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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to want a man, any man even an abusive one?

34 replies

comeandsortmeout · 25/06/2017 02:23

I'm so sick of being alone and I can't cope with it any more. I want a partner, I don't care how he treats me; it's got to be better than life like this.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 25/06/2017 02:27

Didn't want to read and run. Do you have other people around? Friends and family?

Original poster
comeandsortmeout · 25/06/2017 02:28

no just me and the middle of the night blues. too much stress and shit in my life and i can't cope with it any more.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 25/06/2017 02:32

A crappy partner would only make that worse. I was lonelier with my exH than without.

livefornaps · 25/06/2017 02:33

You don't want an abuser, darling. Xxx

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 25/06/2017 02:33

((((((((((())))))))))))))). Your self esteem is clearly zero.
I'm so sorry that life isn't treating you right at the moment, but. An abusive man will only add to your problems.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 25/06/2017 02:35

I know you can't see it at the moment, but. The light at the end of the tunnel is there. Xx

PhoenixJasmine · 25/06/2017 02:37

Yes, of course YABU, and deep down you know that.

Nothing wrong with wanting a partner - but really, you'd rather be abused than 'alone'? How far could that abuse go and still be better than your life now? TW FOR THIS NEXT BIT Name calling? Emotional blackmail? Checking up on you, policing what you wear and who you can see? Slamming doors, breaking furniture? A little pushing and shoving around maybe, a good slap now and then? Sexual assault? How about the occasional rape? Battering you, breaking teeth or bones? Permanently disabling you perhaps? Killing you?

Sorry to be so blunt and a little graphic there - but really, please don't be so flippant about desiring an abusive partner. There's only one person that you are guaranteed to have a relationship with for the rest of your life - yourself. Work on that first; don't tie your entire self worth into what you mean to someone else.

Sorry you're feeling shit tonight Flowers

Original poster
comeandsortmeout · 25/06/2017 02:37

it's a fucking long tunnel and the bastards are still building the end of it.

OP posts:
abigwideworld · 25/06/2017 02:38

YABVU

PhoenixJasmine · 25/06/2017 02:39

Think outside the box - it's a metaphorical tunnel right? So metaphorically knock a whacking great hole in the side of it that daylight can come flooding in through.

Original poster
comeandsortmeout · 25/06/2017 02:39

Phoenix yeah, you are so right. i'd hate all that stuff but i hate my life alone right now. i wouldn't want that but i want somebody who cares enough to do something even if i hate that something.

OP posts:
Beerwench · 25/06/2017 02:41

I hear you. It fucking sucks doesn't it? Spent 12 years alone to then spend 18 months with the most wonderful amazing person who seemed too good to be true. He was.
The lows in no way cancel out the highs, but that doesn't stop the feeling of wanting. Of wanting the good times and that feeling of someone just wanting you.
But ultimately I hope tonight is the last night I spend sleepless and crying because of a man. I've spent many a night awake and crying because of the lack of one. This, on balance, is worse.
Both are utter shit, but being in a shitty relationship is no better than being alone when you make the realisation it's your weakness they want, not you.
I don't believe in all this 'there's someone out there for you' and all that, I think it's mostly luck and the right circumstances. I am sorry you feel crap. You're not alone.

Original poster
comeandsortmeout · 25/06/2017 02:43

Beerwench Flowers
sorry you are having to deal with that shit.

OP posts:
Awwlookatmybabyspider · 25/06/2017 02:45

How do your life will be better. If you're with an abusive cunt. Im sorry, but i just don't get it.
I'm only going to say this once, because I feel I have to.
I hope a battered wife or partner does not open this thread, because. Trust me you do not want to be in her shoes. Where her kids sit sobbing on the stairs while her partner beats the shit out of her.

PerspicaciaTick · 25/06/2017 02:46

Could you not be the person who cares enough to do something for you? Be responsible for you own happiness.

Name something you do, or would like to do, which makes you genuinely happy.

Beerwench · 25/06/2017 02:48

Thanks, I really do know how you feel. I think I got into the relationship I did because I felt like you do now. It's horrible feeling unwanted by like, every member of the opposite sex lol. I always felt like I'd got to a party too late and everyone was drunk and paired up and I was just like, there lol. I have been friend zoned so many times I've forgotten!
It will be OK, you're your own person. Can you reconnect with friends/family or a hobby?

