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To think my sister is batshit

(164 Posts)
CaptainJaneway12 Tue 23-Apr-19 16:22:59

Younger sister, good relationship and quite close, not as much over the last couple of years though - she isn't as available with work / life etc.

When I had my daughter she was very excited to be aunt - she overstepped occasionally, calling in unannounced and daily and announcing birth on Facebook before I had chance to tell family... But I let it go as was pleased she was excited. This lasted around 4 months, then she lost interest.

She now sees DD at family gatherings, takes very little interest and has said she does not want children of her own. She never asks after her and seems frustrated with her after a short time. It upsets me as DD loves her aunt and is not naughty, just normal with lots of energy.

Sister is married and they both say that they never want a family and I know this to be true (so it's not down to fertility issues) as I took her to get map once last year and she wants to get sterilised. Despite this I still thought/hoped that she was pleased to be an aunt.

She has 2 dogs that she dotes on and sends me lots of messages/pictures of them (I don't do this with DD as she doesn't seem interested and I do t want to be a baby bore to her) I'm not really a dog person but feign interest and always ask after them and get them little doggy treats/toys if I visit.

Previously with birthdays she has dropped a present over and wished DD happy birthday. This year (5th,) nothing. I messaged her about a week after asking how she was, didn't mention birthday as assumed she had forgotten and didn't want to make her feel bad. She replied she was fine, and asked if DD had a good birthday, so hadn't forgotten. I replied she had and would love to see her aunt. She responded, "well bear in mind I won't have a present for DD, you didn't get -Dog1- or -Dog2- a birthday gift so we won't be doing birthday gifts either."

To be clear, I am very generous at Christmas and birthdays with her and her husband and am aware she has an extra person to buy return gifts for so go a little extra for them. (I have said not to bother buying for me and DH) and I have never done birthday presents for the dogs... Never occurred to me and wouldn't even know when their birthdays are.

DH says sister has lost the plot, I'm inclined to agree. Feel sorry for my DD as her adoration for her aunt obviously isn't reciprocated.

I haven't replied to sister. Don't even know what to say!

Moralitym1n1 Tue 23-Apr-19 19:24:42

* of her own

LynetteScavo Tue 23-Apr-19 19:24:51

YANBU
Your sister is batshit crazy.

ImFreeToDoWhatIWant Tue 23-Apr-19 19:25:03

She clearly wants the drama. Don't give it to her. I'd message with "That's fine, no worries." And I'd never contact her voluntarily again.

edenhills Tue 23-Apr-19 19:25:19

Are you sure it wasn't a joke that was worded badly? It's hard to get the inclination in a message sometimes. What's her sense of humour like?

Sashkin Tue 23-Apr-19 19:25:34

There definitely more than two of them, DH works with at least two people like this (they bring their dogs into the office, expect the dogs to be treated like equal coworkers).

lablablab Tue 23-Apr-19 19:35:03

"Oh I'm so sorry! The dogs must've been so disappointed! I wish they'd said something. Was there something in particular they really wanted? A transformer or a Barbie doll? Or a trip to chessington? Did they have a party? Maybe I could take them to soft play to make up for it?

What did I just read?! I cannot believe you're comparing your pets to my child?! Are you joking??"

... is more along the lines of my response. I wouldn't ignore this. She needs a wake up call. Your poor dd. sad

Thesnobbymiddleclassone Tue 23-Apr-19 19:41:51

She wants presents for her dog? Is laugh in her face!

It's in no way the same

user1498581287 Tue 23-Apr-19 19:48:13

I wondered if it was something like she actually couldn't have children, but if you're sure it isn't , it could be a more generalized thing of feeling people without children don't have such a fuss made of them, so the dogs needing presents is almost a random, symbolic 'requirement'! rather than her being a bit loopy about her dogs. (Although, she maybe as well!)

I love dogs , but I've never heard of people being upset family don't buy dogs presents!

you would be entitled to tell her it's odd , as most people have said- the only thing is though, its obviously a bit sad making for you and your daughter.

The other way you could deal with it is to contact her and say-did you really want me to have got the dogs a present? I didn't realise- but I can , if you want me to. Then go and buy them a bowl or brush and some treats each, wrap them up, get them a card each, and take them round . Put the dogs birthdays in your birthday calender and get them a little present every birthday and xmas-in fact do doggy treats at easter as well, to be on the safe side!

