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Starting to despise my DH and want to leave...

(108 Posts)
Lisa282820 Fri 14-Apr-17 00:29:20

Anyone else in this position or just me?
I'm secretly saving now to escape

Coastalcommand Fri 14-Apr-17 00:34:34

What are the circumstances?

Forwardsforwards Fri 14-Apr-17 00:36:36

Plenty of people, sadly. You've got to be as sure as you can be.
Have you RL support? Are you ok?

Lisa282820 Fri 14-Apr-17 00:36:59

Constantly shouting swearing saying cruel things.... Never violent but at times I think if he punched me it may hurt less than the things that he says

Lisa282820 Fri 14-Apr-17 00:40:11

I'm thinking I could probably afford to save around £200 a month but I would need furniture, appliances and a deposit for a house.
We own our house jointly but I could never ever get him to leave and if I did he would make life worse.

TheFrendo Fri 14-Apr-17 00:55:30

You need legal advice. Do you have any children, do you work?

Italiangreyhound Fri 14-Apr-17 01:07:31

Lisa no one should have to live with a man they despise. Seek legal advice.

Please cover your tracks as if he knows you are thinking this he may try and hide money or assets.

Keep a secret record of all his mean comments and actions, any manipulations, coercive control etc. You can also speak to

He may not be hitting you but if you feel hitting would be preferable then what he is doing is possibly worse!

Can you also look into some assertiveness training to help you cope as you work out what to do?

Self esteem is so important and he is clearly destroying yours.

Lisa282820 Fri 14-Apr-17 01:08:48

Yes I work and I have a daughter.
If I seek legal advice first I won't be able to save up to leave. I can't afford to do both at the same time. Feel beyond stuck!

An example of how bad it is would be that one night when he was shouting I decided to de-escalate the situation by going out for a drive, I stayed out for 3 hours as parked up also and started to read my book that was in my bag. DH phoned the police and said I had been acting crazy and he was worried about my mental health and reported me as a missing vulnerable person!
I had no idea until an officer called later that evening.
I honestly think he wants to destroy not only me but others Persephone of me.

Lisa282820 Fri 14-Apr-17 01:09:23

Perception even*

Lisa282820 Fri 14-Apr-17 01:11:01

Thank you Italiangreyhound I will look at that now. X

Lisa282820 Fri 14-Apr-17 01:13:59

Another... I went to stay with family for a few days this week and he said it would be a good idea and give us both a break. He then told his family I had simply ' buggered off'

InaDelerium Fri 14-Apr-17 01:14:56

Lisa, you have one life - make sure you find a way to enjoy it. That is the only advice I have but in essence I am saying - do what you think will make you happy and secure.

Italiangreyhound Fri 14-Apr-17 01:15:57

Lisa please speak to Women's Aid. Get help. he sounds like a nut case. Where was your daughter while you were out? Was she with him. Is he abusive to her?

You may be able to get initial legal advice for free, like a short consultation, ask Women's Aid if they can recommend any legal firm that would do that.

I've just googled "divorce lawyres first consiltaatuion for free" and even with two spelling mistakes found a firm that does a first consultation for free. But do speak to Women's Aid first.

Just remember, he has already called the police on you, if he gets violent, call the police. He is not afraid to involve others to back up his view of you and you should not feel automatically that he is safe just because je has not hit you yet, IMHO.

Italiangreyhound Fri 14-Apr-17 01:17:08

Cross posted, so he is spreading lies, that you have buggered off.

Please get professional help so you really can bugger off soon.

Lisa282820 Fri 14-Apr-17 01:32:38

No my daughter was at her Nanas.
I do know my daughter isn't daft though and that even if she doesn't witness the outbursts she will sense things are not right.

I'm going to try to list things on eBay tomorrow too to get more money together both to move out and for legal help.

I will phone woman's aid
Thank you again.

Italiangreyhound Fri 14-Apr-17 01:36:06

Good luck lisa, please be careful. If he thinks you really are planning to go he may start to act out his anger and control more, so please be careful. Amassing items in your garage for when you move out etc may bot be wise. Could you move to your mum or dad's house or a friends and then get your stuff together?

Good luck with women's aid.

Italiangreyhound Fri 14-Apr-17 01:36:43

not be wise...

Lisa282820 Fri 14-Apr-17 01:42:22

I could move in with parents but they live 2 hours away and so the commute to work and school would be difficult.

I'm shocked also at how expensive it is to rent compared to our mortgage but I'd be more than happy to live in a tiny flat that was peaceful.

I think he already has some sort of plan as he's really not playing fair right now and so I need to be careful

Topseyt Fri 14-Apr-17 01:50:47

He sounds like a most unpleasant character.

Seek legal advice, perhaps from the CAB. Get a plan in place. Women's Aid too might be helpful.

Have you told your family exactly what he is like? If not then do so. I would honestly have been tempted not to have come back from the recent visit.

Lisa282820 Fri 14-Apr-17 01:57:24

I didn't really want to. I can't even sleep anymore with knots in my stomach

He says if I ever fight him for the house I won't win. That he has more money to fight than I and this is true. I have a good wage and I could afford the mortgage and bills at a stretch alone but not with solicitors fees on top.
He is not my daughters father as I had her very young and we split when she was a baby and so he's says a court would not consider that this is her home as he is not the biological father and so if it did go to court they would force sale anyway and that there isn't much equity in the house so potentially we would both owe money!!!???

Lisa282820 Fri 14-Apr-17 01:59:53

I will end up mental if I stay as he's twisting things so much. He's telling lies to people but he will even say to my face that I have just disappeared for a few days but I know we agreed this beforehand

Lisa282820 Fri 14-Apr-17 02:03:27

And I'm near agreeing so there is no arguing!
It's ridiculous! Lots more things he said and done too but too much to mention and I just know it's getting way out of hand now.

Topseyt Fri 14-Apr-17 02:15:22

If your name is also on the deeds of the house and you and your daughter both live there then of course it is her home, especially if her real dad isn't involved in her life and you are her main carer.

Do you know the actual value of the house versus the mortgage and any other loans secured on it? Don't just take his word for it about the equity. Do your own research. Then if you really do have to sell you can push for the best deal possibly.

This is why you need legal advice.

AcrossthePond55 Fri 14-Apr-17 02:19:02

he's says a court would not consider that this is her home as he is not the biological father

Please see a solicitor ASAP. If the house is in joint names then the courts will see it as your daughter's habitual residence as the house is just as much yours as it is his. You may actually be able to preserve your right to stay in the home, either by buying him out OR by a mesher order. Please don't give up until you are told by competent legal authority that you are not entitled to stay in the house or that the cost of the fight to do so would make it not worthwhile.

As far as 'owing money' this would be true if the sale were forced and you had to sell it for less than you owe on it. The remaining mortgage debt would be split between the two of you. We have a friend who's ex-wife 'signed off' on their home because they owed quite a bit more than the house was worth due to falling property values rather than have a forced sale ending up in a debt for both of them. But I think he's just trying to scare you. It would be easy enough to get a real estate appraisal and compare it to your mortgage balance.

AcrossthePond55 Fri 14-Apr-17 02:22:12

Xpost with Topsy.

Oh, and please don't agree with him when he tries to gaslight you, even to keep the peace. If you don't want to argue, just remain silent or say "That's your opinion but I'm not going to argue about it". To agree with him will only make him feel more validated and make him ramp up the gas lighting.

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