parents?

mahoganies Tue 12-Nov-19 21:19:41

I don't want to assert myself because every time I raise an issue, i just end up feeling worse about it. I feel like this is just as much my home as it is his. I contribute more than he does.

I'm not sure what I see. We've been together for a while now and I didn't think that he was the 'one', I was certain of it. But now it is just a huge question mark. I don't know what I think or feel, I'm generally unhappy but I don't know if that's about our relationship specifically or life itself.

ShawshanksRedemption Tue 12-Nov-19 21:19:46

*he wouldn't feel the same if the roles were reversed."

But it's been every other night since he got back. I can't imagine anyone being happy with being banished, and so frequently too!

ShawshanksRedemption Tue 12-Nov-19 21:21:20

I don't want to assert myself because every time I raise an issue, i just end up feeling worse about it

Why - what happens when you raise an issue?

mahoganies Tue 12-Nov-19 21:21:18

We share a room at his parents house, but they aren't here much at all so often it's just me and my son or just me, my son and my boyfriend. My son lives here and has his own bedroom.

mahoganies Tue 12-Nov-19 21:22:21

Usually, but not always, he gets upset and it becomes about his feelings. I think it may be because I can broach subjects in an attacking way so he becomes immediately defensive and upset by what I've said/how I've said it. It's something I'm working on.

Drum2018 Tue 12-Nov-19 21:23:14

Time to bin him. He sounds horrible.

Peanutbutteryogurt Tue 12-Nov-19 21:23:21

How much one on one times does he need with his friends confused sorry but this sounds really bizarre.

PinkiOcelot Tue 12-Nov-19 21:24:17

Agree with Morris. Weird as hell.

Also, needs 1 on 1 time for his mental health. Weird as hell as well.

Expressedways Tue 12-Nov-19 21:24:28

This is ridiculous. If he wants 1:1 time with the friend then he needs to go out. This living arrangement with his parents, your son and him acting like a teen with a free house is bizarre and I’m guessing it’s creating an odd dynamic as it’s not your house and he’s taking advantage of that.

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