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Wedding invite/ begging poem.

(295 Posts)
Rriot Mon 26-Jun-17 10:08:15

We have been invited to a wedding. Evening invite only.

The invitation included a tacky poem asking for cash gifts. (Guests invited to the whole day didn't get a begging letter poem hmm)

The bottom line is, we can't really afford to give cash. Generally I'd put my feelings about this type of request aside and give what was asked for but I think the very small amount we can afford to give will look mean.

My alternatives are to give a cheap but nice gift, or donate to the charity that I know is close to the family's heart. I don't want to give a wrapped present if we will be the only ones who do so, not sure how they will feel about a donation to charity.


RibenaMonsoon Mon 26-Jun-17 10:10:07

Can you not give them the cash for whatever you were going to spend on them?

If you can't afford to give them cash how can you afford to donate to the charity?

waitforitfdear Mon 26-Jun-17 10:10:08

Go and give what you can comfortable afford.

Crumbs1 Mon 26-Jun-17 10:10:41

These things are tacky but if you can afford to give to charity then you can give them a monetary present. They asked for cash and that is what you should give - even if it's only a small amount.

KoalaDownUnder Mon 26-Jun-17 10:12:16

I would give an inexpensive but nice gift. There is never anything wrong with that.

The fact that they 'requested cash' is irrelevant. They don't get to do that, unless you ask what they want; it's a gift, so it's at the giver's discretion.

hilbil21 Mon 26-Jun-17 10:12:57

Can you afford £20 That's what we got off a few of our evening guests and I wasn't offended at all. A couple of them only gave a card.

Rriot Mon 26-Jun-17 10:20:54

Not really hilbil, that's more than we have to spend on ourselves for things we need at the moment and I do think £5-£10 cash will look mean. The only way I could give more is to give them a cash gift but decline our invitation.

They are the type of family who cry you down and make things up if anything isn't suiting them. I know that says more about them than it does me but I could do without the drama/ feeling embarrassed.

I figured I could get something special for very little money or that they couldnt really argue about any charity donation given that they bleat about how important it is constantly.

KoalaDownUnder Mon 26-Jun-17 10:23:24

They are the type of family who cry you down and make things up if anything isn't suiting them.

This + asking for £ for an evening invitation = I wouldn't even go.

AtHomeDadGlos Mon 26-Jun-17 10:27:11

Just give a card. Especially if you're only going to the evening part. You'll not be costing them a lot (as if that mattered) so don't need to feel obliged to give a gift. Besides, they won't find out until the day after the wedding.

handslikecowstits Mon 26-Jun-17 10:28:23

They are the type of family who cry you down and make things up if anything isn't suiting them

Easy then. Politely decline and save yourselves some money.

AvoidingCallenetics Mon 26-Jun-17 10:28:59

I don't understand why you are going to this. If you are struggling for money, an evening invitation is going to cost you - doubt the bar will be free if they are hitting you up for money.
Look, they are basically treating you like a cash cow. It's very rude to request money from guests, esp evening only guests, who should just be taking a token present imo.

SexandDrugsandaNiceCuppa Mon 26-Jun-17 10:29:09

Evening invite = nice card only, or reasonably decent bottle of wine if I'm feeling generous. How can people demand cash from guests who they don't consider important enough to attend the main event? Bloody cheek.

Rriot Mon 26-Jun-17 10:30:16

I know it sounds ridiculous but I really don't think I can decline the invite.

It's a bit of an odd relationship but would cause alot of tension if we don't go.

gamerchick Mon 26-Jun-17 10:30:29

I don't give gifts for an evening do. You're just there to make up numbers after all. A card will do.

If they're drama types I would avoid it completely.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks Mon 26-Jun-17 10:32:04

Just take a nice card.
Unless you suspect a doorman will frisk you and no cash will =no entry??

KoalaDownUnder Mon 26-Jun-17 10:32:18

Okay, if you can't decline: take a card and whatever gift you can afford.

Seriously, let them bitch. Safe in the knowledge you've done nothing wrong, and they will look like rude twats.

StripySocks1 Mon 26-Jun-17 10:32:34

I would give a £10 bottle of prosecco as it's not going to clutter up their home if their poem is the 'we have everything we need' type. Then if they had the cheek to complain about it (which I highly doubt anyone would) it would only reflect poorly on them.

