To be absolutely furious

[awesmum]

A long one sorry

A bit of history, 'D'H and I have been together 8 years, have 1dd (2yrs) I have Dd (18). Dd18 and DH have always had a strained relationship. They don't get on at all.
DH and I are having councilling because he's relenting talking at me. He is kind and thoughtful but everything ends up his way as he talks so much at me I give in to stop him talking at me. I had a meeting with the councillor last week as she wanted to say how I am retreating into myself and no longer talking. Before the meeting, he sat me down and for half an hour explained what I must do and say in the meeting, or else it's pointless going. I got quite cross and unlike me turned around and said he was being patronising and I knew what the purpose was, he got cross and told me off. Anyway after the meeting this went on more, resulting in me going home with my daughter (the 2 year old).
He came home that evening telling me he was cross with my disrespectful behaviour.
The next day I had hospital appointment, after which he came home when I turned up, I had had a biopsy, wanted a cup of tea and a lay down. I went to the loo, he was in the sitting room hadn't said hello or anything, I put the kettle on, he walked in and said 'Are you not going to come and tell me what happened then?' In a real arsey way.
After the councillor telling me to stop being so wet (not her words) I actually laughed and he asked what I was laughing at, I said being told off again. To which he started ranting, to which I said 'I can't hear you (I couldn't) but I assume you're telling me off as you you seem to spend your life doing that.'
He shouted and stormed off. Comes back later when the 2 year is napping, I said i didn't want to talk, so he starts shouting and wakes her up then storms off again.

In the evening I was sorting DD birthday present she's 18, he summoned me into a room, he gave me some money for her present, I said it's fine I didn't want it right now.
I was making vouchers for driving lessons for her and putting them in a box, so it was a bit of something lovely to open rather than just an envelope with them in.
So he waited for me to go to bed, I had been up all night the previous night with a poorly 2 year old. He called DD to the sitting room gave her £300 in cash ( I had said we wouldn't do cash as that's crap for an 18 and she'd waste it and lessons would get booked). He said this is for you to have driving lessons. She was so happy thinking that he for once done something for her for her birthday.

But when she opened her present from me (and him) this morning the dawning realisation set in on her face and poor thing felt so awkward and apologised to me!

I am so angry he to that excitement from her and think he did it out of spite to me.

This is all since Wednesday by the way.

Aibu?

[superram]

He’s a dick-you seriously need t have individual counselling t hel you decide if your marriage has a future.

[MarthasGinYard]

Awful

Yanbu

[honeysucklejasmine]

Yeah, from what you've said here, he's a massive wanker.

[BathroomLights]

Dd18 and DH have always had a strained relationship. They don't get on at all.

Her whole life since she was 10 has been this. Just knock it on the head. Do the counselling for you, not your relationship.

[IHATEPeppaPig]

Marriage counselling is not suggested for history where there is abuse...just saying.

[QuacksInTheDark]

He’s controlling, gas lighting, generally a fucking prick need I go on?

[wolfywolfy]

He is awful op. Please don't stay with this man. Not only does he take his issues out on you he has now started being spiteful towards daughter . Hope you are ok

[5SecondsFromWilding]

He sounds quite controlling and it feels like you need some space. Could you arrange some private sessions with your councillor? So you can work out if this relationship is really worth saving?

[LusaCole]

He sounds awful.

[PocketsForMe]

Yanbu that’s rotten behaviour

What stood out to me was the talking at you and you feeling like he was telling you off. Stbxh used to do the exact same to me....talk and talk AT me for what felt like hours until I would just agree.

He was also very good at manipulating our counselling sessions, even telling me after the very first sesssion that the counsellor was clearly on his side and had been rolling her eyes at me and making agreeable faces at him

As I said stbx! It’s amazing being free and not having to worry when my next telling of is coming

[MrsMozart]

Why are you with him?

[Twotailed]

He sounds really terrible. Agree with PPs that you would get much more from counselling on your own where you could explore getting away from him.

[hamabr86]

My stepdad was like this. Total knob and slowly drove my mother insane.

She went to counselling alone eventually because it went much the same as you have said. They told her it was a form of emotional abuse and and she left. Is a lot happier now but it's taking a long time for her to get her confidence back and she still has a lot of anger about it.

He's unlikely to change. What are you getting out of your relationship?

[ravenmum]

he sat me down and for half an hour explained what I must do and say in the meeting, or else it's pointless going. I got quite cross and unlike me turned around and said he was being patronising
The worm turns. Good on your counsellor for asking to see you alone. Good on you for standing up for yourself. Be clever, though: he sounds difficult, and you don't have to let him in on any changes that are about to happen.

