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Snide comment from MIL,AIBU?

(110 Posts)
Jellybubbamama0987 Thu 22-Feb-18 22:53:36

My MIL is a lovely woman and has been really helpful since I met her DS however there are times where I feel there’s been a few snide comments and this last one has really wound me up so guys help me AIBU?
My DD is 5 and I’ll admit I love a bargain so majority of her clothes are charity shop finds or hand me downs from our wonderful NDN so she has a shed load of beautiful, hardly worn, well looked after clothes both her size and next size up. We’re looking round a well known supermarket and I note the lovely clothes they have to offer and she slips in “ why don’t you spend some of her family allowance on some new clothes?” And “that it would be nice for DD to have some brand new clothes you know” Just how many clothes does she need?! I’ve got a 5 drawer chest filled with clothes, a wardrobe plus a few boxes because I have no where to store them otherwise so where exactly does she expect me to put these “brand new clothes”? I do buy her the occasional new item but I limit the amount as the above problem is there. I’m a SAHM as I care for my disabled partner so can’t work,money is tight and she’s pretty well off , so AIBU to pretty much not give into the pressure I’m feeling to buy clothes she most likely will never get round to wearing as she has more clothes that she could possibly wear before she outgrows them? Or is my anxiety issues making a mountain out of a mole hill and I should just ignore the mad fool and carry on?

Blackteadrinker77 Thu 22-Feb-18 22:57:50

If she wants DD to have new clothes she can buy them.

Is your disabled partner her son? If not does her son buy DD clothes?

strawberrysparkle Thu 22-Feb-18 22:58:20

As long as your daughter is clean, clothed and comfortable that's all that matters - not where the clothes have come from.

meredintofpandiculation Thu 22-Feb-18 23:03:07

Charity shops have got a lot more "mainstream" over the past 10-20 years ago. She may not have got over the feeling she grew up with that it wasn't the done thing. So I doubt it was snide at you so much as a desire to see her GD with "nice new clothes" rather than hand-me-downs. And if she's well off, she may not fully realise your situation, and thinks you're being stubborn rather than financially prudent.

If you basically like her, then just ignore the comment. Even the best friends, DMs, MILs have their off moments.

Idontdowindows Thu 22-Feb-18 23:09:48

Like Mere said!

Depending on the age your MIL is, this may actually be something that stems from her youth. In some families, secondhand clothes were a necessity, the dreaded "handmedowns" and getting new clothes was an absolute treat, akin to Christmas and your birthday rolled into one.

If that is how she was raised, she may well see you dressing your daughter in secondhand clothes as something to feel sad for her over and she's expressing her youth in her remarks.

SaucyJack Thu 22-Feb-18 23:12:33

Do you make a performance of buying second hand stuff because you can't afford otherwise? I can't understand why else your MIL would know that none of it was bought brand new.

TBH Asda/Primark aren't particularly any more expensive than charity shops. The only people I know who don't ever buy new things are tedious middle class Earth mother types.

ratspeaker Thu 22-Feb-18 23:14:14

Heres my tuppence worth.
I used to get similar comments from my mum.
Imho theres nothing wrong with 2 nd hand clothes. I felt less stress at them getting mucky, sandy, wet. I loved getting a bargain, of having different stuff for the weans.
But my mum remembered her childhood as being of hand me downs.
Nothing as being" hers". Not being special.

So when I did buy something brand new I let her see it, labels on " oh look what I just bought " , must wash it, then dressed the kids in it next time they saw her and did not mention that the next outfit she saw was charity shop, just oh yeh that s from xxx shop ( well it was originally)

LilQueenie Thu 22-Feb-18 23:44:07

I would be more annoyed that it was said within earshot of DD tbh. Nothing wrong at all with charity shops. My own DD loves charity shops because she knows it means I can afford to buy her clothes and have enough for the toys and books. If anything buying second hand leads to more spoiling of kids not less.

Chatterbitch Thu 22-Feb-18 23:53:27

Ignore! Don't give in to this it's ridiculous.

"DD has more clothes than she can wear and they are all in good condition and well fitting. Cheers though."

Birdsgottafly Thu 22-Feb-18 23:58:53

Are you as thrifty with everything else, is your DD the only one of off the three of you wearing second hand clothing, so never gets to choose what she wears?

At her age it's possibly fine, but there is going to come a time when, for her self esteem, that she picks something new.

Sometimes what are perceived as snide comments are just an outsiders observation.

BringBiscuits Fri 23-Feb-18 00:04:02

Let it go. My ds is almost always in hand me downs as I’m fortunate enough that lots of my friends pass on their boys’ clothes once they’re done. I love it! They’re nearly always like new and it saves me a fortune. We don’t need to buy so much stuff! Don’t give in to the pressure.

SilverBirchTree Fri 23-Feb-18 00:11:11

There is nothing wrong with hand me downs or second hand finds.

