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Not going to kids party after accepting invitation

(186 Posts)
Donkeydoodles Mon 21-Oct-19 11:49:44

My 4 year old was invited to 'Child A's' birthday party the other week. I know the mum from a group of mums I hang about with but our kids don't really know each other. It was very kind of her to invite my daughter and we accepted.

In the mean time my daughter has been invited to a nursery friend's party (Child B). This is someone she's good friends with and she's desperate to go.

I think we should probably go to Child B's party as she barely knows Child A and we were probably only invited out of politeness as all the mums socialise. Child A probably won't be disappointed that my daughter isn't at her party, as she probably doesn't actually know who she is! However, I feel it's pretty poor form to now say we can't go to because we essentially 'got a better offer'.

I really like Child A's mum and don't want to be a d*ck. Is it unreasonable to tell her we can't come because we've been invited to another party?

Idontlikeitsomuch Wed 23-Oct-19 18:12:25

Good grief.
grin

SalrycLuxx Wed 23-Oct-19 16:47:57

Go to child A party. You accepted, it’s rude to cancel for a subsequent engagement, and you can do something with child B some other time.

TatianaLarina Wed 23-Oct-19 16:29:51

Who is the other two? Op's dd and B? If you really think the feeling B and Op's dd feel if she goes to A's party is equivalent to what A might feel if she ditch A's party and go to B's, we can never understand each other.

Good grief.

itsmecathycomehome Wed 23-Oct-19 16:09:52

Going to the first party you accept is just the right, kind thing to do.

You could probably justify dropping it in favour of Child B's party but it involves quite a lot of supposition - Child A probably won't mind, probably no one else will drop out, probably Mum A will be fine about it and so on.

Better just to do the right thing imo. You'll know which option is the right thing to do because it requires no justification whatsoever.

ThatMuppetShow Wed 23-Oct-19 15:58:10

I really doubt A's mother is relying on a child she doesn't even know to make her daughter's party a success. I doubt the child cares if OP's DD comes to her part or not seeing as she doesn't know her

hardly the point, and it's quite sad that people find it easy to justify rude behaviour.

I actually think it does matter, to show manners and a bit of respect for others. It's a shame so many people still try so hard to find justifications and arguments why it doesn't apply to them.

obligations Wed 23-Oct-19 15:26:39

Some of the comments on here are completely excessive:
"You are telling her you got a better offer and you want to go instead of a second-rate party"

"incredibly bad form"

"not caring for 4 year old's feeling"

I really doubt A's mother is relying on a child she doesn't even know to make her daughter's party a success. I doubt the child cares if OP's DD comes to her part or not seeing as she doesn't know her

Let's look at it logically:
Mum A invited OP's DD as a way of being friendly to the OP (not really to do with the children, therefore no feelings or hurt involved on their part)
OP accepted as a way of reciprocating Mum A's friendliness

Mum B invited OP's DD as she's friends with child B.

Therefore, this is actually about the adults, not the dcs. OP, if you know the Mum I'm sure it will be fine. I would hate to be friends with someone who wouldn't just want my DD to be happy - and I certainly would not see her not coming to the party of a child she doesn't know as any kind of slight or betrayal unless I was so over-invested in the friendship that I was treating a child's party as a major social opportunity. In which case I'd give myself a stern talking to.

When my dcs were small I sometimes invited the dcs of friends to their parties. Sometimes they came, not always. Sometimes they said that as their dcs wouldn't know anyone, it might be best if they didn't come. Once or twice something else came up for them - all fine. I always asked and said I'd understand if they didn't want to come. I can barely remember at this stage because to my children the important thing was that the children they were actually friendly with were there.

Idontlikeitsomuch Wed 23-Oct-19 15:06:58

"It’s odd that you’d care about hurting one child and not the other two. But hey ho."

Who is the other two? Op's dd and B? If you really think the feeling B and Op's dd feel if she goes to A's party is equivalent to what A might feel if she ditch A's party and go to B's, we can never understand each other.

TatianaLarina Wed 23-Oct-19 14:52:17

This. My DDs didn't really express an interest in the guest list until after they started school. The girls in question haven't started school. I wouldn't be at all surprised if child A doesn't even know that the OP's DD was coming to her party.

Exactly. I remember my 4th birthday party, it’s the first I have recall of. I remember the chocolate cake, the design on the paper plates and cups, my dress. I don’t recall having any input into the guest list or the theme.

TatianaLarina Wed 23-Oct-19 14:46:38

You not caring for 4 year old's feeling doesn't bother me. But A might.

You not caring for two 4 year olds’ feelings doesn’t bother me. But they might. It’s odd that you’d care about hurting one child and not the other two. But hey ho.

‘Don’t really know each other’
‘Barely knows‘ [A]
‘Probably doesn’t awfully know who she is’

Talkingmouse Wed 23-Oct-19 14:28:32

Go to child party A. You have already accepted.

Explain with apologies to mum B. Get a birthday play date in the diary now with child B, for a few days after the party. Give present and nice tea, with craft activity or something they would both like.

NotMyFinestMoment Wed 23-Oct-19 14:20:20

*Bloomburger
How incredibly rude. How would you like it if you put on a party, people accepted and then started dropping out and lying.

You accepted the other invitation first and it would be incredibly bad form if you didn't go.*

^ This.

Lizzie0869 Wed 23-Oct-19 14:14:36

Given that OP’s child and girl A don’t know each other she’s hardly likely to find out she went to another party. She’s 4. She may not even know who’s been invited.

^This. My DDs didn't really express an interest in the guest list until after they started school. The girls in question haven't started school. I wouldn't be at all surprised if child A doesn't even know that the OP's DD was coming to her party.

