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AIBU?

to worry about going on this hen do?

115 replies

MissLuna · 20/10/2017 08:55

Ok so this one is a two parter, haha!

My partner and I are both PhD students. My stipend ran out in february and our DD was due in May. As a PhD student with an expired stipend I am not entitled to maternity pay and so we are living off his £13,000 a year stipend. We're in a catch 22 situation as I am less likely to get a job until I finish the PhD but I can't go back to finish it unless we can get childcare, which after rent and bills we can't afford. So - we're struggling a bit for money, but we have a beautiful LG and we're happy enough, we don't need that much!

My best friend is getting married next summer and I am a bridesmaid. I think this is kind of the way these things go nowadays but she's asked us to choose (and buy) our own dresses - which would be fine, except all of the dresses I've sent her links to, she's said no to. Obviously its going on my credit card but I'd still rather not spend a lot of money on something I'm probably only going to wear once. Then there's the hen party. She told me she just wanted a night out in a UK city but told the other bridesmaids she wanted to go abroad for a weekend. I have two panics here - firstly, my daughter will be under a year at that stage, she is BF to sleep and she doesn't take a bottle. I know by that stage (she'll be 10 months) it could all change but my chest felt so tight at the thought of leaving her. My partner told me it'd be ok and she'd be fine and if I have to leave her, it may as well be for my best friends hen party. None of my friends have kids so they don't quite understand the worry; they think I should be excited to have a weekend away from her. AIBU to worry about going? I'm scared when I get back she will no longer want to bf.

Secondly - money. We will have to get a £150 train to the wedding, plus bridesmaids dress, wedding present, and then a weekend trip to an undisclosed European destination - AIBU to feel like this is a really big ask of two people on £13,000 a year? I know it's not personal - it's not their fault we live far away and have to get a prohibitively expensive train for example - but it will add up to the cost of us going on holiday as a family.

OP posts:

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scurryfunge · 20/10/2017 08:59

Scrap the hen do. Hire a dress and get a bus to the event or start saving for the train fare.

sundowners · 20/10/2017 09:03

It really depends on where she means abroad, if we are talking Ibiza, forget it, that's £500+ at least and madness. But if you did say Paris on the Eutrostar for 1 night- there are often great deals on Eurostar and cheap hotels there? Could you try and present a stylish theme around a cheap 1 night city break like this for instance?

I detest brides that force BMs to fork out for their own dress- its just tight, mean and vile- and to then be so picky about every dress you present to her- bah... I think you need to (gently) talk to her now, to stop this getting out of hand and make her aware of your situation and budget issues.

Re. DD and breastfeeding, how long do you intend on BFing for? If not much longer than 10 months this could be really useful in starting the process of gently withdrawing it/seeing what happens? By then hopefully she wont need it to get her off to sleep anyway, and shouldn't at 10 months anyway.

MrTrebus · 20/10/2017 09:04

Honestly I'd just pull out on financial reasons. I've been bridesmaid now 3 times never really enjoyed it, the brides always become bridezillas even though they always say they won't be at the beginning. It's much ado about nothing, people don't just get married anymore it's always got to be this massive palava where someone ends up feeling like shit. Don't ask people to be bridesmaids if you're not going to pay for their dresses etc.

PeachPlumPears · 20/10/2017 09:04

Can you find a dress on eBay? No point worrying about the hen do until you know exactly what the plans are and how much it'll cost, and by that stage you may want a night away for yourself too

allegretto · 20/10/2017 09:05

Don't go? I didn't go to a good friend's hen night as it was a flight away and I couldn't afford it - and that was without a baby. I don't really see the problem.

RJnomore1 · 20/10/2017 09:06

You may not be entitled to may pay but have you checked tax credits or universal credit?

Not what your query was I know...

PeachPlumPears · 20/10/2017 09:08

Sorry that may have sounded blunt! I was in the same situation with my friend's hen do and I just went for one night, but it was in the UK so may not be an option for you. I dreaded leaving my little girl but it was ok. Maybe explain your situation to your friend and she could have a night out in the UK too so you could just go to that one?

MissLuna · 20/10/2017 09:11

@RJnomore1 yeah... I get nothing but that's the tories for you!