It's a bit unusual!, but there's no reason why you can't- and I suppose if your sister had have had children , you would have been spending money on them.

If you did that, in the first instance, I might do the present buying and delivering, without your daughter, so she didn't realise her present had been withheld because of the dogs insulted feelings! but next year , she might enjoy going to a pet shop to help pick a present because-auntie likes the dogs to get a present!
You might have to let them off a thank you note though!

user1498581287 Tue 23-Apr-19 19:54:29

It is'nt nice to premptively withhold a child's present because of no dogs present, though and if my sister had done that when my daughter was 5, I would have felt my sister was being really a bit odd, definately.

QueenArseClangers Tue 23-Apr-19 19:59:52

There was a thread a while ago about a woman’s SIL wanting to bring her hyper dogs to her toddler nephew’s bouncy castle birthday party. Sounds just as barking grin

Squickety Tue 23-Apr-19 20:30:21

I'm going to be a slight voice of dissent here, not because I think your sister is being reasonable, I definitely don't, but it might give you an insight into why she's doing this.

I'm childfree/less - not infertility, not never wanted children, just circumstances. I tell everyone I didn't want them (too late now anyway) but no one but me and DH really knows the truth. DB has 2, now tweens Obviously every birthday / Christmas I buy presents for DNs, DB in return usually buys a hamper or something similar for me and DH at Christmas even though I've told him there is no need.

Last year we got Ddog. He gave me the kids Xmas list, and asked if we wanted a fancy cheeseboard or a hamper. I told him to save his money as they are expensive but if he wanted to get something in return I'd really like it if he could please get a toy for Ddog, it cost 8 quid and I sent him the link to where to buy it. He didn't bother and never mentioned it again. I KNOW she's not a child, and I KNOW she won't know any different, but she is the closest thing I will ever have and it would have made me happy plus she just loves getting new toys.

So it's not the present for the dog itself, it's the lack of care for what's important to me, when for years I've been making effort and spending money on DNs. Which I won't stop, obvs, and I'd never say anything, but I am slightly hurt about the whole thing!

When you don't have children you do get relegated to second class in a lot of people's eyes, it may be that it stings a bit more for your sister than you realise. She's def BU by taking it out on your little DD though!

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig Tue 23-Apr-19 20:53:40

It does sound weird that the attention just suddenly waned. I wonder if she was looking forward to having her own children, she voiced as much to her partner and he said no. I just can’t imagine someone being such a keen Aunty and then just switching off. It sounds as though something happened to cause the initial excitement and then the subsequent coldness.

HelenUrth Tue 23-Apr-19 22:43:59

It's a nasty thing to do to punish a 5 year old for the perceived mistakes of her parent.

That the parent's "mistake" is not getting birthday presents for the dogs, and the child is being punished is an incredibly nasty thing to do.

No matter how clever the dogs are, they will never understand when it is their birthday, unlike the poor 5 year old.

OP, are there any other family members who might have insight into your sister's behaviour?

Shebertherbert Tue 23-Apr-19 22:45:24

I feel like the op is one, one of my sisters might write about me.

I don't want children. I have no interest in children. I live hundreds of miles away from my family. I can be a good aunt for a week on holiday taking them out, treats, playing games. I could just not sustain that level of interest in my nieces and nephews over a longer duration.

I used to send birthday and christmas presents. I have 11 nieces and nephews. So this was pretty expensive. I very rarely got a thank you from either the children or the adults. One time I genuinely forgot a birthday. My ds rang me to ask where her dd gift was. I thought this was very rude. I am not obliged to buy presents. So stopped buying gifts regularly. Other peoples childrens birthdays are not my priority. My cat is the nearest I have to a child. I can imagine me making some remark about how he didn't get a present for his birthday. Should one of my ds's be so rude as to expect a gift again.

Chocolate35 Tue 23-Apr-19 22:53:56

Yes she is nuts! She sounds like my sister!!!!!! Children are not the same as pets, I say that as a dog owner. My sister had a child eventually. Even then she told me she resented me for giving my parents the first grandson and granddaughter, I mean I had no control over the sex of my baby but ok 🤷‍♀️ I’ve slowly cut her out of my life. I’ve reached a point where I’ve stopped caring. It’s her loss that my children are not part of her life. Minimise contact, it’s not worth the aggro.

hibbledibble Tue 23-Apr-19 22:57:58

I'm a dog lover and owner. My dog is part of the family, sleeps in our bed. I don't do a birthday celebration or presents for her though! It would mean nothing to her. Your sister sounds absolutely batshit. I wonder if something has happened in her life to make her behave this way.

