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AIBU?

Should I report him for not using car seat

112 replies

BlackMirror · 19/10/2017 09:28

I have asked my ex-dp over and over to buy a car seat for our 4 year old ds. I dropped him today at his dad's and looked in his car - no car seat. I didnt say anything but i will message him. Ive emailed, texted and called about it.

Im wondering if he wont listen, if i should report him to 101 and pretend i am someone else who spotted him not in a car seat so they will tell him - then he will listen.

I know i should refuse to let him have him on the weekend, so i guess i will do that until he buys one.

WWYD?

OP posts:

Report

reallybadidea · 19/10/2017 09:30

Obviously he should have bought a car seat but why on earth didn't you just leave your car seat with him rather than let him drive around without one? I doubt the police have got time to lie in wait for him and catch him in the act.

BlackMirror · 19/10/2017 09:32

So i should undo my one from my car, which takes nearly 30 minutes to fit? really?

OP posts:

Nandoshoes · 19/10/2017 09:33

Why should she leave her car seat ? He is an adult he knows the law ! He should be responsible and get his own.

Walkingdead11 · 19/10/2017 09:33

Yes report! Oh and it's not your responsibility to provide your ex with a car seat, it's his.

specialsubject · 19/10/2017 09:33

If you are bothered about your kid being killed or disabled if there is a crash, simple answer is to refuse access. He can then complain via the authorities who will laugh him out when they find out why.

As he clearly doesn't care about the kid, he is unlikely to use a seat anyway.

elQuintoConyo · 19/10/2017 09:35

Why is the onus on the mother really ? Going by the uncontactableness (a real word!) of the ex-p from the OP, i wouldn't trust him to look after the seat if in fact he bothered to use it.

Could you go through solicitors re contact? I wouldn't want to hand over my child to someone without a carseat, no matter who they are. But you don't want to seem to be making contact difficult yourself.

reallybadidea · 19/10/2017 09:35

Of course it's his responsibility but principles aren't going to prevent a child being injured in a car crash. Or don't leave child with him.

DunkMeInTomatoSoup · 19/10/2017 09:35

And you think 101 being short staffed are going to do what about this? Tail him for a week until they see a crime being committed?

MissWimpyDimple · 19/10/2017 09:39

As he’s four, you could get him a booster for his dad’s car. It’s not ideal but better than nothing.

At that age, you can’t really expect his dad to buy a full on “takes 30 minutes” to uninstall seat.

(Yes I realise rear facing is safer etc etc) but a booster - ideally a high back one - is better than nothing!)

CurlsLDN · 19/10/2017 09:40

Hello op, unfortunately I am in the same situation. Ex DH says he has a car seat, but keeps needing to borrow mine, so I suspect he doesn't have one at all.
I am livid about it, but yes I would rather go through the hassle of removing the one from my car and fitting it in DHs car than having my son travel in a car without one. Ultimately my sons safety is the most important thing, and the politics between his dad and I, and his dad's it responsibility shouldn't put him at risk.

I feel for you though, it's SO ANNOYING!!

BrutusMcDogface · 19/10/2017 09:41

Don't leave him with your exp if he has no car seat!

And what car seat do you have that takes 30 MINUTES to fit?!

2014newme · 19/10/2017 09:41

I would. Maybe they'll do nothing but you've done all you can.

Santawontbelong · 19/10/2017 09:44

I reported exh loads of times. A long journey on a motorway several times a week. . When the police stopped him he just said he had been to the local shop =no seat needed. . A judge told him to purchase one and he still ignored. . Send him emails with photos of dc killed in car accidents. Maybe prick his conscience or maybe just clarify he is a prick.

RaeCJ82 · 19/10/2017 09:45

I wouldn’t be leaving my car seat for him, I just wouldn’t be leaving my child with him until he bought a seat. You can buy a perfectly good, brand new, booster seat for under £40. No excuses. No seat, no contact.

Uokbing · 19/10/2017 09:48

I don't understand what you think 101 are going to do about this?!

Can you refuse to let him have DS until he gets a proper car seat and uses it?

skinoncustard · 19/10/2017 09:51

At that age, you can’t really expect his dad to buy a full on “takes 30 minutes” to uninstall seat

Why not ?

My DGD visits 3 or 4 times a year and we bought a car seat , wouldn't dream of taking any child in the car without one .
As far as I know children should be in age/height appropriate car seats a lot longer than 4 years .

