Not understanding what teacher wants!

[Mumofone1970]

I have a summer born son in year 1.
Sadly he has taken to being a little disruptive over the past month, on and off.
Teacher calls me at the end of the day to inform me if I need to know as we had an agreement there is no TV time if he's behaved badly.
I was never in favour of this as don't feel punishing after the event is effective in such a young child and often he would forget completely the next day anyway and do the same thing.
He is being spurred on she said by one challenging boy who he has suddenly become close to and they are doing all they can to separate them but in the playground it's not possible so they are play fighting, accidentally hurting each other and so on and then bringing the silly behaviour back into class after.
I've now offered to come in and collect him after lunch and he can sit with me in the car until class begins again.
She seemed to think this was far too harsh, that never would the head agree to it as whilst he is at school he is in their care and they have steps they can take, but when I asked what the next step is, she couldn't tell me and said she would think about it over the weekend.
We have now told our son not to play with this child anymore as he is getting into too much trouble with him which has upset him as he does like him, although knows his behaviour is not acceptable ( and hasn't been since the start of reception but my son wasn't friends with him then ) so has accepted it although feels bad.
I'm just not sure what she wants! She's letting me know but giving no guidance on what she would like to happen.

[Mumofone1970]

I'm really not defending him, but the other child has been like this since the start of reception and mine has only just become like it nearing the end of year 1 after becoming friends with him so it's clearly not a healthy relationship for whatever reason.

[turquoise88]

She obviously feels it's serious enough to call me about it but actually has no idea of what she would like me to implement which is why I am struggling to know what to do with what she's telling me!

Why are you implying that it's the teacher's responsibility to inform you how to deal with your child due to his bad behaviour? He's your son, you deal with it in the best way you feel necessary!

She has a duty to let you know that he's been misbehaving in school and that she's concerned, in the hope that you'll work together to improve things. It annoys me that you think this is all her problem to solve.

[Wolfiefan]

They can't stop them sitting together? No but your child can move if it gets too silly.
They swap seats. So your child moves when he shouldn't. His fault too.
Your child is messing around. Whether the other kid has been doing it since reception really isn't your problem.

[BlackeyedSusan]

what are the school doing?

have they done any work on appropriate behaviour in the playground?
do they have play leaders/buddies from upper school?
what level of supervision are they providing at lunchtime?
what activities are they providing at lunchtime?
what transition activities are being used by the teacher to gather the children and calm them down? ( eg separate in the line, reminders that they need to sit in the classroom? )
what hand over procedures are there from the lunch supervisors and class teacher?
do the lunchtime supervisors know these two children are better apart?
have the children been to see the head teacher? (sometimes that is enough)
what are the steps they can take?

I would make an appointment to see the HT CT or SENCo to discuss behaviour.

[ScipioAfricanus]

Maybe also specifically say 'How do you think we (school and home) should approach this?' - it's pointless not knowing what she thinks should happen. I'd be inclined to ask for a meeting and an action plan if it's serious enough that it's ongoing for her and you. When I talk to pupils' parents, I always give specifics and try to end the conversation with an agreement about what all 3 of us (school/teacher, parent, child) are going to do.

[Julia001]

I think that the school need to grow a pair and separate the boys , no matter if there is a learning disability on either side, if they are behaving badly together then they should be separated, end of. The school needs to set a sanction, inside of school, it should not be carried on out of school.

As a parent, you should insist that the boys are separated, and, (as I did to my DS primary school,) say that if they are not separated at lunch time, you will come and take him home/out for lunch, believe me, this works!) It is not discriminatory, it is good sense.

[soapboxqueen]

turquoise for the most part, behaviour in school needs to be dealt with in school not because parents can't be arsed but because they aren't there to deal with it. Parents should be made aware but it is ineffective to punish later. The teacher is in control and relying on at home punishment is essentially giving up responsibility. It's never once crossed my mind to make parents deal with my responsibilities as a teacher.


These are young children not young adults.

[MaisyPops]

When I talk to pupils' parents, I always give specifics and try to end the conversation with an agreement about what all 3 of us (school/teacher, parent, child) are going to do.
Same. It's absolutely key that the child sees everyone on the same page and consistency in place.

