I just told DH to fuck off in front of the DC

[Catbell82]

Now I know I have been completely unreasonable & feel really guilty about it but I just lost it. DC are 8 & 2. For a bit of background me & DH argue quite a lot (we’ll have a big argument at least once every couple of weeks). It’s usually caused because I don’t like the way he talks to our DC especially 8 year old DS. this has been an issue between us for a long time. DS can often be difficult- he rarely listens, answers back a lot & generally mishaves. DH way of dealing with it is to have a go at him about everything DS does that DH doesn’t like. I think we should pick our battles rather than having a go at DS about everything but DH doesn’t agree. He often talks to DS like he’s an irritant & calls hin weird because he thinks some of the things he does ‘isn’t normal’. Tonight DS was messing about at dinner & after DH had shouted at him that he ‘needs to stop being weird’ about 15 times I lost it & told DH that that was enough & he shouldn’t speak to his son like that. This led to a massive argument that resulted in me telling DH to fuck off & calling him a prick. I know this was completely inappropriate in front the dc & I really wish I hadn’t done it. We already argue lots in front of the dc & I’m concerned about the effect this is having on them. DH says it’s my fault that the dc don’t listen to him because I undermine him & I suppose I do but I can’t bear to stand by & listen to the way he talks to them. I don’t really know why I’m posting on aibu because I know I have been. I guess I just want a bit of perspective. I don’t see how we can continue like this & wonder if it would be better for the dc if I was to separate from DH.

[Catbell82]

Sorry for the very long post!

[TheShiteRunner]

You want your DH to speak nicely to your son, and the way you do that is to speak horribly to your husband in front of your kids?

Really?

If you "argue quite a lot" and speak unkindly to one another, that is the reason your son is difficult.

[CoperCabana]

Your DH sounds nasty. We all can lose our tempers and say things we don’t mean in the heat of the moment, but repeatedly calling your child weird to his face is out of order. What you said is not ideal but there is a bigger problem here.

[mimibunz]

He sounds like an absolute prick. And he’s destroying your DS self-esteem. Are you in a position to leave?

[KatnissMellark]

Can you talk about it when you're both calm (I'm guessing you've tried that?)

Honestly it doesn't sound a great situation. How long has it been going on for? Are you noticing is affecting the DC?

You need to do something about it.

[ElspethFlashman]

Well aren't those kids lucky.

You two need counselling pronto. Or split up. But the kids should not have to deal with your shit.

[Catbell82]

Yes I’ve tried talking to DH when we are both calm lots of times & it always results in the same outcome - he acknowledges the problem & promises to try to change which he does for about 2 weeks & then goes back to normal again. Things have been like this for at least 3 years. I’ve not noticed it affecting Dc yet but am concerned that it will soon.

[IceRebel]

wonder if it would be better for the dc if I was to separate from DH.

I was a child of parents who argued, shouted, had short tempers with each other. Please listen to me when I say it's beyond awful, always walking on egg shells, wondering when a nice day out would suddenly turn into world war 3. I would have given anything for them to go their separate ways, and if it's something you have been thinking about fr a while please do so for the sake of your children.

[gamerchick]

We already argue lots in front of the dc

You're both damaging your kids, now it's escalating. It's time to sort it out or split up.

[Passmethecrisps]

I am not sure which thing you particularly want thoughts on but there will be considerably better places on MN than AIBU to get them.

Your relationship with your dh sounds unpleasant and hard work.

Your DH’s relationship with your DS sounds damaging.

The wee one will be soaking all of this up.

Could you consider counselling? Or genuinely do you need to go your separate ways?

[Oysterbabe]

I'd have told him to stop the first time he called my son weird tbh.
I know you know, but you really need to stop arguing in front of them. My parents did it a lot and my siblings and I were terrified they were going to get divorced. We'd sit upstairs and talk about which parent we would choose to live with while they screamed at each other. It's so damaging.

[Catbell82]

If it came to me having to leave, I would have to go to my parents

[Bambamber]

Sounds like he is bullying your son. How you reacted wasn't appropriate, but to no honest I'm not surprised you lost your shit with him

[Passmethecrisps]

Ok, so you say you haven’t noticed your son being affected by the way his dad talks to him. Yet you list a number of difficult behaviours. Could it be that these things are linked? If your ds heard only nice things about himself or things kindly spoken at least, what difference do you think that would have?

[BlackeyedGruesome]

this is not sustainable.

[1AngelicFruitCake]

I don’t know what the answer is but unfortunately you both will already be affecting them, particularly your older child.
He’s living in a toxic environment where he has to listen to regular arguments including swearing. He’s then belittled by his Dad, his mum defends him but this leads to arguments (which he’ll know he’s the source of).
Talk in private, agree on a course of action, get outside help or split up but don’t be one of the many who remember the good times and choose to ignore the bad. Your two children are so vulnerable and at risk of being completely emotionally damaged by believing this is how relationships should work.

[Aquamarine1029]

You are raising your children in an emotional war zone. This will damage them forever, far more than a divorce ever would.

[Amrad]

It's already affecting them. The way they behave is likely a reaction to their environment.

[Passmethecrisps]

And how would that be catbel? Would it be tolerable for a short while?

Have you and your dh ever not fought? Is this just how you communicate?

[doodleygirl]

When you say you haven’t noticed the effect on your DC what do you think it would look like if you did notice?

Be under no illusion, it is effecting your children.

[IRanSoFarAway]

Your regular arguments in front of the children will affect them now and in the long term, I know because my parents used to argue all the time.
Your H should not be speaking to his son like that, as PP said, it will affect his self esteem.

I wonder if your son's behaviour is because of what he is exposed to in his own house.

[ShaggyRug]

I’ve not noticed it affecting Dc yet but am concerned that it will soon.

Trust me. It’s already affecting your children. They are the victims of this.

[ElspethFlashman]

Do you think the 8 year old doesn't remember all this stuff?

Do you think he's gonna forget? Not at 8 you don't.

[Catbell82]

**Passmethecrisps

You’re absolutely right. It is very likely that this is the reason why DS behaves the way he does. Although according to DH he behaves like that because ‘he knows it will get DH in trouble with me’

[Passmethecrisps]

Before the kids, what was your relationship like?

It sounds like he might be a bit jealous or threatened by your eldest. He thinks he “will get in trouble”. He sounds like a petty sibling rather than a grown man and father of two