AIBU to refuse to help with this lift?(153 Posts)
I'm trying not to dripfeed so I'm going to do bullet points to make it simple.
* Charlotte (not real name) has asked for a ride next week that will take between 1 and 1.5 hours one way.
* Charlotte needs ride to sort next stage of interview process but would be working in same place.
* Charlotte can't drive.
* Public transport will take anywhere from 3 hours to 5 hours with 2 to 6 changes and/or multiple walks between stops of between 10 and 30 minutes.
* Shifts may mean she can't take advantage of the shorter 3 hour journey times.
The way I see it, based on the above, if this was part of the process only with the job being local then I would be more than happy to help her as a one off. However given that at very best she can expect to commute 3 hours each way I can't see how this job can be viable. Charlotte maintains it is quicker by public transport than it is by car and she would be able to sleep (despite possibly 6 transit changes).
But is it really my place to make that decision? It feels like it would be a huge waste of time to take essentially a day out of my own schedule for something that realistically is not going to work. The company does not have any expansion plans locally and she is 1 month into a 12 month tenancy agreement (as well as having kids at secondary school).
I want to help but at the same time helping on this feels futile. Aibu to say no? And do I say why or make an excuse?
Surely the interview is the ideal time to check out the actual commute she's going to do?
Surely if it's quicker by public transport than by car, she will be keen to use that for the interview ... ?
If she’s happy to take public transport to work, why can’t she test it out for the interview to see if it’s viable?
Sounds like lunacy unless Charlotte is willing to relocate and no one could stick a three hour commute each way for long
Mumsnet Bingo - no is a complete sentence.
Let her do the batshit public transport journey and come to the conclusion it is just not feasible.
Charlotte needs to move or look for a different more suitable Job and also learn to drive.
You need to tell her it’s not viable in the long term.
I’d give her the lift- it’s not your call.
You’d give her a lift happily if the job was closer to home, so why not just because of the circumstances?
Why is she asking you?
It's not your place to decide if the commute would be viable for her, that's her decision. But it is up to you to decide if you want to put yourself out for her.
If it's easy by public transport, it's easy for the interview.
Anytime I've started a new job I've tested the commute by doing it before the first day. She should try the public transport option by trying it before the interview. She may well decide that the interview is pointless.
Does she have to attend a number of interviews to not get any benefits sanctioned? does she secretly know she wont get the job or it wont be suitable but she has to pretend it's for her?
Just wondering why else she would consider it, you can get a long way in an hour's drive.
Seriously who the fuck commutes 3 hours to and from work every day
Noone because its absurd. If they do its because they earn billions and choose to commute but probably do it by private plane 🤷♀️
She needs to see for herself that a 3 to 5 hours commute is just not viable, and she won't do that as long as there are people willing to drive her.
If she gets the job, can see the threads from her colleagues trying to get out of lift giving arrangements.
Is she looking for interview practise and just using you for that, I wonder. She can’t possibly be considering a commute that long. And how much will it cost?!
Charlotte maintains it is quicker by public transport than it is by car
Why does she need a lift then?
Charlotte is mad if she thinks this is going to work well for her day in, day out … I agree with poor - the interview is the perfect time to check out the commute travel. Why would she get a lift to the interview, only to find out when starting the job that, actually, I can't hack this every day?! Using public transport to get to the interview will help her work out whether she's willing to put up with it for the job. I think I would be advising her to check out the public transport tbh: I think she's being ridiculously naïve. You don't work from home, do you? This isn't something where she's going to end up regularly asking you to take her to work, is she, saying it's too much for her on PT?
Charlotte maintains it is quicker by public transport than it is by car
I'm confused how she can think this, when it's 1-1.5 hours drive, but 3-5 hours by PT? Am I reading this wrong? You said the best she can hope for timewise is 3 hours each way
She can’t seriously be contemplating the job unless it’s double the salary or something. I would imagine this is interview practice as Rosa says. I think you should gently tell her it isn’t feasible.
My DH did a round 3 - 3.5 hr commute for a year and a half (no he didn't earn billions, it was either that or being unemployed). After a few months it was affecting his health so in the end we moved house.
YANBU - she needs to experience the commute for herself.
Surely the interview is the ideal time to check out the actual commute she's going to do?
I'd just say take the public transport - she'll be able to see if it really is viable. It's really her responsibility, not yours.
She needs to get to the interview using the transport the would have to use to get there then she can experience what it's like to do this kind of journey.
She will also find out just how much it costs getting there and back.