We have no money problems and I still buy most of my baby’s clothes second hand. It’s better for the environment and children grow so quickly that second hand clothes are practically new anyway.

BoomBoomsCousin Fri 23-Feb-18 00:15:53

The comments, as you've relayed them, don't sound snide to me. Obviously, I wasn't there, but I agree with the posters who see it as your MIL projecting her understanding of secondhand clothes as a marker of a hard life and not wanting that for you (or her DGC), not her being snide about what you've chosen. I had a lot fo secondhand clothes as a kid. I didn't even realise at that age, but I did once I was 8ish and I would feel the same way your MIL seems to about it.

So - there's nothing wrong with what you're doing, it's canny and wise. I think you're probably letting your anxiety get the better of you. When she gets older, if you can, make sure she has a few new things, please?

OlennasWimple Fri 23-Feb-18 00:15:57

I don't think it was a snide comment at all. As pps have said, many people have grown up with charity shop and hand-me-down clothes being awful stuff that you would be ashamed to wear as it advertised to the world that you were on your knees poor.

orangesticker Fri 23-Feb-18 00:18:33

I’ve got a 5 drawer chest filled with clothes, a wardrobe plus a few boxes because I have no where to store them otherwise so where exactly does she expect me to put these “brand new clothes”? Unless all of this comes from your NDN it sounds like you have been spending quite a bit in charity shops - it's not a bargain or cheap if you don't need it.

Birdsgottafly Fri 23-Feb-18 00:31:36

Also is your DD be going to school with the children whose clothes she is wearing?

Sprinklestar Fri 23-Feb-18 00:35:08

I always pass on our DCs’ clothes and accept hand me downs happily!

VladmirsPoutine Fri 23-Feb-18 00:49:47

Just crack on and try not to let it get to you too much. In the big scheme of things it's pretty meaningless.

If she wants her dgd to have fancy shiny new clothes then perhaps she could buy them herself. That said, I'm not a fan of MiL bashing which is constantly en vogue on MN.

Think no more if it.

nursy1 Fri 23-Feb-18 00:50:25

For goodness sake. She is 5 years old. I doubt any of her classmates would notice. Kids that age only mind if their parents think it’s important.
My youngest two were always in handme downs not only from older siblings but also from my sister who had two a few months older.
I think it could be an issue as your dc gets into her teens but grandma can step in at that point if your situation is the same.

AnnieAnoniMouse Fri 23-Feb-18 00:53:57

It does sound snide. There was NO need for her to mention ‘her family allowance’ as though you’re spending it all on booze & fags.

Make use of hand me downs while you can, you get far fewer when they’re older & the kids get to wanting to choose their your money for then.

AnnieAnoniMouse Fri 23-Feb-18 00:58:01

I had both older & younger cousins. There are a few items that ALL of us wore and still looked great. One in particular was quite fun/bright top and we have photos of all of us in it over the years...we loved it then & we love it now.

SilverBirchTree Fri 23-Feb-18 00:59:11

I disagree that DD will necessarily feel self conscious about second hand clothes. OP has the chance to raise a confident daughter and impart her values whether they are about

-ethical consumption
- the fun of a bargain find
- the history of a pre loved object
- not defining yourself by material possessions.
- there being no shame in being less well off than others


Keep doing what you’re doing OP

GrockleBocs Fri 23-Feb-18 01:04:43

Ds is almost entirely clothed by my friend. Her son has far cooler clothes than I'd buy and ds loves unpacking the bag of clothes. I give her some money, she's happy, ds is happy, I'm happy and the child benefit gets spent on activities or treats.

Eltonjohnssyrup Fri 23-Feb-18 01:12:26

There’s nothing wrong with hand me downs or second hand clothes.

However having said that, I do know that a lot of children who are dressed entirely in second hand clothes or hand me downs do feel resentful that they’ve never had anything that’s just theirs, or that they’ve chosen themselves, chosen especially for them or that is new and pristine rather than just getting what their given that is someone else’s cast off. It is quite a common gripe amongst younger children in families and can make them feel like they’re not special or seen as worth the expense.

She’s also getting to the age where she would probably enjoy choosing some of her own.

I would say if you can find the wiggle room in your budget or perhaps use birthday money, buying her a new outfit or two would be nice. I think being dressed entirely in hand me downs if not strictly necessary would lead to some resentment. Not having room doesn’t really cut it, just get rid of some of the hand me downs.

Primark is often cheaper than charity shops anyway.

FellOutOfBed2wice Fri 23-Feb-18 01:19:53

It may be a generational thing, my Dad who’s in his 70s is very funny about the children being clothed in charity shop finds, I think because he was poor as a kid and never had new clothes. Whereas me and DH see it as a) environmental friendly b) thrifty and c) a way of giving to charity so we shop in charity shops all the time... lots of our daughters clothes are from them and the stuff we buy is always in lovely condition and an absolute bargain. What’s not to love?

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