AIBU not to give my mum a special ‘role’ in my wedding?

[EveryDayImHustlin]

Planning my wedding at the moment. It’s in 6 months and I’m getting so stressed about my family politics. This is a bit long so the short version is, AIBU not to give my mum a specific ‘role’ in my wedding in response to her passive aggressive digs about my dad?

My parents are divorced and both are remarried. Without going into a whole massive back story, my parents’ divorce was very messy and my mum did a few things which were less than ideal. Our relationship was quite strained for a few years as a result, but we’ve long since made up, I’ve forgiven her, and it was a very long time ago (I was 17 then, I’m 36 now!)

However, I think my mum still has some unresolved guilt about the whole thing and it manifests as a bit of a martyr complex where unfortunately she seems to be expecting to be shoved out or punished in some way. This has resulted in a number of passive aggressive digs about my wedding which I would really like to stop now, or it’s going to be a long and stressful six months and I’d quite like to just enjoy the lead up to my wedding!

For example, she asked if my dad would be giving me away and doing a Father of the Bride speech. I said yes, because I know those things are important to him, and he’s been looking forward to them my whole life. She just grumbled something about how she’d have to somehow make sure people knew who she was, and that I shouldn’t worry about her feeling left out (but in a tone that very much suggested the exact opposite).

She asked me where she would be sitting at dinner and whether my dad would be next to me at the top table. I said I didn’t know yet and we’d probably just do whatever is traditional, and she got into a bit of a huff about potentially being seated ‘far away’ from me (two or three seats away at most, and it’s an informal dinner where we’ll be seated for an hour max!) I said I welcomed her suggestions and she could sit next to me if she wanted, or maybe she and my dad could swap half way through dinner or something like that, and of course she immediately just told me not to be silly and that it didn’t matter and of course I should sit next to my dad.

She also keeps making comments about how she’s sorry that she can’t afford to pay more towards the wedding, the subtext (I think) being that my dad has sooo much more money than her. I keep reminding her that my dad isn’t paying, we’re paying for it ourselves! But she still brings it up and acts like it’s a big deal.

Don’t even get me started on the guilt trip about needing to invite some of her friends because she ‘won’t know anyone’ (except her husband and all her kids and their partners and her grandchildren of course!)

I’ve probably made her sound awful and she’s not, she’s lovely and very caring really, but just has this really paranoid/insecure/passive aggressive side to her that is so hard to deal with. She also keeps telling me not to let my dad tell me what to do or let him take over the day (which he isn’t, he’s basically going to be turning up on the day and walking me down the aisle because we’re planning and paying for everything ourselves).

A few people have suggested that I ask her to do a reading or something in order to give her a ‘role’ and make her feel special. My problem with this is that my fiancé’s parents aren’t doing anything like that, and I feel reluctant to have the whole day feel like a performance by my family! His family are already much quieter than mine (who are all, err, strong personalities) and I can’t help feeling like it’s going to feel like the ‘My Family Show’ as it is. His family would literally never complain about anything and will happily go along with whatever we decide, which is what makes it all the more frustrating when my own mother makes me feel so stuck and like I can’t do anything right. And yes, I guess I am reluctant to feel like I’m ‘rewarding’ bad behaviour from her (can’t quite believe I feel that way about one of my own parents!)

My mum has been dress shopping with me, will be coming along to my makeup trial next week, and will spend all morning having breakfast and getting ready with me on the day - why am I being made to feel like this isn’t enough? If you tot up her involvement in the wedding vs my dad’s then she’s actually far more involved than he is.

I had a word with her last night and said that it makes me sad that she’d put so much emphasis on a seat at dinner or a speech, and that she might somehow feel ‘less’ than my dad because of these tiny things, and she told me that I was imagining it and that it wasn’t how she felt at all. But I know my own mother and all the little comments and digs very much say otherwise.

So, next time she says something AIBU to tell her in no uncertain terms that I do not want to hear another word about it and that she is making me dread my wedding day with her constant niggling about it? I love her dearly and it breaks my heart that she’s apparently feeling so insecure about things but I can’t keep feeling so stressed about this!

[palahvah]

It sounds as though you've been very thoughtful and rational about the whole thing. Given you've already had an honest word with her about it and she's assured you there's no issue, then YANBU to do as you've suggested next time.