Goingtobeawesome Mon 26-Jun-17 10:33:23

Then skint yourself and give in to them.

Harsh, yes but I'm trying to imbue you with strength to put a stop to this behaviour they inflict on you.

You don't go = tension = you giving into bullies.

Spam88 Mon 26-Jun-17 10:35:14

Asking for gifts from evening guests isn't really the done thing is it 🙈 it's a shame they've made you feel the way you do, it shouldn't matter whether you take a gift or not. I think a little token gift is fine though, we had things like photo frames and key rings from some of our evening guests.

newnoo Mon 26-Jun-17 10:37:13

They ask for cash.

There'll be tension if you don't go.

You're evening guest only.

I'd be like WTF. Friendship is a two way thing.

Looks like you're being taken for a ride, emotionally and financially.

Tinnie88 Mon 26-Jun-17 10:37:18

Just give a card and a bottle of fizz (£6 Sainsbury's own would be fine!) we got married last year and although we didn't specify any gifts would have hated to think one of our guests was in this dilemma. We have guests (day & evening) who just gave cards and this was fine! A bottle of fizz stops you going completely empty handed, doesn't cost a lot and will definitely get used (much more useful than 50 Mr/Mrs mugs/signs etc)

The only guests we were a bit 🙄 At is a very well off couple who always brag about money. We gave £65 to the year before at their wedding as we felt we had to given they were so well off and money has a lesser value to them. They gave us £20...a month late. The forgetting of the card was what got me. And even then I just put it down to their circumstances which could have changed and not because they are intentionally mean.

newnoo Mon 26-Jun-17 10:38:40

What's the cost of NOT going.

Freedom to do what you want.

Freedom to no longer be cried down on.

Freedom to not have any tension in your life from them.

Freedom to spend cash on what you want to spend it on.

Sounds good to me smile

Morphene Mon 26-Jun-17 10:39:48

Rriot you need to take a step back and a deep breath and decide if YOU want to attend.

If the answer is no then don't go. There is only one way to deal with people who bully you socially to the point you feel compelled to attend things and give gifts you can't afford - and that is to stand up to them.

I spent several years of my life being torn up between two people who both behaved in this way, to the point that I had no opinions of my own about what I actually liked to do in my spare time. It was shit and it was painful to get out of, but totally worth it.

thereallochnessmonster Mon 26-Jun-17 10:40:13

Agree with newnoo

BadLad Mon 26-Jun-17 10:40:13

Care to share the poem?wink

BarbaraofSeville Mon 26-Jun-17 10:42:33

If you want to go, go with nothing or a bottle of fizz to your budget - you can get cava or prosecco from £5/6 up in any supermarket that is perfectly lovely. Don't bother with photo frames, glasses etc, most people don't want or need them.

If you don't want to go, just don't go. No need for any angst or drama.

kaitlinktm Mon 26-Jun-17 10:43:34

So it will cause tension if you don't go.
It will cause tension if you give a wrapped gift.
It will cause tension if you give a smaller amount than suggested demanded.
It will cause tension if you just give a card.
I think you have to decide which will cause the least tension and go with that.
Can't you have a not genuine prior commitment?
They don't sound very comfortable friends to have.

OoohSmooch Mon 26-Jun-17 10:44:16

I so hate poems! When we got married we said a sorely NOTHING about gifts or money or anything. As it happened most gifts were money.

I've been to a wedding recently where they did the poem thing (family wedding!) and people still gave actual gifts as they were placed on the table with the card box.

I'm a wedding obsessive and I think a card and a bottle of bubbles will do nicely.

missdoings Mon 26-Jun-17 10:44:50

Don't give them a photo frame! We had twenty ish! wish I'd written dodgy poem

KoalaDownUnder Mon 26-Jun-17 10:46:04

I really loathe this idea of 'They asked for cash so that's what you should give them'. You're not Father bloody Christmas and they are not your children. You can give them whatever you damn well like.

My sister had a rather large, expensive wedding with sit-down dinner and open bar. No registry or mention of gifts. One of her closest friends gave her a fridge magnet in a card, because the friend was a skint single mother at the time. Sister loved it (and still has it on the fridge 10+ years later!)