But if it’s 1 - 1.5 hrs one way then for you to give her a lift is - up to 1.5hrs plus waiting around time then up to 1.5hr back again. That’s not doing a simple favour that is giving up as you say most of a day.
It’s too much of an ask for a job, even if she were offered it, that would be unsustainable.
Unless she is planning to get a licences? Or a moped, motorbike if she gets the job?
Charlotte is clearly your dd
YANBU, if she doesn't even want to make the journey for the interview then it's not viable for an actual job. Don't waste your time.
Say no. It’s a great opportunity for her to rest out the commute
Why would she need a lift to a place where she will work 5 days a week especially when she says that it is quicker on public transport?
If she thinks it will be quicker on public transport let her crack on.
that makes no sense.
Either it's commutable, or it's not.
At a push, having more frequent transport morning and evening but nothing during the day would be possible and make sense to ask for a one-off lift.
3 hours TOTAL is unfortunately quite common. People have bills to pay an can't afford to live centrally.
3 hours EACH WAY is ridiculous. Become a lodger for a few nights a week would be the cheapest option, but depends on your salary.
Charlotte is an adult (with secondary school kids, so not young and naïve) and it is not your decision to make if the job is viable. If she wants to waste a day at an interview when she might not be able to accept the job that is her decision. Worst situation is she gets some interview experience which is valuable if she is job hunting. You've told her you don't think it is viable leave the decision to her now.
Your decision is purely whether you give her a lift or not. I would perhaps offer, if it was convenient, to drop her somewhere where she can make an easier transport connection.
Dunno about the lift but I would either take Charlotte to the doctor to check her brain function or optician to check she can read a timetable.
I'm imagining Charlotte is a new graduate that knows everything? Or a teenager, that won't listen.
I don't understand how a 3 to 5 hour complex commute on public transport is a, viable on a day to day basis, or b, quicker than a 1 to 1.5 hour drive .
I might offer her a lift if I had the time to spare and the interview was distant, but the job was local, but that doesn't appear to be the case?
Charlotte may have been forced into the interview situation by the Job Centre or whatever they're called now (been out of the UK for 10 years now). But Charlotte should not be contemplating taking this job at all, unless she plans to learn to drive.
I think I would represent strongly to Charlotte the lunacy of considering this as a viable job option under the current circs, but IF she is being constrained to go to the interview for benefits reasons, I would probably cave and take her.
I'd say no. It sounds like a silly commute with so many changes and it being long. If it was one or the other, fine, but both? How could you be arsed. She needs to get there herself to see if she can do this on a day to day basis.
@TremblingFanjo a teenager with secondary school kids?
Charlotte maintains it is quicker by public transport than it is by car
In that case, definitely refuse the lift and urge her to get public transport
She'll almost certainly fail to get there on time - if at all - and that'll be the end of that
I agree with others that she should go on public transport, if she's willing to do it for the job on a daily basis. Who is Charlotte? Just a colleague? A friend? Your daughter? My answer changes a little based on that (I might be willing to do it as a one off for a close family member).
If Charlotte thinks it will take less time by public transport then I would suggest she does the journey by public transport.
Sounds like lunacy for her to even consider the roleunless she's prepared to relocate.
I'd say no. Otherwise, if she gets the job she'll then expect you to do this on a regular basis.
Sounds like Universal Credit have told her she has to attend or she'll be sanctioned for x months.
Crap though it may be for you, if she is unable to get there for the interview, she will also be sanctioned for not going - I can see why she's
talking rubbish because that will be what they've told her.
Isn't that just typical? The one day she needs a lift is the very day your car has to have its MOT.
Well your excuse is that you don’t want to take a whole day taking someone to an interview and then waiting around for them. Especially as they’ve said it’s quicker to go on public transport!
I’d also agree with previous posters that’s Charlotte needs to practise the reality of the commute in case she does well at interview.
(Happy dance - first time I've ever had a thread in trending!)
I'm going to start by replying to specific questions.
@Jellybeansincognito - The way I'm looking at it is that if it was something that was worthwhile then that's a decent use of my time. The fact that I (and thankfully many other mumsnetters) can see that it's a futile exercise is a waste of my time basically. But your comment that it's not my call is why I've come to the mumsnet hive mind.
@Maybeitsmaybelline - I'm not sure on that to be honest. She doesn't currently work but would DWP/Job Centre really expect someone to go to these lengths with regards to looking for a job? It's supposedly her dream job.
