am i being a spoilt brat?

[Ravenclawmom]

ok here goes, please be gentle with me mumsnetters!

I'm not a materialistic person in the slightest, never have been but it was my birthday yesterday. DP got me some gifts, all lovely no complaints there, but then I had to spend the day alone until evening time when my family came round with gifts and cards. I have been with DP a long time and i know he's not romantic in the slightest, but i am super romantic. for his birthday i arrange trips which he loves, buy personalised gifts, i plan weeks (sometimes months) in advance, i budget tighter so i have a decent amount to spend on him, i shower him with surprises throughout the day and every year i try to outdo myself to make him feel special.
last year i bought myself birthday cards from my own children because he had "forgotten" them until the morning of my birthday, he wasn't ashamed of this and looked relived when i told him i had got them and he wasn't to worry. this year he got me cards and gifts, from both him and the children, which is better than previous years but i feel very unspecial.
am i fighting a losing battle? should i just give up all hope of every feeling important?
with everyone else i feel i am always going the extra mile to make them feel special and appreciated, even when its not their birthday, and usually I'm ok with fading into the background but come on, it was my birthday, shouldn't i atleast feel a teeny bit of something?

tell me if I'm being unreasonable?

[Bluelady]

Did you expect him to take the day off for your birthday? Literally nobody I know does this. Today's Friday, maybe he has something planned for the weekend? I think you need to take a bit more relaxed approach to birthdays generally or you're condemning yourself to a lifetime of disappointment. My adult son often forgets mine entirely.

[HRTpatch]

I presume he was at work.. ..why would he take the day off?
And why were you alone in the day....did you not make arrangements to see someone? A friend?

[DianaPrincessOfThemyscira]

Normally I’m on the side of the disappointed person but I think YABU here.

You go completely overboard and he does what most people do. He forgot cards last year but remembered this year. He got you stuff he knew you’d like.

I know you can’t help your feelings but honestly I think you need to adjust your expectations here. You are being totally unrealistic and unfair as well.

[MsHomeSlice]

who buys their own birthday cards...for goodness sake???

[GreatDuckCookery6211]

What sort of a husband is he in general?

[Aprilshowerswontbelong]

My dh was similar in the beginning - I spell out in advance now what I expect (sb here also!). I sort out the dc though, party /gifts etc. He helps with Christmas though!

[RickOShay]

What is he like generally? Have you told him how you feel? If I were you I think I would plan myself something special, and not put so much effort into dh’s birthday.

[BastardGoDarkly]

But he got you cards and gifts from him and the kids?

He's never going to go to the lengths you do for birthdays no, not many people do tbh.

[CoalTit]

If the lack of appreciation and reciprocation for gifts and gestures on his birthday is making you feel this bad you have to either stop making such an effort or insist that his efforts on your birthday equal your efforts on his birthday. The former option is a lot easier, and possibly just as effective.
Beware of martyrdom.

[SweetWonderfulYou]

I think Yabu. Just because you go the extra mile doesn’t mean he is obligated too.
Of course it would be nice if he did.

You got thoughtful gifts from him. That seems acceptable to me.

[BishBoshBashBop]

I wouldn't expect anyone to take holiday for my birthday and shower me with surprises throughout the day, no.

Sounds quite OTT

[GreatDuckCookery6211]

He got you a card and presents from him and the dc plus you had other gifts from family. You say you're not materialistic in your OP but I can't help feel a bit confused by that comment.

[SEsofty]

Surely you are at work,?
Or did you book a days leave. Did you ask him to book leave?

[SEsofty]

I also really want to know what the surprise throughout the day you do for him are. And how you do a complete day of surprise every year

[jkl0311]

@Ravenclawmom yabu men are not wired up like women! If I see my husband before tea on my birthday it's a bonus, I just tell him what I've brought myself for my birthday or what I have planned for us, he goes along with it and I'm happy. If you want something special plan it yourself!