RandomMess Tue 23-Apr-19 23:00:36

I adore my dog she gives no shiny shits about what day it is though!!!

CallMeRachel Tue 23-Apr-19 23:09:12

I think she's trying a bit too hard to convince everyone that she doesn't want kids.

She does sound a bit unhinged in not acknowledging her 5 yo nieces birthday over her dogs not getting birthday gifts that year that you've never normally sent them.

It smacks of jealousy to me.

terftastic1984 Tue 23-Apr-19 23:11:07

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

kateandme Tue 23-Apr-19 23:28:33

id wrap individually little do treat for 7x her dogs birthday for this is after all their real age.

DarklyDreamingDexter Tue 23-Apr-19 23:43:45

Another vote for the "Don't be so bloody ridiculous" route. She needs telling.

user1498581287 Wed 24-Apr-19 00:10:14

However you handle the your sister wanting presents for her dogs and maybe needing some help or concern herself, I would slightly take a mental note of the fact, that she currently doesn't seem have a very good understanding of children/chilhood.

It's worrying that she would think that it was ok to hurt child's feelings, to make a point to you. She doesn't seem to have thought, but little niece will be sad, if I don't send a present-and the fact that didn't even occur to her, would make me a bit wary of asking her to babysit etc. I don't mean that nastily and it's something you could be quite subtle about, but while your daughter's still little , I would try and keep at the back of your mind that your sister-at the moment anyway, (hopefully she will improve) but at the moment she doesn't seem to understand that your daughter is a little person in her own right, and that she has feelings etc.
if it was me, I might try and talk to your sister on her own maybe, and ask if she really meant it, about needing dog birthday presents and if she's ok and not feeling generally upset etc. I might offer to start buying her dogs presents , if she'd like it.

I would try and tell her that she'd been hurtful,as well, though and I definately think I would keep an awareness that your sister might be a bit in need of support/ supervision around your daughter, until she shows more of an understanding that your daughter is , a person , with feelings etc and only a little person at that.

Coconutsandcobbles Wed 24-Apr-19 00:29:24

My sister sounds very similar to yours OP! I posted an incredibly similar post to your first post some time ago under a different user name. My sister has now gone on to have a child! 🤔

Lizzie48 Wed 24-Apr-19 01:01:03

I think she sounds completely bonkers. I’ve never wanted a dog but I have 4 cats who I adore (as do my DDs), but I’ve never even thought about their birthdays. My DSis had a beloved DDog previously (she finally got a puppy again recently which she and her family adore), but I wouldn’t even know the exact birthday.

I’m afraid your sister is very self absorbed, so I just wouldn’t ever mention to your DD the possibility that her auntie will give her a present. She’ll soon stop being upset about it, as I’m sure she gets plenty of other presents.

TotHappy Wed 24-Apr-19 01:55:15

I was thinking what Squickety said and other posters have hinted. She seems aggrieved that her 'family' is not acknowledged in the same way yours is, with presents to each member. She knows damn well her dogs don't care, and they aren't the same, but she wants her share of consideration, of attention.

And I agree with what a pp said about childless people having less 'weight' in a family. Not always, but their needs/foibles are often considered less.
Imagine a hypothetical extended family holiday where you hypothetically HAD to choose from a holiday home that was child friendly or a holiday home that was dog friendly. You couldn't have both. You'd choose the child friendly one. You bet she knows that. You bet it stings.

Not that I disagree that her behaviour is utterly sickish by the way! But I don't think she's actually batshit enough to think her dogs are actual children.

Tavannach Wed 24-Apr-19 02:17:35

DH says sister has lost the plot

She certainly has.

Feel sorry for my DD as her adoration for her aunt obviously isn't reciprocated

This is a much bigger problem If your sister was sane I'd suggest you tell her that your DD adores her, but I'm not sure it would help here. I'd invest energy in thinking of strategies to help DD over the loss of her aunt. Just leave your sister to her dogs unless she actually does need medical help. Even then I don't see what you can do. Don't drop her but a bit of distance might help.

pinkgloves Wed 24-Apr-19 02:44:59

She deliberately didn't get your 5 year old a present?