Rriot Mon 26-Jun-17 10:46:46

It's hard to explain, I don't feel bullied or pressure by the couple to go really. I'm pretty out of their way most of the time but the rest of pur family are not.

It's easier on everyone if I just go.

I'll share the poem if I can find it. The invite wasnt sent to me so I only have a photograph of it.

Designerenvy Mon 26-Jun-17 10:48:02

I personally wouldn't go. I'd make up an excuse because firstly, they have some cheek expecting evening guests to give cash gifts ....they sound vile and secondly if I was that strapped for cash I'd stay home and keep my money for something g I might actually enjoy with people I like.
Any evenings I've gone to I've given a card and a nice frame or bottle of bubbly.
I really wouldn't go !

Designerenvy Mon 26-Jun-17 10:49:49

They didn't even have the manners to send u an individual invite????. ...c'mon now .... don't go

OoohSmooch Mon 26-Jun-17 10:49:51

*absolutely not 'a sorely' doh

Rriot Mon 26-Jun-17 10:50:10

I can't find the picture of the poem but the begging bit went something like

"if you feel you have to
Bless us with a gift
Vouchers or some cash
Would give us a lift"

Confused24 Mon 26-Jun-17 10:51:28

I ignore these every time. Money gifts just cause issues of how much is enough/too much. I find gift lists just as tacky (personal preference no offence to anyone who uses them) we refused to use any as it reads to me "hey you can come to our special day but it will cost you 😉" i always take a gift but I like to choose it myself so it's personal from me to them

SleepFreeZone Mon 26-Jun-17 10:51:50

I would just go for a wrapped gift. No one normal is going to throw their toys if someone has made the effort to come to their celebration and brought along a present.

ladyamy Mon 26-Jun-17 10:51:56

I hate all this. If you've been given a day invitation, you'll receive a meal and I assume some free wine so it would be expected you would give a present, although asking for cash is breathtakingly presumptuous and rude. If you're going to the evening do, I would say a card and an inexpensive present would suffice. Card Factory are doing 'Mr & Mrs' mugs for, I think, £5.99. A bit cheesy but harmless and things like that can be embraced at weddings.

TempusEedjit Mon 26-Jun-17 10:52:02

OP you need to watch this Ted talk:

The magic of not giving a f***

Notknownatthisaddress Mon 26-Jun-17 10:52:05

Someone indulge me coz I am obviously thick.

Why do people get het up about cash gift requests? We have been to 4 weddings in the past 3 years, and 2 of them requested cash gifts, (as they had been living together for a few years and didn't need anything,) and they both had a kind of 'gift box' like the one to the left here.


People then put an envelope in with a tenner or a hundred pounds, or fifty pounds, or two hundred pounds, or a fiver, whatever they could afford. The bride and groom were grateful for anything and nobody knew what anyone had put in. The cash was put in a blank envelope - provided on the way in if you didn't already have one - and you could just put what you wanted in.

Why do people have meltdowns when cash is requested? I don't get it.

Yeah the poems are naff, but why do people get irked by requests of cash gifts? Do the couples they know have someone sitting on the door on the way into the wedding (or reception,) with a log book, making a record of how much everyone gives at these weddings or something?

If not, then I don't get why people get irked by requests of cash gifts. Far better that, than getting a dozen toasters, (when you already have one!) Or receiving 99 towels!

YesMadamDeputySpeaker Mon 26-Jun-17 10:54:03

As an English teacher, poetry invites get you immediately knocked down unless they're really really good

In all seriousness, as many posters have already said, if I was in your situation, I wouldn't go. However, I'm not, and from what you've said it's probably not that easy.

But you need to consider first - money and gift aside - do you actually want to go?

RedSkySuperStar Mon 26-Jun-17 10:56:36

You won't be the only person to ignore the poem trust me! Just get them a wrapped gift

nina2b Mon 26-Jun-17 11:00:49

The tacky poem asking for cash is such poor form. No decent people would ask for such a thing. Ugh

cakecakecheese Mon 26-Jun-17 11:02:03

Any amount of cash should be appreciated, if they're the type of people who won't, then yeah I wouldn't even bother going.