BertieBotts · 19/10/2017 09:56

Firstly - while it would obviously be better for a four year old to be in a car seat, studies do show that actually they are not at such massive risk as long as they are at least wearing a seatbelt so try not to panic about it.

However what he is doing is illegal. Does he know that? A high backed booster can be bought for about £30 and a backless one less than £10, which is actually not legal for a 4 year old any more, but would still be better than nothing. (Second hand ones would be legal.) You could call 101 to ask them about this - but I think it's unlikely they will do anything. And most people wouldn't notice a child strapped in as long as they aren't bouncing around the car, so in reality, he probably won't ever get pulled over for it.

Actually, what I'd do is send an email outlining the law (12 years old or 135cm) and provide links to inexpensive seats which cover the weight class DS is in - which will be a high backed, not backless booster. Hopefully that's enough of a kick up the arse he'll pick one up. When it's coming up to the time that he normally picks him up, text him asking "Have you sorted out a car seat for DS yet?"

Do not comment on the type of car seat even if you would prefer him to be rear facing, harnessed, whatever.

If he still does not provide a car seat then I would buy a basic, backless booster - I know that these are no longer approved for children under 125cm, but honestly, it is going to be absolutely no use buying him something bigger if he refuses to use it, and of course a waste of money. So the cheapest £5 booster, show DS how to use it himself so that you're confident it will get buckled properly with the belt hooked under the wings, and send it with him every time. Tell DS himself not to do things like - put the seatbelt under his arm to hold it lower or the diagonal part behind his back. (These are common ways adults adapt seatbelts to fit children which cause injury). It is better for DS to sit behind the seatbelt even if the belt is bothering his neck than for him to tuck it under his arm.

It's about damage limitation - this is probably about as much as you can do unless you're actually willing to withhold contact.

VacantExpression · 19/10/2017 09:56

30 minutes to fit a car seat?? eh?

Yes I would be taking legal advice and stopping access if I felt my childs safety was at risk

confusedlittleone · 19/10/2017 09:58

What the hell kind of car seat have you got!? Even our top of the range ones only take about 5

Skyechasemarshalsfanmum · 19/10/2017 10:00

Could he have a carseat in the house? We sometimes have to remove them from the car even our isofix one for my dhs work stuff.

FizzyGreenWater · 19/10/2017 10:01

Yes, you should refuse access.

Make it clear as crystal in a text or email, be polite, tell him you're putting it in writing so that he has all the proof he needs of why you have refused access. He buys a car seat and fits it, and until that is done and there is a car seat in his car then that is that, no access, and you will be delighted if he decides to take this further as you would like it to be as official as possible rather than descend into a personal row. That you are disappointed that he so far has not prioritised DS's safety as well as being willing to break the law, that you are also concerned yourself about being accused of failing to protect your DS should he be reported, most of all you are worried about DS's safety and so you are sure he understands why you can't allow access.

guineapig1 · 19/10/2017 10:01

I doubt police resources would extend to this tbh.
I get your frustration but if you know for a fact that he doesnt have a car seat why on earth would you allow your child to travel in his car. Yes, I appreciate that its his responsibility but I would be too concerned about the safety aspect and would either a) refuse to allow the child to travel in his car or b)send the seat with the child and get it back on return.

Do you definitely know he doesn't have a seat? I often remove children's car seats if I am offering lifts to friends or colleagues etc. Doesn't mean I haven't got one in the boot or at home.

Incidentally do people seriously have car seats that take 30mins to install? Lots of families swap the seats between cars in accordance with the days requirements. Some nurseries even have a storage area for car seats etc due to one parent dropping off and another picking up etc.

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sharklovers · 19/10/2017 10:02

30 minutes to fit a car seat??

WTF? Takes about 3 to swap ours between cars.

elQuintoConyo · 19/10/2017 10:03

Again, why should the OP buy a booster seat? If not to twat her ex round the head with?

I'd restrict contact until mr gormless bucks the fuck up.

BlackMirror · 19/10/2017 10:05

Fuck knows, it took me forever to strap in - theres a long strap that goes around the back. it just took a lot of faffing - Not the point of my post - he is NOT having my one, i have enough to do being a single parent with no family nearby, working full time, no way.

No, i do not expect the police to tail him for a week, daft responses, i mean i could report him for driving without one and maybe they would call him and warn him.

I've emailed him a stern email saying he will not have ds this weekend if he doesnt buy one asap.

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