What a spiteful bitch. I wouldn't want anything more to do with her.

Margot33 Wed 24-Apr-19 02:53:19

Just text back, "ok no worries, we 'll stop pressies for Christmas and bifthdays between us x" That puts an end to all gifts now. Unfortunately you can't make her care although it's hurtful. It's the same for me with my siblings, people are too self absorbed.

mathanxiety Wed 24-Apr-19 03:53:11

I would worry that her partner has had a hand in her aloofness and her change of heart toward children.

Is he controlling? Does she have to answer to him about expenditure? Do you sense anger there under the surface? Have you ever noticed anything between them that made you wonder if everything was ok?

GlendaSugarbeanIsJudgingYou Wed 24-Apr-19 05:10:07

I think you should ring her or meet up and talk about it.

I would be a bit worried about my sister if this happened all of a sudden.

You don't have to be accusatory or defensive. Just ask what her side is and work from there.

Snog Wed 24-Apr-19 07:21:59

I would say when are the dogs' birthdays, why didn't you tell me? And what would they like?
Then buy them presents.
Your DSIS seems upset, just give her what she wants.
Is it unreasonable and batshit? Definitely yes, but I would indulge her in a kind way and see what happens.

Lizzie48 Wed 24-Apr-19 07:49:03

I agree with some PPs that this is very odd behaviour, as she used to be very enthusiastic about your DD. Is it possible that she’s developing a MH disorder?

And yes, maybe she’s in a controlling relationship? I didn’t know that my DSis’s marriage was abusive until she told me about it either.

KittyInTheCradle Wed 24-Apr-19 08:50:20

Sounds narcissistic to me

MarieIVanArkleStinks Wed 24-Apr-19 12:35:12

I earlier suggested your sister might have issues of her own, but failed to mention that this is no excuse. I heavily despise passive-aggressives for being utter cowards who are unable to state openly what their issues are, and therefore resort to making the 'grand gesture'.

My DC's aunt has started ignoring birthdays too, as there's been an evident division in the family following an acrimonious funeral. We have sent her DC birthday presents for years - they are now both teenagers - and have never received as much as a thank-you note.

When grown adults start making innocent children the butt of their angst with their parents, it's time to protect the children from those spiteful, immature adults. For us, NC has been a long time coming with this particular 'aunt'. Privately, I'm delighted.

SometimesIGetNervous Wed 24-Apr-19 12:42:16

I would cut back on the very generous presents for her and her DH.

CaptainJaneway12 Wed 24-Apr-19 16:32:00

Small update:
Spoke to my mum today, she saw sister over Easter and my mum said she was behaving quite aggressively, like she was looking for a fight. One of the comments she made was that my mum has several pictures of my DD on display but only two of her and that it was hurtful to sister. 🙄

Mum thinks that the issue is that she was the baby of the family and got lots of attention and everyone made allowances for her because she was young and that DD has "stolen" her limelight and role as "baby". For context sister is 27!!

I asked mum if she knew anything about her decision to not have children herself and she said that sister refers to children as messy, yukky, social life ruining, figure ruining etc... Mum also confessed that over the years sister has referred to my DD as "the brat". I think mum is finally telling me because it's all coming to a head now so there is no point trying to spare my feeling any longer.

So it seems her jealousy and loathing of my child has been festering for years...
I'm a mixture of angry, speechless, hurt... The lioness in me is ready to charge but that probably isn't the best solution.

AryaStarkWolf Wed 24-Apr-19 16:35:12

Oh dear, your moms explanation makes sense in a warped kind of way. Your sister needs to grow the fuck up and I would be avoiding her like the plague after how she's spoken about my child if I were you OP

MachineBee Wed 24-Apr-19 16:39:01

I agree that some distance will help. Do it quietly without drama.

Your DSis may eventually realise what she’s lost - or not - but better to keep her away from your DD now before any greater attachment develops.

CaptainJaneway12 Wed 24-Apr-19 16:39:56

I need to be careful as I don't want my mum to get the brunt of it all and she will if I reveal what I know.
I hadn't responded to the dog birthday message and will not be attempting to contact her for the foreseeable. How can a grown adult be jealous of a child, their niece no less!?! I am so disappointed in my sister...