[SockEatingMonster]

Congratulations

Your Mum sounds like hard work! It sounds more like she’s worried about the visibility of her role on the day than her involvement in the wedding itself.

I agree that you shouldn’t bend over backwards for her though. It does sound a bit like even if you did give her a role, her insecurities would still kick in because it wasn’t as big or important as she perceives your Dad’s role to be.

[Bambamber]

Your wedding day isn't about her. Everytime she makes a comment, remind her she said she didn't feel any less than your dad

[Teddybear45]

Who was the resident parent who spent the most time with you, helped you, listened to and dealt with your unreasonableness as a child, and then helped and guided you into adulthood? If that was your dad he should definitely be the one to give you away. If, however; that was your mum then stop following gender stereotypes and false traditions and give her the role.

[EveryDayImHustlin]

Thank you both!

It sounds more like she’s worried about the visibility of her role on the day than her involvement in the wedding itself.

Yes this is exactly it I think. As my friend said the other day, she basically wants people to know that she’s my mum and that my dad’s wife isn’t. But everyone there will know that because they’re our friends and family and of course they all know who my mum is!

I thought about having her and my dad both walk me down the aisle but I think this would upset my dad... it’s so tricky! Weddings really have a way of bringing all this stuff to the fore don’t they?

[Seeline]

If you want to give her something to do, have you decided who will witness you signing the register? It's a small job, but she will be seen doing something.

[Mrsjayy]

I know you know your mum and her tone best but maybe you are both hypersensitive and this is causing the friction the wedding is 6 months away you need to relax or it is going to make you miserable yanbu to tell her to stop going on but actually maybe you should ignore some of it let it go over your head.

[Lyricallie]

If you do decide to give her a role you could have your mum and your partner's mum light a candle together symbolising the two families coming together. My friend's wedding had that and I thought it was nice. Doesn't matter if it's a few families ha as my friends mum was divorced too. That way it's your fiance's family involved too.

[GreenTulips]

Or they could both walk you down the isle?

We eloped because there was no way I wanted my father to walk me down the isle and upset my mother (he was an arse)

Couldn’t do it

[PrincessDanae]

Why cant she do a speech? And you, while you're at it. Why is just the 'men' that do the speeches??!! And can't they both walk you down the aisle? Or, have your DM sitting at the front, where you can greet her with a kiss just before you get 'handed' over to your future DH.

These might be small 'traditional' things, but they all rather exclude mothers of both the bride and groom TBH.

[EveryDayImHustlin]

Who was the resident parent who spent the most time with you, helped you, listened to and dealt with your unreasonableness as a child, and then helped and guided you into adulthood?

As a child my mum was the stay-at-home parent and did all of the above but she left when I was 17 and my siblings and I lived with my dad from then on, until I moved out at 23. I have a much younger sibling who spent most of their life living only with my dad, but the divorce obviously happened when I was nearly an adult so that’s less true for me.

[Mrsjayy]

If it is her wanting to be seen as your mum sit her in the front row and hand her your wedding flowers so she is involved in the ceromony

[redexpat]

I was going to suggest Mums signing the register too. I think either you need to take her at her word and feign ignorance - but you said you didnt mind sitting there? Or tackle it head on and say as you have here that you suspect that she is feeling nervous about the wedding and being in the same room as your Dad but that as MOB she has been involved in xyz which in the greater scheme of things is quite a lot.

[EveryDayImHustlin]

maybe you are both hypersensitive and this is causing the friction the wedding is 6 months away you need to relax or it is going to make you miserable

This is also very true!

I had asked my step-brother to be a witness as a way for him to feel ‘included’ but maybe I could ask him to let my mum do it instead. He’d probably understand.

I like the candle idea! Definitely one to think about.

Maybe I will just bite the bullet and have them both walk me down the aisle and my dad will just have to put his awkwardness aside!

My sister is already doing a speech, along with my fiancé’s sister (who is his best woman) so there are already more women doing speeches than men. I’m just reluctant to add in another speech as we already have quite a few and people will be getting bored!

[isseywithcats]

my daughter recently got married and the only job she asked me to do was sign the register as a witness which i was quite happy about her dad took her up the aisle, and her sister in law on her hubbies side was the other witness so one from each side, her brothers were guests and everyone was happy with this arrangement as being there on her day was more important than politics, i got her wedding cake made for her but i offered wasnt asked was a pleasure to do she and her fiance did everything else

[PlinkPlink]

Weddings bring out the worst in people sometimes.