ZanyMobster Mon 26-Jun-17 11:03:37

I can't see the issue TBH, what sort of person would be offended if you popped a tenner in a card, we would have been more than happy with that, you definitely need new friends if it's an issue.

I really can't see the fuss over cash/honeymoon voucher/gift card requests, I would much rather get someone something they want than yet another photo frame they don't need.

nina2b Mon 26-Jun-17 11:08:25

Some people just don't get it, do they? You should be grateful for your gifts even if they are duplicated. Not being grateful and expecting money instead, is simply bad manners. The poem senders know you will be too embarrassed to give less than a certain amount in double figures.

Quadrangle Mon 26-Jun-17 11:08:39

If there's two of you going, could you afford a tenner each? If not the bottle of fizz is a good idea.

Designerenvy Mon 26-Jun-17 11:10:57

Most cash gifts are not anonymous like your friends wedding. This puts people ( who cld be struggling financially) under pressure ....usually given in a signed card.
I personally don't mind cash requests for a full day invite ( it makes my life easier) but an evening invite shouldn't request cash in my opinion.

MrsMozart Mon 26-Jun-17 11:13:43

I think I would be ill that weekend...

BarbaraofSeville Mon 26-Jun-17 11:15:42

nina What purpose does a pile of unwanted photo frames serve?

I'd rather have nothing than a photo frame because I'll never use it, will shove it in a drawer for a couple of years before guiltily sending it to a charity shop, to join thousands of other unwanted photo frames, which will probably be bought by people trying to teach others a lesson for having the nerve to invite them to their wedding.

Why on earth would anyone go to the effort of going out to choose a gift that they know someone doesn't want simply to prove some sort of 'my manners are better than your manners' point?

They might genuinley not care about the money, not everyone does. And a fiver a head from dozens of guests still adds up to a significant sum.

Laiste Mon 26-Jun-17 11:16:56

The way to avoid the mind bending horror of getting duplicate wedding gifts or a gift you don't like is to provide a wedding list upon request with plenty of affordable bits on it or specify no gifts necessary on the invite. Not ask for money!

Does anyone put cash requests on any other type of invite? No. Why? It's rude. No different for weddings IMO.

Laiste Mon 26-Jun-17 11:18:08

I'd rather have nothing than a photo frame

Then why not put that on the invite? hmm It's no less rude than saying cash only please!

BarbaraofSeville Mon 26-Jun-17 11:20:06

Then why not put that on the invite

Because then you get hoardes of people saying 'I couldn't possibly turn up empty handed' and then buy a bloody photo frame.

Laiste Mon 26-Jun-17 11:20:16

The world is divided into people who think asking your guests for money is rude and those who don't.

Say what you like on your invites, but know apx 50% of the recipients will be rolly eyed grin

burnoutbabe Mon 26-Jun-17 11:21:43

if you haven't actually been invited directly, but included in your parents invite, then just shove your name on your parents card and pay nothing!

Or given a gift card which they won't know how much is on it until they go to redeem it!

Namechangearoo Mon 26-Jun-17 11:22:43

We asked for cash at our wedding blush

We got married in the UK, where we are from and all our family lives, and then flew straight home after the wedding. Gifts (even a bottle of fizz) would have been completely wasted as our bags were already loaded to the point of bursting with all the paraphernalia that we'd had to bring over with us.

We didn't write a tacky poem, though - we just explained the above in a polite way (I hope).

We still got some people giving us a gift, and they ended up donated to charity as we hardly ever go back to the UK and when we do our bags are usually stuffed with things we need to take back with us!

Some people literally gave us £10 in a card and we were bloody grateful for it. Only 3 people needed to do this before we could afford a double hammock from IKEA which we both really wanted grin

The wrapped gifts were all nice ideas, but quite honestly we would have preferred £5.

Laiste Mon 26-Jun-17 11:24:09

We put nothing about gifts on our invites. If and when anyone asked we said we didn't need gifts thanks, just bring themselves.

Guess what? Most bunged some money in with their wedding card and that was that. We asked no one for money. We were happy, they were happy.

If anyone had sent us a photo frame we didn't want we'd have thanked them and dealt with it later.

