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to want another baby with my ex ?

(173 Posts)
gaelle79 Thu 03-Jan-19 14:01:07

Hi all, happy New Year!

My New Year resolution is to make up my mind about this and I need your honest (non-judgemental) opinions please.

My ex and I dated for 5 years. We didn’t work out because I was not the one for him.

At the time, I didn’t realize that and kept making up excuses for the fact that he was dragging his feet regarding commitment. After 3 years and because I was pressuring him, he agreed to have a baby. When I brought up marriage (again) he said having a baby was an even bigger commitment and that made sense to me.

During my pregnancy I spent a lot of time reflecting on my life and finally saw things for what they were: He was not in love with me and didn’t want to marry me so I broke up.
It was messy and painful, he went MIA for months and I resented him for that, for failing our daughter.

Now we are back in a good place, co-parenting and getting along.
The thing is I desperately want another baby. I’m 39 going on 40. It’s been 3 years since our breakup and I wanted to meet someone, to build a relationship and maybe have baby #2 but nothing…not even a fling sad

I know I will find that person, eventually but it could be tomorrow or in ten years! If I want another child, I don’t have much more time left so I’m really considering having it with him.

We talked about it and he is totally on board with the idea. Still, there is no chance for us to work out as a couple so we would have the baby and co parent as we currently do but that’s it.

Do you think I’m crazy to even consider this?

ittakes2 Thu 03-Jan-19 15:19:26

2 adults and 1 child is sooooo different from 2 adults and 2 children - especially when they live in different houses!

Mallorie Thu 03-Jan-19 15:24:00

Be 100% honest with yourself - are you still in love with him, even a little? I think the answer is clearly yes (and clearly more than a little) because if you weren't, you would have said so (and you'd be asking for advice about the best turkey baster to use).

For that reason, it's a terrible idea.

ratherbeshowjumping Thu 03-Jan-19 15:24:08

My best friend did this, but not so much in the same way. It works well for them. Her DS's are lovely and shes very happy.

PumpkinKitty82 Thu 03-Jan-19 15:24:16

I think it’s bizarre,personally.
I couldn’t even imagine doing this no matter how well I got on with an ex

AnotherEmma Thu 03-Jan-19 15:24:57

It's unconventional but I don't think it's crazy. I actually think it's better to have children with the same person, so they are full siblings and you don't have to make different contact arrangements with different ex-partners. If you have a good co-parenting relationship I think that's actually healthier than being an unhappy couple.

I have experience of this from the child's perspective, as my parents separated when I was young and I have "blended" families on both sides. I would have liked a full sibling. I have half and step siblings that I am close to and grateful for. But it's sad when I don't get to see my half-sister much at Christmas (we see mum together but we also have to see our dads separately).

ohreallyohreallyoh Thu 03-Jan-19 15:30:37

Lots of children do just fine in such circumstances but a large amount also do not

Statistically I believe there is very little actual difference between outcomes for children from your so-called ‘broken home’ and a non-broken home. What really makes a difference is a)maternal level of education and b) poverty. Unfortunately p, children from ‘broken homes’ are more likely to live in poverty given there can only ever be one wage and the poor attitude to the payment of maintenance in this country.

But don’t let your bigotry get in the way, eh?

KatyWhatsit Thu 03-Jan-19 15:31:24

It's interesting how some posters say 'they wanted a sibling'.

This is fantasy land. There is no guarantee whatsoever that 2 siblings get on. I have friends who are estranged from their siblings, others where they tolerate each other at best.

I have a sibling who is 10 years younger. We live 300 miles apart and rarely see each other. Our lives are very different.

This 'happy families' fantasy is NOT a reason for the OP to have another child.

It's all about HER not what she and the father can give to the child.

There are as many only-children alive who are happy as there are siblings who hate each other's guts!

CanaryFish Thu 03-Jan-19 15:34:03

Another person going against the grain here, no matter what happens your kids will have each other as they face the world and everything that comes their way.
A friend of mine did similar no it’s not the “perfect” way to have a family but her kids have each other in a world of in a world of step parents/siblings, grandparents, half siblings and so on.
You could meet someone new, have a baby with them and then they bugger off and now you have two kids from “broken homes” anyway.
At least with this man you know where you stand as much as anyone does.
Every family and setup is different

TwoGinScentedTears Thu 03-Jan-19 15:35:14

I have friends who did this. They're very happy with the set up!
We all do what we have to do-judgemental people will always judge. Who cares what they say?

KatyWhatsit Thu 03-Jan-19 15:35:34

Statistically I believe there is very little actual difference between outcomes for children from your so-called ‘broken home’ and a non-broken home

Surely that depends on what you mean by 'outcomes' and a broken home. In this case, there isn't a home to 'break'; they are two people who biologically have the kit to produce a child. And one is yearning for one due to carrying a torch for the ex and her bio clock ticking.

There were many single parents after both world wars. My own father lost his dad when he was 8. His mum brought up 3 children on her own. They are all well adjusted. But that was misfortune- not a conscious choice.

You can find as much evidence as you want to support either case. There is an equal amount of evidence to say that children do better when their father and mother live together in a happy and united family home.