I almost got married a few years ago. LTB (thank God) before I did it. Took a bit of courage but it was the right step.

Everyone wanted to do something 🙄 someone wanted to do a speech, someone wanted to say a fucking poem, mum wanted to be in charge of the fucking favours, blah blah blah blah blah...
It was just awful. None of it felt right. I was so apathetic. The whole thing was wrong really... if I hadn't said something, his proposal would have been monumentally embarrassing for me 🙈 my sister and I ended up falling out because I was so relaxed about bridesmaid dresses.

I'm a very chilled out, relaxed, minimal person. For me, just the simple things will do and for me, say more words than a big ceremony ever would. Luckily, OH and I are on the same page. Wedding abroad, very few people involved. Fuck it, I'd elope down to Cornwall with OH and DS and just do it that way if I could but our parents would be disappointed, I think.

Anyway, my point is... you MUST do what makes you happy. You MUST. Otherwise you will resent the people pushing you into things you dont want to do. It will cause unnecessary stress.
Do what makes you happy. Dont worry about anyone else.

[LightDrizzle]

That is so trying. I know what it’s like, that’s very much my mum’s approach.
She really is making it about her and she needs to stop, she won’t realise how unsubtle her drip-drip is.
I would say something the next time she starts, just something like interrupting her and saying “... since you’ve brought it up, again, can I ask you to stop with all this. You are already more involved in the planning than dad is, and for the record, he hasn’t once tried to interfere or tell me what I should or shouldn’t do.
Can’t you just enjoy the wedding? Your family will be there, it should be a lovely day. MIL & FIL are less involved than either of you and neither DF nor I are getting any grief from them.
If she’s like my mum, however you approach it she will dissolve in tears and say she’s so sorry she’s “ruining” it, all she wants is you to be happy blah, blah, - but it’s a long time until the wedding so if you don’t check her in a controlled way now, you could end up blowing your stack and saying worse.
It reminds me of the old joke about mothers: “How many mothers does it take to change a lightbulb?- “Oh! Don’t worry about me, I’ll just sit here alone n the dark...””.

[EL8888]

She has a role already, she is mother of the bride! I wouldn’t really feed into this if l was you. If you want her and your father to walk you down the aisle then go for it but if not then l wouldn’t

[TerryWogansWilly]

You can do as you like for your wedding but I don't see why people in 2019 are still having their dads give them away. Why not have both parents walk you down the aisle? Or he walk you and she do the speech?

[IHateUncleJamie]

Gawd, she sounds like hard work, OP. If you want to keep it traditional, she doesn’t need to do a speech or walk up the aisle with you. I ordered two bouquets of flowers which DH gave to my mother and his mother during his speech (as a thank you for all their help). That identifies both Mums quite nicely.

I think you’ve put up with enough digs and PA remarks and YWNBU next time to say “enough, Mum”. That you appreciate all her help and like planning the wedding with her but if she can’t keep quiet and stop digging you’ll have to do it alone as this is not fair and she’s spoiling the build up for you.

[Otterseatpuffinsdontthey]

I also thought what you wrote about both of them walking you down the aisle.
If you're unsure - why don't you ask your dad (privately) if this would upset him? If he says "no", would you be able to gauge whether he was being truthful?

[IHateUncleJamie]

but I don't see why people in 2019 are still having their dads give them away.

Erm because they want to?

[JazzyBBG]

I don't know if any of this helps but nice things I have seen done at weddings with divorced parents -

• round tables so no top table
• mum also does speech
• mum escorted down the aisle by son/male relative just before the bride

[EveryDayImHustlin]

Thank you, PlinkPlink, that’s good advice and exactly what I’d say to someone else in this situation. I genuinely don’t mind giving her a role though if there’s a way to make it work without it becoming too big and unwieldy. Signing the register or lighting a candle feel like nice things that could definitely work. Would be awkward asking my step brother to step down from signing but he’s a reasonable guy and would understand I think. I don’t know why I didn’t think of it sooner

I also feel uneasy about her doing a speech because she did one at another family event a while ago and it was a bit... awkward. I don’t think I quite trust her not to be a bit weird and passive aggressive in a speech and I would be dreading it all day!

[tanpestryfirescreen]

The parents of the bride are the hosts for the wedding?

What other role do they need?