[Ravenclawmom]

no no I didn't expect him to take the day off or anything like that. I don't know I just feel like he didn't put much effort in to make me feel appreciated.
I am the most romantic person ever (cringing at myself now) but i do go above and beyond for everyone else and I just feel abit "meh" about it all. he is the complete opposite of me, less romantic than a plank of wood tbh. I don't know why I expected anything different from him after all this time.
I need to lower my expectations don't I?

Thanks for some clarity.

[pasturesgreen]

YABVVVU.

Your DH got you 'cards' (wasn't one sufficient? Do you really need cards bought by him on behalf of you children? Don't shop-bought cards all end up in the recycling anyway?) and 'some lovely presents'.

You saw your family who came round to bring additional gifts and cards. They made a fuss of you on your birthday. I'm not sure what more where you expecting. The level of trouble you go to on your DH's birthday is unusual and I bet most people would be uncomfortable with it: you're making it almost impossible to live up to your high standards.

Sorry, but you do sound spoilt.

[Mossbystrand]

I'd scale back your partner's birthday celebrations to match your expectations tbh. I'm not suggesting that you don't bother at all but I wouldn't go over the top. He might feel a bit overwhelmed by it all, I know that my dh would if I did what you did. I wouldn't reduce my own expenditure to save money for my dh's birthday particularly when he can't be bothered with mine. If he buys you a corner shop card and chocs, you do similar and he'll soon get the message.

I think you are also enabling your partner's laziness by buying your own cards and gifts. Next time he forgets just remind him that most supermarkets are open until late so HE can GO and buy it HIMSELF. Don't be the martyr here, just assert some boundaries.

Make your birthday about yourself, fill it with what you want and who you want to spend it with. I would have booked to go out to dinner with friends, if my dh queried it then I would have replied that since he didn't make any plans I made my own.

[CougheeBean]

Sounds like a "love languages" thing - you value gifts as a show of love and that's why you spoil him for his birthday. He probably communicates and is receptive to shows of love in different ways. Try doing the 'love languages' test together, people tend to express love in the way they prefer to receive it, without realising that everyone is different. He may prefer verbal or physical affection over gifts and that's how he expresses his love to you too.

[GreatDuckCookery6211]

You know he's not romantic though. You've been with him a long time so it shouldn't come as any surprise.

Is he a good husband generally?

[Nomad86]

For my 30th I got nothing, not even breakfast. I helped dd make me a card, which I had to write myself. Yabu.

[MrsWoolySheep]

I think yab a bit u. He got you cards and presents.

I do think some of these replies are a bit odd though. What's wrong with taking leave for your ohs birthday?

Dh and I have always taken leave on our birthdays and done something nice, gone for lunch or whatever.

As for 'men are not wired the same', that's just sexist twaddle. Men and women aren't wired differently, a penis doesn't stop you from being thoughtful.

[DingDongDenny]

Very spolit indeed!

Just because birthdays and being Oh so romantic is your thing, it doesn't mean it's your DHs. His response to birthdays is perfectly normal

I suppose if you work hard enough you can teach him to fake it, but why would you. Just appreciate whatever unique qualities he already has that you love - maybe ones you don't possess yourself

Like not being spolit...

[SEsofty]

You need to tell him what you want. Eg if you want to spend the day with him then ask him to book leave well in advance.

So much disappointment and upset is because people don't actually say what they want.

Also have you ever asked him how he wants to celebrate his birthday as he may think your approach is over the top

[MargoLovebutter]

Are you very young?
Why did you have to spend the day all by yourself?
Could you not have organised something with other people for your birthday during the day while your DP was at work, if you wanted to occupy your day?
Did you tell him that you wanted him to get the DC to help make cards for you - or are you hoping that he'll get this message by osmosis?

Some men don't care that much about their own birthdays or other people's - not in a horrid way, it just doesn't go high on their radar - so if you want super, special treatment, then you have to spell it out for them.