Not going to kids party after accepting invitation

[Donkeydoodles]

My 4 year old was invited to 'Child A's' birthday party the other week. I know the mum from a group of mums I hang about with but our kids don't really know each other. It was very kind of her to invite my daughter and we accepted.

In the mean time my daughter has been invited to a nursery friend's party (Child B). This is someone she's good friends with and she's desperate to go.

I think we should probably go to Child B's party as she barely knows Child A and we were probably only invited out of politeness as all the mums socialise. Child A probably won't be disappointed that my daughter isn't at her party, as she probably doesn't actually know who she is! However, I feel it's pretty poor form to now say we can't go to because we essentially 'got a better offer'.

I really like Child A's mum and don't want to be a d*ck. Is it unreasonable to tell her we can't come because we've been invited to another party?

[Trillis]

Seriously, your DD is 4 and her and child A barely know each other. I would simply be honest with child A mum, apologise ,and say that your DD is desperate to go to party of child B, who she is really good friends with and that you accepted before you realised there would be a clash.

By all means get a small present for child A anyway, but I think your DD is still a little young for this sort of lesson, and may well be upset if the others at nursery talk about the party and she feels she has missed out.

[Shelby2010]

None of the children will remember a week later, but the parents will. If this is a group of mum friends that you like then this is a good chance for your dd to integrate into the group. Stick with the invite you have accepted.

[TatianaLarina]

I’ve never felt fear at my children’s birthday parties.

I think some posters are projecting their own issues.

[TatianaLarina]

If I had invited a child my DD didn’t know and she had an invite from a close friend, I would say it was completely fine and mean it 100%.

[Ginger1982]

And how are you going to feel if Child A's mum finds out you went to Child B's party instead?

You accepted the invite for A's first. You go to A's party.

[TatianaLarina]

None of the children will remember a week later, but the parents will

I still remember my 4th birthday party and I’m nearly 50.

[Whoops75]

No need for a life lesson at 4yrs old

Plus 3 weeks is way to early to send invitations for a birthday party.
Was mom A trying to get all the guests first??

Tell her you forgot the other party was on and had promised dd she could go to that one. Why should your dd go to a party to save your mistake. That would be really mean if you, B is her friend !!!

You made the mistake she shouldn’t have to be the one upset.

[Oblomov19]

Many people take their kids to both parties. I know quite a few mums that did.

I took Ds2 to one party. Gave a present. (Isn't that the main thing the host kid cares about? 😉)

But had already text mum/told her I was leaving early because Ds2 was also invited to 'Ben's' party.

Easy. No lying. Best of both worlds!

[ThatMuppetShow]

Plus 3 weeks is way to early to send invitations for a birthday party.

I completely disagree, it's completely standard most families make plans and won't be available for last minute invitations.

Especially when parents book a venue or some entertainment, why on earth would they wait to tell their guests? might as well invite them when you know it's on.

Was mom A trying to get all the guests first??
as in, trying to invite them before they made other plans? Isn't that what invitations are designed for in the first place?

[ThatMuppetShow]

Many people take their kids to both parties.
how on earth could that work when parties are at the same time? Sounds ridiculous.

[notdaddycool]

Go there for an hour then go to the other one.

[howabout]

Leaving a 4 year old's party early when it's at their house and you will be noticed is really bad form.

Has no-one ever experienced a party where everyone just pops in to show face and the host is left waving them all off at the door with a table of uneaten food and not enough guests for the games? Turning up late and making a show of yourself / standing left out in the corner at the 2nd party is just as bad.

I have a friend who always block books her visiting. Wouldn't be so bad if she had any sense of time. She usually arrives late and spends the whole visit checking her watch. Eventually I have become a lot less inviting. It's not decent behaviour to encourage in your children imo.

[user1493494961]

Child 'A', as you accepted first.

[SunshineAngel]

This is a difficult one. I normally say whatever you commit to first you should do, but at the same time I think it's so unfair on your child that they don't get to go to their friend's party because they have to go to another one of a child they barely know.

If the issue is more that YOU are friends with mum of Child A, is there nobody else who can take your child to the other party, and you can still go to that one? I don't know your situation, but this could be a good solution I think, as you're still supporting your friend, but your child also gets what they want, too.

[itsmecathycomehome]

I honestly don't know how this is a debate.

You go to the one you accepted first, which is particularly true in your case op because it is a new friendship group for you.

Your dd is 4 and will have many more parties and friendships ahead of her, and this dilemma will be a complete non-event very soon.

If you tell Mum B why you can't attend she will see you as an honourable, kind person with a sense of decency and integrity.

If you tell Mum A why you can't attend she will nod and smile and say it's fine, but form a negative opinion nonetheless.

[TatianaLarina]

You go to the one you accepted first, which is particularly true in your case op because it is a new friendship group for you.

OP is not the one going to the party. You do not decide your DC’s social engagements on the basis of who you are trying to be friends with.

[ThatMuppetShow]

OP is not the one going to the party. You do not decide your DC’s social engagements on the basis of who you are trying to be friends with.

you know you are talking about a 4 year old right?
Bit young to be left in charge of their social calendar....

[misspiggy19]

If I had invited a child my DD didn’t know and she had an invite from a close friend, I would say it was completely fine and mean it 100%.

^This

[itsmecathycomehome]

"OP is not the one going to the party. You do not decide your DC’s social engagements on the basis of who you are trying to be friends with."

No but most people on the fringes of a new friendship group would want to avoid being known as the dickhead who cancelled for a better offer.

[TatianaLarina]

Except it’s not a better offer it’s simply a clash with the party of a close friend of DD. And anyone with a modicum of intelligence and social nous should be able to navigate that effectively.

[ThatMuppetShow]

And anyone with a modicum of intelligence and social nous should be able to navigate that effectively.

yes, you tell your daughter that you are already going to a party, done.

[itsmecathycomehome]

"Except it’s not a better offer it’s simply a clash with the party of a close friend of DD."

Someone I like better : the very definition of 'better offer'.

"And anyone with a modicum of intelligence and social nous should be able to navigate that effectively."

Is this an unnecessarily rude comment directed at anyone on here who says it's out of order, thus ironically revealing your own social shortcomings?

[obligations]

If I was the mum of Child A and someone explained nicely and politely that unfortunately there was a clash with a birthday at your child's nursery and so she won't be able to attend I absolutely would not hold it against you. I'd think that to do so would be a far worse social shortcoming than to cancel in the first place.

Of course the 4 year old child likes her friend better than a child she doesn't know.

[itsmecathycomehome]

But what if everyone who has been invited to both birthdays does that?

OP thinks she'll be the only one to do it, and that her dd won't be missed, but nobody knows that for sure.

[Blondeshavemorefun]

3w is def not too early to send out invites

Esp if want people there

People make plans at weekends so notice is needed