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To be pissed off& just do it anyway!

(22 Posts)
babayjane67 Mon 22-May-17 10:33:39

Been with dp for 10 yrs& have an 8 yr old dd.
It's a big birthday coming up for me next month& I was originally planning on a wkend away with family&friends but that fell through as some couldn't make i altered my plans to doing a bbq instead at our house so that everyone could come without worrying about childcare etc. Then 3 people I've invited who are close friends can't make it for different reasons,I fell out with my eldest adult dd.(I have 2 she's 30)over something stupid(we are fine now)so I said sod it why don't I go back to original plan& just my dp our dd&I go away for the wkend!which dp was fine about.asked me is there anything I really wanna see/anywhere I really wanna go/do etc?so I said yea& suggested 2 things I'd love to do to which he turned up his nose& made a I said u dont wanna do any of that do u?I said OK I'm quite happy just having a wkend at the he said I started looking for places.I found somewhere& booked it told him but not realised it was wrong date as we have something else on that wkend so I cancelled(u can do this for free up to a certain date on this particular site)so yesterday I said to him I've found somewhere else&its got a nice park place to visit which we would all love. He then says can't you just have a bbq?I said no I've told everyone it's off&we are going away now instead.other things are being done with them.going for a meal or drink whatever instead now.he said well I don't really wanna be driving here there&everywhere!I wanna enjoy yr birthday!i said well we are both working my actual birthday anyway.this wkend away will be 2 wks after it.well at least I can have a drink if we have a bbq he said.I said well u asked me what I wanna do& u were up for it now you've gone back on it all!am so pissed off!he knows it too!I haven't really spoken to him properly since.
Sorry this is long& rambling but wanted to get it all down properly.
I've been quite poorly with depression&was off work again last wk as Ive been quite down again so this would have been something lovely to do.its just made me feel down&like what's the bloody point!

SootSprite Mon 22-May-17 10:36:12

I'd tell him that you and dd will be going, with or without him.

pipsqueak25 Mon 22-May-17 10:44:27

yes, i'd go regardless, i don't get the fuss around birthdays but i do like my holidays grin so up sticks and have a great time, he can have his bbq at home and you can have a lovely time with dd !

babayjane67 Mon 22-May-17 10:46:09

Thanks Soot but it's difficult as I don't drive.also the money for it will be from his wages as he's the main earner.
We were only planning on one night!

babayjane67 Mon 22-May-17 10:50:34

Thanks Pipsqueak.
He said last night we already have a 3 day trip to London booked in August.which I said yea was YOUR idea because you wanna show dd the sights which is nice but that he didn't even discuss with me!just said this is what I wanna do so we're doing that!
He was all up for my wkend away& now he doesn't wanname do it!

pipsqueak25 Mon 22-May-17 10:59:02

but this is your birthday, he asked you what you wanted to do then turned his nose up at it, i don't get that, so i guess stuff doesn't happen unless he wants it to then ? is this anything to do with him being the main wage earner ?

babayjane67 Mon 22-May-17 11:08:27

Yes Pipsqueak it's pretty much like that.if HE wants to do it fine but if he doesn't then things don't always happen& im left feeling frustrated&/ or down.
He works very hard at his job which I know he hates!money is always a bit tight.some months are better than others.
The London trip he has booked 2 things to do while we are is my suggestion that he did his usual turn his nose up at but then did relent&booked it anyway as it was part of a deal with the other thing.

babayjane67 Mon 22-May-17 11:14:44

He's very hard to talk to most of the time.doesn't show his emotions easily.if I do try talking to him about anything he shuts me down,talks over me& turns it all back on me!

babayjane67 Mon 22-May-17 11:53:28

I know I have to try to talk to him again bit not sure he's gonna listen.
Will be hard to end the relationship because of finances.

timeisnotaline Mon 22-May-17 12:01:30

It wouldn't be because of finances. It would be because he doesn't listen to you or care about what you want to do.

babayjane67 Mon 22-May-17 12:07:41

We do have a lot of debt Time which will be very hard to pay off on my own with just my wages.
Also our dd is very close to her dad,always has been so that'll be difficult too.
I don't know!

babayjane67 Mon 22-May-17 14:23:07

Thanks for the replies.I do worry about the future especially once our dd has flown the nest.
Theres other things too I just thought he always says he works harder than anyone else where he works& that a lot of them are lazy bastards.also his sister works 2 jobs not finishing one of themy till 4 then starting the other at 5 which doesn't finish till midnight& I said to him I felt bit sorry for her she must get really tired must be hard& he just said well it's not hard work is it!she works in a supermarket all day& a chippy at night!
He's always right about everything always gotta get the answer in first to be right,even with our dd& ive stratwd saying no wait let her tell very competitive.thinks most people who are off work sick are liars.sometimes doesn't listen to dd when sheshe trying to say something talks over her sometimes.I've said to him wait listen to her&the other day bless her she even said it to him herself!listen to me daddy!
He thinks if u have a pyjama day unless you're I'll then you're lazy!
I could go on!