But the OP's friend could well be hurt, especially if other mums followed suit.

Idontlikeitsomuch Wed 23-Oct-19 14:14:10

How do you know? Op says mums hang about together as a group, but their kids don't really know each other. She never said A doesn't know OP's dd.

Like I said, each to their own. You not caring for 4 year old's feeling doesn't bother me. But A might. We never know. That is the biggest issue here, that you may potentially hurt someone. Why can we all speculate? Op is not being unreasonable to ask questions, but you are.

TatianaLarina Wed 23-Oct-19 13:57:04

But you don’t care about your DD’s feelings or DD’s friend’s feelings, simply random child A because you’re projecting all your social anxiety onto her.

Given that OP’s child and girl A don’t know each other she’s hardly likely to find out she went to another party. She’s 4. She may not even know who’s been invited.

Idontlikeitsomuch Wed 23-Oct-19 13:17:04

"This is not about manners, it’s about social anxiety."

No it's not. It's about caring for other people's feeling. As for me, I wouldn't care about what other people think about me, I care about what child A feel, if Op's dc cancelled A's party and went to B's party. They are not mature enough to keep it a secret.

Idontlikeitsomuch Wed 23-Oct-19 13:10:50

TatianaLarina, I think we need to agree to disagree. In my eyes, it's a great opportunity to extend friendship with someone who she never really knew. And if she hasn't accepted the invitation yet, it's totally ok to choose friend over someone she barely knows.
I think different from you, and you different from me. Perhaps you never had experience like that, being let down, and that's fine. And you can call me socially paranoid all you like, but I care for what other person, especially a 4 year old child feel. I think there is nothing wrong with that, do you? You say it's one child, but how do you know? If everyone thought that way, it's only one, so it really doesn't matter?

TatianaLarina Wed 23-Oct-19 12:54:16

What people cry on this forum is neither here nor there.

If the children are all at school together and know each other it’s a slightly different issue. When two school friends have a party on the same day and half the class choose one over the other it’s tough.

That is not the case here. It is one child. And the party girl doesn’t actually know the child.

And as for manners on here - posters ‘lose their shit’ in Asda, ‘call people out’ in the street, and charge for drinks at weddings. This is not about manners, it’s about social anxiety.

itsmecathycomehome Wed 23-Oct-19 12:38:16

"Nor is it a question of a whole class choosing another child’s party."

"OP has said the child will not be disappointed."

You don't know this for sure and neither does op.

Every time an upset mum posts here to say that people are dropping out of her child's party, the universal cry is 'what a load of heartless bastards.'

Well maybe they're not. Maybe, like op, they all just think that the party child won't care and they won't be missed because everyone else will still attend.

It's never too early to teach good manners and a bit of integrity imo.

TheOrigRightsofwomen Wed 23-Oct-19 11:29:58

Some posters are reacting strongly to this thread

I think these might be the people who have been the parent of child A. There are loads of threads on here describing how people have dropped out at the last minute. It's not nice.

Lizzie0869 Wed 23-Oct-19 10:31:54

Some posters are reacting strongly to this thread, I think this is because they're forgetting that the children concerned here are only 4 years old, so it's very unlikely that child A is going to feel rejected if the OP's DD doesn't come to the party. They barely know each other! Instead, it's a case of the OP knowing her mum.

As you did accept the invitation, I think you should stick with that and arrange a play date with child B. But I can't imagine being offended if a friend came to me with a similar dilemma. Not when the 2 girls barely know each other.

TatianaLarina Wed 23-Oct-19 10:16:20

A invited her maybe because she wanted to be friend with her. And she accepted it.

A’s mother invited her because she is friends with the OP. OP has said the child will not be disappointed as she didn’t really know who DD is.

In that circumstance it’s perfectly ok to say that a close friend is having a party on the same day and DD is desperate to go to that.

It’s not a question of a ‘better offer’ or ‘second rate’ and only the very socially paranoid would think like that. Nor is it a question of a whole class choosing another child’s party. It is one child, for a particular reason.

Idontwanttotalk Wed 23-Oct-19 09:17:18

I think you should attend A's party because you accepted the invitation and you need to teach children to honour commitments that are made.

Perhaps you shouldn't have accepted an invitation where your child doesn't know A but it is done now. Maybe your child and A will turn out to be best friends with each other.

If you have since had the invitation to child B's party you should automatically have responded that you have a prior engagement.

ThatMuppetShow Wed 23-Oct-19 09:13:45

I really cannot understand the need for such rudeness and drama, it's a 4 year old party.

You get an invit for a day you've already made plans, you decline, and if the 2 kids are such good friends, you take them both to McDonald or get a couple of cupcakes and have a playdate at home to celebrate the little friend's birthday.

Why making life so complicated or make yourself look like an entitled and rude idiot?

Idontlikeitsomuch Wed 23-Oct-19 09:07:42

"She’s 4, she’s got plenty of time in her life to make new friends..."

Obviously, but that is not the point though. A invited her maybe because she wanted to be friend with her. And she accepted it. Even 4 year old feel hurt, don't you think? It's a difficult situation for parents of 4 year old who really don't understand the consequences. But then it's parent's responsibility to make it right, or at least try to minimize the pain other child feels. Each to their own, but I cannot but to think about what does my child feel if same thing happened to them.

MyOtherProfile Wed 23-Oct-19 09:05:56

I always tell my kids we stick with the first arrangement made unless there's a very good reason to back out.
Child A is someone your DC will be with for years in school unless you move so I would stick with that.

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