YouOKHun Mon 26-Jun-17 11:25:19

I only give cash to charity. I don't give cash on demand and I think it's so bad mannered to ask for cash. It's obvious that it's going to be awkward for guests who have less money and anyone with any manners wouldn't put you in this position. It's not for the B&G to dictate what gifts they get. They should put up and shut up AND write a proper thank you letter for any gift received (B&Gs not so forthcoming putting pen to paper to say thank you I notice). Aren't people ashamed to look so grabby? Buy a nice card, nowt else.

ZanyMobster Mon 26-Jun-17 11:28:08

Nina2b most decent people are grateful with any gift but why not just suggest a preference, people don't have to follow it. We still had a variety of gifts/cash/vouchers which was lovely. By putting an idea for guest in the invite we got mainly the vouchers we liked but also had some lovely ornaments, photo frames, bubbly etc. It was lovely opening a few surprise gifts but we didn't have 10 of everything. We didn't give a poem BTW, just explained our reasons for asking.

A few people gave nothing which was absolutely fine, we only invited people we wanted to celebrate with, not random long lost relatives etc so their company was truly what we wanted.

ZanyMobster Mon 26-Jun-17 11:30:19

I have to say, I have never received an invite DEMANDING cash, just giving it as a suggestion. That would be totally different.

Not writing thank you notes is bloody rude, regardless of the gift or monetary amount!!!

usernamenonumber Mon 26-Jun-17 11:30:45

Actually the quoted bit from the poem doesn't sound very demanding.
"if you feel you have to"

I wouldn't feel obliged by that, nor take offence.

I love the idea of giving a fridge magnet grin

grasspigeons Mon 26-Jun-17 11:31:10

I wouldn't give a gift you can't afford. I would send a lovely card.

Puzzledandpissedoff Mon 26-Jun-17 11:32:01

I sometimes wonder why B&Gs like this don't just sell tickets and be done with it; after all, their vulgar request to evening only guests couldn't have made it clearer that they're expected to pay for the privilege, so why not be upfront about it?

IMO a gift, whether money or anything else, is something which may be hoped for but is definitely not to be commanded. Also, since most guests now give cash anyway, I'm afraid that all this talk about "multiple toasters" and "making guests' lives easier" seems to me just a smokescreen for greed

Given that they're so graceless overall, I'd personally refuse the invite and send a card - or failing that make the donation to charity, which might at least help someone who'd appreciate it

Rriot Mon 26-Jun-17 11:32:10

The invitation was adressed to DP and myself but instead of posting it, they handed it to someone else who lives closer to pass it on.

I have no intention of getting them a photo frame or mugs or anything, I do know them well enough that I'd be able to get something useful/ to their taste.

As I said, if I could afford to, I'd give cash, but no-one cam pretend that with most people there's a bit of expectation about minum amounts, and whilst I wish I had a thick enough skin not to give a shit, I do.

ZanyMobster Mon 26-Jun-17 11:33:35

Puzzled - at my first wedding 15 years ago, we received 3 toasters!!

JigsawBat Mon 26-Jun-17 11:38:10

I also don't get the issue with asking for money. If you don't need anything else, and the money would really help you out or give you something to enjoy yourselves with, then absolutely tell me and I'll get what you want.

Rather that than waste money on things that aren't wanted/needed, however nice they are.

We asked for money for our wedding, but we appreciated absolutely everything of course. And we really didn't mind whether people got us nothing, a small amount or a larger amount of money, if cash was their way forward.

We asked for money, we didn't demand it, and I certainly wouldn't have wanted anyone feeling like they had to turn down the invite for the sake of not wanting to give a gift. They were the important bit, not the money.

As it was we were given cash that allowed us to go on our first ever holiday together. Some people gave lovely little gifts and decorations, instead. We did get a lot of photo frames, and we've never been able to use them so they're in a drawer half a decade later. One person gave us a £1 bag of sweets. We loved that. It was great after the stress of the wedding (because getting married might be fun, but it is hard!) to get home the next morning and just sit and share a bag of sweets whilst we relaxed. And of the guests that gave us cash, some gave £5 and some gave £50 and we really appreciated almost every gift equally.