@RockyRolly - Fair comment. The job isn't the best paid in the world, £30K basic salary but the uplifts and benefits available aren't sparkling (imho and certainly not for a 6 hour round commute daily).
@pasturesgreen - That is a good point that I hadn't thought about, though I doubt there would be many (if any) of her potential colleagues who are local to me.
@RosaWaiting - According to the RAC mileage calculator it will be around £40 for the round trip not including wear and tear on car.
@Gitfeatures - I guess she wants a lift to be safe? I know in the distant past I attended interviews in my car even where I intended to use public transport during the week.
@Piffle11 - You've hit the nail on the head there. I don't work from home as such but I do run my own business. I hadn't even given it much thought that she'd be that much of a CF to ask for a daily ride - eep that's just crazy and would cost me far more than the £40 petrol. That would be an absolute no go but I can imagine in winter it might become a distinct possibility she asks for a ride because of poor transport options. The main part of the journey (if she can get the quickest option) is a 50 minute train ride. This includes a 30 minute walk the other end and doesn't solve the 1 hour journey to the local rail station.
@Coffeeonthesofa - This is why I'm hedging about it, because it isn't just a simple favour and it doesn't really seem like it's going to pay off for her anyway. While her ultimate plan might be to get even a moped license, as it stands right now, the family don't have the money for such endeavours.
@SagAloojah - If she was my daughter I'd give her a clip round the ear to knock some sense into her. My oldest is only 8!
@Brokenwing - that is a very good idea that I'll need to take a look at to see if any of it is viable for me to take her. The irritating point is that mileage wise it isn't far, it's just the road conditions which include single track lanes!
@TremblingFanjo - sadly not, she's around 10 years older than me.
@BarbaraofSevillle - exactly I wouldn't hesitate if it was going to be for a local role.
@ThumbWitchesAbroad - she certainly hasn't told me that it's due to benefits demanding she goes, but can they realistically do that anyway? There are plenty of other jobs in the local area so it isn't a case of this being the only role available.
@MummytoCSJH - she's recently joined my church. I've spent maybe around 30 hours with her max. I'd definitely be willing to do it for a family member if only to say "I told you so!" at the end! :P
@MitziK - I think if she tells me she'll be sanctioned for it then I would be more inclined to help but she's not shared that with me if it is the case. I would also be advising her to contact our MP to complain about such nonsense.
To anyone I've missed I'm sorry, to everyone else who's taken the time to comment thank you. I think you're all right who are saying that she needs to face the reality of the commute.
If she's not your daughter then tell her no.
Why on earth are you roped into her job and transport if you're not even going to that area?
I wouldn't have the cheek to ask anyone to do that (and I don't drive). I'd make my own way.
Say no. This is madness.
I wouldn't do it, but if you truly felt you should, I would tell her you expect the £40 in fuel costs up front. And make it clear this is a one-off, if she were to accept a job so ludicrously far away from where she lives when she doesn't drive/own a car, you won't be taking her to or from work. Ever. You have you own job and life.
I would say that by her making her own way to the interview it would give her a good insight into how long the journey is as she can’t expect people to give her a lift all the time, maybe she should look at learning to drive.
Public transport will take anywhere from 3 hours to 5 hours with 2 to 6 changes and/or multiple walks between stops of between 10 and 30 minutes.
Is this each way? Or total travelling a day? I did 2.5hrs door to door each way so 5hrs a day for a year and it was brutal. It made me fat, from eating convenience food, on top of having no time for anything else.
That level of travel is not sustainable.
When it comes to UC, if they tell you to stand on your head whilst wearing a pink frilly tutu and singing a song about a goblin, you do it.
The travel requirements for a suitable place are 90 minutes. Whilst the actual rules may say 90 mins by the usual method of transport, if an individual advisor decides that this means car, perhaps because they asked 'how did you get to your last job?', it's a massive risk to argue with them, as they can simply say she has failed to comply with her job seeking requirements and is therefore sanctioned for a period of 91, 182 or 1,095 days (the latter if she's fallen foul of them before).
I presume she wants a lift back too so you’d have to wait around for the interview, which is presumably at least an hour? So that’s around 4 hours out of your day? I’d say no for that reason alone!
3-5 hour commute each way so potentially a 10 hour commute on a bad day? Is she off her tits?
what makes her think she has grounds to ask such a favour of you?
What favour will she offer in return, or will she try and take a mile once you've given an inch?
If it were just for the interview, and the actual job was more local, then maybe yes (providing she re-imburses petrol costs).