Much more difficult if the child sits in a meeting and hears all the reasons it's the school's fault/another child's fault/ we don't like consequences at home / they ONLY... etc (not saying the OP is like that by the way. It's a generic observation).

[ScipioAfricanus]

Well in terms of seeking each other out that is the teacher's job to stop from happening. I normally think parents ask a lot of teachers but in this case the teacher seems to be being quite defeatist and passive and it is her job to deal with behaviour issues too.

I do think it's important not to minimise your own child's role in it all (hard though this is, I know from experience). If like mine he is a follower who apes others' behaviour a lot (good and bad) then he needs to learn to deal with it and try to make better choices about who he plays with and admit his copying is as bad as the other child's original behaviour! Can he have play dates etc with children whose behaviour you'd like him to copy?

[Bizzysocks]

I don't think its for her to tell you what consequence should be implemented at home. She doesn't know what you do at home that could be used.

For example if he gets an ice-cream/other treat after school, he wouldn't if he hadn't behaved well at school. yet she isn't to know if you would give a treat regally so can't suggest it.

ditto with having friends to play, getting a magazine, going to football, beavers, stay up an extra half hour if good, pokemon cards/match attacks, trips to the park. The teacher can't know what you do out of school that he would miss or respond well to if offering rewards, that is for you to think about.

Saying that I do have sympathy for you.

[user1497480444]

I was never in favour of this as don't feel punishing after the event is effective in such a young child

on the contrary, it is the ONLY thing that will have any affect, if parents don't back up school discipline 100% then there is absolutely nothing any school can do to educate your child

[Leaspr]

Is it 'play fighting'? By that I mean is the other child getting himself in to trouble and being dealt with also?
The school are apparently doing everything they can to separate them but the can't in the playground. You then go on to say that the teacher claims it carries on again once they are back in class. So the school aren't acting doing all that they can to separate them!? Is it possible to have them moved to separate classes (if there is more than one)?
It sounds like he is getting caught up in the moment. I don't think punishing him later on, once calmer, is going to ever make a difference. The school must have some way of separating them during playtime...isn't it still supervised in Year 1!? I sure we used to be made to go and sit in the Headteachers office when we misbehaved!
Not sure I've offered any actual advice here but I think they need to do more during school if you are doing all you can at home and he is otherwise well behaved.

[drummergirl34]

I'm an ex-secondary teacher - it sounds like your child's teacher doesn't know what to do and may be reaching out to others to find out. She may be talking to her year head (hopefully she'll do this if she doesn't know rather than ask online) or when she says she will have a think, she could be thinking "I need to get home and start cooking dinner". Who knows!

It's great the school is reaching out to you, but noway should the sanction be outside of school, that's just wrong. Can you sit with your child in class for maybe an afternoon to observe him?

[Leaspr]

The school aren't actually doing all they can*

[turquoise88]

turquoise for the most part, behaviour in school needs to be dealt with in school not because parents can't be arsed but because they aren't there to deal with it. Parents should be made aware but it is ineffective to punish later. The teacher is in control and relying on at home punishment is essentially giving up responsibility. It's never once crossed my mind to make parents deal with my responsibilities as a teacher.

How would the parent make it clear that they disagree with the behaviour that is happening at school if they don't too deal with it at home?

The school isn't giving up responsibility, they have put in strategies to deal with it, but they aren't working and they have a duty to inform the parents.

Of course it's the parent's responsibility to deal with the behaviour (in addition to the school). That's the problem with too many parents these days - they don't see themselves as responsible
for anything and it's all up to schools and settings to sort their kids out.

Completely disagree with you, sorry.

And yes, I'm a teacher too.

[Bizzysocks]

I would be interested to hear from teachers how they handle this better at their school. My son is in a similar position, how do you keep children who don't play nicely together apart on the playground?

[bangingmyheadoffabrickwall]

If this was a child in my class, I would allocate him a lunchtime supervisor to:

1. Either check what he is doing and have timely reminders about expectations every so often during the lunch break (dependent on the size of the school and how many children are present - I am in a 420 school and we do this with several children successfully).
   