Original poster
comeandsortmeout · 25/06/2017 02:55

awwlook I've been there done that. well not with the children but me.
i don't know what makes me genuinely happy, i did have a interest of many years which i was doing but i've given it up because i'm no good at it; i like playing tennis but people want a decent partner and I'm not Andy Murray.

OP posts:
Notmyrealname85 · 25/06/2017 02:57

Hi OP! Just checking in to see if you're up :)

Absolutely wretched to feel alone, I'm so sorry you're feeling low right now. Two sides of the same coin sometimes - a bad DP can ruin you, whereas right now you're just massively running on empty. Totally relatable - we all need some life inspiration at times! I think we all just want someone to love and care for, more than to be loved even - it can be so painful to not get the chance to exercise that part of your personality. I know how it feels to miss those warmer, softer sides of life Flowers You will find someone, you could literally go up to any man in Tescos and find someone willing to shag - the thing is, and rightfully so, part of the reason you're probably single now will be because you want to find someone who deserves that affection (even if it's not really serious!). Honestly, you could find any man. Hold out for a good one

NarcsBegone · 25/06/2017 02:58

I make the worst decisions with the men I choose, all abusive in some way. I am single and I enjoy it, I would rather be single than treated poorly, miserable and questioning my own sanity. Sometimes I'm lonely and I wish I could meet the right person but I can't for the time being and I'm very happy as I am so it's not a longing for me and I'm happy to stay single forever. I feel this way because my entire life has been one of abuse in varying forms, my exh still try's to abuse me via our son and cms, court etc. No one that has been in an abusive relationship would ever say they want a relationship even if they're abusive unless they are fairly mentally ill. I myself don't understand this need I see from people to be in a relationship, like they can't live without it. I understand being lonely, wanting someone to support you and share your life with but this panic that there's not a man is just odd to me... that doesn't mean I'm right, it's just my view. I have a good support network of friends now (something I never had while in my relationships) and that really helps me to not feel as alone, gives me support and I have a 'friend' I occasionally have sex with with no complications. Do you have friends? Could you work on friendships and perhaps dating?

Original poster
comeandsortmeout · 25/06/2017 03:00

ive asked the night watch to delete this in case, as a PP rightly said, it'd be bad if somebody now in an abusive relationship read it.
thanks though.

OP posts:
Notmyrealname85 · 25/06/2017 03:01

Maybe set yourself the task of taking up three hobbies to do each week/month - one sporty, only culture related, and one charity related. Don't take any too seriously! You don't have to enjoy sports to be good at it - the thing is taking part and doing the best you can do. As inconvenient as it is, ultimately participation in social life helps stave off loneliness. It's getting going that's the hard part! You won't necesarily meet your man/best friends that way but it's a bit of variety and a confidence boost!

PhoenixJasmine · 25/06/2017 03:04

Don't beat yourself up about it, OP.

And certainly don't wish for someone else to Smile

There are so many ways to feel you are worth something in life, other than a partner.

Notmyrealname85 · 25/06/2017 03:06

I'm with Narcs - I've been in a very absuive relationship and was raised in one, I absolutely love and cherish my freedom so much. I can also see OP you didn't mean what you said in your OP. Loneliness can be stifling, I hope you get out there in life more soon.

Seems really crass to quote a bloody pop song, but at my lowest I heard Whitney Houston on in a shop: "...I'd rather be alone than unhappy". So bloody true. I left him for Whitney! Ridiculous but such a simple statement helped me so much

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 25/06/2017 03:06

No don't get it deleted. Ask them to edit it. X.

Foniks · 25/06/2017 04:22

No you dont. If life is bad now, and an abusive partner will make it worse...then that tunnel will keep being built, and he'll take away that metaphorical hammer so you can't hammer holes in the sides.
As it is at the moment, things are shit, and there's a tunnel, and it doesn't seem it but there is a way out.
Have you tried to seek any help? Just, you seem so down, even putting the loneliness aside.
When you say you want somebody who cares enough to do something even if you hate that something...you know those people don't actually care don't you? They just care about themselves. For instance, a controlling man who tells his gf what to wear, he isn't doing it because he cares about her at all, he's doing it for himself. If they cared, they wouldn't do something their partner hates or that harmed their partner in any way.