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To be pissed off, or is he a CF?

(111 Posts)
Roxette Mon 09-Sep-19 15:44:52

Partner and I have been together for about 18 months, and we've just moved in together (I bought the house, we live in it together with my 2 kids, and his dog).

He works away a lot, and I have responsibility for the dog whilst he is away. I work 3 days a week, so we have a dog sitter who comes and collects the dog on those days and looks after her until I'm home. He pays for this, and it works fine. On the 2 days I don't work, I look after the dog.

At the moment, he is working away for 5 weeks. Mostly back on weekends, but not this weekend. This weekend, I'm also working on Saturday morning. I'm out of the house too long to leave the dog by herself. We talked about it this morning, and he suggested that we either get the dog sitter to have her (which is a reasonable suggestion, and I'll do that to check her availability), or "perhaps on one of your days off this week you could meet one of the people from borrow my doggy and see if they would be suitable to have her, then you can drop the dog with them on Saturday morning before work".

AIBU to be pissed off with this? The dog is lovely, but the amount of responsibility is like having another child! I feel completely dumped on to sort her out when she isn't even mine. However, I do feel guilty moaning about it because I've got 2 kids who he helps out with when they are around, although I don't expect him to look after them for days at a time.

AIBU?

AmIThough Mon 09-Sep-19 15:47:02

You're being a bit unreasonable. You want him to accept the children as family so you need to accept his dog as family too.

How long have you both known he was going to be away this weekend?

What dog is it? How old? And how long are you out?

GrumpyMiddleAgedWoman Mon 09-Sep-19 15:48:05

I think yabu, but not entirely. He should sort out his own dog, but he helps with your DC and you knew he came with the dog. On the other hand, what would he be doing with the dog if he didn't live with you?

Disfordarkchocolate Mon 09-Sep-19 15:48:27

I dog is like having a toddler for life. What did he do before you moved in together?

Roxette Mon 09-Sep-19 15:49:29

Re this weekend, it hadn't been decided if he was going to come back, or if I was going to go to him. I don't think either or us had remembered to sort out the dog! So he could come back, and look after her himself, otherwise if I go down to visit him where he is currently based (3 hours away) we need to sort out something for the dog whilst I work.

Dog is a small mixed breed, I'll be out of the house at least 5 hours.

AryaStarkWolf Mon 09-Sep-19 15:49:55

I think he is BU, if he works away that much i don't know why he got a dog in the first place really

Roxette Mon 09-Sep-19 15:51:28

Well, yes, I do feel a bit dumped on that he swans off and does his work, and it's me left sorting the logistics of what happens to the dog. I wouldn't go off and expect him to look after the kids.

Before I came along, if he was working he either get his then GF to have the dog (in a different county - they had a long distance relationship and she had the dog for a few months) or he got friends to have the dog.

Roxette Mon 09-Sep-19 15:52:16

I don't think he was working when he got the dog, so I guess it wasn't such a problem.

DriftingLeaves Mon 09-Sep-19 15:52:59

You want him to accept the children as family so you need to accept his dog as family too.

No. Children are humans dogs are just dogs.

AryaStarkWolf Mon 09-Sep-19 15:54:24

I don't think he was working when he got the dog, so I guess it wasn't such a problem.

ah ok, for the record, I think the dog would be fine in the house for 5 hours as a once thing

HollowTalk Mon 09-Sep-19 15:54:58

He needs to have the dog rehomed. Why he thought it was a good idea to have one when he doesn't spend much time at home is anyone's guess.

I wonder whether he's a CF in other respects, too. Why did you decide to live together if he's rarely there? Did you lose out financially when he moved in?

AmIThough Mon 09-Sep-19 15:55:45

If it's a small dog, is there someone who could just pop in once to let him out for a wee? Even a neighbour or something? Or is it more if he gets bored he'll start destroying things?

@DriftingLeaves you've clearly never had a dog. If my DP and I were to split and I met someone else I'd be very clear that the dog was part of the equation.