The one gift that we felt a bit upset by was a £5 note given by a family of five that we'd invited. And it wasn't that it was £5. If they'd given that peacefully, we'd not have been bothered. But this family was a well-off family that seized every opportunity on their wedding day to brag about how much money they had. They compared the price of our wedding with ours and kept talking about it. They talked about how they were redecorating an entire room to match one small object within it, because they liked the object but couldn't possibly have anything out of place. The entire day was 'look how much money they have', and with all that the £5 felt like an insult.

But would a £5 note be an insult otherwise? Not at all. It's a lovely gift and would pay for a dessert at a restaurant if we went out, or a DVD and popcorn for a night in our holiday accommodation. Every £1 made a difference, and every gift (money or otherwise) was appreciated.

The only reason for the money request was to stop people spending their hard-earned money on (much appreciated) gifts that we wouldn't ever be able to use. And some ignored our request, as was their choice.

lanouvelleheloise Mon 26-Jun-17 11:39:58

Isn't it protocol that presents should normally roughly equal the cost of the meal? I was always taught that way growing up, but then again the person who taught me believes in ghosts and all sorts of weirdness so it could just be random and wrong!!

I would have a word with your friend and explain the situation. Tell her you feel embarrassed about coming, given that you can't afford any more than the smallest gift. Hopefully she'll say that she'd rather have you there and that it doesn't matter, and then you get rid of any embarrassment any any mistaken expectations. Just being honest about this is vital.

PinguPaws Mon 26-Jun-17 11:41:18

I think the donating to a charity that they support is the way to go. It's confidential how much you give, be it £1.00 or £10000. Just say in the card "a donation has been made on your behalf to X charity". No way any decent person could be unhappy with that.

NC4now Mon 26-Jun-17 11:43:34

It doesn't sound like they are demanding cash, just saying they'd prefer it to an unwanted gift.
Saying that, you can't go wrong with a bottle of fizz. I loved our wedding champagne/prosecco haul! It's easy to give away if space really is too tight. Has any bridesmaid ever said no to prosecco?

MickeyRooney Mon 26-Jun-17 11:46:28

Don't go.
You only been deemed 'good enough' for the evening invite anyway.
fuck them.

if you're that horribly broke you shouldn't go.
its an invite, not a summons.

Jux Mon 26-Jun-17 11:50:40

Agree with Ianouvelleheloise. Explain to her, she - being a findamentally nice person who wants you to be there - says don't worry about a present or anything just come. You put a fiver in an envelope and she is delighted, having expected nothing.

Aeroflotgirl Mon 26-Jun-17 11:54:49

Just give them a card, and decline the invite. A poem is extremely tacky, but to only give that to the evening guests is downright rude. they want them as a cash cow that is offensive.

Puzzledandpissedoff Mon 26-Jun-17 11:57:21

With us it was vases, ZanyMobster - eight of the things!! (Which admittedly was 38 years ago, when folk rarely gave cash for wedding gifts). It didn't matter, though - they were all eventually used or regifted, and it was the kind intentions of the givers which meant most

As I said, I doubt anyone's unaware that most give money now anyway - especially if they're unsure what would be best - so the vulgar poems and all the rest are not only graceless but unnecessary

user1497888420 Mon 26-Jun-17 12:00:12

Just take a card or decline the invitation.

I have no problem with people asking for £ as a gift (most of us already have everything we need these days so why not spend on a honeymoon) but...

I wouldn't expect evening guests to bring a gift really and if I didn't like the family I wouldn't go to their wedding.

Colacolaaddict Mon 26-Jun-17 12:00:24

Take the "if you feel you have to" thing literally. There are a gazillion other terrible poems they could have chosen that don't put it like that. Fizz and a card IMO.

MadisonAvenue Mon 26-Jun-17 12:02:07

We've had evening invites a couple of times over the last two years, each complete with a begging poem.

For the first one, two years ago, we gave £20. We hadn't got transport to factor into going to the party as it was at a hotel in our village and we could walk there in 5 minutes.

Last year though we had a 90 minute drive to get to the evening venue (even though it was my husband's colleague who lived in the same village as us), and then obviously the same back again, plus the bar at the incredibly pretentious venue is notoriously expensive, so I bought a bottle of Prosecco and gave that along with a card.

Just as an aside, we didn't get a thank you from either couple.