AryaStarkWolf Wed 24-Apr-19 16:41:52

I'd say don't reply to that and your DS contacts you asking what's up with you tell her you don't appreciate your daughter being compared to a dog....... keeps your mom out of trouble but gets your point across

StCharlotte Wed 24-Apr-19 16:52:03

I asked mum if she knew anything about her decision to not have children herself and she said that sister refers to children as messy, yukky, social life ruining, figure ruining etc... Mum also confessed that over the years sister has referred to my DD as "the brat".

As an aside, the last person I heard talk about children like that turned out to be on her third round of IVF...

But clearly her baby princess nose has been put right out of joint and she's seething with jealousy. Sadly, she will lose out and will only have herself to blame. Silly girl.

M4J4 Wed 24-Apr-19 16:53:05

She's pathetic to be jealous of a child. I guess she enjoyed the first few months of being an aunt when your dd couldn't walk or talk, but now that your dd is developing her personality your sister feels usurped. Totally pathetic.

Please stop the presents! It would stick in my craw to give sis/bil anything.

CaptainJaneway12 Wed 24-Apr-19 16:54:11

I don't expect her to adore DD like I do, but it seems she barely likes her, if at all. She is such a sweet little girl, I know I'm biased, I get that she is very active and full of it but she isn't nasty or anything and isn't spoilt or whiny...

AryaStarkWolf Wed 24-Apr-19 16:56:48

It's not about that though clearly OP, by what your DM says, it's to do with your DS and her being jealous she's not the baby anymore, the fact that your DD is so sweet probably makes it even worse for your DS

OoohAyyye Wed 24-Apr-19 17:04:28

She sounds like the brat OP, not your DD!
I hope your mum pulls her up on her choice of words... although I get the impression your mum might choose not to for an easy life?

CaptainJaneway12 Wed 24-Apr-19 17:05:59

I think mum tells her not to but sister acts like it's a joke...

BalloonSlayer Wed 24-Apr-19 17:14:27

I reckon she found you a crashing bore about your baby (as we all are!) and got tired of talking about DD all the time, hence losing interest.

She doesn't realise that this is normal behaviour for a loving parent.

She is trying to make a point by making an over-the-top fuss over something of hers, she thinks this will "show" you that you are being silly by making your life (& therefore the rest of the family's lives to a certain extent) revolve around your DD.

ThatssomebadhatHarry Wed 24-Apr-19 17:14:52

This thread coming soon to a daily rag near you soon.....

CaptainJaneway12 Wed 24-Apr-19 18:09:14

@ThatssomebadhatHarry
God I hope not! But if any lazy journalists are planning I hope they quote this:
My sister might be a brat but if lazy journalists want to use this as a non-story it's fine because my sister is batshit but not stupid, and wouldn't read shit such as the daily mail etc!

M4J4 Wed 24-Apr-19 19:11:54

@BalloonSlayer

I reckon she found you a crashing bore about your baby (as we all are!) and got tired of talking about DD all the time, hence losing interest.

What a horrible thing to say.

She is trying to make a point by making an over-the-top fuss over something of hers, she thinks this will "show" you that you are being silly by making your life (& therefore the rest of the family's lives to a certain extent) revolve around your DD.

How has OP made her and the family's lives revolve around her DD? hmm

What a sly, mean post.

CaptainJaneway12 Wed 24-Apr-19 19:45:33

Thanks @M4J4
I have always been aware that sister doesn't have children so won't want to talk about them and since she said she didn't want a family make an effort to see her every month child free. As I said, she sends me pics of the dog regularly but I don't send pics of DD - maybe first day at school, Christmas but probably 1:10 ratio between DD and dogs. We speak about her interests most of the time, we always did. I'd like to think I am sensitive to others and have understood that while I adore DD I don't expect everyone to adore her as much as I, her mum, does. I can see how her energy can be overwhelming to those not used to a five year old kid and joke about it and try to be a rounded person. Sister really only sees DD at family events nowadays and generally is over the top excited for around ten minutes and then gets bored of her and virtually ignores her. This is confusing for DD as aunty hugs her, throws her around and then switches off completely.

Smithy01 Wed 24-Apr-19 20:14:05

My reply would be this-
“Don’t worry at all about not getting DD a gift, she gets loads; most people can’t help buying an adorable 5 year and being the youngest in the family now she gets spoilt. I never have bought pets so won’t be starting now, but it’s obviously a big thing for you. - bless.”