pipsqueak25 Mon 22-May-17 16:11:32

tbh i would be thinking long and hard as to whether i had a future with this man, he sounds like hard work and too quick to put others down, that is a no no for me.

babayjane67 Mon 22-May-17 16:22:54

He's not all bad though.he's good in some respects.he works hard for us.he has supported me when I've been ill.cuddled me when I've broke down in tears on him,pks up dd from school when I can't&through a normal wk too.does do a lot with dd.loves spending time with her.
Never seems to want to spend time with me though just as a couple.we never seem to have a lot to say to each other when it's just us.conversation is hard.
I always feel like he doesn't 'get' me really iyswim.
We don't share the same sense if humour really.occasionally we laugh at the same thing but more often than not I'm splitting my sides at something turn to him&he's either just looking at his laptop or looks blankly at me.

pipsqueak25 Mon 22-May-17 18:13:19

with all due respects he's only doing with dd what a dad should be doing, it's you i'm concerned about, this doesn't come across as a loving relationship as such, you haven't mentioned love between you either.
i think you are feeling dependant on him because of debt and the matter of depression, you aren't in a very good place at the moment.
you say financially it would be vert difficult if you left but this really isn't the way for you to live is it ? he obviously loves his dd but she is not a good enough reason to stay with someone who doesn't seem that bothered if you are there or not.

babayjane67 Mon 22-May-17 18:43:07

If I say I love u he will say it back but never off his own back first.
Cuddles kisses etc I usually have to 9 times out of 10 too though it's been about 5yrs since weve dtd.that's down to different reasons though.the last time he did actually initiate it but I stopped it as just wasn't enjoying any of it.he was& always has been fine with it.
I think we got together for the wrong reasons really.namely because we both wanted a child.

pipsqueak25 Mon 22-May-17 21:05:02

i think you know deep down you are wasting your time with this one on so many levels, and that you stay because change is scary and that is understandable, but it's so sad to live like you do without the true warmth of a loving relationship which should be mutual and not so one sided as yours seems to be.
i get the impression that he wouldn't miss you if you walked out tomorrow, i feel sorry for you, i really do when there is so much more to enjoy out there. flowers

babayjane67 Tue 23-May-17 12:51:24

When I was at my lowest I did actually think of just walking away& leaving him to I felt pretty worthless as a parent because they're both so close& I thought he'd do a much better job.dd didn't need me.
It is scary both to leave& to have to think of dealing with the debts on my own. We've got a good 4 yrs left of paying off yet!
Dd will be nearly 13 then.
I also feel like I'm a pathetic person because it'll be the 2nd relationship I've had thats broken down& the child will be without their marriage broke down properly after 7 yrs& I brought my eldest 2 kids up on my own.had no financial help from their dad ever(csa were useless! He would just make himself unemplyed& unfindable)he messed them around a lot.wouldn't turn up to get them when he was supposed to etc was bloody hard!
I think my youngest dd will be terridly upset if me& her dad broke up. Though I do think he would keep in contact with her as he should properly. He wouldn't mess her about.
I also have issues with my so called best friend who never wants to come here& that we don't keep in contact now much for a while(we are supposed to be going to a festival end of this month but I'm really tempted to seel my ticket& not go!)
Thats a whole othere thread though.

babayjane67 Tue 23-May-17 12:52:02

Sorry pressed too soon!
So it feels like it's all on top of me at mo.

pipsqueak25 Tue 23-May-17 16:52:54

you really need to think what is best for you firstly then dd, she will have contact but you will have the chance for a better life without this person putting you down believe me, i've been there and it's scary striking out on your own but you really can do this,
have a chat with citizens advice and see what they say with regards to benefits etc if you decide to leave.
is your home owned or rented there will be stuff to sort out and it takes time but one step at a time going forward gets you closer to your destination. flowers

babayjane67 Tue 23-May-17 19:36:45

My home is rented& solely in my name.he moved in with me.
He doesn't put me down,call me names or anything like that.

pipsqueak25 Thu 25-May-17 19:41:20

you aren't happy though are you ? it's your home and your rules, either ask him to leave and you make a new life for yourself and dd or to be blunt suck it up and make excuses for him, this is a unequal balance and he is obviously running the show, he possibly sees you as having mug written on your forehead.
he's okay because he doesn't put you down, call you names etc, he should be doing that anyway ! sorry baby don't know what else to offer, hope you make the right choice in the end though - come back and tell us on mn about your fab new guy and how happy you are after leaving a shitty relationship, flowers

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