ZanyMobster Mon 26-Jun-17 12:02:50

Yes you're probably right Puzzled, I think things have changed a lot since my wedding(s). We actually had a gift lift 1st time, loads of small bits and still ended up with 3 toasters and other duplicates. XMIL bought 1 of anything that should be a pair to ensure she was only buying a gift for XH ie 1 pillow, 1 bath towel (but that's a completely different thread!)

Notknownatthisaddress Mon 26-Jun-17 12:03:12

@Designerenvy Most cash gifts are not anonymous.

As I said, indulge me...

How do people take the cash gifts they request?

Do they insist on a bank transfer, do they open your envelope when you're on the way in, and log how much everyone gives, so they can decide if they still want to be friends? 'Sue and Alan gave fifty quid, Liz and Keith gave a tenner. Cross Liz and Keith off the Christmas card list, and make sure they are sat far away from the buffet so there's only scraps left by the time they get to it!!!'


I seriously, GENUINELY do not see a issue with people requesting cash.


Some people just don't get it, do they? You should be grateful for your gifts even if they are duplicated. Not being grateful and expecting money instead, is simply bad manners. The poem senders know you will be too embarrassed to give less than a certain amount in double figures

I should be grateful?!

I don't want 20 bloody toasters. It's a waste of my time and a waste of a friend or relative's money! They will all get given to a charity shop, or regifted, or binned. Far better if cash is given, even if it's only a tenner, as the bride and groom can pool it together and buy something decent and significant.

I ask again, all these awful people who have asked you people for cash gifts; how are the gifts taken in? Are the envelopes being opened, and each person's money logged? Are they requesting a bank transfer???

I seriously doubt that, and I am willing to bet that the couples in question just have a box similar to the one I posted a picture of.

People are being over dramatic and precious.

Nothing whatsoever wrong with requesting cash gifts. It makes sense if you don't need anything for the house. I have never ever in my life seen anyone DEMAND a cash gift as @youokhun stated upthread. ^ People only ask... WTF is wrong with that?

And as for @puzzledandpissedoff saying peoples 'vulgar requests' are a 'smokescreen for greed.' What a load of utter bollocks.

If it's stressing you out so much, then don't go to the bloody wedding! I am sure people with the kind of attitude displayed by a few people on this thread won't be missed!

mogloveseggs Mon 26-Jun-17 12:03:52

lanouvelle if the present value should equal the meal then round here in hotels it would be around £60!

Donttouchthethings Mon 26-Jun-17 12:05:56

Write them a poem explaining your situation in a nice, fun way and stick it in a card. Include lots of good wishes and niceties and maybe an invite to yours for after the honeymoon. That way, you're still blessing them and reciprocating without giving yourself financial or family difficulties. If they care about you at all, they will appreciate your situation and your effort. If you think they won't then definitely don't go.

Donttouchthethings Mon 26-Jun-17 12:11:03

However, if there's going to be an anonymous box for money, don't worry about it - just go and enjoy yourself.

Cuppaoftea Mon 26-Jun-17 12:12:54

As old uni friends and wedding guests of one couple we were asked for money towards a house deposit and honeymoon. It's awfully grabby, not something I expected of the bride at all.

Those are things to save for yourselves and perhaps close family to help with if they're able.

LagunaBubbles Mon 26-Jun-17 12:15:39

Dont go. It doesnt really matter how much "tension" it would cause. Why would you go to someones wedding anyway if you were that skint?

user1497888420 Mon 26-Jun-17 12:17:11

It definitely doesn't need to equal the meal. Our meals plus evening catering is £125 plus VAT per head. I would not expect to get that back from each couple! confused

user1497888420 Mon 26-Jun-17 12:20:33

Why is it grabby?

I don't get this at all.

I've been to many weddings and have never, ever been to one without a nicely worded pointer towards either a gift list or honeymoon donation. It's completely accepted British culture that one takes something to a wedding.

So presumably it's asking for a donation to a honeymoon rather than a gift list that's grabby? Why?

I literally have everything I need, any material gifts would be totally wasted so isn't it less grabby to have a donation towards a once in a lifetime experience rather than more material goods?

GherkinSnatch Mon 26-Jun-17 12:22:27


I would imagine they would know who each cash gift came from because it would have been either in the wedding card, and therefore "Love from Aunty Dorothy", or a cheque. People also tend to say who's giving the gift because of the thank you cards.