However, the job is there also. It’s not practical. She may expect you to take her in when she is running late (accidentally missed the train/overslept, feeling poorly, bad weather etc.).
Commuting that distance will cost money also. Can she afford it?
Also, rush hour traffic is worse than normal traffic, so the time could be longer.
I think it's a waste of time and not practical in the long run. Just say no, it's not viable.
I really don’t think the DWP are enforcing this, their expectation of travel is an hour each way not 6 per day!
That’s a massive ask
I wouldn’t do it as she’s not someone close
Why has she asked you?
How long will it take out of your day? Is that losing you money?
How much petrol will it take?
The interview, the madness of the commute, whether she will manage public transport if she gets the job, and anything else to do with it has absolutely no baring on the decision to drive her or not.
Simply put, a newish acquaintance, Charlotte, has asked you to drive her somewhere next week that will take nearly 3 hours round trip. Regardless of the reason for the trip, are you willing to drive her that distance? I'd be saying a firm No. You don't need to faff about with excuses or explanations. You simply say 'No, I'm not available to do that'.
Confused why she thinks it’s quicker and easier by public transport but is asking you for a lift?
Also that commute is absolutely bonkers, it would be utterly exhausting and not what anyone wants after a long shift. She needs to look for more local jobs or learn to drive or both.
Tell her you can’t commit to that amount of time. How long do you think it will take out of your day?
She's asking you to do a 3 hour round trip and she barely knows you. Just say no.
Wow, you have massively over analysed this😂😂 You are allowed to say no when someone asks a favour. Were you genuinely unsure of what to do?
I don’t think you should even try to explain the logistical pita of this for a commute. It’s not your decision.
But ... I’d be in China that day.
You can get a train fron london to Edinburgh in under 5 hours. How far is she travelling???
Seriously though, I’d have a chat with her and explain that you are happy to help out, but point out that unless she can drive (and has a car) then it’s probably not practical.
But the train from London to Edinburgh is a high speed train that goes there directly with limited stops.
So completely different to a regional commuter train that travels much more slowly, stops here, there and everywhere with walking and waiting time every time you change from one train or bus to another.
The OP mentions up to 6 transit changes, so you only need a 10 minute walk and/or wait each time to add an hour to the journey and you could be waiting much longer than that if the next bus or train is only every hour or half hour.
If she is on UC or an area that is still under JSA then yes, the DWP would require her to apply to prettt much any and all jobs available, go to any and all interviews she gets regardless of the distance and take literally any job as if she turns one down she won't be entitled to anything. It's shit. I think she can claim travel expenses back, or you used to be able to. She shouldn't however be relying on you to do the trip and she seems excited about the prospect of this job. Try to explain she needs to get used to the commute. She's practically a stranger!
You'd be insane to agree to this. If she doesn't drive, then she has to accept the limitations that come with it. Even if she did drive, the commute sounds bonkers anyway.
What happens if she does get the job? Will she expect you to become her personal chauffeur every day? Nip this craziness in the bud now by just saying 'no'.
She should only beg a lift for interview if she’s actually planning to move house if she gets the job
Charlotte should be more realistic with her expectations. She should get a job closer to home and learn to drive .
Then and only then should she be looking for jobs further away . Charlotte is being a cheeky sod if she expects you to drive her .
Don't go out of your way for her.
She'll want a lift from you everyday as well if she gets the job.
So she's just an acquaintance?!
Someone you barely know has asked you for a lift which will take up a good chunk of your day.
Everything else is irrelevant surely...?
"No, I won't be able to give you a lift. Hope you get it sorted. Good luck!"
Regarding whether or not the DWP would ask you to do this, the answer is "yes they would". A friend of mine in the UK was asked to do just this more than once, or face sanctions. Thankfully she wasn't offered any of the positions that were so far away! At least the employers had the sense to see that it wasn't a viable option.
But as far as this person goes, you've said it's her "dream job" so maybe she IS trying to get it and make it work - but in reality she isn't going to be able to, it's insanity to even consider it.
Have you had another chat with her yet?
she's recently joined my church. I've spent maybe around 30 hours with her max
So, no, no, no and a bit more no.
I don't work from home as such but I do run my own business.
Sorry Charlotte I can't drive you because I have to work. Hope you work something out x sent by text.
Charlotte thinks your work isn't real. You need to stomp on that immediately.
Remember it isn't your problem to solve. If she starts guilt tripping you do not engage! Any solution you can think of, she can think of herself. Your stock phrases can be like Gosh that does sound difficult and oh dear, poor you. and I'm sure you'll work something our. and finally oh well, I guess it just isn't meant to be.
