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To not want mother to kiss baby for this reason?

(118 Posts)
ripeavocado Tue 19-Feb-19 00:42:25

I have a 9-month-old who interacts with my mother quite closely. My mother has a partner who regularly gets cold sores. Although my mother has never presented with a lesion, I know it’s possible that she may carry the virus asymptotically, and can at any point be “shedding” the virus (am I correct in believeing this?). For this reason, I’ve asked her not to kiss my baby. She’s taken offence to this (as she believes that she doesn’t carry the virus due to her never having had a lesion), and I suppose I’d like to know whether people feel I’m being unreasonable? Also, if not, is there any way of protecting my baby, should my mum ever slip up and kiss him?

psychedelicleggings Tue 19-Feb-19 00:45:18

I used to get cold sores, I have children and I've kissed them millions of times.. they've never had a cold sore. YABU.. imo.

Must be hard on your mum not to be able to give her grand babies kisses.

ripeavocado Tue 19-Feb-19 00:46:29

Sorry, ignore the last line - had originally posted on a health-advice-style forum.

Jennbot Tue 19-Feb-19 00:57:26

My mother gave both my children the cold sore virus by kissing them when I explicitly told her not to. I caught her asking for kisses with a cold sore even after I asked her not to and explained why.
She did it behind my back.
So yadnbu. There was a case in the news about this recently Google it.

ripeavocado Tue 19-Feb-19 01:02:35

psychedelicleggings the heroes virus can be dangerous in infants, though. If wanting to protect my baby from a potentially harmful [to babies] virus renders me unreasonable, then so be it!

ripeavocado Tue 19-Feb-19 01:03:47

psychedelicleggings herpes*

howhasthishappened Tue 19-Feb-19 01:17:12

Me, my husband, both my parents and my sister all have the virus and have suffered cold sores.
Have kissed all my children a thousand times over.
Obviously would never kiss them whilst we actually have a cold sore which is just common sense.
So with the fact that your mother has never actually had a cold sore I would say YABU

TheMaddHugger Tue 19-Feb-19 01:24:57

our Grandson spent his first Xmas in hospital for 3 weeks after getting the cold sore virus at 1 yr old.

It was Bad.!!!

TheMaddHugger Tue 19-Feb-19 01:26:04

we dont know who had it to begin with. None of us do

ripeavocado Tue 19-Feb-19 01:31:13

Seems that some babies suffer when coming into contact with the virus, whilst others don't at all. The fact that there's a chance at all that my baby could be one of the ones who do suffer is enough to make me want to take precaution!

NotCisJustWoman Tue 19-Feb-19 01:37:49

I get cold sores (thanks mam) and know when ones coming. I don't kiss any of my nieces and nephews much in general to be honest and when it does it's tends to be them pecking me on the cheek because I instinctive turn my head anyway.

My last cold sore was when my niece was born and I absolutely wouldn't have dreamt of kissing her and I'd rather not have held her because I was so worried about passing it to her but my sister said I was being daft and not kissing her was enough.

I'd say if your Mum hadn't ever presented with a cold sore then YA probably BU, but some people don't realise what a big deal it can be (like my mam) so can where you're coming from.

ripeavocado Tue 19-Feb-19 01:43:40

Asymptotic carrying is a genuine thing, though!

Would just like correct myself - asked my mother not to kiss baby on the face, not not to kiss him at all (she kisses him on the head).

ripeavocado Tue 19-Feb-19 01:48:14


AngelaHodgeson Tue 19-Feb-19 01:55:40

You are expecting your mother to never kiss her grandchild just because her partner has a virus. That's completely unreasonable. Perhaps your DM has passed the virus asymptomatically to you and now you are asymptomatically passing it to your DC? You should avoid ever kissing your child just in case.

ripeavocado Tue 19-Feb-19 02:01:16

AngelaHodgeson people really view a mother trying to protect her baby from something that's potentially harmful in infants as this big, bad thing?

I corrected myself in a later comment, stating that my mother can give baby an affectionate kiss on his head and other appropriate places - just not his face.

I've not exchanged a kiss with my mother whilst she's had her current partner, so that's pretty unlikely.

ripeavocado Tue 19-Feb-19 02:02:40

AngelaHodgeson since she's*

TheClaws Tue 19-Feb-19 02:02:42

Is this your first baby? You could be going slightly overboard. Of course she can kiss him - maybe, if you like want to super careful, not on on the lips, but on his face is fine. She doesn’t have cold sores and isn’t “shedding” (I can’t stand that term).

ripeavocado Tue 19-Feb-19 02:05:35

TheClaws yes, my first baby. First time mother who's a little anxious about these kind of things - not the devil, himself!

Justagirlwholovesaboy Tue 19-Feb-19 02:10:55

There’s all sorts of people out there who will sneeze on your baby or cough near them, better keep it locked up and put in bubble wrap. Your mum shows no symptoms and Is healthy, you will end up without family if you keep pushing her away. My hubby gets them sometimes, I’ve never, my sd, nieces or nephews have never caught them from me and I’ve kissed them a lot!

ripeavocado Tue 19-Feb-19 02:19:01

Justagirlwholovesaboy cold symptoms are one thing (my baby has handled a cold well, and colds generally aren't thought to be dangerous in babies), but it's well understood that the herpes virus can, indeed, be dangerous in babies.^
I understand that a bunch of parents have anecdotes about how their baby was fine' following a kiss from an asymptomatic or non-"shedding" person, but a bunch also have an anecdote about a baby who wasn't quite so 'fine'.

ClaireElizabethBeuchampFraser Tue 19-Feb-19 02:28:12

I think you are completely reasonable OP! I never suffered from cold sores until my dh caught the virus, he was unaware of the signs before the breakout and as a result myself, ds and dd all caught the virus. DH felt awful when he realised especially as I have a compromised immune system and it basically left me with constant cold sores over my chin, nose and lips for almost a year. There is absolutely NO way that I would put an infant at risk!

Nobody is entitled to kiss a baby on the lips anyway! There are other ways to show affection- cuddles, kiss on the head etc, there is no way that my dh would have kissed our babies on the mouth knowing he was at risk of passing on the cold sore virus (thankfully our dc were much older before he caught the virus). I would have have been very wary of doing so too. I know it’s hard- there is nothing sweeter than an older baby grabbing your face and giving you baby kisses. But it isn’t worth the risk.

LazyLizzy Tue 19-Feb-19 02:29:04

I think you are being over the top. I suffer with cold sores. My DH does not and has never ever caught the virus from me.
He has never had a cold sore in his life.
Your mum is not a threat just because her partner has the virus.

TheClaws Tue 19-Feb-19 02:29:42

You know how, when babies are being held face-to-face and having a chat, they sometimes like to put their fingers on the other person’s mouth? Would you stop your baby and your Mum having that sort of cuddle? Or if baby is exploring and grabs a cup - which was Grandma’s - and mouths it, like babies do - how are you going to police that? I think you really need to think about what is sensible here.

TheClaws Tue 19-Feb-19 02:32:01

That said, I do understand it is difficult as a first-Mum navigating what you should do. In this situation, though, I think you are being a little too careful and are putting your relationship with your Mum at risk.

Justagirlwholovesaboy Tue 19-Feb-19 02:32:43

Sorry op maybe it wasn’t clear I meant my hubby gets cold sores sometimes

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