ExConstance Mon 26-Jun-17 12:22:32

Surely it is less grabby to ask for cash in this way "if you feel you have to" than to send out some lavish list from John Lewis or Selfridges? A friend of mine always gives the B&G a decanter I think this is quite rude as the gift is not tailored to their wishes.

Puzzledandpissedoff Mon 26-Jun-17 12:22:59

And as for *@puzzledandpissedoff saying peoples 'vulgar requests' are a 'smokescreen for greed.' What a load of utter bollocks*

Or perhaps just a different opinion?

Unless of course your horror at the suggestion that a couple might be grateful for gifts suggests I touched a nerve ...

lanouvelleheloise Mon 26-Jun-17 12:23:41

This is interesting! Not wanting to derail but I would consider £100 an absolute minimum amount for a wedding present for a formal occasion with a sit down meal. For a close friend, I'd spend nearer £300, family £400-500. Happy to be told I'm wrong, as it will save a fortune!

usernamenonumber Mon 26-Jun-17 12:26:37

I don't get the anger about being invited to the evening party.

When the couple know a lot of people, it's not realistic to expect them to invite everyone to the ceremony and reception. Capacity is a factor as well as expense.

An evening party is a nice way to include all the people you would like to have invited, but couldn't.

HopefulHamster Mon 26-Jun-17 12:26:50

We went to an evening do recently and they had asked for cash, which we took. But plenty of people took bottles. That's what I'd do in your situation!

GahBuggerit Mon 26-Jun-17 12:33:03

I never give cash or vouchers, especially if its been begged for. So tacky and cringe inducing.

Bottle of fizz or whatever you had in mind is absolutely fine OP.

£100 on a wedding gift paying for their wedding for them shock fuck no. I dont even spend that on my kids at Christmas!!!

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered Mon 26-Jun-17 12:41:38

I love it when people request cash, tons easier than faffing about shopping for a gift! I don't find it offensive at all. We asked for no gifts for our wedding because it was in DH's country of birth so flights were about £100 pp even before other costs were factored in, but I wouldn't turn up to a wedding in the UK empty handed.

However, for evening-only invitees it's perfectly acceptable to only give a card - possibly a bottle of something if you're feeling generous, but it's not necessary.

Anatidae Mon 26-Jun-17 12:44:29

We specifically put 'we don't expect any presents' on the invite.

A few people asked us to make a wedding list so we did and sent just to them.

One or two insisted on giving cash which we gratefully accepted.

It's rude to ask for anything. It's rude to complain about anything given in good faith. They sound like dramatic twits, just don't go.

Unadon Mon 26-Jun-17 12:46:06

People will give cash gifts anyway because it's tradition. To ask for it is tacky.

BMW6 Mon 26-Jun-17 12:48:44

I'd have no problem in giving them a tenner OP

AutumnalLeaves38 Mon 26-Jun-17 12:53:31


^"...they couldnt really argue about any charity donation given that they bleat about how important it is constantly."

Easy, then:

Wedding-themed, an apolitical UK non-profit, knowledge they are your donation (no matter how small) is directly helping people during such a very tough time...nobody could possibly object, could they?
Only just found it via Google. Such a great idea, though.

Puzzledandpissedoff Mon 26-Jun-17 12:53:49

An evening party is a nice way to include all the people you would like to have invited, but couldn't

I completely agree, and also have no problem at all with being asked just to an evening "wedding do" ... except, that is, when it's obvious it's just being used as a way to get a bit more cash

Loopyloppy Mon 26-Jun-17 12:56:03

Good grief asking for evening guest gifts is confusedshockhmmblush

We did a cheesy poem asking for money and now I cringe and the thought of it and half want to contact everyone now (5 years on) and apologise. Not for the evening guests though!!

We did it as we were moving to a different country and I was not shipping anything over so didn't want to get things which would have emotional attachment for me that I'd have to leave in the U.K.

Loopyloppy Mon 26-Jun-17 12:57:36

So I wouldn't give anything but if you feel like you have to then a tenner is fine. Probably over half of our guests didn't give us anything and plenty gave just £10. Didn't bother me at all. If they are then sack them off because they're grabby twats.

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