Didn't rtht but Charlotte should make her own way to the interview as a practice commute.
* To anyone I've missed I'm sorry, to everyone else who's taken the time to comment thank you. I think you're all right who are saying that she needs to face the reality of the commute.*
So does this mean you will be telling her you will not be able to help - whatever the circumstances re UC/JSA?
I'm amazed that someone you hardly know is asking such a huge favour, especially if she thinks * it is quicker by public transport than it is by car* - I can't understand her logic there. Has she even offered to pay your petrol for the journey or does she think she is "just" asking for your time?
Be prepared, if you did decide to help her this time, that she feel encouraged to ask for more of the same if she got the job.
YANBU at all.
No, I'm not available to do that'
This ^^ to the lift.
Charlotte is relatively new aquaintance. Charlotte can sort her own transport out to and from her interview.
She's silly to think a 3 -5 hour public transport commute either way each day is doable, but Charlotte is clearly in her 30s/40s and can make her own decisions.
But .... asking you for a lift, a 3 hour round trip solid driving (£40 in petrol!?!) and then expecting you to waste your day as you also sit waiting round in middle during her interview...(a further 1 hour or longer if has assessment stages in it), well... that's equally mad.
No way. Charlotte's one CF and if it's her dream job she can get herself there.
OP, are you coming back?
Has she offered money?
Have you actually said you’ll take her!
As others have said, it's not your call to say whether the commute is viable or not if Charlotte gets the job. That's up to her. Obviously you can discuss it, offer an opinion, tell her she's crazy...
The lift is up to you, that's all you need to decide on. Do you want to give her lift or not?
I would assume that she intends to move to where the new job is, surely? Once she has it locked down, I mean.
So the best public transport option is a 50 minute train with an hour’s walk one end and 30 minutes the other. I’m guessing the other options involve buses at one end or both, as well as a slower train.
The walk could be reduced by changing it into a cycle, say a third or a quarter of the time. That would still make it a long commute, but comes into the realms of possibility. Brompton folding bicycle?
None of which changes the fact that OP is not in any way shape or form obliged to give the lift for the interview. Have you given her an answer, OP?
Churches can be lovely supportive places, which can lead to massive CF-ery by some new people.
I'd decline by being busy that day with an appointment etc, a flat out no is going to cause trouble in a church environment. You can be very sad you're unable to help and offer to pray for her.
Just say if public transport is quicker get that. If she would be working in the same place she absolutely needs to do the journey in the way she'd do it if she got the job. Otherwise you risk her keeping coming up with reasons why you need to take her.
I'm guessing you are a SAHM or work from home and "Charlotte" thinks she can persuade you to be her taxi because she "took the job and didn't realise how bad it would be, doesn't want to let them down.. etc"
I think you have to kindly, but firmly, say 'no'.
I have read that she has recently joined your church, and as a church member myself, I am aware that people do often do favours for each other as it is part of what makes a good community. But I have also noticed that some people do take advantage of other's good nature and are clearly exploiting the kindness and generosity of others .... and these people then often move onto a church to see who they can ask favours of .... that sounds unkind and I am sure that most church members are very kind and generous, but just be aware.
Why does she want a lift rather than go on public transport?
I’m amazed that the potential employer even gave her an interview knowing how far away she lives. If it’s 1.5 hrs by public transport (and presumably that’s station to station not home to workplace?) it must be at least 90-100 miles away! I’ve seen adverts that state you must live within an hour of the workplace. I know some people do commute long distance as I used to know people who did Norwich-London daily but that is just one straight through train. I’ve been turned down for interviews for being too far away, even when I had a direct train.m
You can't base an offer of an interview on where someone lives at the time @MissCharleyP. My DH was living in this country when he interviewed for a job in Paris. He moved there when he was offered the job. Many students about to leave school or university will be going for interviews all over the country and will find digs or a house depending on where the job offer comes from.
But, if your acquaintance can't get to the interview without a car then they're not going to get to work without one OP. I went for a job interview just as I left school at 16 years old. My dad was going to drive me. The car broke down so I rang the interviewer. She said 'if you can't get here by public transport at some point today you really need to think whether you can get here for an 8.30am start every day'. And she was right.
Are the job expecting her to move house? Can she wfh ?
Why is she asking you, a new acquaintance to help ?
I'd be thinking twice about asking my best friend to do this yet alone someone you've only just met
Join the discussion
Registering is free, quick, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Get started »
Please login first.