2. Allocate him an area to play in, likewise the other child, to minimise contact.
   
3. Allocate him a buddy - same age, older etc. Most schools have a buddy system to lessen the issue of 'not having anyone to play with'.
   
4. When a misdemeanour happens, both children 'attach' themselves to an adult within the playground - be this for a few minutes or the rest of lunchtime, dependent on the severity of the misdemeanour.
   
5. We also have children sit in the office where office staff 'keep an eye on them' until the HT is available.
   

The lit could go on!

Basically, you coming to sit with him at lunchtime is very far fetched. Yes, the school are responsible for him in school BUT parents are allowed to take them out for lunchtime - could possibly be something you consider for a week IF your child sees that as the worst possible thing you could do!!
Also, a teacher SUGGESTING no TV after school is fine IF the parents agree and actually lots of school have this home-school agreement so that kids see that school and home are linked when it comes to supporting each other on behaviour and sanctions.

As for suggesting summer born children 'forget' is bloody bonkers. They are 5 going on 6, not 2 going on 3! My Y1s are very capable of telling their parents what they did wrong during the day at the end of school. Stop treating them like toddlers.

[Bizzysocks]

banging thanks for your detailed post. I have a meeting at school reguarding my reception child on Monday and I'm going to ask if they would consider a buddy system with year 6's, I think it would work well for my son.

[CloudPerson]

Punishing a 6 yr old at home well after unwanted behaviour is pointless. It's not about parents not wanting to discipline, it's about finding an effective strategy to stop it happening in the first place.

I'm quite surprised that they don't have further techniques up their sleeves to try without resorting to relying on the child being disciplined in a completely different setting, which is likely to be very confusing. If my child was naughty at home, it would be up to me to deal with it and work out how to handle things, I wouldn't demand that school took away play time.

[MaisyPops]

banging
What a great post.
Crucially, it does matter that parents see I'm their child's actions as their issue regardless of when it happens.

Otherwise come y11 you get that one parent who will say "well we know theyve not done as much homework as they should over the years, has been silly with other students but what can you do? etc but what are you doing to ensure they get their grade". I reply, well here's what we do in lesson, this is my optional revision session and here's suggested study programme to help home support students to structure revision. I'll mark whatever they do. 95% of those parents never send me any work back. Their child's grade is my problem in their eyes.

[Lowdoorinthewal1]

I would be interested to hear from teachers how they handle this better at their school.

I would try the following things:

Allocate both boys some lunchtime 'responsibilities'. There are always jobs that need doing that even a Y1 could do. Even if each boy just had one per week it would mean they only played together 3 days a week. We sometimes allocate children to go and 'help' Reception if they need a break from their own year group.

Make sure they were known to the MDSAs so when they were playing together active effort was made to engage them and structure their play.

Every day give one or the other child 'quiet time' away from the rest of the class for 10 -15 minutes immediately after lunch before they joined the next lesson. They could read in the corridor, tidy a bookshelf, help a TA photocopy.. anything that gave them both a good block of time separately to de-escalate before needing to concentrate again.

A focus on proactive strategies to manage known issues is always better than relying on sanctions.

[flupi]

That's nonsense. What happens in school should be dealt with in school and any teacher worth their salt would be able to sort out this relatively minor problem. That doesn't mean you and the school shouldn't be supporting each other but you absolutely shouldn't be having to punish him for what should be able to be sorted in school. He should be able to relax in your home, a place of sanctuary after the roller coaster of the high expectations of a school day.

[Butteredparsnip1ps]

Is it an inexperienced teacher?

While DS needs to understand that you and his teacher are on the same page re behaviour expectations, he shouldn't be punished at home for playing up in school unless it's very serious. I would have thought it would likely make him resentful.

Has the school got enough support to help the other child I wonder?

[PatriciaHolm]

The teacher (and school) sound deeply ineffectual. The great majority of this are things that need to be dealt with immediately in school, by a combination of the things that people have already mentioned - buddies, having him shadow a playground supervisor, sitting in the school office, being moved back as soon as he attempts to move seats in the classroom etc.

His behaviour doesn't actually sound that bad or out of the ordinary for a young Yr1; school should be more than capable of dealing with it and keeping you informed so you can reinforce with him at home that you support what they are doing.