IrisSings Thu 03-Jan-19 15:36:13

This is what my parents did - a loooong time ago when unconventional families were a bigger deal. I had two loving parents and a secure upbringing - the fact that they were not in a relationship was irrelevant. Obviously I knew that my family was different from others (less of an issue these days) but me and my older sister were co-parented really well by our parents, who each went on to find other partners later on in life. It’s worked out really well. I’d say go for it.

KatyWhatsit Thu 03-Jan-19 15:37:26

Another person going against the grain here, no matter what happens your kids will have each other as they face the world and everything that comes their way.

You presumably know of no families where the siblings don't get on , never see each other or even despise each other? I do.

Rosy coloured specs here.

Bluelady Thu 03-Jan-19 15:40:12

Lots and lots of rosy specs all round. And barely any even thinking of the kids' welfare. Bloody lunacy.

PerfectPeony Thu 03-Jan-19 15:42:48

It’s not ideal. However, casually dating someone else and having another child after a short relationship with a different father would be more damaging/ complicated for your daughter.

KatyWhatsit Thu 03-Jan-19 15:47:18

Look , this man had to be pressurised into having a baby.
He want awol (sorry don't know what MIA is) and is now back.
For how long?
He sounds weak.
He didn't really want a child anyway.
I suspect he feels guilty over dumping you.
This is his way of easing his conscience and shutting you up from nagging him. He can donate his sperm and walk away again.

Where is your self respect?

GabriellaMontez Thu 03-Jan-19 15:51:44

I would.

AmyDowdensLeftLeftShoe Thu 03-Jan-19 15:53:55

@AnotherEmma I have a full sibling I don't get on with, but half- and step- siblings I do. Just because someone is your full-sibling doesn't mean you will get on with them any better than with your half-siblings. Just be grateful you have a blood relation you do get on with however you are related as there are so many estranged families out there.

AnotherEmma Thu 03-Jan-19 15:57:06

I'm fully aware of that thank you.

Duchessgummybuns Thu 03-Jan-19 16:07:23

When I first read this I thought it was a mad idea, but I think I was applying it to my own situation as it’s certainly not a thing I would choose to do. But if you can make it work then why not, there are children conceived every day in much worse circumstances.

BetsyBigNose Thu 03-Jan-19 16:10:59

I'm a similar age to you OP, I remember how strong my longing for my second child was before I had her and if I were in your situation, I would go for it.

It's realistically your last chance to have a second child (even if you met a new partner tomorrow, you'd surely want to be together for a decent period of time before TTC?) and at 39, time isn't on your side (sorry, but true for me as well as for you!)

You already know your EXDP is a good father, is willing to provide financially and in terms of caring for his child/ren, and you know him well enough for there not to be any nasty surprises down the line.

I agree with PPs that you need to discuss what would happen if/when either of you met a new partner - what would happen if one of you met someone whilst you were TTC? Would you stop? Take a break? Carry on regardless?! It might be worth agreeing details of his financial contributions and contact in advance, as well as thinking about things like if you'd want him to be at the birth or at scans etc.?

Lots to think about, but nothing insurmountable imho. Good luck if you do decide to go for it - and if you do, please update us and let us know!

Pissedoffdotcom Thu 03-Jan-19 16:23:17

What's the deal with full siblings being the ideal? There's no guarantee siblings will get on regardless of which parent they share ffs

lovelypumpkin Thu 03-Jan-19 16:27:07

If you co parent well, genuinely, and you get on and respect each other and have similar values and have similar enough parenting styles then this would be better than a sperm donor and may even be less risk than waiting until you are in another relationship.

If you had met someone else and had a child there would still be risk, and if the relationship didn't work out there it could be worse, especially if co parenting in that situation didn't work out either.

There is more certainty this way.

There is something to be said for full bio siblings, emotionally, for the family.

If you did not co parent well then not such a good idea.

MidnightAura Thu 03-Jan-19 16:31:59

I’m sorry but I think this is a terrible idea. You say this guy was MIA and you resented that. Was that during your pregnancy? What happens if he pulls that stunt again leaving you to cope with a child and baby or a child and you are heavily pregnant?

Is that fair to your existing child and the baby?

What happens if you get pregnant and he meets someone else and decides not to bother seeing your existing child? There is a risk of that happening anyhow but to purposefully bring another child into that set up seems wrong.

Also if you are planning on sleeping together, won’t that open a huge can of worms emotionally?

I have siblings, I’m not close to them. One of them I’m NC with. Please don’t think that siblings will always get on because they are family, they don’t.

Outwards Thu 03-Jan-19 16:32:30

@Bluelady oh won't somebody think of the kids hmm

Seriously though, why on Earth is it selfish? The child would be wanted and loved.

Ma, Pa + 2.4 kids does not a happy family maketh; there's no set prescription for happiness and success.

KatyWhatsit Thu 03-Jan-19 16:36:25

I suspect some posters here are much younger than I am.

I consider my close friends on the whole to be well adjusted adults. I can tell you that several have had major rifts with their siblings- often not until they had kids of their own and different parenting styles- or their ow parents became ill and they argued over their Wills!

My own dad fell out with his siblings in his 40s over their appalling behaviour over their mum who was dying from cancer. He never spoke to either again, for 50 years.

This idea how kids need siblings and they will all get on is nonsense. No guarantee.

DH's sibling lives on the other side of the world- barely any contact for 20 years.

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