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Not understanding what teacher wants!

(91 Posts)
Mumofone1970 Fri 23-Jun-17 19:49:08

I have a summer born son in year 1.
Sadly he has taken to being a little disruptive over the past month, on and off.
Teacher calls me at the end of the day to inform me if I need to know as we had an agreement there is no TV time if he's behaved badly.
I was never in favour of this as don't feel punishing after the event is effective in such a young child and often he would forget completely the next day anyway and do the same thing.
He is being spurred on she said by one challenging boy who he has suddenly become close to and they are doing all they can to separate them but in the playground it's not possible so they are play fighting, accidentally hurting each other and so on and then bringing the silly behaviour back into class after.
I've now offered to come in and collect him after lunch and he can sit with me in the car until class begins again.
She seemed to think this was far too harsh, that never would the head agree to it as whilst he is at school he is in their care and they have steps they can take, but when I asked what the next step is, she couldn't tell me and said she would think about it over the weekend.
We have now told our son not to play with this child anymore as he is getting into too much trouble with him which has upset him as he does like him, although knows his behaviour is not acceptable ( and hasn't been since the start of reception but my son wasn't friends with him then ) so has accepted it although feels bad.
I'm just not sure what she wants! She's letting me know but giving no guidance on what she would like to happen.

StinkPickle Fri 23-Jun-17 19:54:05

I might be missing the point but a child who is 6 (or turning 6 shortly) is more than old enough to understand consequences like no TV after school.

My 3 year old can grasp this.

ScipioAfricanus Fri 23-Jun-17 20:04:35

What is the school doing to separate the children? In Year 1 they should be able to be in different groups for a lot of work and have designated places in circle time far away from each other.

My DS (Year 1) can be silly and was playing with a boy with ASD a lot, getting hurt and being more violent. The teachers separated them in playground as much as possible (directed activity for the other boy as he's very sporty) and had a social story for my son aboutaking good choices about who to play with. This massively helped.

Crunchymum Fri 23-Jun-17 20:09:26

It's not punishing after the event? If he doesn't have a good day in school he doesn't get his TV privileges?

Why is coming to sit with him each lunch time harder than no TV?

Crunchymum Fri 23-Jun-17 20:09:52

Easier.... why is going to sit with him each lunchtime easier?

ScipioAfricanus Fri 23-Jun-17 20:10:49

My son would struggle to equate a punishment after school with behaviour in school, by the way - or at least would not remember not to do it again the next day because of that consequence. They don't all mature at the same rate (and late bloomers are often just as good!).

My son's school only started separating the children on the carpet (putting my son apart at a desk) after I suggested it. They were worried it stigmatised him but I said it would solve the distracting of other pupils and frankly maybe stigmatising him would work! They are a very 'kind' school so I think were a bit too cautious initially to 'punish' but once I said I would certainly not have a problem with it they went ahead.

StillDrivingMeBonkers Fri 23-Jun-17 20:14:17

What has the season of his birth got to do with it? not the old 'immature' chestnut?

soapboxqueen Fri 23-Jun-17 20:16:56

I wouldn't be happy about punishments out of school for incidents in schools unless it was very serious. They need to sort it out there and then, particularly for very young children. The school should be doing more to tackle the issue if they believe part of the problem is interaction with another boy.

I wouldn't be offering to take him out nor should the school go along with it as it could be construed as an illegal exclusion.

ScipioAfricanus Fri 23-Jun-17 20:20:51

Why do you think it is an 'old chestnut', Still? I'd be interested to know what the evidence is and isn't for this - as a teacher, I've felt from anecdata over the years that summer born has an impact right into Year 7, but of course that's subjective and not at all science-based. As regards being a boy, there is evidence that boys (in general) are less mature in this way and emotionally/socially behind girls (again, in general) by around 2 years right through school (and life?!). Over the years I've seen them generally blossom in 6th Form but not always even then for some of them.

My son is quite old for his year so I can't claim summer born as a reason for his immaturity.

MaisyPops Fri 23-Jun-17 20:21:39

It sounds to me what the school are after is a positive homeschooling relationship.
They've clearly got some concerns and are keen to work together to sort if before they get older.

In my experience, children seeing home and school are on the same page tend to settle down quicker and any issues get nipped in the bud.

I think it's quite a nice and simple set up. If DC has an issue during the day, they lose a privilege later.

YouTheCat Fri 23-Jun-17 20:22:42

I'd suggest the teacher could allocate your ds a job at lunchtime, possibly alongside a more sensible child. It'll give him a sense of responsibility and it'll also give staff the chance to praise him for it. Hopefully, this will result in him preferring praise to punishment.