AmIRightOrAMeringue Mon 09-Sep-19 15:56:56

I dont think he is a CF, I think it was just an oversight and it's harder for him to sort out when he's not around. Just have a chat and ask him to sort it out himself next time hes working at the weekend

Mrsjayy Mon 09-Sep-19 15:57:53

He really need s to organise the dog doesn't he ? You probably have enough to do with work and children that he should be sorting the dog out it is now a family pet imo but your partner is taking advantage

Roxette Mon 09-Sep-19 15:58:50

@AryaStarkWolf possibly she would be ok for 5 hours, but work doesn't always finish on time so I'd worry she would be there for longer. (For the record, he doesn't like her to be alone for more than 4 hours at a time...)

@AmIThough yeah it's more the wee thing. She's usually as good as gold and not destructive, but she does get quite stressed when left by herself and tends to have an upset stomach for a couple of days after. She's a bit sensitive.

pooopypants Mon 09-Sep-19 15:59:45

A dog is a dog. An animal. Not a person. But HIS responsibility. He needs to sort something longer term.

HollowTalk Mon 09-Sep-19 16:00:23

For the record, he doesn't like her to be alone for more than 4 hours at a time

And yet he is hardly there!

Roxette Mon 09-Sep-19 16:01:22

Why did you decide to live together if he's rarely there?

Otherwise we live 3 hours away from each other. His job is hit and miss. If he works away it'll be for a 4-6 week stint, and then he will often have a month off with no work afterwards. Ideally he gets work in the town we live, but that doesn't always work out.

Did you lose out financially when he moved in?

Yes and no. I lost all my tax credits. But he pays half the bills. Those two amounts are approximately the same.

DontForgetToDeadhead Mon 09-Sep-19 16:07:14

If you are living as a family then surely you both muck in with dogs, children and everything else?

If he doesn't pull his weight in general though, then you have a problem.

dollydaydream114 Mon 09-Sep-19 16:08:47

Personally I think that when you move in with someone, a dog becomes your joint responsibility. If my partner had had a dog when I moved in with him, I'd have considered it 'our' dog, not 'his' dog. But if you feel differently, you need to discuss that with your DP and set out responsibilities with him.

Five hours is about the longest I would ever leave a dog, so if that was the longest you were going to be out, I'd have said that would be OK just as a one off - but I see you said 'At least' five hours so is it likely to be much longer than that?

Rainycloudyday Mon 09-Sep-19 16:08:48

His lifestyle sounds like a bit of a nightmare for owning a dog. I would also question whether his travelling so much and for so long will make it quite challenging for your children to get used to living with him as part of a blended family, but I recognise that wasn’t the purpose of your post!

Hecateh Mon 09-Sep-19 16:13:56

Did you lose out financially when he moved in?

Yes and no. I lost all my tax credits. But he pays half the bills. Those two amounts are approximately the same.

So you lost out - same money - extra adult and dog to feed and provide for

ArgumentativeAardvaark Mon 09-Sep-19 16:15:46

He should not own a dog with that lifestyle. What was he thinking? Interesting you say his previous GF often looked after it- sounds like there wasn’t much of a gap between you either. Looks like he just finds successive mugs to look after his mutt while he swans about.

DuchessOfDukeStreet Mon 09-Sep-19 16:25:02

He's being really U to suggest his 'sensitive' dog's palmed off on some total random from Borrow My Doggy and even more U to suggest that YOU make all the arrangements.

if the dog sitter can't take her then is there a boarding kennel nearby? It's never a bad idea to have a familiar place you can leave the dog in an emergency and a short day's a good chance for her to get to know somewhere near without too much stress. He pays, obviously.

Drum2018 Mon 09-Sep-19 16:29:37

Do you consider the dog as his dog or as the family's dog? IMO If it's just his dog then he needs to rehome the dog as he's not there enough of the time to look after it. Therefore it's unfair to expect you to look after it and organise a minder when you're unavailable. If you consider it a family pet then you need to organise minders as if it's your own.

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