AryaStarkWolf Wed 24-Apr-19 20:27:54

Hahaha @Smithy01 that would be hilarious

minipie Wed 24-Apr-19 20:43:15

I think jealousy explains a lot - not of you having DD but of the extra attention and time that DD’s existence takes away from your sister. I expect it’s mainly about your mother’s attention being shared, although also your own attention has of course now switched to DD from your sister.

Since she clearly doesn’t like children, there are no benefits to her from DD existing to offset the reduced attention, DD is simply a fly in her ointment.

Shame but at least now you know. Best to distance yourself tbh.

BalloonSlayer Wed 24-Apr-19 20:44:35

@M4J4 I wasn't intending to be sly or mean, I was trying to put across the perspective of a self-centred young person who can't or won't accept that new babies, quite rightly, take all the attention in a loving family. I thought I had made that clear by adding disclaimers and putting things in inverted commas to show they are not my views, but clearly not.

TenThousandSpoons Wed 24-Apr-19 20:50:44

I thought your meaning was clear Balloonslayer and didn’t read it as mean at all.
My younger sister is a similar age and is also quite disinterested in her nieces and nephews. She does the big greeting then seems tired of them after a while. It’s a shame sad

TheCraicDealer Wed 24-Apr-19 20:58:52

I can see why people might think that OP's sister could have fertility issues but it seems unlikely that someone might have those sorts of troubles and not confide in either her sister or her mum, especially when OP says she's close to their DM. Sometimes people are just dicks.

The fact that OP's mum is saying that she's gunning for a fight suggests there's something going on, but it's probably more complex- feeling anxious about getting older (27 was a funny age for me too!) and being "displaced" by your DNeice has got to be challenging for someone who's immature or struggles with emotions. Unfortunately she sees someone convenient to blame in the form of a five year old, and is taking it out on her. I couldn't let it lie and I'd tell her she's being fucking ridiculous.

IsoscelesSandwich Wed 24-Apr-19 21:11:34

Agreed. Batshit.

girlwithadragontattoo Wed 24-Apr-19 21:15:58

Mine usually get a new bed and new toy etc.. but i'd never expect anyone else to buy them things! There dogs so wouldn't understand

DesertSky Wed 24-Apr-19 21:35:31

Not batshit. Just a jealous spoilt brat.

Ofalltheginjoints Wed 24-Apr-19 22:40:39

She does sound jealous OP and that’s something she needs to work through herself however she may have thoughts about children and possible problems, I’m coming to terms with some news which makes it an extremely difficult choice whether to have children or not due to the risks involved however would your sister have told you if it was something like that?

I have a dn slightly older then your dd and I think I’m a pretty good Aunty, one day your ds May realise about that the type of relationship she is missing out on with your dd, my dh only became more interested in dn when they got a bit older (younger then your ds tho) as some people just don’t get very young children?

People can be crazy about their pets, I am about dDog and we do have a birthday party for his birthday but I appreciate that other people think that it’s weird and there is no expectation that anyone buys him a present (it’s an excuse to see friends and their dogs too) but my family have always bought pet presents for Christmas and birthdays, have your family ever done that or is it something that ds has just started to demand without any family tradition?

Ihatehashtags Wed 24-Apr-19 23:14:50

Wow that’s crazy! A dog is not the same as a child! It’s disappointing

minipie Thu 25-Apr-19 00:09:41

Actually I don’t think she has any obligation to spend time or even like your DD. Not everyone likes children even ones they are related to. That’s ok, a shame but ok.

However she does have an obligation not to hurt DD by suddenly deciding not to get her birthday presents any more or any other spiteful behaviour.

Lizzie48 Thu 25-Apr-19 00:14:09

I’m so sorry, that must have been hard to hear! In some ways, your DSis sounds like my DB, who can’t cope with being around children. He used to visit us and he would shout at them. The truth is, he has serious MH issues and when he’s here it’s like having a third child.

There are a lot of complicated issues on top of this, which are not relevant to this thread, but I had to make the decision to keep him away from my DDs.

Your DSis isn’t as extreme as this, obviously, but it sounds as if she’s similarly self orientated.

Don’t let it hurt you, or your DD, it really is her problem, not yours. Children that age forget quickly; my DDs don’t ask about their uncle now. It’s sad but he was very unpleasant to them at times.

I’m not saying that your DSis will get like that, but her dislike will manifest itself to them eventually.

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