OlennasWimple Fri 23-Jun-17 20:22:49

Sorry, I think going to school so DS can sit outside in the car with you for 10 mins is frankly bonkers...

ScipioAfricanus Fri 23-Jun-17 20:24:40

I agree with the principle of this Maisy but seems from OP that this particular link isn't necessarily working for her DS, so maybe the sanction could be more immediate and then the parentuodated at end of day so they can either folllow through with a home sanction or, I think more importantly, show the DS that school and home are all in the loop and working together on it.

Babymamamama Fri 23-Jun-17 20:27:26

If you don't give consequences for your child's behaviour how will he ever learn it's not ok.

soapboxqueen Fri 23-Jun-17 20:30:25

Baby It's not about should there be consequences or not it's about are the consequences effective. For many children an after school punishment would have no effect on their behaviour in school. The consequence would need to be immediate or very soon after otherwise the link wouldn't be made strongly enough to stop the unwanted behaviour on the next occasion.

Osolea Fri 23-Jun-17 20:33:15

She is giving you guidance, she's saying that there should be consequences at home such as reduced to time.

She can probably see that your son is making a choice to behave in the way he does, and that he is able to consider a punishment taking place after school that day when he's doing it.

MaisyPops Fri 23-Jun-17 20:35:10

Agreed. Some flexibility in terms of how that loop between home and school is reinforced could be good.
Eg. He missed part of break/lunch and then at the end of the day Mum and Teacher talk to him.

(You watch I'll not get attacked for suggesting 'taking away children's free time when they don't get enough to play')

turquoise88 Fri 23-Jun-17 20:35:48

Baby It's not about should there be or not it's about are the consequences effective. For many children an after school punishment would have no effect on their behaviour in school. The consequence would need to be immediate or very soon after otherwise the link wouldn't be made strongly enough to stop the unwanted behaviour on the next occasion.

Or, that could be an excuse that some parents used because they can't be arsed to sanction their own children and see it as the school's problem if that's where it happens.

Agreed that there needs to be an immediate sanction at school, but the parent should also be sanctioning at home to show support and partnership with the school on the issue.

Mumofone1970 Fri 23-Jun-17 20:37:19

Sorry I added him being summer born so it was understood he was approaching 6 rather than 7 that was all.
I'm totally on board with the school hence offering to go in and collect him at lunchtime, which wouldn't be for ten minutes, it would be from when he stopped eating to when class started again and I suggested this after the teacher told me there is no provision to keep one of the children inside therefore she cannot stop them playing together.
Behaviour then escalates once they are back in the classroom.
It's not about the TV thing not being effective, it might well be for that day however once he's back in the class clearly that goes out of his head as he teams up with the other child and repeats the behaviour.
It also doesn't feel fair that no matter how good his behaviour at home is he is being punished when it could be being dealt with in school time.
For some reason they won't exclude him from lunchtime play altogether but equally say taking away 5 minutes is making no difference as he apologises but then once back in the playground it starts again and continues after lunch.
She obviously feels it's serious enough to call me about it but actually has no idea of what she would like me to implement which is why I am struggling to know what to do with what she's telling me!

Cary2012 Fri 23-Jun-17 20:38:21

I'm a teacher.
And a mum.
Your lad is able to cope within sanctions during school day.
No way should teacher impose sanctions out of school.

Mumofone1970 Fri 23-Jun-17 20:39:23

The TV thing was what she suggested when this relationship first formed.
When I said to her this evening clearly it's infective she agreed that he gets completely carried away by the other child so forgets the fact he will lose TV at home.
But in saying that she offered no other solution!

Mumofone1970 Fri 23-Jun-17 20:40:08

Cary2012 can you explain what you mean?
What, as a teacher do you think she is expecting me to do?

Mumofone1970 Fri 23-Jun-17 20:40:40

She knows I'm completely on board with the school and so do all our children

Wolfiefan Fri 23-Jun-17 20:40:55

Why did you agree to no TV if you thought that was unfair? (Don't agree it is though. It's reinforcing that he needs to do as he's told.)
Spurred on by one challenging boy? Don't blame someone else for your child's behaviour.
If he's not playing with this child and separated from him in class then issue over?

ScipioAfricanus Fri 23-Jun-17 20:42:25

OP, have you asked what happens at playtime? My son's school were a bit hmm about keeping them apart at playtime - which I understand, they have huge amounts to do - but then it emerged they did have this special sports skill activity in one part of the playground for closer supervision and the child who struggled more with his behaviour but was sporty went in that area. It is also in the teachers' interests to deal with the playtime issue since it's impacting on lessons and ongoing disruption.

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