[eggsandwich]

Sorry but he’s a lost cause and when your counsellor can see it as well its not good.

Seriously for your own well being and mental health you need out of this relationship it sound exhausting not to mention what its doing physiologically to your girls.

[Tinythenewt]

Your 18 year old sounds lovely. The fact that she just felt awkward and apologised shows what a kind, thoughtful and unselfish young woman she is.

I hope your DD has a wonderful birthday.

[awesmum]

Thank you for the feedback, I no longer trust my own judgement about the situation anymore. The constant talking at me is like water boarding or how I imagine being in a cult is like. When you start to think 'Hang on what the hell am I doing?' He starts in with 'I want everyone to be happy, I want what's best, I don't do this to be cruel, you agree we want what's right for the kids.' And so on. Then he picks up the stuff I have done wrong and uses that to make me feel shit.
My councillor actually said to me that just because he isn't physically violent (my ex was) doesn't mean he's not controlling, manipulative and a bully. Which gave me a 💡 moment. I had questioned how she saw the situation as numerous times she's said to him 'I like you, you certainly can engage people when you talk.' That made me think well he's a nice guy, made I am not behaving 'right'.
But the session I had alone Wednesday made me think what the hell am I doing??

So in answer to your questions why am I here? I need a to put my big girl pants on realise that I can't live like this, he isn't going to change. That yes it's going to be tough but I have done it before I can do it again despite being 10 years older.

I am terrified of the fight though - over the house, the access for Dd. After today I have seen how spiteful he truly can be.

[Fiffyshadesofgreymatter]

This is my first time ever saying this.... divorce him. Leave now. Just leave. He's abusive. Counselling doesn't work with abusive partners. Leave. Leave. Leave.

[Geraldine170]

I don’t really understand why you didn’t take the money. Sorry I found your post a little bit garbled it doesn’t sound like he’s very nice to you but I don’t understand the incident with the money. You’d asked him for some money to pay for driving lessons which you were intending to give your daughter the next day. So when he gives you the money you say ‘Yes, thank you’ and put it in your handbag to pay for the lessons. I don’t understand why you didn’t do that. It would have annoyed me if I’d gone to the trouble of arranging a pretty large sum of money on time for a present only to have it turned away until you felt it convenient because you didn’t want to take a short break from what you are doing. Surely you would have paid for the lessons the next day if you were giving her a voucher? Surely it would have made even more sense if you’d booked them before you gave it to her? Where you going to leave it to him to book the lessons? When were you intending to book them? It’s also an expensive present to take from family funds so being so dismissive of it would have got my back up too. I don’t understand that you’re angry she thinks he’s ‘done something nice for her’ by giving her the cash. He would still have been doing something nice for her if you had given her the vouchers. It would be no less a present from him if you gave her the vouchers than if he gave her the cash.

Sorry, but it sounds to me like you haven’t actually gone to any effort for your DD’s birthday beyond making a voucher you wanted to present to her in a showy way and which she would think was entirely from you.

I can understand why he perhaps felt because you couldn’t even be bothered to get up and take the money to pay for the lessons it was a bit unfair for you to present it to DD as a wonderful gift from you and play down his contribution.

It sounds like you were both as bad as each other in that situation childishly wanting to get the glory of giving DD the present. But I think he has the moral advantage here because he was the one doing the practical things to organise her present while you were just having a faff really.

[Cutietips]

This man seems to think he’s your boss rather than your OH. And a particularly autocratic one at that! Why is he telling you off and telling you what to do? You’re an adult with an adult daughter FGS!

OP I agree with PPs, Counselling with a controlling partner is not helpful because they manipulate the sessions, exactly what is happening here. The idea of couples’ Counselling is that it’s a safe place to explore each person’s perspective so that you can get a greater understanding of how each other feels. It’s not for one person to have their own poor behaviour vindicated at the expense of the other partner’s ability to say how they truly feel. But this is exactly how your OH is manipulating the process.

I second you having individual Counselling so you can explore what’s really going on.

And incidentally he is not kind and thoughtful if this is how he treats you.

[DriftingLeaves]

I can think of no reason to stay with this prick.

[Juells]

Yuck, what a horrible controlling person :( You sound completely beaten down by him.

[Geraldine170]

Have you posted about this before? Does he spend most of his time living with his mother?

[MaxTeyon]

Leave this abusive cunt

[ravenmum]

As I understood it, "dh" knew OP was making vouchers for the next day, but went and gave DD the money the day before her birthday without saying anything, so that when DD got her birthday present the next day, it was a disappointment when she opened it and saw it was just for the thing she'd already been given. "Dh" thus ensured that DD did not get anything new on her actual birthday, and that OP's present-giving was spoiled.