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Not going to kids party after accepting invitation

(186 Posts)
Donkeydoodles Mon 21-Oct-19 11:49:44

My 4 year old was invited to 'Child A's' birthday party the other week. I know the mum from a group of mums I hang about with but our kids don't really know each other. It was very kind of her to invite my daughter and we accepted.

In the mean time my daughter has been invited to a nursery friend's party (Child B). This is someone she's good friends with and she's desperate to go.

I think we should probably go to Child B's party as she barely knows Child A and we were probably only invited out of politeness as all the mums socialise. Child A probably won't be disappointed that my daughter isn't at her party, as she probably doesn't actually know who she is! However, I feel it's pretty poor form to now say we can't go to because we essentially 'got a better offer'.

I really like Child A's mum and don't want to be a d*ck. Is it unreasonable to tell her we can't come because we've been invited to another party?

NotMyFinestMoment Wed 23-Oct-19 14:20:20

*Bloomburger
How incredibly rude. How would you like it if you put on a party, people accepted and then started dropping out and lying.

You accepted the other invitation first and it would be incredibly bad form if you didn't go.*

^ This.

Talkingmouse Wed 23-Oct-19 14:28:32

Go to child party A. You have already accepted.

Explain with apologies to mum B. Get a birthday play date in the diary now with child B, for a few days after the party. Give present and nice tea, with craft activity or something they would both like.

TatianaLarina Wed 23-Oct-19 14:46:38

You not caring for 4 year old's feeling doesn't bother me. But A might.

You not caring for two 4 year olds’ feelings doesn’t bother me. But they might. It’s odd that you’d care about hurting one child and not the other two. But hey ho.

‘Don’t really know each other’
‘Barely knows‘ [A]
‘Probably doesn’t awfully know who she is’

TatianaLarina Wed 23-Oct-19 14:52:17

This. My DDs didn't really express an interest in the guest list until after they started school. The girls in question haven't started school. I wouldn't be at all surprised if child A doesn't even know that the OP's DD was coming to her party.

Exactly. I remember my 4th birthday party, it’s the first I have recall of. I remember the chocolate cake, the design on the paper plates and cups, my dress. I don’t recall having any input into the guest list or the theme.

Idontlikeitsomuch Wed 23-Oct-19 15:06:58

"It’s odd that you’d care about hurting one child and not the other two. But hey ho."

Who is the other two? Op's dd and B? If you really think the feeling B and Op's dd feel if she goes to A's party is equivalent to what A might feel if she ditch A's party and go to B's, we can never understand each other.

obligations Wed 23-Oct-19 15:26:39

Some of the comments on here are completely excessive:
"You are telling her you got a better offer and you want to go instead of a second-rate party"

"incredibly bad form"

"not caring for 4 year old's feeling"

I really doubt A's mother is relying on a child she doesn't even know to make her daughter's party a success. I doubt the child cares if OP's DD comes to her part or not seeing as she doesn't know her

Let's look at it logically:
Mum A invited OP's DD as a way of being friendly to the OP (not really to do with the children, therefore no feelings or hurt involved on their part)
OP accepted as a way of reciprocating Mum A's friendliness

Mum B invited OP's DD as she's friends with child B.

Therefore, this is actually about the adults, not the dcs. OP, if you know the Mum I'm sure it will be fine. I would hate to be friends with someone who wouldn't just want my DD to be happy - and I certainly would not see her not coming to the party of a child she doesn't know as any kind of slight or betrayal unless I was so over-invested in the friendship that I was treating a child's party as a major social opportunity. In which case I'd give myself a stern talking to.

When my dcs were small I sometimes invited the dcs of friends to their parties. Sometimes they came, not always. Sometimes they said that as their dcs wouldn't know anyone, it might be best if they didn't come. Once or twice something else came up for them - all fine. I always asked and said I'd understand if they didn't want to come. I can barely remember at this stage because to my children the important thing was that the children they were actually friendly with were there.

ThatMuppetShow Wed 23-Oct-19 15:58:10

I really doubt A's mother is relying on a child she doesn't even know to make her daughter's party a success. I doubt the child cares if OP's DD comes to her part or not seeing as she doesn't know her

hardly the point, and it's quite sad that people find it easy to justify rude behaviour.

I actually think it does matter, to show manners and a bit of respect for others. It's a shame so many people still try so hard to find justifications and arguments why it doesn't apply to them.

itsmecathycomehome Wed 23-Oct-19 16:09:52

Going to the first party you accept is just the right, kind thing to do.

You could probably justify dropping it in favour of Child B's party but it involves quite a lot of supposition - Child A probably won't mind, probably no one else will drop out, probably Mum A will be fine about it and so on.

Better just to do the right thing imo. You'll know which option is the right thing to do because it requires no justification whatsoever.

TatianaLarina Wed 23-Oct-19 16:29:51

Who is the other two? Op's dd and B? If you really think the feeling B and Op's dd feel if she goes to A's party is equivalent to what A might feel if she ditch A's party and go to B's, we can never understand each other.

Good grief.

SalrycLuxx Wed 23-Oct-19 16:47:57

Go to child A party. You accepted, it’s rude to cancel for a subsequent engagement, and you can do something with child B some other time.

Idontlikeitsomuch Wed 23-Oct-19 18:12:25

Good grief.
grin

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