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Who is being unreasonable re childcare issues?

(118 Posts)
Purplehonesty Wed 22-Feb-17 17:08:19

My sister and I share school pick ups and drop offs.
She is currently living with us since moving countries - has been for 8 months.
She usually picks up her dd and occasionally my dc but not very often.
I take all the kids to school every day and look after them in the holidays as I work in a school.
My role came to an end last week and I was lucky to get another - but it starts earlier.
I've asked her to try and change her part time hours so that she can drop the kids off and I will pick them up (i.e. A swap) she would start work half an hour later.
She doesn't want to. Doesn't see why she should as it's my job that's changed so I should have to sort it out. That's true enough, it is me who has changed.
For background she lives here rent free, i babysit her dd every time she goes out and look after her every holiday and a day most weekends.
She will be moving soon to her own house but I will still do the holiday care and school pick ups.

I feel so unappreciated and like she is peeing all over my generosity.
But as far as she is concerned it's my problem and she feels hard done by.
Living arrangements are now most awkward as she will hardly speak to me. Trying hard to keep the peace and be friendly but it's not being reciprocated.


teacher54321 Wed 22-Feb-17 17:09:36

Why does she live in your house rent free and walk all over you?!

TheZeppo Wed 22-Feb-17 17:11:14

shock I think she's being a cheeky fucker.

Tell her you'll need to pay for childcare now, so you'll need her to pay rent. And charge her babysitting fees. She's right royally taking the piss and I'm really cross my n your behalf!

NapQueen Wed 22-Feb-17 17:11:38

Tbh youve got yourself into a situation where you do a shit load for her and get little to nothing in return

Id try and arrange an end to her living there.

LucklessMonster Wed 22-Feb-17 17:11:57

For background she lives here rent free

* I will still do the holiday care and school pick ups.*

Trying hard to keep the peace and be friendly

She's a user with a terrible attitude. Stop helping her.

GloGirl Wed 22-Feb-17 17:14:49

I'd tell her to get fucked and as of tomorrow I'd only look after my own children. I'd absolutely do that too.

I'd let that settle before I gave her a limited time to leave my home.

Purplehonesty Wed 22-Feb-17 17:16:03

I keep thinking maybe it's me, maybe it's terrible of me to ask her to change.
Why else would she be asking the way she is I ask myself?

I am trying to save the relationship. She moved here to be near to us and I really have done loads for her to help her settle in, find a job, school, friends, a house etc etc

I said she would stay with us so she could save up to do up her house. It will be ready soon.
We said chip in for bills as and when you can but she hasn't.

knackeredinyorkshire Wed 22-Feb-17 17:17:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Purplehonesty Wed 22-Feb-17 17:18:17

Dh would tell her to get out but for the sake of our niece we are trying to keep things civil.
It's not dn's fault, she is a joy to look after and gets on so well with my children.
I genuinely don't mind looking after her, one more when you have two makes no odds.

I'm a mug aren't I...

Starlight2345 Wed 22-Feb-17 17:19:35

I would simply say fine.. I will sort out my childcare and you sort out yours. Explain clearly what that means then sort yourself out a childminder

arethereanyleftatall Wed 22-Feb-17 17:19:59

WEll that was silly of her wasn't it? yanbu

Purplehonesty Wed 22-Feb-17 17:20:22

It is rude isn't it.

Makes it so awkward. We spoke about it last weekend when I said look you can't act like this it's so uncomfortable.
She was better for a day and then had a strop and basically said you'll have to sort yourself out in the mornings.

melj1213 Wed 22-Feb-17 17:22:27

You are being massively walked over ... I could get her being a bit reluctant to ask about changing hours since I assume she's not been in the job long and it might not be that easy to swap shifts (I work in a supermarket and while they'll try to accommodate individual needs, they have set work patterns and anyone wanting to deviate too much from it makes it unworkable) or putting it back on you if her employer said no, but that would be on the basis of you having an equal split of the jobs ... why do you deal with all of the children every day but she is only responsible for hers "usuall" and your children only "occasionally"? Why do they all need supervision in the mornings but not afterschool?

I would tell her that since you are now having to pay for preschool childcare (whether it's a child minder or pre-school club) you're going to have to start charging her board ... and of course she will now be responsible for her DDs pre-school care, holiday care and any babysitting will be undertaken on an individual basis and must be requested and not assumed

arethereanyleftatall Wed 22-Feb-17 17:24:49

'She moved here to be nearer to us' for entirely her own benefit it would appear.

Penfold007 Wed 22-Feb-17 17:25:33

Can you sort out breakfast club for your DCs? If so get them into it. Your sister has a house to go to, tell her you need her to leave your house. Tell her you are no longer able to provide pickup service or after school holiday care for her child. It really isn't worth the stress.

Purplehonesty Wed 22-Feb-17 17:26:08

Apart from two days a week I can collect the kids and quite often my mum or dh will go and get them all.

So it's really one or two days a week but often nothing that I ask her to do.

Yes I agree she doesn't want to upset her work and wants to be careful. Totally get that.

averythinline Wed 22-Feb-17 17:27:35

She is absolutely taking the piss - Please stop being a doormat to her- tell her you are sorting your childcare out -breakfast club/childminder whatever is around and just stop running around after her...

IF you want your DN in the holidays thats a different matter although I'd expect her to pay something either cash or time - IF you don't want your DN all the time and actually dont you want t spend some time just with your DD?

Do you want your DN to to the same to your DD ?and for your DD to see herself as second class ? and that stropping about will get your way....children learn about relationships from what they see you do -

Purplehonesty Wed 22-Feb-17 17:27:53


That's just what dh said today.

Her house has no roof yet. Would be rather draughty for them.
I would never ask them to go anyway. I care far too much for dn and stupidly dsis. We were both looking forward to this so much.
What a mess

Purplehonesty Wed 22-Feb-17 17:29:17

Yes I can do breakfast club and I will.

It's expensive tho and so all of us will end up paying out more than we need to.

Argh so frustrating

Megatherium Wed 22-Feb-17 17:30:20

This seems to me very straightforward. You need to arrange child care because she won't help, therefore as of now she pays rent and childminding costs. If she doesn't like it, she moves out.

Penfold007 Wed 22-Feb-17 17:32:28

I bet she gets your DM to look after her daughter and you end up forking out for childcare.

Purplehonesty Wed 22-Feb-17 17:32:47

It does seem straightforward when you aren't living it I agree.

But it would ruin our relationship.

I keep hoping when she moves out things will get better and we will be back to how we were.

She has nobody else here, she moved from abroad.

EweAreHere Wed 22-Feb-17 17:33:49



No more taking her children to or from school
No more babysitting.
No more holiday/term break care.

Problem solved.

What a selfish piece of work your sister wounds like.

EweAreHere Wed 22-Feb-17 17:34:20

The only relationship you have to ruin is you of servant and she of entitled princessw.

Purplehonesty Wed 22-Feb-17 17:34:23

DM doesn't live close enough to help every day, occasionally helps out tho.

She was talking about seeing if a school friend of dd would take her every morning. I said you can't do that to someone every day it's majorly taking the piss.

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