Not going to kids party after accepting invitation

[Donkeydoodles]

My 4 year old was invited to 'Child A's' birthday party the other week. I know the mum from a group of mums I hang about with but our kids don't really know each other. It was very kind of her to invite my daughter and we accepted.

In the mean time my daughter has been invited to a nursery friend's party (Child B). This is someone she's good friends with and she's desperate to go.

I think we should probably go to Child B's party as she barely knows Child A and we were probably only invited out of politeness as all the mums socialise. Child A probably won't be disappointed that my daughter isn't at her party, as she probably doesn't actually know who she is! However, I feel it's pretty poor form to now say we can't go to because we essentially 'got a better offer'.

I really like Child A's mum and don't want to be a d*ck. Is it unreasonable to tell her we can't come because we've been invited to another party?

[Applesanbananas]

And besides if you cancel now she will have more than enough notice

[Mama1980]

Absolutely go to child As party. You've accepted that invitation, I wouldn't have told you dd about child B other than to say you couldn't make it as you've already committed to child A.
You don't cancel for a better offer.

[Drabarni]

I'd send mine to the party I accepted, but I think it's important to give the right message, a lot of parents don't seem to do this though.

[winewolfhowls]

Most definitely go to A. No brainer. It's so mean to dump someone who obviously wanted a closer relationship because they invited you to a party for another.

[BrassTactical]

If think about this selfishly. Child A is a mum friend which you need long term. You drop out, you’re already new = possible expulsion from group.

Child B is a nursery friend, either they’ll go to different schools and she’ll never see her again or they’ll go to the same school and she’ll get loads of future opportunities for parties with her.

Keep to child A, buy your DD off with a birthday play date with child B at another time.

[BrassTactical]

Oh and don’t worry about your DD being disappointed, she’s 4, she’s easily bribed and if (like me) you have more than 1 kid, they are going to have to miss stuff and be disappointed A LOT.

That’s just as good a life lesson as the social acceptance of not cancelling at this age!

2 life lessons in 1 hit

[ThatMuppetShow]

How rude to even consider it.

You received an invitation, you were happy enough to accept it and treat your child to the party.
Then something which you think is better comes along, so you just change your mind.

Very rude and nasty frame of mind. I know in the grand scheme of things, it's just a party, but you will feel differently if it was your child. If everybody does the same, so what then?
Person A could have invited someone else, but you took the spot.
Person A might have low attendance in the end - but warned when the invit' were sent, could have organised something different.

I can't bare people like that. If you don't want to go to anything, just decline. It's very easy - you can always make up an excuse.
Keeping your options open without any regards for anyone else is just rude. Unless emergency or valid reason, it's an awful attitude. If you commit, you commit.

The day same things happen to your kid you might think differently.

[ysmaem]

Just be honest. Tell Mum A the situation and that your daughter wouldn't want to miss her friends party. I highly doubt Mum A will be miffed that you can't go.

[Marinemarie]

Your husband comes home from work this evening and say "we're going to Robs on the 9th, it's his birthday", you realize that it's your BFFs birthday on the 11th, she texts you an hour later "Having an early b'day party on the 9th - see you then"
WHAT DO YOU DO?
Cancel on your BFF, or cancel on DHs mate Rob?
That’s entirely different. They’d both be adults so her DH could go with Rob and she could go with her best mate. OP can’t go to child A’s party while her DD goes to child B’s

[SchadenfreudePersonified]

So I'd say you've only jsit realised there's a clash and you're very sorry. Get 4 yo to take a small gift to child a after class near her bday.

I was going to say exactly this, but sleeping beat me to it.

Gives you a get out and a little gift shows you care.

[TatianaLarina]

I’d just tell her the truth. That DD’s been invited to a party by a close friend on the same day. Close friend will be upset if she doesn’t go, would mum mind as your kids aren’t close friends?

If she’s arsey you can still go, but if she clearly genuinely doesn’t mind there’s no harm done.

[RedskyToNight]

Your husband comes home from work this evening and say "we're going to Robs on the 9th, it's his birthday", you realize that it's your BFFs birthday on the 11th, she texts you an hour later "Having an early b'day party on the 9th - see you then"
WHAT DO YOU DO?
Cancel on your BFF, or cancel on DHs mate Rob?

... or actually this doesn't happen because my BFF has already checked the date with me in advance, because she really wants me to be there?

[TatianaLarina]

I'd say you've only jsit realised there's a clash and you're very sorry. Get 4 yo to take a small gift to child a after class near her bday.

Won’t work as the other mums in the group will know the second invite came after.

[ThatMuppetShow]

So some of you are happy to "send a message" to a FOUR YEAR OLD that her friends don't matter, and that YOUR friends do?

or just tell your 4 year old that you have already accepted another invitation and you can't be in 2 places at once....

WHAT DO YOU DO?
Cancel on your BFF, or cancel on DHs mate Rob?*
As I haven't accepted the 2nd invitation but merely received a message, tell friend that I already have plans that night... And in the real world, DH would ask me if I am free before accepting an invitation on both our behalf.

[notangelinajolie]

My DD would be going to Child A's party. I can't believe you are even asking this question. You accepted the invite from Child A and that is the one your DD should go to.

Politely decline Child B's invitation and explain why. Tell the truth - lies always backfire.

Your DD is only 4 - she won't remember/be traumatised by this. Do not draw her into all this by asking her which party she wants to go to, you know what she will say. Simply tell her she is going to Child A's party because Mum A asked first. Flitty, switchy mums are annoying and rude - don't be one of them.

As a mum of 3 I can tell you there are going hundreds of parties your DD will be invited to - put this down to experience and make a note of a potential date clash for next year.

[Donkeydoodles]

ThatMuppetShow: "rude to even consider it"? "A rude and nasty frame of mind"?

It's obviously a tricky one that divides opinion, as evidenced by the range of opinions on this thread.

I don't see how weighing up two options and trying to look at things from multiple points of view makes me such a terrible person.

[ThatMuppetShow]

That DD’s been invited to a party by a close friend on the same day. Close friend will be upset if she doesn’t go, would mum mind as your kids aren’t close friends?

any polite adult will gracefully tell you that it's absolutely fine, what else can they say. I sincerely hope they would never ever bother inviting the child though, which will be a shame if there are class parties and so on in the future.

[TatianaLarina]

I highly doubt Mum A will be miffed that you can't go.

Of course she won’t, it’s not that big a deal.

[notangelinajolie]

Also adding that I would buy a present for Child B and give it to her mum when you explain your DD can't go to the party.

[ThatMuppetShow]

Donkeydoodles
not a terrible person, but not a very polite and considerate one either.
You have accepted an invitation, as far as I can see it, you have made a commitment. Unless emergency, it's just rude to change your mind because you have a better offer.

Can you not picture your own reaction if the same thing happens next time you throw an invitation? You get 20 yes, you finalise booking, but the week before, 15 get a better offer?

[RedskyToNight]

So some of you are happy to "send a message" to a FOUR YEAR OLD that her friends don't matter, and that YOUR friends do?

You're not saying the 4 year old's friends don't matter. You're just saying that 4 year old friendships (which are transient anyway, by the time the party comes round OP's DD may have fallen out with B and be best buddies with A) are not the centre of the universe.

We were once invited to a wedding of someone the DC had never met. We accepted the invite (yes, on their behalf) and a few weeks later one of them was invited to a party on the same day. Did saying "sorry we're going to a wedding that day" in response to the party invite, mean that I thought my friends were more important than the DC's? or just that there is an accepted way to do things?