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MissLuna · 20/10/2017 09:12

@PeachPlumPears that's a good idea!!

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CrabappleCake · 20/10/2017 09:14

I think don't go on the hen do and explain your budget constraints on the dress. £13k and a baby doesn't leave much for luxuries. And this whole thing is a luxury.

Sticking this on a credit card, doesn't leave you much wriggle room.

notheretoargue · 20/10/2017 09:15

Don’t go to the hen do. I’ve been in your position. The wedding is the important bit, so focus on that. You can still play a part in organising the gifts for the hen or the activities on the weekend away.

I would not have left mine at 10 months for a weekend. I left her for one night at a year and that was all I felt comfortable with.

But I don’t expect them to understand or empathise with that - I didn’t have any clue what it was like for mothers before I had kids.

I would however expect them to understand about money. If they are good friends they should. Weddings are expensive. If the bride can’t afford to buy her own bridesmaid dresses surely she should be able to understand that you can’t afford a foreign holiday? Just tell her in a really matter of fact way - I’d love to come to the hen but I can’t afford to go away while I’m not earning. Perhaps you could volunteer for o make an album of photos of the hen or something?

Caulk · 20/10/2017 09:16

£150 for a train is expensive. I’m assuming you’re in somewhere rural? Are there coaches or can you use a rail ticket splitting site? Anyone else driving from a similar area?

araiwa · 20/10/2017 09:18

£13k a year between 3 of you?

you simply cant afford to do any of it. the sooner you realise this, the easier your life will be

2014newme · 20/10/2017 09:20

Tell her you can't do the hen do. Consider pulling put if bridesmaid too.
Can you do tutoring evenings or weekends? Or find some teaching work in a private school they like people with PhD and you don't need to be a qualified teacher. Even if you did it for a year then you could save up to fini6your PhD. Or even an evening job in a bar or week job in a shop. 3 people on £13k just isn't doable.

Trb17 · 20/10/2017 09:22

What scurryfunge said as first PP.

You cannot afford this.

RJnomore1 · 20/10/2017 09:23

Bloody hell thats grim.

Greyponcho · 20/10/2017 09:24

The bride needs to reassess her budget - it’s not fair to expect you to pay for being her bm by buying your own dress and then have an expensive hen abroad... she isn’t hoping the hens will pay for her too, is she?

2cats2many · 20/10/2017 09:26

Just don't go. If she's a good friend she'll understand. It's really that simple.

uokhunni · 20/10/2017 09:27

Way to go on having a baby you can't afford and blaming the Tories!

That said, my bridesmaids had to pay nothing towards the costs of being there for me and my hen night was a local meal and drinks. Your friend is an unbelievable CF making you pay for your own dress.

EnidNextDoor · 20/10/2017 09:28

I don't understand why you can't get benefits, like a p.o. has asked. Are you absolutely sure you can't?

Turquoisetamborine · 20/10/2017 09:28

I can't understand why you don't get child tax credit??

Turquoisetamborine · 20/10/2017 09:31

Sorry didn't answer the question. I signed up for a close friend's hen do in Dublin (somewhere I've been before and didn't enjoy but her choice). My youngest was 10 months when I was due to go and still bf. I paid for the flight but had to pull out in the end due to lack of money on maternity pay and I didn't want to leave him that young, he was still so dependant on me. It would have been hell for my husband. She was majorly pissed off with me as she hasn't bf so didn't understand the bond and dependence but she came round.

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MissLuna · 20/10/2017 09:34

@EnidNextDoor @Turquoisetamborine PhD students fall between the cracks. I've been to citizens advice - there is nothing. I can't claim child tax credits as they're turning to universal credit in our area - and they said I'm ineligible for universal credit!!

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MissLuna · 20/10/2017 09:35

@uokhunni we can afford her! She is wanted and adored. I just can't afford to go on a hen do - but thanks for your absolutely toxic input

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Waitingonasmile · 20/10/2017 09:37

I would step down from being a bridesmaid and explain why. What a cheek expecting you to buy your own dress!!! Hen-do is not necessary and she should understand you can't go. I would give her details of the amount you have to live on and someone with any empathy would understand.

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